its true

i just miss you.

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when new losses come up, or things change, we are reminded of other things that we have also lost.  we may have already grieved the majority of the previous loss, but its like the new loss is scraping out allll the remnants of the old....to clear another layer.  so.  (purge on..)

as i get further away from my old life and my old company, you are coming up.  i had eight years with that company and now YOU are inextricably tied to it.  so hooray.  changes with the company means i think of you.  and i miss you.

you may talk shit to other people.  act a certain way.  pretend a certain way.  but again, i will refuse to believe that you weren't affected by me.  that i didn't stop you in your tracks a little bit.  that your defenses have to come up hard so you dont love me a little.

and good.  thats good!  you have someone to be loyal to.  and good!  because your disaffection keeps me from reaching out and thus keeps me moving forward with less attachments.  letting go tendril by slow tendril.

im glad.  but im sad.  its so hard to let go of people.  to need to feel disconnected.  i mean, we are all one, right?  so i know we should feel connected, but i dont.  and that's hard.  letting go is hard.

you are still there. in the back corners.  under my skin.  pressing, present.

ive consciously tried to separate.  and yet i come back.  neural patters have yet to be destroyed i see.

i am ready for a replacement.  for the neural fibers to disintegrate.  there was a moment when i thought it was gone.  that you were gone.  that you had morphed.  longer than a moment, even.  i dont know how you came back.

did you come back because i went back? did you come back because someone forced you to come back to me when my defenses were down? you made me angry and hurt and embarrassed again.  all of these things and i still feel like if i cross your mind you just wave it away.

so.  it is.  and its ok.

my friend said, "maybe you are just purging it all."  i like this.  you are in my dreams again every night because i am getting the last bit of you out of my fibers.  im also going to say thats whats happening with my perpetually broken out face.  purge, purge, purge.  i permit, i allow, i welcome.  i welcome the pain, the memories, the disappointment, the confusion.

i just sit with it.  this is all perfect.  this life, the musings, the confusion.  there's no where to get.  no one to be.  no way to perform even.  we just are.  it is.

perfect.

i love you.