been a while eh?  and i feel like there's actually been a lot i wanted to write about but have been having a hard time focusing on work and when im actually sitting AT work looking at this computer,. writing, instead of doing actual WORK i feel a little too guilty sometimes.

but it's been a while and im not focusing anyway and want to write about why in hopes of letting it go and getting back to work.

got overwhelmed all of a sudden.  tom handed me a fucking "proposal" for a raise.  which is great.  he deserves one.  i was thinking about it anyway.  and it was very well written. but for some reason i got tense in my neck and shoulders and started staring straight ahead.  getting angry.  wanting to look suddenly at dustin's fb page to distract me and/or eat some of the trail mix in the corner.  thoughts saying things like, "see, here it is.  as soon as you get ahead money goes out the door. you are never going to catch up.  you will always be struggling.  you'll never be able to figure out how to make more money in this business or you will at least never be motivated enough to do it.  and even if you do know how and are motivated for whatever reason you will hate doing whatever it is that you have to do. and then someone will come in and ask you for more fucking money."

there's another trained thought that says, "let it go.  think about it tomorrow.  keep doing what you were doing.  who knows, things just may work out.  those thoughts may not be true."

i guess that's what im going to do now.  ugh.