accepting what is

what is:

i feel as though i have been broken up with.  i feel slow, sad, unmotivated, in a daze.  as if something completely devastating has happened and i have no energy to think or motivate myself to be positive.

nothing devastating has happened so i am confused.

it is sometimes easier to accept the reality of your situation than your emotions about the situation.

i saw dustin couple of weeks ago.  we talked for 3 hours.  i said everything i have ever wanted to say and asked (most) everything i ever wanted to ask.  he enlightened me.  i left and felt exhilarated and sad at the same time.  because when he lets his guard down i get to see him.  and i love him still.  so i am so grateful that i got the opportunity to see him and be with him but it is so sad and confusing and disappointing to look at someone and love them like that and then...nothing.  he wont call. (probably.)  he's not coming back.  (i dont think...but maybe.)  so what is the point of feeling this way about someone if you dont get to live in that feeling?  and express it and share it?  it is so frustrating to me.  because i feel as though those feelings should not exist without reason.  especially as an adult.

i try to be realistic and optimistic about us at the same time.  this is a struggle for me.  i did run into him two days later twenty minutes after he texted me, "saturday was good, nicole. have a happy day." i thanked him for the talk.  and then texted after he left, "just let me know when you're ready for me to stop dating other people."  i got a jumbo smiley face in return.

so fuck, im trying to wait.  trying to believe he's coming back.  cuz i want to believe!  but i also told liz i thought he would text me 2 weeks after our meeting and then something magical, dustin related or not, mostly just heart related, would happen by christmas.  and the two week period ended yesterday.  no word from my love.  so i then doubt my intution.  doubt myself. 

there are two opposing feelings.  the one that comes from the encouraging universe that says, keep your head up little girl, give it just a little longer, he's coming back.  stop worrying!  that one actually makes me happy.  makes me want to quit worrying.  and you, know, even if he didn't, and something else lovely came up for me, at least i wouldn't have spent the time worrying.  the other is the parent-type universe that is looking at me like, poor kid doesn't know what's good for her.  she is pining after this thing that is so not good for her.  like a kid who wants candy bars for breakfast. and it's so clear he's not coming back.  why doesn't she see it?  its doing her no good to keep waiting for him.  i wish she would let this go. 

but what's wrong with using unrealistic optimism to bring peace in the moment?  i suppose the downside is obvious right now.  when it doesn't work out you feel as though something devastating has happened and you cant get motivated to do anything.

someone just come get me.  come romance me and let's look in each other eyes so deeply we fly out into the abyss of la-la land and let it's perfection fuel us enough that we can handle anything in this world.  forever.

maybe im not even sad about dustin.  im just in a fuckin weird mood, depressed, quiet, stilled and stalled and im just trying to come up with a reason, so i blame my broken heart.  i have been known to be a meaning-making machine.

i want my person.

"i hope you never come my way again. i mean it and i feel this may be possible now since i am truly ready to let it go."

i wrote that in July.  and i meant it as far as i know.  i wonder why it wont go away.  how i have "let go" like three different times.  am i sabotaging my development somehow?  fuck that.  i do what i do and everything is perfect.  i am perfect.