shit

so i was looking thru my facebook messages for an address and see the name that makes my heart squeeze a little. unexpected, so it squeezed a little extra. apparently i hadn't deleted our fb message thread. so i read the message i wrote in response to his that said he was thinking of me, safe travels, etc. it says this:

· Oh dusty, of course u are thinking about me-it's our tues afternoon rendezvous time. :)  

Been thinking about u too of course and I'm happy to report I'm feeling good, back to my casual, confident self. Thank goodness! I don't think either of us were ready for anything more than casual (hence my hamster wheel freak outs, for which, by the way, I apologize...not just for their awkward nature but also if they implied mistrust), but I also don't think either of us were prepared to enjoy looking at each other all romantic like as much as we did. I wasn't anyway. Hard to not think about and try to hold on to a good feeling. But like I said, so many things to practice!  

It's good and probably about time for me to get back into focusing on the goodness anyway...though it was a fantastic break spent floating and daydreaming. 

Man, and I can't express how happy it made me yesterday to find myself thinking about our u and our casual experience and notice my cheeks hurting. Especially since I was not smiling a few days ago. Weird, sudden ending or not, this was good for me. You were good. Still super grateful. :)and that makes me happy. 

Thanks for the safe travel wishes....miss your face.
 

Nr


The thing that caught my attention about this is that i feel like its total bullshit and its a shame. yes, i was having a good day that day, but i sobbed my eyes out the day before. "i wasn't ready for anything more than casual.." ?? really? cuz right about now i would disagree. i guess im a little less angry at him for continuing to talk to me after i sent that email because yes, it does imply that i was fine. and casual. when i was fucking smitten and heartbroken. im sorry, d, for being prideful and trying to be strong.


my mind is currently trying to come up with reasons and justifications to make sure im not misreading this situation. to remember that there must have been other times that he should have known how i was feeling. like i felt like my actions made it clear that i was having a hard time. so he still should've left me alone. and he still doesn't want to be with me. but maybe i wasn't as clear as i thought. but i am going to wait out the urge to ask.


i dont want to. i want to reply to the facebook message right now and say
 

hey. i was looking for someone'd address in a FB message and saw your stupid name on a thread i apparently forgot to delete. so of course, i clicked on it. i reread what i wrote you on feb 7. as i read it all i could think was, wow. what bullshit. and i totally sound like i really dont care that much. but it was me trying to put a positive spin on things, trying to tell myself that i would be fine, cuz i probably thought i would be, and me trying to not be embarrased because i was devastated. i truly was in a good mood that day so i was feeling hopeful, but i had cried my eyes out the day before. and have cried my eyes out multiple days since. you and i could be a bad idea, headed toward disappointment, and i could be full of disillusionment. but after reading that i just wanted to apologize for my fear and pride. and i wanted to let you know that i think about you every fucking day and have employed every conceivable effort to make it stop. trust me. whether you think about me or not i guess it doesn't matter. just wanted to say im sorry for being too afraid to be honest....tho, like i've told you before regarding my desicions with nutty goodness...can't be too mad at myself because im always doing the best i can do at the time.

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i wont send it. but tears abound. the way i feel about this man is seriously baffling to me.