movement

Man what a weekend. An emotional one. Imagine that, eh?

I saw dustin Friday. I knew I would, I could feel it. I was hoping it, anyway, and of course, dually prepared to be disappointed. I saw him, hugged him, commented on his unshaven face, which I don’t like nearly as much as his bearded face. He says I look good, he’ll catch up with me later. no he wont. No he didn’t. I had the BEST time with my other company at the bar, laughing for six hours straight. Seriously, don’t know if I have ever laughed that long or that hard before, and my brothers and sister and I laugh A LOT. Anyway, this fantastic evening did not keep me from not being able to sleep for missing him. Wanting him. Wanting us back.

I sat on the piazza the next beautiful Saturday morning and painfully wished and wanted every
single person that came around the corner to be him. Then I cried like I needed to cry. Called my mother with sobs in my voice as she picked up cheerfully. She got the, “hi, moooom,” greeting, the one that probably breaks a mama’s heart. “awww, honeeeey,” was her response. She listened to me be honest about how badly I wanted to see him right then, how empty I felt, how disappointed I was. Grief is a crazy thing. You can hold it back or try to tame it, rationalize it, soften the heart squeezing with gentle logic, but sadness like that needs to be felt in order for it to move. We finally have to come to a place where we have no more juice to fight or rationalize the pain and we just let it be there. We quit judging it cuz we don’t even have the juice for that. And if we’re lucky we have someone amazing like my mother who will listen and just let us be in that place. Because THEN the magic happens.

It MOVES. Can’t explain it, can’t force it, you can’t even really make yourself feel the sadness in efforts to help it move. But if you genuinely feel it deeply, express it as you need to, and don’t judge it, it will move. No rules for how long you have to do that, or how many times, and how the gradual the move with be, but it will move. And hallelujah, mine is moving.

With my sadness came honesty and I did send him a message that morning telling him I would love to catch up sometime. He says, he prefers the any’s to the some’s. my response: when I said some I really meant like right then, and right now. A few messages ensue, but with enough time-space between them for me to continue working the grief through. so long story short, I see him Tuesday for 10 minutes. I ended up parking right near his work for a delivery and ask via texy if he, “wants to come outside and say hello to a cute blonde girl he used to know with a great ass.” Response: “phenomenal ass. Be right out.”

Im nervous but centered, feeling after all the grief im finally ready to accept and let it go. Let us go. He and we are not coming back. But that does not mean we can’t still look at each other with gratitude and remembrance for that amazing season we had together, even if getting back together is no longer an option at all. [ Sidebar: It probably never was for him, even though he said truly believed that the timing just wasn’t right and that maybe down the road we would end up together. I don’t believe he really meant it. He may have thought he did, but no.] that’s what I was hopeful for: looking at each other with respect, love, and fond memories, but no longer with hope. So my heart is pounding and im shaking a little. I ask whats been going on, he tells me lots of stories. I am excited for him, encouraging. As comfortable as I could be in the situation once he started talking. He seems sort of blah. Not excited about these things that are happening that I thought he would be stoked for. He hasn’t been working out, talked about being out of control at an oyster roast a couple of days before, and his teeth look like he’d been smoking a lot. Ha. I did not feel vulnerable. I felt observant. He seemed distant, which also could’ve been due to discomfort with the situation – I did defriend him recently, does he think I still want him so he’s trying to be distant, or, super girl analysis hopeful shit here, when he hugged me I kept it short and sweet and I felt for a second he was trying to nuzzle into my face like we always do…like we did when I ran into him on king street a while back and we hugged and comforted each other like we needed…the hug that says many words….i didnt do that this time so maybe he was bummed/noticed. So we talk 10 minutes and he doesn’t ask me one single question. Fine, but that contributed to the distance. To the awareness that we are not the same couple we were. We no longer have the same powerful connection.We are not on the same wavelength where we just love, accept, are present. I was feeling present,positive, centered, loving, okay with us being apart. He was….i don’t know…not the same. I decided, in honesty and humility, if thatcan be said here, that I/we/our connection brought out the best in him.

Surprisingly I felt good when I left. Not the same as before where I hate that we are not together and am sad that we are no longer the same. Just like, “okay. The magical place/wavelength we were on together before..im still there…he’s decided not to be there.” Not, “he’s decided he doesn’t love me,” just he decided he wants to hang out in the non-powerful place. So that’s ok.
And the fact that I felt okay about it made me feel GREAT about it. I’ve been not okay about it for too long, so this was a feeling accepted most joyously and gratefully.

Man it’s so weird tho. The last time we were together and we were talking honestly about what we had and how much we miss each other I was with the dustin I loved. Open, loving, honest, even if the truth hurt. And this guy is not the same. Does he really just change what he gives and how he’s acting based on the outcome he wants and suits him best at the moment? That’d be crazy. Cuz not enough has happened between us in the past month for him to go from our affectionate coffee shop meeting to the distant dustin he just was with authentic reason. I mean,
enough has happened for me, but he has no idea the shit my mind has put me thru for the past month. I suppose he could have met somebody else and that could do it.

Whatever. Great thing is I have (for today at least) quit thinking we will get back together. My mind never really thought that we would but my little tender heart hoped for it. Another good thing is we have opened doors of communication without so much pressure. The farmers market
reunion can or cannot happen and I am indifferent. I wont have been wondering what he’s been thinking all this time. I just assume he has not been, and im okay(ish) with that.

All these things are true, and I do feel like my heart and grief have shifted to a new place, but the crazy thing about hearts and connections is that there still is this little part of my heart that warms when I hear from him. That sighs like everything is going to be okay. My soul rests for a minute just having him near, even if it’s only a text message. A text message that still holds the reality that he does not miss me like I miss him. Today, it doesn’t even matter for some reason. Maybe because I don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking about us, I just don’t think he is, I can just miss him by myself and only miss him. Not miss and wonder. Thinking about him now and letting the memories of what I loved about him and us fill me from the inside and cover me from the outside doesn’t feel so dangerous. It feels comforting. Yes, I admit i feel like im succumbing to an addiction, but I need it. I need it right now. Just for a little while. I can only let go of so much at one time.