11:30 pm: just finished hot catering shift after a long hot day in the market. I am tired but not exhausted and actually would love to go meet with someone for a beer. I can think of no one who is available. I head home to housesit, yes, one block from dustins house. I try not to imagine how much I would love to go meet up with d and his friends, or snuggle up to him at home as he waits for me. These thoughts make me happy not sad, but I'm afraid they are wrong and will eventually make me sad. So I try to avoid them like they are dangerous. I try to feel as good as I've felt all week, where i wasnt just distracted or feeling positive, but I truly felt content and at ease about life as a whole. Do u know how dumb that just sounded to me? To try to manipulate and grip the peace that is greater than mind or emotion? Well I tried regardless.
11:50pm: t think, I just want to text him a see what he's doing. It's so nice out, I'd love to just shoot the shit. I then think," no u shouldn't. U were just thinking last night how u had no desire to see him. Not when u are feeling all complete. So if u want to see him, u must not be feeling complete a therefore dont do it." but man. Therein lies a particular battle of the season. I just instinctively want to do something, in this case just call a friend who lives down the street to just sit and enjoy the nice night, that when I tell myself it's wrong to do said thing I feel so confused, like I can't trust myself. And I may just go to bed to try to make the desire pass but it won't go away. I think I'll wake up the next morning not trusting life.
12:02 am: i text liz, "I want to text him Liz."
12:02-12:21: I continue the mental/heart struggle.
12:22 am: fuck it, I text him. "we are definitely neighbors, current. What are you doing? Are u home bored or out making friends and being social?"
12:23: i feel better just getting it out, doing what I wanted to do, the thing that didn't seem like a big deal until I told myself It was wrong. I am not panicking that he may not respond, frankly I dont even care. Just might as well throw ur friend an offer. If it were any other friend i wouldve. Seriously. I even feel like I can go to bed now. I just needed to get it out.
12:49 am: I have heard nothing and I promise I'm fine. I actually might not have wanted him to respond, ha, cuz then I'd have to see him and who knowwws what I'd feel then. I told u, we are connected, but not all anxiety-like. It's free flowing, like, hey wherever u are, no pressure. No expectations here. Ok, I for real still feel that. Ahhhh, sweet lord, I haven't lost all my peace yet.
Man. Tis the season of learning and spiritual development. I can feel it. Keep it up. It's all for my highest good.
11:50pm: t think, I just want to text him a see what he's doing. It's so nice out, I'd love to just shoot the shit. I then think," no u shouldn't. U were just thinking last night how u had no desire to see him. Not when u are feeling all complete. So if u want to see him, u must not be feeling complete a therefore dont do it." but man. Therein lies a particular battle of the season. I just instinctively want to do something, in this case just call a friend who lives down the street to just sit and enjoy the nice night, that when I tell myself it's wrong to do said thing I feel so confused, like I can't trust myself. And I may just go to bed to try to make the desire pass but it won't go away. I think I'll wake up the next morning not trusting life.
12:02 am: i text liz, "I want to text him Liz."
12:02-12:21: I continue the mental/heart struggle.
12:22 am: fuck it, I text him. "we are definitely neighbors, current. What are you doing? Are u home bored or out making friends and being social?"
12:23: i feel better just getting it out, doing what I wanted to do, the thing that didn't seem like a big deal until I told myself It was wrong. I am not panicking that he may not respond, frankly I dont even care. Just might as well throw ur friend an offer. If it were any other friend i wouldve. Seriously. I even feel like I can go to bed now. I just needed to get it out.
12:49 am: I have heard nothing and I promise I'm fine. I actually might not have wanted him to respond, ha, cuz then I'd have to see him and who knowwws what I'd feel then. I told u, we are connected, but not all anxiety-like. It's free flowing, like, hey wherever u are, no pressure. No expectations here. Ok, I for real still feel that. Ahhhh, sweet lord, I haven't lost all my peace yet.
Man. Tis the season of learning and spiritual development. I can feel it. Keep it up. It's all for my highest good.
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