should

i should be working.  i should be at home getting ready for bed.  i should finish writing these cards to all these people who might stop being my friends if i dont.  what i should really do is meditate more so i don't have so many damn shoulds.  i should probably stop swearing. 

i dont want to come to work tomorrow.  i want to lay in bed, wake up, do what i want.  be peaceful.  be present in my tasks.  i am not very present lately.  why not?  i find myself compiling list after list of things to do and they all have equal priority so i dont know where to start.  i say equal priority but these things i'm calling equal are the following list items: "download spanish conversation app so i can get better at spanish" and "deliver Hope and Union's order" and "get new eyeglasses" and "send liz her [two year late] wedding gift" and "get 8 hours of sleep and dont drink booze or caffeine and become perfect at yoga" and  "tell my roommate we can't get a dog" and "tell my other roommate she still owes me rent money" and "get the check and then put it in the bank" and "get over dustin."  and i seriously feel like they are all equal and i havetodothemallrightnowrightnowrightnownand you never do anything you say you're going to do and it will never get done and youuuuuuucan'tfigure shit outtttt.

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today i talked to my friend chris larsen.  she's beautiful. so smart. and wise.  hates being alone/single.  i love reconnecting with friends and being pleasantly surprised by how great they are and how they encourage, inspire,  and understand me.  updated her on the status of my life, which of course included tears as i talked about what's his name.  so i was inspired to write about some of the things i was feeling while i talked.  the fact that my heart wants this to be a oh-so-romantic and dramatic story and just stand up for the fact that i want him.  i'll fight for him.  i'll believe he's coming back.  because there's no way i could be this dumb over a dude that wasn't coming back in the name of loooove.  eventually he'll have an epiphany. he's just not ready.  but i must've read something in a previous post that made me decide (for the moment) that that part was dumb again. he aint coming back.  oh yeah...it was the part where i was thinking of responding to nate's imaginary text," nate, darling, i realize i'm ready for man who knows what he wants and knows what he's got."  where in that line do you see dustin?  nowhere.  fuck it.

life is a tragedy filled with joy.

what does wise woman say?  is he coming back?   i can imagine both.  the scenario where he has an epiphany and comes back and the one where i move on to bigger and better, if you will.  okay, to different.  because sadly, when i imagine the other, the him not coming back, and it just being over, no closure no nothing, i may have "better," but i dont feel as alive.  guess i've gotta work on my imagination some.  or try again when im not still feeling beat up.

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i wonder how it would feel to quit fighting my heart for the sake of "wisdom?"  it would feel scary im sure, invigorating also. to just be like a child.  silly, smiling, saying, i'm not worried.  but  i'm too afraid to do it.
to say with conviction....
i'll wait.  he's coming back.

i'm too proud, too afraid of being wrong.  part of me wants to do it though lately....and not because im so hurt that i believe he's coming back.  but just because i believe it is one of life's challenges for me soemtimes to stand up for what i believe.  even if i am completely unsupported.  or could be plain ol' stupidity.

i committed to 60 days. i should stick to that.