shhhh, mind. shhhhhh

I want to write but I don't. I don't bc I've been meditating and reaaaalllly trying not to let my mind start spinning. Just be here. Breathe. I feel like I've really done a great job lately. Been feeling quite happy. I've thought about d and let the love be there, I'm happier that way I decided....than trying to fight it, trying to be angry at him, tryyyying to get over it. It's felt really good. Of course i wondered how today would feel, seeing him at the market. He came up, of COURSE, says hello, says he's been feeling great, 14 days sober, 5 days at the gym and one soccer game in the last week. I say good work. I think at one point about texting him to bring me breakfast and then someone else showed up at nearly the exact time with nearly the exact breakfast I would've ordered asking if I would please eat it. Thus I need not text. (thanks, god.)  And I get no communication from him, of course, for the rest of the day. I have a perfect end to the afternoon at the pool with flick and new friend, matt, at kev and shannons pool. When I finally leave flick, 4 slow beers later, I hug her for a long time and say, "I won't be depressed when I go home, I won't be depressed, I won't be depressed." see, when I leave the market, leave my peeps, esp after I have had a couple beers, and go home alone, esp after I have seen him....ok, even been in his vicinity, I can have a hard come down. (sidebar: why do I keep drinking when I know it can potentially bring me down and make me think ca ca crazy?) so I, duh, put on my new love, slow electronic music (with noooo effing words about romance to analyze/try not to analyze) and breathe deep and try to practice meditating while I drive home.

It works pretty well.

I try to ignore the thought, "he doesn't love u." 

And "whyyyy would he still come talk to u?

and, "When did I give him the okay to come back to making small stupid talk that always leaves me wanting?"

It's ok, I decided with marsha that it was ok- he's not gonna stop, cuz he can't, he's not strong enough or whatever, and id rather love him than try to deny him, bc that doesn't work and makes me anxious. I decided I would just let him do what he does and it may or may not hurt me but I would try to meditate and be strong and not go get him or change things or wonder why he does what he does. Just say, he does what he does because he does what he does. Life will be what it will be. I will be a willow. I am just here. I'm not going to try to figure. To fix. I am just here. Maybe that's all I have the energy to do after I try to fight the humanness in me that feels things I dont understand and practically hates said feelings.

I am just here.

I will be strong where he is not. Without anger. Without feelings of martyrdom or desperation. Out of love I guess. And out of lack of other options.

I want to go to costa rica tomorrow for 6 weeks. And come back a different person that doesn't know him. i know. That's not very "oh, we were super connected and we will always be connected and he does love u, it just didn't work out" of me is it?

But I do. I want to go away and not say goodbye. To prove a point. What point? The oh, u don't care about me? U want to take advantage of the fact that I'm always fucking here?? Well too bad. See ya. Leave me alone.
Would he even notice?
Would he ask anyone about me?
Would I come back better?

Can I do that? I have this thought underneath all my positive affirmations that says....hold on...gotta close my eyes and dig it out all stealth-like...."nope, this is what u want? Not gonna happen. If u think something will make u happy for a while it won't. I'm going to trick u. Something will always come back around to disappoint u. Like driving christis prius for cheap? Ur gonna ruin something on it and have to pay for it so you don't actually save any money. Life is all a big game to keep u thinking things are gonna be good and they're not. I will always win. Come back with disappointment. Don't get excited about anything. Nothing will work the way u want it to. Esp if u do something tryin to fix something u don't like about your life instead of just being patient. If u try to fix it, run from it, it won't work. I'll bring it back around until u deal with it."  man those are some mean nasty thoughts.  if i were imagining the way the devil would talk to you, i feel like thats how it would sound.  really negative, discouraging, so not life giving and loving.  yuck.


Maybe it's just that going to costa or somewhere feels like I'm running. Maybe it's ok to run every now and then. Instead of trying to be strong, take myself away from a challenging situation. I would encourage all my friends to do that. And I tried to do that with telling him to leave me alone, but that didn't work. So maybe I need to go. Christy is coming in July....maybe she could work for me. Maybe I could train her, and leave for just a couple of weeks.

im just tired of this.  tired of him.  tired.