oh baby

i love also that nate "broke up" with me and i haven't written a damn thing about it.

i stillll have not gotten my period.  (i halfway want to send nate a picture of my period tracker that loudly, in bright pink and green, says that i am 10 days late....but i wouldn't cuz that's whoa, teenage drama).  what makes me a little more nervous about this is that both shannon and cassie are excited at the thought that i actually might be pregnant.  it makes me nervous that for a moment, i was, too.  i did get some birth control, though, if said period does ever happen.  today i told shannon this. it went like this.

me: i did get some birth control.  it's like 30 bucks a month though.  that's dumb

shan: pretty sure kids are like $3000 a month.

me: ha. good point.  im just saying, it's dumb to be paying $30 a month if im not having sex right now.

shan: yeah but you're still getting drunk.

me: ha. good point again.

i actually really hope and dont think im pregnant.  but i LOVE that my friends are so beautiful and amazing and supportive. seriously.  cassie and shannon's responses to the possibility (excitement, shannon wondering tpo herself if i would find out the sex beforehand, cassie saying that what she said freshman still stands (we could raise it together in our dorm room)) show me again why they are my people.
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i thought the other day that i might be okay with dating a smoker because it makes me feel less like i have to be less perfect.
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my phone beeped last night that i had a text message and i wondered if it might be nate.  my imaginary response to his imaginary text was, "nate.  darling.  i realize im ready for man who knows what he wants and knows what he's got.  you dont need to keep texting me, ok?"  if i get a real text from him, i do believe i will actually say this.

remember? i am THE prize.  i keep forgetting....
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i hate that during our very first phone conversation only three weeks after we basically met you said to me, "you're not going to be able to do it, nicole.  you're a romantic.  you're not just gonna be able to sleep with anyone who has a good line and a smile.  you're not built that way.  i know that's not very "casual" of me to say, but it's true."  and i hate that you're probably half/more than half right.

and i hate this:

me: awww, nate.  this sucks (smiling, half embarassed, half as if im telling a funny story). i hate that the last time we hooked up i was kind of embarassed.  and now it's done and im gonna keep thinking of that.

nate:  ohh, you wont be embarassed with you?  will you be embarassed?  dont be embarssed.

me: yeah. probably.  yeah.  for  a bit.  but i'll get over it.

nate: silence.

change scenery....

me:  (sheepish smile, eyes hidden, slowed in the act).  im sorry.  i think i just get....embarassed...

you:  whooooa.  come here. (you pull me up to look in my face).  embarassed?  no way.  do you even...know...like...this (gesturing to me and my body, my face, my person) and you and everything you are....is....(shaking your head).  there is just NO place for embarssement at all.  ok?  ok?  there's just not.  come over here....

i hate that you still win, another situation, yet again.  and that right now my heart is too tender to go out and try to find someone else to try to beat you.

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i love that today i spoke candidly and honestly to my mother about what happened with nate.  so yes, i told her i slept with him on her birthday.  and that he felt guilty about it and i didn't.  ok, i didn't tell her that i was embarassed cuz i pulled his penis too roughly the last time we hooked up, but other than that i was pretty candid. and she is, as always, amazing.  i hope it doesn't make her uncomfortable and now she's like, oh lord, what did i do telling my daughter to have more sex?? ha.