little by little i learn

i got the first longer than 30 seconds conversation on saturday.  during which he tells me he's not leaving the country.  great.

he loves my tattoo.  keeps thinking about it....

nate shows up at the market for a couple of hours.  we touch a lot.  having a crush on him makes me happy. he is a large reason why dustin's continued presence in this city does not scare me so much.

i go to a cooking class bridal shower the next day and eyeball the super cute chef.  hard.  we exchange numbers.  i feel like an incredible success.

nate and i go to a concert together that evening and i find him intriguing, charming, cute, sexy, good.  im getting nervous about my heart and dont know what to do about it.

i find myself wanting to talk to dustin about these other dates and how it is challenging me to open up again. i want to ask him how he feels when he is with other people.  if he ever thinks about why he and i were so great together.  if we really were this crazy, meant-to-be, perfectly-on-the-same page duo.  meant-to-be-for a short time, but meant-to-be nontheless. and perhaps other relationships may not have the initial ease that we did, but they could still have incredible power and beauty and longevity and depth.  by the initial ease i mean the perfect kisses, perfect touches, perfect looks, perfect words.  and i do mean PERFECT.  (definition: i would want them to be no different, completely and totally enjoyable).  nate and i sometimes have perfect kisses, and some of the affection is perfect, but often our kisses are just a little off.  for some reason it takes a sec to get in the right rhythm.  his touches on my face are often too firm for my taste, but i do like him touching me regardless.  i dont ever remember a kiss with dustin that didn't fit.  i dont remember a touch that didn't make my mind stop and my heart and body melt into his.  there were of course a couple mid-sex moments that were not my favorite, but cmon, he can't be THAT perfect.

 i guess my challenge to continue asking for what i need (i.e. "i like it when you...) without being afraid that person won't like me or they will get mad or leave me is still on the table, large and in charge.   maybe dustin was so perfect because my challenge at this stage of my life is to keep doing that, but relationships, and my heart, and sex are such tender sitations for me.  so in order to step out of my comfort zone and grow, i needed a nearly perfect, perceptive man for that.  at least to start.

the heartbroken aftermath was just an unavoidable residual effect.

so i guess i carry on.  continuing my practice with nate (and possibly chef JJ) to speak my mind and heart without fear. and to try my damndest not to fear the heartache again.