ok, you can go. i guess

sobbed my eyes out AGAIN last night.  about the same shit.  but my mom is so wonderful.  seriously. nobody has comforted and helped like she has in this situation, mainly because she thinks, operates, heals, on a psychological level that i operate under as well.  she was able to relate.  granted, she was using a "break-up" with a couple of girlfriends to do so, but it worked.  she said some days she just can't believe it's over.  that they were friends for twenty years and she sent a birthday card and heard no response.  she said she's had to work thoughts about the relationship through multiple times over the last year.  she has asked herself what she would be getting from the relationship if she had it back.  decided she would have that experience of somebody really understanding her, the closeness, the comfort of just being yourself.  but she would also get the experience of someone not calling her when they were in town visiting, someone who always choses another friend over her, someone who acts like she's unreasonable for wanting/needing what she does out of the friendship.  and she says she doesn't really want a friendship like that.

so i asked myself what i would be getting if i had the relationship back.  first thought is him looking at me, touching my face.  i felt like he was crazy about me.  he made me feel like he loved me, whether i acknowledged that consciously at the time. i felt beautiful.  like he was intrigued and impressed.  and i was myself.  i did get that.  i got physical affection.  i got distraction.  i got to feel like nothing else mattered.  i got to dream and to feel like i didn't care about anything else but being close to him, learning about him.  i got to be in awe at how i could feel the way i felt.  and i fucking love that feeling SO much.  that's what i miss.

i also would get a relationship where the guy is not ready to say that i'm the coolest thing he's ever met, that he would do anything to be with me because he realizes what i am and how lucky he is.  i would also be with a guy who doesn't really go to church, smokes, believes he's going to get cancer and die early, has a family full of disorder, and goes out sometimes on a tuesday and gets hammered for no good reason.  who also makes me nervous sometimes that he might be manipulating a situation to get what he wants.  who has justified his reasoning somehow and his actions might be hurting someone else.  someone who uses his confidence and intuition to make people feel loved but never really lets his guard down to let people in because he's afraid.

somebody who would leave me at my house when i was hurting and clearly didn't want him to go.  that right there is not what i want.  i want a man who will not leave.  whose heart loves me so much that he could not look at my face and into my heart and know he was hurting me and do it anyway.

i went to sleep exhausted, needing jesus to hold me and rock me to sleep.  to be enough.  for it to be okay that i was too tired to "work it out" in my mind.  i woke up with at least a small amount of faith that i WILL feel that way again.  i dont necessarily want him, i just want the feeling. so if i believe that god has good things for my future, that i will feel that feeling again with someone else, then i dont need to hold on to dustin specifically.  he was just a vehicle for this short season.  we hold on to people because they are concrete, our experiences with them are concrete.  i KNOW i can feel that way with him.  i dont know about anyone else.  when, where, how.  but i do know god is good.  and life is good.  so im letting go in faith.  with reluctance, yes, but im letting go. one fiber at a time...

it's not you, it's me.  and its my heart.  it will come alive again without you.  we cannot fathom the depth of experience god can give us here.  i'll hold that today.