Merry Christmas

So grateful. For my Angela who supports me wholly when i bare my heart with one brief text message. For Christi who shares her growing pains with me openly. The beautiful and the not-so-beautiful. And her allowing me to do the same. I'm thankful for gratitude and how that seems to be my spiritual rock these days. For brendon and Ben who make me feel loved. For my mom who gets me. For god who lets she and i be on the same wavelength. This is a strong understatement. I'm grateful for longstanding relationships. And for shifting ones. I'm grateful for a quiet day, for dogs to share Christmas with, and strangers who ask me what I'm writing about. I'm grateful for god showing me the way, revealing beauty in time and for me to be okay in each and every moment.

draw

the connection is powerful but subtle.  coveted. comforting.  too good to be true.
i receive.
i deserve.
i am.
he is coming.
he is here already.

i rest.
and breathe.

im not sure but i really really really hope

so i had a one night stand the other night.  never done that before.  probably wont again.  i say probably which means no guarantees.  i mean, i may be waiting a long time for my person and sometimes i get pissed and bored and attracted so....   anyway, this is not the point.  the point is i got a phone call in the middle of it from the one and only mike robinette.  my first intense, infatuated, sexy, charismatic, horribly mean-when-drunk love.  i haven't talked to him in years.  i picked up the phone of course.

i didn't think much about this until this weekend, two weeks later. 

dustin has been around.  this weekend he texted me the morning of the market telling me if i still liked the smell of booze breath i'd be in love when i saw him. [note #1: mike robinette is the reason i love that smell.]  he asked what i wanted for breakfast.  i told him i wanted something filled with love and magic.  he brings me something wonderfully delicious and actually sits down and eats it with me.  we finish eating, he goes to his stand, i text saying the wrap was quite tasty.  he responds, "best breakfast i have had in a while.  food excluded obviously."  he comes back 10 minutes later and sits and shoots the shit with me about family, thanksgiving, my new car, whatever for about 15 minutes and says he'll be back when joy comes in the afternoon so he can meet her.  this is the most he has hung out with me at the market the whole year.  [note #2:  reference previous post for how i feel when he is near.]

blah blah carry on.  i actually asked if he wanted to hang out with joy and i, he says perhaps.  i get a little buzzed up during the twilight movie and send him a quote from the movie.  he does not respond.  still hasn't.

fine.  no need.  but here's what happend.  i was bummed.  yet again. and i couldn't believe how sad he could make me just by not responding.  he gives a little, then nothing.  gives a little more, then.....nothing.  its cuz i think he's coming back...gonna be the dude i want him to be, and then his disappearance says, nope.

but over the next 2 days reminders of mike rob and our relationship floated through my brain.  how when i was with him i felt so connected and in love with him.  and couldn't figure out how it wouldn't work.  why it was wrong when it felt so good.  and i remembered the day he told me he would go to counseling/treatment and quit drinking etc and my gut thought [finally] was, "oh shit.  i dont know if i really want all this.  if this is the kind of man i want to be with."  so here's the beginning of the epiphany:

when dustin was standing with me in my tent talking about how his goal the night before was to get his 23 year old friend to black out and how he didn't understand why the guy walking by was wearing flip flops when it was 40 degrees out in his lovely judgemental way, my gut quietly nudged me.  she said, "ahem.  you don't like hanging out with people like him." 

however, my emotions and addiction to him and hope for him/us were all at high voltage so i ignored that voice. but after he disappointed me yet again and i went to yoga to calm down, the voice was clearer as she quietly spoke in the final moments of class. "you will never think it's cool to see how drunk one can get.  and you will always shoot for putting yourself in other people's shoes, for trying to be loving and accepting.  and you are respectful.  you like respectful people.  he has not made you feel good since february.  he has litearlly done nothing to make you feel good about yourself! he shows up, doesn't let you let go, but he doesn't make you feel good about yourself.  you have been holding on to the feeling, to the parts of him you do love.  but it would be an uphill battle to make him be the kind of person you really want to be around.  to be inspired by.  and why should you force him to be something he's not?"  She's right.  My wise woman knows.  As harsh as it sounds, I dont like people like him. (of course this is on the human level, not the soul-level).

I am trying not to let my monkey mind/self-blame start analyzing why we got together in the first place then.  because it's true that i have always avoided starting relationships for this very reason.  if you date people that from the beginning you know aren't really your type, you run the risk of falling for someone you weren't really compatible with in the first place and getting all broken hearted [stupidly].  but i know that at the time he was just what i wanted.  he was just what i needed.  and he made me so happy for a little while.  he was beautiful and we were beautiful.  and he taught me to be honest despite my fears.  but im ready to let go.  i think the final piece is in place.  im not letting go because i should and because he can't/doesn't want to be with me.  i'm letting go because the man he has shown himself to truly be by his perpetual choices over the past 8 months, i do not want to be with.

so i will wait in excited anticipation for the one i do.

goodbye dustin.

chaos

you take me to this place that makes me lose it.
makes me lose sight of anything else going on in my heart and mind that does not concern you.
it makes my heart hungry yet satisfied.  alive with feeling.  content like all is right with the world and this moment is all there is. yet i am teetering on a precipice with ecstasy on one side and devastation and chaos on the other.
a fine line divides ecstasy and chaos.  properties of being out of control are evident in both. one, bliss, the other, [can be] hell.
i dont feel like myself around you because i am in this other place.  but im instantly drawn to this place so i dont know how i got there, i just know i am there. so it must be myself.  it must be true.  truer than me normally?  or the opposite?
then when you leave it is as if i am spun in a whirlwind and i dont know where i was, what i was just feeling, what i was saying.  am i crazy?
if im honest it's not just when you leave.  it's more when i reach out from a hopeful (often drink induced) place and you dont respond.
it is then i feel as if i am the yo-yo on the end of a string and your departing is the action that flicks me back up my string, rolling rolling spinning spinning getting dizzy.....then i get let out again.  and i dangle there.

and i say, what the fuck was that?

accepting what is

what is:

i feel as though i have been broken up with.  i feel slow, sad, unmotivated, in a daze.  as if something completely devastating has happened and i have no energy to think or motivate myself to be positive.

nothing devastating has happened so i am confused.

it is sometimes easier to accept the reality of your situation than your emotions about the situation.

i saw dustin couple of weeks ago.  we talked for 3 hours.  i said everything i have ever wanted to say and asked (most) everything i ever wanted to ask.  he enlightened me.  i left and felt exhilarated and sad at the same time.  because when he lets his guard down i get to see him.  and i love him still.  so i am so grateful that i got the opportunity to see him and be with him but it is so sad and confusing and disappointing to look at someone and love them like that and then...nothing.  he wont call. (probably.)  he's not coming back.  (i dont think...but maybe.)  so what is the point of feeling this way about someone if you dont get to live in that feeling?  and express it and share it?  it is so frustrating to me.  because i feel as though those feelings should not exist without reason.  especially as an adult.

i try to be realistic and optimistic about us at the same time.  this is a struggle for me.  i did run into him two days later twenty minutes after he texted me, "saturday was good, nicole. have a happy day." i thanked him for the talk.  and then texted after he left, "just let me know when you're ready for me to stop dating other people."  i got a jumbo smiley face in return.

so fuck, im trying to wait.  trying to believe he's coming back.  cuz i want to believe!  but i also told liz i thought he would text me 2 weeks after our meeting and then something magical, dustin related or not, mostly just heart related, would happen by christmas.  and the two week period ended yesterday.  no word from my love.  so i then doubt my intution.  doubt myself. 

there are two opposing feelings.  the one that comes from the encouraging universe that says, keep your head up little girl, give it just a little longer, he's coming back.  stop worrying!  that one actually makes me happy.  makes me want to quit worrying.  and you, know, even if he didn't, and something else lovely came up for me, at least i wouldn't have spent the time worrying.  the other is the parent-type universe that is looking at me like, poor kid doesn't know what's good for her.  she is pining after this thing that is so not good for her.  like a kid who wants candy bars for breakfast. and it's so clear he's not coming back.  why doesn't she see it?  its doing her no good to keep waiting for him.  i wish she would let this go. 

but what's wrong with using unrealistic optimism to bring peace in the moment?  i suppose the downside is obvious right now.  when it doesn't work out you feel as though something devastating has happened and you cant get motivated to do anything.

someone just come get me.  come romance me and let's look in each other eyes so deeply we fly out into the abyss of la-la land and let it's perfection fuel us enough that we can handle anything in this world.  forever.

maybe im not even sad about dustin.  im just in a fuckin weird mood, depressed, quiet, stilled and stalled and im just trying to come up with a reason, so i blame my broken heart.  i have been known to be a meaning-making machine.

i want my person.

"i hope you never come my way again. i mean it and i feel this may be possible now since i am truly ready to let it go."

i wrote that in July.  and i meant it as far as i know.  i wonder why it wont go away.  how i have "let go" like three different times.  am i sabotaging my development somehow?  fuck that.  i do what i do and everything is perfect.  i am perfect.

rich, deep calm

to marsha,

ive missed you! so much to catch you up on. wanted to say hello and tell you i was thinking of you. and im doing GREAT.

just got back from transformational breathwork seminar with my mom in tahoe. in a nutshell, it was wonderful. hard of course but the lightness i feel makes it worth the work. actually walked up to ol' dusty boy yesterday at the market, which i have never done, and gave him an unsolicited hello/hug. there was a solid exchange of forgiveness, acceptance, and gratitude through the eyeballs in both directions. that was my perception anyway and what i was giving out. did a fair amount of work at the seminar around him and really finally feel in my heart that i cant be mad at him because he's not where i wish he would be. it's his journey to walk and he's got every right to be whereever he wants and needs to be. i've been saying that forever but all the breathwork finally "integrated" it i think so i actually feel that now.

feelin grounded, positive, peaceful, JOY. :)

had the thought of going to school here in charleston next fall (instead of say, seattle or chicago) to get my masters in counseling while STILL maintaining nutty g (now that it's easier to run). and until then i could continue to practice yoga and do some teacher trainings so that eventually i could have my own counseling practice and incorporate private yoga lessons as well. good idea huh?! makes me excited. soo i think my costa rica trip in february will now include 3 weeks of yoga teacher training.

also i feel i understand spirituality/god differently now. it is clear(er) to me how if god/source is perfect energy/creativity/beauty/love/abundance then it is indeed possible to manifest beauty/love/abundace/goodness in our lives now if we can try to get our emotions and thoughts vibrating on a clearer/more positive level so that source's energy can come through that emotional and mental filter without so much interruption. in other words, if source's energy is coming thru us to manifest a physical reality and it's coming thru a scrambled filter, it may manifest some not so pleasant physicalities and vice versa. someone drew a diagram and it just made sense to me :) anyway, i feel REALLY happy about that bc i've been confused about who im praying to and all that jazz for almost a year now.

so again, feeling grounded, positive, peaceful. and im really practicing accepting what IS in the very present moment and as immediately as possible. i dig it. and i think that breath/bodywork moved some old beliefs and patterns that were ready to go. finally! like not really believeing it was okay to be truly joyful and content without also being afraid of when that contentment was going to end...or what might happen in the future to throw me off.

i am okay. all life's good is coming to me. i may never find a mate, i may get married in 6 months. i may sell nutty goodness for a lot of money or i may keep it exactly the same size until im ready to give it away. who knows? but i wont be missing out on anything. life is one big hot tub of delicious, soothing, supporting water holding me up. i just get to cruise and enjoy. :)

i sound good huh? ha.

yeah so i wont be needing your services anymore. naaaaah just kidding!! neverrrr

okay thats my update. talk to you soon, you gem of a woman.

hugs

n

been a while eh?  and i feel like there's actually been a lot i wanted to write about but have been having a hard time focusing on work and when im actually sitting AT work looking at this computer,. writing, instead of doing actual WORK i feel a little too guilty sometimes.

but it's been a while and im not focusing anyway and want to write about why in hopes of letting it go and getting back to work.

got overwhelmed all of a sudden.  tom handed me a fucking "proposal" for a raise.  which is great.  he deserves one.  i was thinking about it anyway.  and it was very well written. but for some reason i got tense in my neck and shoulders and started staring straight ahead.  getting angry.  wanting to look suddenly at dustin's fb page to distract me and/or eat some of the trail mix in the corner.  thoughts saying things like, "see, here it is.  as soon as you get ahead money goes out the door. you are never going to catch up.  you will always be struggling.  you'll never be able to figure out how to make more money in this business or you will at least never be motivated enough to do it.  and even if you do know how and are motivated for whatever reason you will hate doing whatever it is that you have to do. and then someone will come in and ask you for more fucking money."

there's another trained thought that says, "let it go.  think about it tomorrow.  keep doing what you were doing.  who knows, things just may work out.  those thoughts may not be true."

i guess that's what im going to do now.  ugh.

marsha said, "maybe you need more information."  I said, "i just dont really give a shit and dont want to talk to the dude anymore."  she continued encoruaging me to get more info and THEN decide how i felt.  you can tell she's a marriage/relationship counselor.  she's good.

I say to drew, "i was under the impression that  you would call if you were not going to make it home in time for the show.  and then i didn't hear from you so i was confused.  did i misunderstand?"  i was feeling all grounded, semi indifferent, but open.  man, marsha can ground me just by sitting with me. 

he says, "iiiii dont' know," and continues.

ok ima finish this later...nutty calls...

there are wonderful men who are crazy about me.  ben.  lane.  matthew.  whyyyy dont i want them.

hot drew just MIA'ed this evening.  awesome you fucking douche bag. 

the "chicken or the egg" question is making me feel like shit tonight:  does my intuition tell me to bail because these dudes are going to bail or does my freak out/insecurity make them bail?

i eyeballed drew monday.  he comes to yoga monday night and asks me out that eve.  he calls tues afternoon to schedule a time.  tues pm i sit at his bar.  wed morning we have breakfast.  he was going to ask me to go to greenville for thursday/fri/sat but after breakfast on wednesday when he said, "welllll what are you doing later?"  and my response was, is it normal for you to meet somebody and want to hang out with them so often in such a short period of time?" he decided not to.  he did, however, invite me to a concert, and i went.  had a good time.  we stayed at a hotel on isle of palms and had breakfast the next morning. (clothes on fyi.)

my thoughts during all of this were, hmm this guy is interesting, i like that he wants to hang out, yet i feel he will be all about it for a minute and then change his mind, so i'm not getting my hopes up. 

was i right or afraid?  and did my fear cause a chain reaction of insecurity in me and him?  and now he indeed falls of the face and i feel like i must have done something wrong.

awesome. 

angela says im not healed yet and therefore shouldn't be going out with anyone.  i totally agree at this point bc there was no reason for me to be insecure about whether or not this dude was gonna call.  he wasn't even funny.  but i was insecure.  which tells me my heart is a mess.  and that depresses me today. and if i didn't know bitterness wasn't a good thing, i would adopt it right about now, saying, "it's all bullshit.  no one will love you the way you want to be loved.  and you shouldn't need love anyway.  and apparently you are incapable of caring about someone without feeling all kinds of vulnerability and fear.  so no one will ever want to be with you." 

enter drew. and enter anxiety.

i dont even know what to say.  or why im writing.  i'll keep it short.  (suuure i will).

i met a beautiful man.  i eyeballed him and he actually came to talk to me.  we've hung out several times.  he wanted to hang out more times than i am used to in a short period and it freaked me out.  not because i didn't want to hang out with him, but because i dont believe his interest will last.

my heart is fucking terrified.  i am anxious, afraid, cautious, super over analyzing, and wish i were in the place i was when i met dustin.  carefree, ready to embrace the world, pain and all.  okay i probably wasn't aware at the time of how much pain there might be.  and i also didn't give a shit about him.  i was doing things for ME.  now im like looking for a mr. forever that wont leave me like he did and im feeling like a wuss, skittish, mistrusting, and definitely not engaging and and fun-loving like i think a man might like.   trying to tell myself that im exactly where im supposed to be...but then fear creeps in and tells me that if i dont figure something out i will lose this opportunity to be with this incredibly sexy man who has a lot of the qualities i really like. 

i dont like feeling like this at all.  think it's time to call that marsha.  fear abounds and i'd like it to go away.

karma, eh?

i met with vince for coffee this morning.  it was really great.  i was super excited to see him for some reason.

over the past couple of days i caught myself preparing what i would say if/when he asked about dustin, since vince is now his boss.  then i caught myself and said, "dont make decisions, nicole, until it's time to make them."  i love this reminder.  i trusted myself, my guidance, and i knew i'd know what to say in the situation if something came up.

so one of the first things he says to me is, "i dont know if this would bring you pleasure at all, but apparently dustin went home yesterday to get his wallet and found a tree had fallen on his car."  i tried not to laugh.  and then i did, saying, "ohhh, that sucks!" 

we continued to chat, about work, how he's feeling about his new job and employees, my company, mental state, etc.  and what was great was that he talked about dustin a fair amount, and his potential, but also his lack of commitment.  he said he felt he was working through a personal transformation though, too, and he was interested to see how things panned out.  the whole conversation just had such a nice feel to it, and i can't quite put my finger on what was so comforting about it. i guess
it was great because i have had such intense emotions and thoughts about dustin, but vince doesn't really know that.  and he brought up points about him in conversation that weren't meant to encourage my heart and mind but did.  he talked about walking down the street with brad, the owner of the company, and how they run into all these people brad knows - business people, respectable people.  walking down the street with dustin, he said people come out of the woodwork that know dustin, but they're all the night crowd, partiers, restaurant people.  and i remember that happening with me as well.  and i was proud for a moment of the crowd of people i know and surround myself with versus the crowd dustin knows.  and just having someone sitting there with me, from a very businesslike perspective just making a note of this thing, sort of encouraged me.  like its okay and valid to want to be proud of the people you surround yourself with.  plus, i can tell this person, this man, respects the shit out of me.  he knows me, has seen a fair amount of the intimate details of my struggles with nutty g, and it was awesome feeling like he is going to go back to work, in the same small office and dustin, and he is a fan of me.  he's on my team.  supporting me, energetically, maybe even verbally, whatever.  it just felt good.

and when brent responded to my text about the tree falling on dustin's car saying, "karma is a beautiful thing," that felt good as well.  like it was nature's way of saying, keep on doing your thing, you keep on loving life, i'll stand up for you when people treat you like shit.

awesome. :)

it's true

i've got nothing left for you, sweetheart.  go on your way.

this is finished.  you have made it clear.  god has made it clear. my heart is clear.  i don't want what you are bringing to the table. thank you heather, for the prayer.

you are not who i dream of, who i remember.  you were him, but you haven't been him since february 1.  i held hope you would return.  it is clear you will not.

my prayer now is only that the hope will not return either.

needless to say i am slow today.  i am content and secure (enough), but my temperment is mellow.  this is okay.  it does not mean i am sad and wallowing.  it is okay to be slow.

i hope you never come my way again.  i mean it and i feel this may be possible now since i am truly ready to let it go.

oh, the emotional swing

10:25 pm next day:  amazing high cotton reunion brunch, Kickball playoffs injury/win later, several beers drank.  number deleted. you seriously dont have the respect to even respond? Fuck you, Dustin.

8:40 am next day: from him, "hey, was in GA.  where you housesitting?"

sigh.  what ensues is a plan to get together the next evening.  me thinking its a bad idea then saying screw it, and allowing myself to admit (only to myself) that im so excited i can hardly stand it.  at 9:15 pm i start getting ridiculously tense bc i haven't heard from him.  blah blah, he suggests a raincheck.  i say sure, then change my mind and say, "this is silly.  no need for a raincheck, lets just let it be."  i am disappointed for a moment, then extremely grateful that deep down i know i'm happy with who i am and where i am going....and dont really want him with me.  nope. 

nope. nope. nope.  farewell.

PS. today is day 30.  i mean, odddviously it was not 30 days of amazing committment but hey.  i did stick to not looking at the fb page, does that count for some credit?  anyway, i'll take half the time any day.

in retrospect, perhaps just a weak moment

11:30 pm: just finished hot catering shift after a long hot day in the market. I am tired but not exhausted and actually would love to go meet with someone for a beer. I can think of no one who is available. I head home to housesit, yes, one block from dustins house. I try not to imagine how much I would love to go meet up with d and his friends, or snuggle up to him at home as he waits for me. These thoughts make me happy not sad, but I'm afraid they are wrong and will eventually make me sad. So I try to avoid them like they are dangerous. I try to feel as good as I've felt all week, where i wasnt just distracted or feeling positive, but I truly felt content and at ease about life as a whole. Do u know how dumb that just sounded to me? To try to manipulate and grip the peace that is greater than mind or emotion? Well I tried regardless.

11:50pm: t think, I just want to text him a see what he's doing. It's so nice out, I'd love to just shoot the shit. I then think," no u shouldn't. U were just thinking last night how u had no desire to see him. Not when u are feeling all complete. So if u want to see him, u must not be feeling complete a therefore dont do it." but man. Therein lies a particular battle of the season. I just instinctively want to do something, in this case just call a friend who lives down the street to just sit and enjoy the nice night, that when I tell myself it's wrong to do said thing I feel so confused, like I can't trust myself. And I may just go to bed to try to make the desire pass but it won't go away. I think I'll wake up the next morning not trusting life.

12:02 am: i text liz, "I want to text him Liz."

12:02-12:21: I continue the mental/heart struggle.

12:22 am: fuck it, I text him. "we are definitely neighbors, current. What are you doing? Are u home bored or out making friends and being social?"

12:23: i feel better just getting it out, doing what I wanted to do, the thing that didn't seem like a big deal until I told myself It was wrong. I am not panicking that he may not respond, frankly I dont even care. Just might as well throw ur friend an offer. If it were any other friend i wouldve. Seriously. I even feel like I can go to bed now. I just needed to get it out.

12:49 am: I have heard nothing and I promise I'm fine. I actually might not have wanted him to respond, ha, cuz then I'd have to see him and who knowwws what I'd feel then. I told u, we are connected, but not all anxiety-like. It's free flowing, like, hey wherever u are, no pressure. No expectations here. Ok, I for real still feel that. Ahhhh, sweet lord, I haven't lost all my peace yet.

Man. Tis the season of learning and spiritual development. I can feel it. Keep it up. It's all for my highest good.

soul happy smile

oh, this could be a bad idea, getting me going.  i really do need to go do some work, but the intention is to keep this short.

i feel good.  like a different kind of good.  at my "company meeting" a couple of days ago i was discussing with liz the status of my heart regarding dustin.  he and i sorta of discussed getting together again to hang out sometime and i was saying i wondered if i should do it or not, and that i'd see how saturday at the market went...if he would bring it up or whatever.  and liz thought for a quick sec and then abruptly said, "no. you're not doing that.  this is not the way."  she said it so abruptly, and almost with a shift in persona, that it seemed to shift something in me.  i could feel it.  she continued, "you do not need to wait for him to do anything.  you will go about your business, focus on things you love, on becoming the best woman you can be, and things will pan out as they should.  you're not going to wait for him."  liz is not necessarily a bold, matter-of-fact person, but she definitely spoke as such.  and in the few moments while she spoke i got a sense of who i have been in the past months.  shaken, needy, afraid, desperate at times.  and no, i didn't want to be that, and that's what led to even more discomfort for me, but i still was that.  and i pictured dust and i coming together and it felt wrong.  like i was bringing an unwhole person to the party.  a person that didn't feel like me.  its hard to explain, but so many things shifted in that moment.  subtly perhaps, but profoundly.  and they are sticking.

no, i will not wait.  these past few months i have been blaming my neediness/emptiness on my romantic heart, and dont get me wrong, i love that part of me.  she is tender and beautiful and passionately loves being connected to people.  i will not reject her.  however, these past 10 days of morning meditation, of being intential about tapping into the true, grand, essense that is me have apparently helped me to remember that i am so much greater than that.  i am a divine expanse of a soul, filled with power and beauty and all things magnetic and good.  i want to bring THAT into a relationship.  not a desperate heart filled with longing.

so.  whether prayer, meditation, time, or (possibly prophetic) words from a friend are what instigated this powerful and relieving shift, i am grateful.  feels good from my bones to skin. 

i love you, dust.  and thank you for sharing yourself with me.  for being who you are, where you were, for the struggle that ensued after we separated.  i know it is all for my highest good, and for yours.  today i dont miss you, i just love you and bless you.  and know we are connected, but that the connection is free-flowing and gentle and allows for physical separation at any time without angst.  i send nothing but positive energy and love your way always. 

thank you god for all of this. for the evolution of our souls.  for supporting always.

shhhh, mind. shhhhhh

I want to write but I don't. I don't bc I've been meditating and reaaaalllly trying not to let my mind start spinning. Just be here. Breathe. I feel like I've really done a great job lately. Been feeling quite happy. I've thought about d and let the love be there, I'm happier that way I decided....than trying to fight it, trying to be angry at him, tryyyying to get over it. It's felt really good. Of course i wondered how today would feel, seeing him at the market. He came up, of COURSE, says hello, says he's been feeling great, 14 days sober, 5 days at the gym and one soccer game in the last week. I say good work. I think at one point about texting him to bring me breakfast and then someone else showed up at nearly the exact time with nearly the exact breakfast I would've ordered asking if I would please eat it. Thus I need not text. (thanks, god.)  And I get no communication from him, of course, for the rest of the day. I have a perfect end to the afternoon at the pool with flick and new friend, matt, at kev and shannons pool. When I finally leave flick, 4 slow beers later, I hug her for a long time and say, "I won't be depressed when I go home, I won't be depressed, I won't be depressed." see, when I leave the market, leave my peeps, esp after I have had a couple beers, and go home alone, esp after I have seen him....ok, even been in his vicinity, I can have a hard come down. (sidebar: why do I keep drinking when I know it can potentially bring me down and make me think ca ca crazy?) so I, duh, put on my new love, slow electronic music (with noooo effing words about romance to analyze/try not to analyze) and breathe deep and try to practice meditating while I drive home.

It works pretty well.

I try to ignore the thought, "he doesn't love u." 

And "whyyyy would he still come talk to u?

and, "When did I give him the okay to come back to making small stupid talk that always leaves me wanting?"

It's ok, I decided with marsha that it was ok- he's not gonna stop, cuz he can't, he's not strong enough or whatever, and id rather love him than try to deny him, bc that doesn't work and makes me anxious. I decided I would just let him do what he does and it may or may not hurt me but I would try to meditate and be strong and not go get him or change things or wonder why he does what he does. Just say, he does what he does because he does what he does. Life will be what it will be. I will be a willow. I am just here. I'm not going to try to figure. To fix. I am just here. Maybe that's all I have the energy to do after I try to fight the humanness in me that feels things I dont understand and practically hates said feelings.

I am just here.

I will be strong where he is not. Without anger. Without feelings of martyrdom or desperation. Out of love I guess. And out of lack of other options.

I want to go to costa rica tomorrow for 6 weeks. And come back a different person that doesn't know him. i know. That's not very "oh, we were super connected and we will always be connected and he does love u, it just didn't work out" of me is it?

But I do. I want to go away and not say goodbye. To prove a point. What point? The oh, u don't care about me? U want to take advantage of the fact that I'm always fucking here?? Well too bad. See ya. Leave me alone.
Would he even notice?
Would he ask anyone about me?
Would I come back better?

Can I do that? I have this thought underneath all my positive affirmations that says....hold on...gotta close my eyes and dig it out all stealth-like...."nope, this is what u want? Not gonna happen. If u think something will make u happy for a while it won't. I'm going to trick u. Something will always come back around to disappoint u. Like driving christis prius for cheap? Ur gonna ruin something on it and have to pay for it so you don't actually save any money. Life is all a big game to keep u thinking things are gonna be good and they're not. I will always win. Come back with disappointment. Don't get excited about anything. Nothing will work the way u want it to. Esp if u do something tryin to fix something u don't like about your life instead of just being patient. If u try to fix it, run from it, it won't work. I'll bring it back around until u deal with it."  man those are some mean nasty thoughts.  if i were imagining the way the devil would talk to you, i feel like thats how it would sound.  really negative, discouraging, so not life giving and loving.  yuck.


Maybe it's just that going to costa or somewhere feels like I'm running. Maybe it's ok to run every now and then. Instead of trying to be strong, take myself away from a challenging situation. I would encourage all my friends to do that. And I tried to do that with telling him to leave me alone, but that didn't work. So maybe I need to go. Christy is coming in July....maybe she could work for me. Maybe I could train her, and leave for just a couple of weeks.

im just tired of this.  tired of him.  tired.

shit

so i was looking thru my facebook messages for an address and see the name that makes my heart squeeze a little. unexpected, so it squeezed a little extra. apparently i hadn't deleted our fb message thread. so i read the message i wrote in response to his that said he was thinking of me, safe travels, etc. it says this:

· Oh dusty, of course u are thinking about me-it's our tues afternoon rendezvous time. :)  

Been thinking about u too of course and I'm happy to report I'm feeling good, back to my casual, confident self. Thank goodness! I don't think either of us were ready for anything more than casual (hence my hamster wheel freak outs, for which, by the way, I apologize...not just for their awkward nature but also if they implied mistrust), but I also don't think either of us were prepared to enjoy looking at each other all romantic like as much as we did. I wasn't anyway. Hard to not think about and try to hold on to a good feeling. But like I said, so many things to practice!  

It's good and probably about time for me to get back into focusing on the goodness anyway...though it was a fantastic break spent floating and daydreaming. 

Man, and I can't express how happy it made me yesterday to find myself thinking about our u and our casual experience and notice my cheeks hurting. Especially since I was not smiling a few days ago. Weird, sudden ending or not, this was good for me. You were good. Still super grateful. :)and that makes me happy. 

Thanks for the safe travel wishes....miss your face.
 

Nr


The thing that caught my attention about this is that i feel like its total bullshit and its a shame. yes, i was having a good day that day, but i sobbed my eyes out the day before. "i wasn't ready for anything more than casual.." ?? really? cuz right about now i would disagree. i guess im a little less angry at him for continuing to talk to me after i sent that email because yes, it does imply that i was fine. and casual. when i was fucking smitten and heartbroken. im sorry, d, for being prideful and trying to be strong.


my mind is currently trying to come up with reasons and justifications to make sure im not misreading this situation. to remember that there must have been other times that he should have known how i was feeling. like i felt like my actions made it clear that i was having a hard time. so he still should've left me alone. and he still doesn't want to be with me. but maybe i wasn't as clear as i thought. but i am going to wait out the urge to ask.


i dont want to. i want to reply to the facebook message right now and say
 

hey. i was looking for someone'd address in a FB message and saw your stupid name on a thread i apparently forgot to delete. so of course, i clicked on it. i reread what i wrote you on feb 7. as i read it all i could think was, wow. what bullshit. and i totally sound like i really dont care that much. but it was me trying to put a positive spin on things, trying to tell myself that i would be fine, cuz i probably thought i would be, and me trying to not be embarrased because i was devastated. i truly was in a good mood that day so i was feeling hopeful, but i had cried my eyes out the day before. and have cried my eyes out multiple days since. you and i could be a bad idea, headed toward disappointment, and i could be full of disillusionment. but after reading that i just wanted to apologize for my fear and pride. and i wanted to let you know that i think about you every fucking day and have employed every conceivable effort to make it stop. trust me. whether you think about me or not i guess it doesn't matter. just wanted to say im sorry for being too afraid to be honest....tho, like i've told you before regarding my desicions with nutty goodness...can't be too mad at myself because im always doing the best i can do at the time.

-----

i wont send it. but tears abound. the way i feel about this man is seriously baffling to me.

sometimes i just wanna call you and be like, hey, what are you doing?  do you ever want to do that?
first thought is that you would say yes.  i can imagine that so easily.  for  second.
and then my second thought is that you do not. im nuts.
and it's all well and good to call you and say, hey, what are you doing, but i alwaaaaaa
a
a
a
ays
neverwantyoutoleave and you alwaaaaaaaa

a
a
a
ys do.

so yeah.

bizarre.

i have to remember i felt like this before.  remember when i was writing about how i felt better when i just texted you what i felt...like that i was missing you or whatever.  but then it seemed to happen that you would let me down eventually somehow, someway, and i would get all panicky and hurt.  and that has brought me to this place where i just picture my mother telling me i need to leave you alone.  until im over it.  youre not coming back.

so annoying though fighting what my gut tells me to do.  because i now i feel like im supposed to doubt my gut.  because you aren't fucking cooperating. ugh. that's not how we do.  thats not how we operated.  this isn't right dustin.  i dont care what you say.

kickball and beer

i can be thinking all day, trying to rest my mind, trying to let go, listen to music, repeat positive affirmations, whatev, and what really does the trick (the trick being that i feel happy and content inside without effort)...is a 2 shots of fireball, one beer, and some kickball.  the win (or in today's case, the loss) doesn't even matter.  it's the competition, the complete focus on what im doing, the air, the people, the completely different social atmosphere.  Ninety-nine percent of the time i leave my kickball games not remembering what i was thinking about relationships earlier, what i needed to get done for work, what i failed at during the day, what i needed to work on spritually, anything.  i just feel good.  it's crazy.  so simple and so crazy.  who'da thought?  that practicing my bunts with KP, talking about the team we are going to put together for next season, shooting the shit with boys i've known for a year but know nothing about their families/girlfriends/etc., drinking my beer on the sidelines solo, or walking away from someone mid conversation because someone made a great play that i needed to cheer about, would completely shift my gears without me even knowing it was happing.  i love it when this happens more than i love a lot of things.

ah, sweet lord.  thank you.

should

i should be working.  i should be at home getting ready for bed.  i should finish writing these cards to all these people who might stop being my friends if i dont.  what i should really do is meditate more so i don't have so many damn shoulds.  i should probably stop swearing. 

i dont want to come to work tomorrow.  i want to lay in bed, wake up, do what i want.  be peaceful.  be present in my tasks.  i am not very present lately.  why not?  i find myself compiling list after list of things to do and they all have equal priority so i dont know where to start.  i say equal priority but these things i'm calling equal are the following list items: "download spanish conversation app so i can get better at spanish" and "deliver Hope and Union's order" and "get new eyeglasses" and "send liz her [two year late] wedding gift" and "get 8 hours of sleep and dont drink booze or caffeine and become perfect at yoga" and  "tell my roommate we can't get a dog" and "tell my other roommate she still owes me rent money" and "get the check and then put it in the bank" and "get over dustin."  and i seriously feel like they are all equal and i havetodothemallrightnowrightnowrightnownand you never do anything you say you're going to do and it will never get done and youuuuuuucan'tfigure shit outtttt.

------------

today i talked to my friend chris larsen.  she's beautiful. so smart. and wise.  hates being alone/single.  i love reconnecting with friends and being pleasantly surprised by how great they are and how they encourage, inspire,  and understand me.  updated her on the status of my life, which of course included tears as i talked about what's his name.  so i was inspired to write about some of the things i was feeling while i talked.  the fact that my heart wants this to be a oh-so-romantic and dramatic story and just stand up for the fact that i want him.  i'll fight for him.  i'll believe he's coming back.  because there's no way i could be this dumb over a dude that wasn't coming back in the name of loooove.  eventually he'll have an epiphany. he's just not ready.  but i must've read something in a previous post that made me decide (for the moment) that that part was dumb again. he aint coming back.  oh yeah...it was the part where i was thinking of responding to nate's imaginary text," nate, darling, i realize i'm ready for man who knows what he wants and knows what he's got."  where in that line do you see dustin?  nowhere.  fuck it.

life is a tragedy filled with joy.

what does wise woman say?  is he coming back?   i can imagine both.  the scenario where he has an epiphany and comes back and the one where i move on to bigger and better, if you will.  okay, to different.  because sadly, when i imagine the other, the him not coming back, and it just being over, no closure no nothing, i may have "better," but i dont feel as alive.  guess i've gotta work on my imagination some.  or try again when im not still feeling beat up.

-----

i wonder how it would feel to quit fighting my heart for the sake of "wisdom?"  it would feel scary im sure, invigorating also. to just be like a child.  silly, smiling, saying, i'm not worried.  but  i'm too afraid to do it.
to say with conviction....
i'll wait.  he's coming back.

i'm too proud, too afraid of being wrong.  part of me wants to do it though lately....and not because im so hurt that i believe he's coming back.  but just because i believe it is one of life's challenges for me soemtimes to stand up for what i believe.  even if i am completely unsupported.  or could be plain ol' stupidity.

i committed to 60 days. i should stick to that.

Day 8, trains?

wonderful weekend in the ATL.  great concert, played swords with some kids, got pedicures, took naps, did a free yoga class and took major advantage of hampton inn's continental breakfast/lunch. and i got to hear one of my most soul-filling things, too.  from lizzie - "you said something the other night that really stuck with me........"  ahhhh.  If anything ever makes me feel like im fulfilling my purpose on earth, it's hearing those words.  makes me feel complete, successful, content, so happy.  so thanks, for telling me, sweet friend.

I did find myself completely worn out saturday morning when i woke and eventually attributed the exhaustion to a week full of grief.  fuckin grief.  always wearing me out.  this round got me for sure.  i'm still feeling it today, over a week later.  just finished my beloved hot yoga class and am now having a hard time keeping my eyes open. but my mind is so wonderful because she's so driven: "no don't go take a nap, you can get some work done...just focus on your accounting, once you get going you'll knock it out. you've been gone all weekend, you need to put some hours in.  don't let your tiredness distract you from making a successful business."  and my mind is so wonderful because she really does try to take care of me: "everything will be okay.  what would it be like if you just took care of what your mind and body needed?  you slept nine hours last night, had incredibly scary dreams, i.e. released a lot of good emotion, and you are still very, very tired.  maybe the universe wants you to sleep and heal more, and work is just a distraction?"  I'm choosing to work.  whether it is fear or strong character and discipline that influences this decision i do not know.  let's say the latter, it makes me feel cooler.

i did some emotional tapping on this trip.  mom's technique for helping to move obsessive thoughts through the mind and body when they get stuck.  i tapped out these little suckers:

"I shouldn't love him."
"I feel stupid for wanting him back."
"I need to figure this out."
"I miss him."
"I feel like I'll never get over this."
"I'm afraid to see him."
"I'm afraid to let go."

I'm just ready for this mental overworking to be done.  Hoping and praying that last weekends' rendezvous was my last pitfall....get it alllll out.  this last round of painful sadness and confusion was so sudden and intense that i think i'm actually afraid to let thoughts of him linger in my mind, as opposed to before when i just did/t want them there because i thought they shouldn't  be there after all this time.  so I've decided i would play "Rail Rush," my fave, fast finger-swiping, intense focus game everytime i started to think about him.  i'm not opposed to pulling over while driving.  I'll rewire my brain somehow damnit.  Ima make this shit work. :)  what i really want to do is do yoga all day every day and meditate in costa rica til im a zen master.  i wanna go right. now.

john from kickball asked me to go out sometime via facebook message.  i said no, at least not for a couple months cuz "romance has been wearing me out lately!" (my girlfriends also added that no one should get a "yes" from a facebook invite. waaay too lame.) i just can't do it.  my heart is too wounded.  im sure of it now.  i've got no juice. and believe my wisdom is clouded over, too.  so no.  again, i say, nikki is on the bench.

lord, be near.  be with me.  thank you for friends who love and support me.  thank you for all your gifts.  thank you for rest.  bring healing soon.  get me out of the way if i am slowing the process down in any way.   please, please.

day 4

better.  i opted for listening to the bible instead of music this afternoon on the way to kickball.  turns out, the bible can make me cry, too.  of course, this feels better than crying over him.

i am not scared of you.  i will read my grief book and read the bible and go to yoga and feel the pain and i will be fine.

"i don't dance unless i hear music and i dont scratch my head unless it itches. i will not be intimidated."

LOVE.

and i love my kickball team.  my amazing friends. amazing yoga teachers.  so much love all around me.  praise the lord, praise the lord.

-----

pretty much just re-read all i have written since january.  there have been many times i have thought about how many entries i have written about him and shamed myself some, saying, "i can't believe how much you need/do write about this guy, you're so lame."  but as i read tonight all i can think is, man, i have written some really beautiful things.  perceptive, emotional, intuitive, true.  i am beautiful.  in my heartbreak, in my pain, in my love, in my peace, in my honesty.  i would love one day to be able to confidently say to him, "you should read what i wrote about you....you may enjoy it."  today i really thought he might.  but the "he" i speak of there is the "he" i love, not the "he" that sucks, that walks away, and was never really interested and/or never will be again.  The "he" that will never be as wonderful as he was to me for those 2 months.

Day 3.  I went to sleep and woke up thinking, "you were many things that I wanted, but not everything." this does not mean my heart does not still feel sad.  i prayed the prayer, to have my hands open.  took some deep breaths.  said, "i look forward to running into you so i can practice holding my peace."

then i began my drive to work in the rain, winding down beautiful riverland road.  i remembered how i felt when we were first getting together.  i remembered also you asking me if you crossed my mind when i thought about moving to texas.  of course you did.  man, i dont know why those moments are so sweet to me.  but they are.  i recognize it.  take another deep breath to try to stop the flow of tears before it begins.  and i think of the day when i come up to you to say, "hey.  just wanted to let you know i'm good.  i met somebody else and he's great, so im not afraid of you anymore.  so feel free to talk to me all you wish, not that you probably will.  just wanted you to know im good."

my shoulders are tight.  my smile is naught.  i am sad.

 i miss you every day.  some more than others.  i hate you today. because i love you.  i have no idea why. seeing you yesterday was literally an answered prayer from 30 minutes prior.  i wanted to be able to stare at you, watch you for a while. and i got to through lane's window, like a total creeper.  and i wanted to talk to you, be with you, have one more day with you. and i got to look in your eyes.  but see, i wanted to stare at you and talk to you and be turned off.  be nudged further in the direction of getting over you.  but the opposite happened.  i thought you were beautiful.  i love your face.  i love your eyes, your mouth, your stories, your body, your smell, your white shoes, your faint cigarette breath.  and loving you felt good for a minute.  really good, like validation for the amount that i have missed you. i felt my soul let out a huge relief sigh. 

and then.  you left.  like you always do.  and my heart breaks and you slap my face all over again, telling me you don't feel what i feel.

you are selfish.  you didn't know anyone else at the party really so you talked to me to keep busy.  you didn't talk to me because you wanted to talk to me.  and that is so incredibly selfish, given that i have recently bared my heart to you in asking you to leave me alone. BE BETTER.  be stronger. next time dont tell me you are respecting me, actually fucking respect me. and leave the party.  because i want to talk to you so badly that if you give me to opportunity i will take it like a weak, weak girl.  my strength only goes so far.  im an addict and once i start i can't stop.  you give me a taste, turn my soul on, and then walk away and leave me to console myself and put the pieces of my heart back together.


-----

the version i might actually send:

i dont know why you stopped me yesterday to talk to you.  i have theories, most of them are rooted in selfishness.  yes it is awkward to be at the same party. but you get to me, dustin, and you fucking know it.  so i dont care what the reason, if i send you a message saying that it hurts me to talk to you so please leave me alone, dont just tell me you are respecting me and my wishes, actually respect them.  you know i will stop and talk to you if you give me the opportunity, because im wonderfully loving and nice. and also because i miss you and i acually really do want to talk to you.  but it's not good for me.  because you leave me standing there.  every fucking time and you are fine and i am shaken.  and i know you know this.  so actually respecting me would mean you do not talk to me, even if it's awkward and even if you want to.  you.  are.  hurting.  me.  please stop.  let me move on.  i did not anticipate you would bother me this much but it is what it is.  when i'm fine, i'll let you know.  until then, unless you are contacting me to tell me that you are a dumbass, you miss me every day, and you want it back, i dont want to hear from you. be a man that's actually worth what my heart feels, and avoid me even.

starting now.

------
2 days later, i will send no such thing.  i will commit to avoiding him for 60 days, praying that i will keep my hands open.  for my heart to release him in peace, to be still and breathe as the flow of life washes over me.  for me to not grip tightly god's gifts.  when i see him, when i get the urge to stare, lord, let me sit, take three deep breaths with my hands open and say, "i trust the process of life.  i release you in love. i am complete."  and hopefully i will conquer my fear that he will come to me and i will not be able to say no and i will be left shaken.  again.

i will not.  i am strong.  i am capable.  i am complete.

i wonder how many days in a row i have pulled up your facebook page just for the hell of it?

i'm not pregnant, hallelujah.  seriously.

nate is going to work with me at the farmers market this weekend.  weird, i know.  i have zero expectations, i just needed a helper.

why am i still fucking thinking about dustin.  i miss him today.

oh baby

i love also that nate "broke up" with me and i haven't written a damn thing about it.

i stillll have not gotten my period.  (i halfway want to send nate a picture of my period tracker that loudly, in bright pink and green, says that i am 10 days late....but i wouldn't cuz that's whoa, teenage drama).  what makes me a little more nervous about this is that both shannon and cassie are excited at the thought that i actually might be pregnant.  it makes me nervous that for a moment, i was, too.  i did get some birth control, though, if said period does ever happen.  today i told shannon this. it went like this.

me: i did get some birth control.  it's like 30 bucks a month though.  that's dumb

shan: pretty sure kids are like $3000 a month.

me: ha. good point.  im just saying, it's dumb to be paying $30 a month if im not having sex right now.

shan: yeah but you're still getting drunk.

me: ha. good point again.

i actually really hope and dont think im pregnant.  but i LOVE that my friends are so beautiful and amazing and supportive. seriously.  cassie and shannon's responses to the possibility (excitement, shannon wondering tpo herself if i would find out the sex beforehand, cassie saying that what she said freshman still stands (we could raise it together in our dorm room)) show me again why they are my people.
----

i thought the other day that i might be okay with dating a smoker because it makes me feel less like i have to be less perfect.
----

my phone beeped last night that i had a text message and i wondered if it might be nate.  my imaginary response to his imaginary text was, "nate.  darling.  i realize im ready for man who knows what he wants and knows what he's got.  you dont need to keep texting me, ok?"  if i get a real text from him, i do believe i will actually say this.

remember? i am THE prize.  i keep forgetting....
----

i hate that during our very first phone conversation only three weeks after we basically met you said to me, "you're not going to be able to do it, nicole.  you're a romantic.  you're not just gonna be able to sleep with anyone who has a good line and a smile.  you're not built that way.  i know that's not very "casual" of me to say, but it's true."  and i hate that you're probably half/more than half right.

and i hate this:

me: awww, nate.  this sucks (smiling, half embarassed, half as if im telling a funny story). i hate that the last time we hooked up i was kind of embarassed.  and now it's done and im gonna keep thinking of that.

nate:  ohh, you wont be embarassed with you?  will you be embarassed?  dont be embarssed.

me: yeah. probably.  yeah.  for  a bit.  but i'll get over it.

nate: silence.

change scenery....

me:  (sheepish smile, eyes hidden, slowed in the act).  im sorry.  i think i just get....embarassed...

you:  whooooa.  come here. (you pull me up to look in my face).  embarassed?  no way.  do you even...know...like...this (gesturing to me and my body, my face, my person) and you and everything you are....is....(shaking your head).  there is just NO place for embarssement at all.  ok?  ok?  there's just not.  come over here....

i hate that you still win, another situation, yet again.  and that right now my heart is too tender to go out and try to find someone else to try to beat you.

-----
i love that today i spoke candidly and honestly to my mother about what happened with nate.  so yes, i told her i slept with him on her birthday.  and that he felt guilty about it and i didn't.  ok, i didn't tell her that i was embarassed cuz i pulled his penis too roughly the last time we hooked up, but other than that i was pretty candid. and she is, as always, amazing.  i hope it doesn't make her uncomfortable and now she's like, oh lord, what did i do telling my daughter to have more sex?? ha.

today

today i love myself.  im proud of me and realize i am competent and smart and talented and i fully embrace life's joy's and tragedies.

i love earth fare and the people who share their lives and bananas with me.  i love lattes and meeting new people who work for coffee shops that share my goodness.
i love florence and the machine and how moved by music i have been lately.
i will even say i love that i still periodically look at dustin's facebook page because it gives me something to do and i like to see how i will react.
i love my business practices....that i am often scattered but that i still get shit done.
i love that i am alone today and tom is not working.
i love that i am encouraging and loving.
i love that i try so fucking hard all the time.  to be. to do. to relax. to love.
i love my tattoo.
i love my insecurities.
i love that i have little sexual experience.
i love bikram and how much i love it.
i love the farmers market and how comfortable and happy i am there.
i love that i know that dustin will be out of town next week because he mentioned a concert to me ONE time.  ha.
i love that i know myself and i like hanging out with myself.  today.
i love the lord and how he never leaves me.
i love you.

dont think about him dont think about him dont think about him.  you are tired.  he is dumb.  remember, you have better shit to do.  so true.

goodbye for real?

i broke up with dustin again via text message yesterday.  i dont know why.  i was not feeling overly emotional or anything.  i think i just realized it was silly for me to keep putting myself in a position that perpetually kept disppointing me.  i always want more and i dont get it.

so i said some nice things, honest things about how he got to such a sweet place in my heart that it was hard for me to keep pretending its not painful when i see him and that i dont always leave our two minute conversations feeling unsatisified.  so i asked him to not bring breakfast anymore. and told him i was going to pretend he left because i was ready for him to go because i needed it.  and to know i was sending him good things always.

him: "i am humbled and flattered.  and i of course will respect your wishes, nicole.  you are a beautiful woman and will always hold a spot in my heart."

me: sigh. clearly he is fine with letting it go. ugh. ok im ready too. fine. embarassed slightly but fine.

then a minute later, him: "and the rest i don't know how to articulate..."

me: "well try you fucking dot dot dotter. make it easier on me or something. ha"

him: "i think about you too. and i understand really i do, but your terms is what im ...ing.  it seems the rules are what got us here in the first place.  that sounds harsh to say but its not meant to.  I dont quite know what i mean to say."

me: "can you call me to figure it out?"

him:"i dont have the words for you, nic.  i'll think about it and if you want tomorrow we can have a little chatski. i'll see how this comes out of my head."
(*chatski?  this is not a fucking joke to me.  no you dont think about me the way i think about you.  you just dont. there have been too many times where you did not call.  did not sit with me long enough.  dont fucking say you think about me too.  it is not the same. cuz you would also call me in this moment instead of texting. dont get mad at my rules cuz your heart is fine.  mine is bigger and hurts more. )

me: "ok...and some other blah blah...thanks for responding"

me today:  he has not made the effort to communicate therefore this is not important to him.  i am fine with this.  why would he argue with me?  i need space.  i have fucking needed space since the beginning.  for some reason he just gets to me, i dont care if it's right or wrong or justified it just fucking happens.  i dont need him in my life.  this texting bullshit made me feel like our connection was not all i thought it was.  it could be what ive said before - that it WAS all i thought it was but that he couldn't handle it.  or, shit, maybe i was just ripe for romance, ripe for a confident man to come in and not need anything from me but still tell me i was amazing, and therefore i thought we had a great connection.  fuck the connection.  im so over this.

seriously, goodbye for real.  i dont think im gonna daydream about him with smiles on my face anymore.  i used to enjoy it and permit it, now im tired of idolizing weak ass him and our so called connection. 

ive got better shit to do.

Yeah i think i was crazy yesterday.  im sick. defenses down. overly analytical.

today i have no intention of asking dustin anything on saturday. 

i took nate to the airport today.  he told me i looked good/cute/great several times.  and i caught him staring at me like i was amazing more than once. 

that's all i need, man.  for you, right now, all i need is for you to think and act like im great to keep me from preferring/reminiscing about the other dude.  keep it coming.

intuition or hormones

something doesn't quite feel right about nate.  when im with him, i am calmer.  i think ok, he's funny, charming, cute.  this is good.  but today, he's out of town, i dont really feel like he misses me, like we're faking this thing.  i just get a weird vibe.

is he reacting to me thinking he's not into me and thus pulling away or is my intuition telling me to let it go?  last week when i was out of town we were texting a lot, i was having fun, i liked where we were going.  this week something shifted.  a little bit friday when we slept together and afterward i asked if he was feeling guilty.  he says yes.  i say, hmmm, maybe i dont want to sleep with you anymore.  which i realize now could possibly make him feel insecure.  but whatever!  i want a man who can handle his insecurites and pursue me anyway.  so the other time i felt like something shifted was sunday night.  we spent the day together, it was really great.  i was crushing him, having a good time.  then i spend the night at his house for the first time and i say no to fooling around for the first time, he ends up getting up in the middle of the night to sleep in the other room cuz his "mind won't shut off."  next morning is fine...ish.  i feel like he's distant, this makes me uncomfortable.  i have felt weird ever since.  and thinking about dustin ever since.

ugh.

today i am tentatively planning to ask dustin on saturday if he ever finds himself wanting to spend time with me.  not as an invitation, just as a question.  we'll see if i do it.

i couldn't sleep last night.  my throat hurt enough that it woke me up several times.  i also kept thinking i needed to do something to move on. i was with my friend laura earlier in the evening and she asked what was up with me, so i told her about lots, including you.  she was encouraging and wonderful, insightful.  she reminded me of a few things and also told me you were an idiot for letting me go.  i didn't have to DO anything.  if you want to come get me with some romantic gesture you can, but other than that, im amazing and can just move on and i dont need someone like you who is too stupid to realize that i am THE prize.

that's nice and all but i felt better when i was just appreciating you, loving you, knowing we will be fine. 

maybe.  but maybe this is the inevitable place i end up when i start thinking about you in any other terms than "i need to get over it."  this place being one where im sad, mind churning, think i need to DO something.  either call you and have one more present day with you or tell you how i have been feeling and dealing these past couple of months and therefore you need to stop bringing me breakfast and i need to pretend you are gone.

i might do that i dont know.

might need to just breathe and rest and just know im overwhelmed today.  i can shut my mind off, it's ok.

im sick, tired, overwhelmed, and hope my stomach doesn't feel weird cuz it's growing nate's baby. the other day i felt like that woulda been fine, i'd figure it out.  today i think i was being retarded and immature.  ha.  i dont want a baby right now.  yikes.  how bout that for a way to end an entry.

divine

i read something in a yoga book that said something along the lines of, "we experience a remembrance of our essential divine nature (that is joy) when we are falling in love.  everything seems brighter, the smiles come easier, nothing can dampen our mood.  we remember that we are all connected in love."

i wonder if this is a way of explaining what happened with us.

and it was too much for you.  i dont blame you.  i love that the universe is so beautiful that it could connect two people on such a deep, deep level that no one would expect.


i love you.  and release you to the care of the one who loves you even more than i.  we will be fine.

i wonder if there will be a day when i dont believe we were connected on a deep spiritual level.

you cross my mind unexpectedly and with a feeling similar to one that comes when i think about friends i have had for years.  since we haven't known each other nearly that long it's very hard to explain why i would feel that way and therefore Mind quickly tells me that i shouldn't feel that way.  that something is awry in my brain to make me think our connection would be that deep.  but today, instead of judging the feeling and believing Mind, i think i'll just wonder.  wonder if and when it will stop feeling that way.  and wonder if you feel it, too.

if i weren't afraid of being wrong i'd say with confidence i know you do.  i know you feel me.  you miss me.  you think about me regularly.  you just push it down with denial better than i do.

i think it's interesting that you have gradually over the past two weeks spent more time with me at the market.  you asked for the first time since our coffee shop meeting how I am doing.  and you listened.  you were with me for the first time in five meetings.  can't help but think it's because i am finally allowing the fibers that are wound with your soul to loosen and release some.  this reinforces the idea that you know.  you know how i feel.  you know my heart.  so even when i was not communicating with you, i was just suffering on my own, you knew it.  and it was too much pressure for you and you did not feel safe to be around me, to be present with me.  i dont blame you.  but now that i'm letting go, you feel safer.  because i feel more stable to you.

people thinking in earthly, less mystical terms would probably just attribute this to boys wanting what they can't have.  but i know better.  and i will stand by that now, even though it seems silly and scary and "out there" to do so. 

i like nate.  he makes me happy and i definitely have a crush on him.  and that feels good.  and when you and i spoke last saturday i did not feel anxious like i usually do with you.  combination of letting go, liking someone new, and you actually being there with me.  so i felt good, not needy, not missing you more than usual or anything.

then the texting:

me: "i didn't say thank you for breakfast.  but i thought it. big."
you: "your eyes and your smile said it for you, deary. ;)"

me: a sigh as i drop to sit on my cooler, cover my face as my heart squeezes. unexpectedly and suddenly my eyes well up.  i have not stopped loving you.  chris, a cute market frequenter shows up just in time to switch gears in my heart and mind.  i am grateful for this.

little by little i learn

i got the first longer than 30 seconds conversation on saturday.  during which he tells me he's not leaving the country.  great.

he loves my tattoo.  keeps thinking about it....

nate shows up at the market for a couple of hours.  we touch a lot.  having a crush on him makes me happy. he is a large reason why dustin's continued presence in this city does not scare me so much.

i go to a cooking class bridal shower the next day and eyeball the super cute chef.  hard.  we exchange numbers.  i feel like an incredible success.

nate and i go to a concert together that evening and i find him intriguing, charming, cute, sexy, good.  im getting nervous about my heart and dont know what to do about it.

i find myself wanting to talk to dustin about these other dates and how it is challenging me to open up again. i want to ask him how he feels when he is with other people.  if he ever thinks about why he and i were so great together.  if we really were this crazy, meant-to-be, perfectly-on-the-same page duo.  meant-to-be-for a short time, but meant-to-be nontheless. and perhaps other relationships may not have the initial ease that we did, but they could still have incredible power and beauty and longevity and depth.  by the initial ease i mean the perfect kisses, perfect touches, perfect looks, perfect words.  and i do mean PERFECT.  (definition: i would want them to be no different, completely and totally enjoyable).  nate and i sometimes have perfect kisses, and some of the affection is perfect, but often our kisses are just a little off.  for some reason it takes a sec to get in the right rhythm.  his touches on my face are often too firm for my taste, but i do like him touching me regardless.  i dont ever remember a kiss with dustin that didn't fit.  i dont remember a touch that didn't make my mind stop and my heart and body melt into his.  there were of course a couple mid-sex moments that were not my favorite, but cmon, he can't be THAT perfect.

 i guess my challenge to continue asking for what i need (i.e. "i like it when you...) without being afraid that person won't like me or they will get mad or leave me is still on the table, large and in charge.   maybe dustin was so perfect because my challenge at this stage of my life is to keep doing that, but relationships, and my heart, and sex are such tender sitations for me.  so in order to step out of my comfort zone and grow, i needed a nearly perfect, perceptive man for that.  at least to start.

the heartbroken aftermath was just an unavoidable residual effect.

so i guess i carry on.  continuing my practice with nate (and possibly chef JJ) to speak my mind and heart without fear. and to try my damndest not to fear the heartache again.

reminders

nate.  we need to talk about him.  that's a funny story.

tattoo.  i got one.  and we need to talk about that.

dustin.  he's leaving the country in 5 days.  hooray.

hanging in there

still! im ok!

mom (and dad) helped break the pattern i think and im so so grateful.  im being cautious with my mind of course though.  mom explained to me that im such a loving person (thanks mom) that it's unnatural for me to shut him out, to be intentional about not texting, etc. because i want him to know he's loved.  even as a friend.  but, because he got to my heart somehow it's too tender and it's dangerous to do that.  so i need to protect my lil' heart in this case even tho she wants to be generous.  so im treating my heart and mind that way, with TLC, instead of harsh words like, "this shouldn't bother me, suck it up, you'll be fine, blah blah."  amanda, my roommate explained to me that since he is no longer texting me first and/or immediately after i communicate with him it is clear i am no longer on his radar.  he is special to me, but i am not longer special to him.  that, with its matter-of-fact-ness, strangely helps stop the obsessive thinking cycle before it can begin.  angela explained that the reason he was able to move on so quickly is because men can compartmentalize more than women can.  that also helps.  dad explained, with his fantastic humor, "the fact that he was a smoker doesn't bother me.  smokers aren't so bad.  it's the short thing that bothers me.  i'll have to be like, "Look at me in the chest when you're talking to me!"
my dad is funny.

alan came by the market also.  not to see me and he may not have even stopped had i not caught his eye but whatev.  he talked to my dad some.  i talked to his ex-long-term-girlfriend, frances.  i dont think i even said anything to my dad but he brough him up later and said, "that guy alan, he seems like a very nice young man.  from a man's perspective, i would like to hear something from you, like, "it was good to see you again today," so i know you're interested."  i told him how we have been interested in each other for 3+ years but our timing sucks and i think he still has a girlfriend.  dad said, "well he may, but he is either still interested in you or he's interested in me, and i'm pretty sure it's the former.  so i sent what he told me and dad put money on the fact that he would respond.  he did.  pretty sure i'd like to marry that guy. and if i actually when on a date with him or hung out with him outside of the farmers market at all i'd want to even more.  he's dangerous.  or my person. ha.

saw lane at church also.  we have plans now to go to a kick ass old-school r&b concert in june.  he loves me and would protect me in such a good godly sort of way.  he's just good.  i love him, too.  our conversation ended with him saying, yeah, so think about getting married, let me know. he jokes, but he doesn't.  i can't commit now.  never could.  yet his purity and his love makes relationships with these other boys feel so different.  inferior somehow.  why can't i commit to him?

ran into nate the day my parents left also.  hadn't seen him since the day after a drunken sleepover on st. patty's day and hadn't communicated two days after when i responded to his friendly text with, "i'm gonna be MIA for a while.  i don't need to be getting drunk and doing things like we did the other night.  i know that sounds bad, but, yeah."  so i show up at a birthday gathering with a group of christians and there he is.  we talked after dinner.  i told him i was sorry for freaking out in a very cool, charming, why-boys-like-me sorta way.  he said he'd like to go to spain with me when i go for a month.  i think he was serious.  we went back to his house to keep conversation going.  hung out on his roof under the stars and had great conversation until we decided to stop talking.  this time i haven't freaked out.  i mean, i did decide i needed to pray every morning this week about what god wants me to do with my heart/mind/hormones, but i didn't freak out. i rather enjoyed myself.

all of this, and i am still nervous about the market saturday.  will dustin bring breakfast?  if he does what will i say?  if he doesn't will i be sad?  but im reminded of one of my little email notes from "the universe" that said, "do not make decisions, nicole, until it is time to make them."  it is indeed not time.  i'll be fine. i love me. love life. love god. all is well in my world.

YES YES YES

I'm good!  she fixed me.  multiple new techniques, time, love, magic, whatever.
im good.

we were always meant to be casual, no strings attached, easy, fun.  short-term.  somewhere in there, and for whatever reason, we both thought it might be something else.  it just so happened that he realized/remembered that was NOT true and he let it go.  took me a little while longer. (two miserable months longer, despite my best efforts.)  but today i am thrilled to just let let it be what it was.  short-term, easy, wonderful.  it was never meant to be anything but that.

sweet jesus i feel free.  and i will stay this way.  im claiming it. :)

save the day, please

my mom is coming today for an entire week.  i am so grateful, excited, hopeful.  i hope she can fix me. give me that free therapy that will take dustin out of my mind foreva.

why do i love him so?  i know i dont.  my brain is addicted and i cant make it stop. 

all suffering comes from denying what is.  he gave me five minutes and the market and i wanted 5 hours.  so i suffer. 

i suffer more because i dont understand how i can know as much as i know, and love as much and as many people as i do and still want to force a reality that is not and will not happen.  fucked up.

but totally loved jesus and was all happy yesterday.  and today i am again nuts.  that is why i am additionally fucked up.

ok, you can go. i guess

sobbed my eyes out AGAIN last night.  about the same shit.  but my mom is so wonderful.  seriously. nobody has comforted and helped like she has in this situation, mainly because she thinks, operates, heals, on a psychological level that i operate under as well.  she was able to relate.  granted, she was using a "break-up" with a couple of girlfriends to do so, but it worked.  she said some days she just can't believe it's over.  that they were friends for twenty years and she sent a birthday card and heard no response.  she said she's had to work thoughts about the relationship through multiple times over the last year.  she has asked herself what she would be getting from the relationship if she had it back.  decided she would have that experience of somebody really understanding her, the closeness, the comfort of just being yourself.  but she would also get the experience of someone not calling her when they were in town visiting, someone who always choses another friend over her, someone who acts like she's unreasonable for wanting/needing what she does out of the friendship.  and she says she doesn't really want a friendship like that.

so i asked myself what i would be getting if i had the relationship back.  first thought is him looking at me, touching my face.  i felt like he was crazy about me.  he made me feel like he loved me, whether i acknowledged that consciously at the time. i felt beautiful.  like he was intrigued and impressed.  and i was myself.  i did get that.  i got physical affection.  i got distraction.  i got to feel like nothing else mattered.  i got to dream and to feel like i didn't care about anything else but being close to him, learning about him.  i got to be in awe at how i could feel the way i felt.  and i fucking love that feeling SO much.  that's what i miss.

i also would get a relationship where the guy is not ready to say that i'm the coolest thing he's ever met, that he would do anything to be with me because he realizes what i am and how lucky he is.  i would also be with a guy who doesn't really go to church, smokes, believes he's going to get cancer and die early, has a family full of disorder, and goes out sometimes on a tuesday and gets hammered for no good reason.  who also makes me nervous sometimes that he might be manipulating a situation to get what he wants.  who has justified his reasoning somehow and his actions might be hurting someone else.  someone who uses his confidence and intuition to make people feel loved but never really lets his guard down to let people in because he's afraid.

somebody who would leave me at my house when i was hurting and clearly didn't want him to go.  that right there is not what i want.  i want a man who will not leave.  whose heart loves me so much that he could not look at my face and into my heart and know he was hurting me and do it anyway.

i went to sleep exhausted, needing jesus to hold me and rock me to sleep.  to be enough.  for it to be okay that i was too tired to "work it out" in my mind.  i woke up with at least a small amount of faith that i WILL feel that way again.  i dont necessarily want him, i just want the feeling. so if i believe that god has good things for my future, that i will feel that feeling again with someone else, then i dont need to hold on to dustin specifically.  he was just a vehicle for this short season.  we hold on to people because they are concrete, our experiences with them are concrete.  i KNOW i can feel that way with him.  i dont know about anyone else.  when, where, how.  but i do know god is good.  and life is good.  so im letting go in faith.  with reluctance, yes, but im letting go. one fiber at a time...

it's not you, it's me.  and its my heart.  it will come alive again without you.  we cannot fathom the depth of experience god can give us here.  i'll hold that today.

today i got a sudden weird tightness in my chest and for some reason my first thought was that he was seeing someone else.

this is so fucked up.  i CANNOT BELIEVE i still give a shit.

movement

Man what a weekend. An emotional one. Imagine that, eh?

I saw dustin Friday. I knew I would, I could feel it. I was hoping it, anyway, and of course, dually prepared to be disappointed. I saw him, hugged him, commented on his unshaven face, which I don’t like nearly as much as his bearded face. He says I look good, he’ll catch up with me later. no he wont. No he didn’t. I had the BEST time with my other company at the bar, laughing for six hours straight. Seriously, don’t know if I have ever laughed that long or that hard before, and my brothers and sister and I laugh A LOT. Anyway, this fantastic evening did not keep me from not being able to sleep for missing him. Wanting him. Wanting us back.

I sat on the piazza the next beautiful Saturday morning and painfully wished and wanted every
single person that came around the corner to be him. Then I cried like I needed to cry. Called my mother with sobs in my voice as she picked up cheerfully. She got the, “hi, moooom,” greeting, the one that probably breaks a mama’s heart. “awww, honeeeey,” was her response. She listened to me be honest about how badly I wanted to see him right then, how empty I felt, how disappointed I was. Grief is a crazy thing. You can hold it back or try to tame it, rationalize it, soften the heart squeezing with gentle logic, but sadness like that needs to be felt in order for it to move. We finally have to come to a place where we have no more juice to fight or rationalize the pain and we just let it be there. We quit judging it cuz we don’t even have the juice for that. And if we’re lucky we have someone amazing like my mother who will listen and just let us be in that place. Because THEN the magic happens.

It MOVES. Can’t explain it, can’t force it, you can’t even really make yourself feel the sadness in efforts to help it move. But if you genuinely feel it deeply, express it as you need to, and don’t judge it, it will move. No rules for how long you have to do that, or how many times, and how the gradual the move with be, but it will move. And hallelujah, mine is moving.

With my sadness came honesty and I did send him a message that morning telling him I would love to catch up sometime. He says, he prefers the any’s to the some’s. my response: when I said some I really meant like right then, and right now. A few messages ensue, but with enough time-space between them for me to continue working the grief through. so long story short, I see him Tuesday for 10 minutes. I ended up parking right near his work for a delivery and ask via texy if he, “wants to come outside and say hello to a cute blonde girl he used to know with a great ass.” Response: “phenomenal ass. Be right out.”

Im nervous but centered, feeling after all the grief im finally ready to accept and let it go. Let us go. He and we are not coming back. But that does not mean we can’t still look at each other with gratitude and remembrance for that amazing season we had together, even if getting back together is no longer an option at all. [ Sidebar: It probably never was for him, even though he said truly believed that the timing just wasn’t right and that maybe down the road we would end up together. I don’t believe he really meant it. He may have thought he did, but no.] that’s what I was hopeful for: looking at each other with respect, love, and fond memories, but no longer with hope. So my heart is pounding and im shaking a little. I ask whats been going on, he tells me lots of stories. I am excited for him, encouraging. As comfortable as I could be in the situation once he started talking. He seems sort of blah. Not excited about these things that are happening that I thought he would be stoked for. He hasn’t been working out, talked about being out of control at an oyster roast a couple of days before, and his teeth look like he’d been smoking a lot. Ha. I did not feel vulnerable. I felt observant. He seemed distant, which also could’ve been due to discomfort with the situation – I did defriend him recently, does he think I still want him so he’s trying to be distant, or, super girl analysis hopeful shit here, when he hugged me I kept it short and sweet and I felt for a second he was trying to nuzzle into my face like we always do…like we did when I ran into him on king street a while back and we hugged and comforted each other like we needed…the hug that says many words….i didnt do that this time so maybe he was bummed/noticed. So we talk 10 minutes and he doesn’t ask me one single question. Fine, but that contributed to the distance. To the awareness that we are not the same couple we were. We no longer have the same powerful connection.We are not on the same wavelength where we just love, accept, are present. I was feeling present,positive, centered, loving, okay with us being apart. He was….i don’t know…not the same. I decided, in honesty and humility, if thatcan be said here, that I/we/our connection brought out the best in him.

Surprisingly I felt good when I left. Not the same as before where I hate that we are not together and am sad that we are no longer the same. Just like, “okay. The magical place/wavelength we were on together before..im still there…he’s decided not to be there.” Not, “he’s decided he doesn’t love me,” just he decided he wants to hang out in the non-powerful place. So that’s ok.
And the fact that I felt okay about it made me feel GREAT about it. I’ve been not okay about it for too long, so this was a feeling accepted most joyously and gratefully.

Man it’s so weird tho. The last time we were together and we were talking honestly about what we had and how much we miss each other I was with the dustin I loved. Open, loving, honest, even if the truth hurt. And this guy is not the same. Does he really just change what he gives and how he’s acting based on the outcome he wants and suits him best at the moment? That’d be crazy. Cuz not enough has happened between us in the past month for him to go from our affectionate coffee shop meeting to the distant dustin he just was with authentic reason. I mean,
enough has happened for me, but he has no idea the shit my mind has put me thru for the past month. I suppose he could have met somebody else and that could do it.

Whatever. Great thing is I have (for today at least) quit thinking we will get back together. My mind never really thought that we would but my little tender heart hoped for it. Another good thing is we have opened doors of communication without so much pressure. The farmers market
reunion can or cannot happen and I am indifferent. I wont have been wondering what he’s been thinking all this time. I just assume he has not been, and im okay(ish) with that.

All these things are true, and I do feel like my heart and grief have shifted to a new place, but the crazy thing about hearts and connections is that there still is this little part of my heart that warms when I hear from him. That sighs like everything is going to be okay. My soul rests for a minute just having him near, even if it’s only a text message. A text message that still holds the reality that he does not miss me like I miss him. Today, it doesn’t even matter for some reason. Maybe because I don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking about us, I just don’t think he is, I can just miss him by myself and only miss him. Not miss and wonder. Thinking about him now and letting the memories of what I loved about him and us fill me from the inside and cover me from the outside doesn’t feel so dangerous. It feels comforting. Yes, I admit i feel like im succumbing to an addiction, but I need it. I need it right now. Just for a little while. I can only let go of so much at one time.