there are wonderful men who are crazy about me.  ben.  lane.  matthew.  whyyyy dont i want them.

hot drew just MIA'ed this evening.  awesome you fucking douche bag. 

the "chicken or the egg" question is making me feel like shit tonight:  does my intuition tell me to bail because these dudes are going to bail or does my freak out/insecurity make them bail?

i eyeballed drew monday.  he comes to yoga monday night and asks me out that eve.  he calls tues afternoon to schedule a time.  tues pm i sit at his bar.  wed morning we have breakfast.  he was going to ask me to go to greenville for thursday/fri/sat but after breakfast on wednesday when he said, "welllll what are you doing later?"  and my response was, is it normal for you to meet somebody and want to hang out with them so often in such a short period of time?" he decided not to.  he did, however, invite me to a concert, and i went.  had a good time.  we stayed at a hotel on isle of palms and had breakfast the next morning. (clothes on fyi.)

my thoughts during all of this were, hmm this guy is interesting, i like that he wants to hang out, yet i feel he will be all about it for a minute and then change his mind, so i'm not getting my hopes up. 

was i right or afraid?  and did my fear cause a chain reaction of insecurity in me and him?  and now he indeed falls of the face and i feel like i must have done something wrong.

awesome. 

angela says im not healed yet and therefore shouldn't be going out with anyone.  i totally agree at this point bc there was no reason for me to be insecure about whether or not this dude was gonna call.  he wasn't even funny.  but i was insecure.  which tells me my heart is a mess.  and that depresses me today. and if i didn't know bitterness wasn't a good thing, i would adopt it right about now, saying, "it's all bullshit.  no one will love you the way you want to be loved.  and you shouldn't need love anyway.  and apparently you are incapable of caring about someone without feeling all kinds of vulnerability and fear.  so no one will ever want to be with you."