i miss you every day.  some more than others.  i hate you today. because i love you.  i have no idea why. seeing you yesterday was literally an answered prayer from 30 minutes prior.  i wanted to be able to stare at you, watch you for a while. and i got to through lane's window, like a total creeper.  and i wanted to talk to you, be with you, have one more day with you. and i got to look in your eyes.  but see, i wanted to stare at you and talk to you and be turned off.  be nudged further in the direction of getting over you.  but the opposite happened.  i thought you were beautiful.  i love your face.  i love your eyes, your mouth, your stories, your body, your smell, your white shoes, your faint cigarette breath.  and loving you felt good for a minute.  really good, like validation for the amount that i have missed you. i felt my soul let out a huge relief sigh. 

and then.  you left.  like you always do.  and my heart breaks and you slap my face all over again, telling me you don't feel what i feel.

you are selfish.  you didn't know anyone else at the party really so you talked to me to keep busy.  you didn't talk to me because you wanted to talk to me.  and that is so incredibly selfish, given that i have recently bared my heart to you in asking you to leave me alone. BE BETTER.  be stronger. next time dont tell me you are respecting me, actually fucking respect me. and leave the party.  because i want to talk to you so badly that if you give me to opportunity i will take it like a weak, weak girl.  my strength only goes so far.  im an addict and once i start i can't stop.  you give me a taste, turn my soul on, and then walk away and leave me to console myself and put the pieces of my heart back together.


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the version i might actually send:

i dont know why you stopped me yesterday to talk to you.  i have theories, most of them are rooted in selfishness.  yes it is awkward to be at the same party. but you get to me, dustin, and you fucking know it.  so i dont care what the reason, if i send you a message saying that it hurts me to talk to you so please leave me alone, dont just tell me you are respecting me and my wishes, actually respect them.  you know i will stop and talk to you if you give me the opportunity, because im wonderfully loving and nice. and also because i miss you and i acually really do want to talk to you.  but it's not good for me.  because you leave me standing there.  every fucking time and you are fine and i am shaken.  and i know you know this.  so actually respecting me would mean you do not talk to me, even if it's awkward and even if you want to.  you.  are.  hurting.  me.  please stop.  let me move on.  i did not anticipate you would bother me this much but it is what it is.  when i'm fine, i'll let you know.  until then, unless you are contacting me to tell me that you are a dumbass, you miss me every day, and you want it back, i dont want to hear from you. be a man that's actually worth what my heart feels, and avoid me even.

starting now.

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2 days later, i will send no such thing.  i will commit to avoiding him for 60 days, praying that i will keep my hands open.  for my heart to release him in peace, to be still and breathe as the flow of life washes over me.  for me to not grip tightly god's gifts.  when i see him, when i get the urge to stare, lord, let me sit, take three deep breaths with my hands open and say, "i trust the process of life.  i release you in love. i am complete."  and hopefully i will conquer my fear that he will come to me and i will not be able to say no and i will be left shaken.  again.

i will not.  i am strong.  i am capable.  i am complete.