hanging in there

still! im ok!

mom (and dad) helped break the pattern i think and im so so grateful.  im being cautious with my mind of course though.  mom explained to me that im such a loving person (thanks mom) that it's unnatural for me to shut him out, to be intentional about not texting, etc. because i want him to know he's loved.  even as a friend.  but, because he got to my heart somehow it's too tender and it's dangerous to do that.  so i need to protect my lil' heart in this case even tho she wants to be generous.  so im treating my heart and mind that way, with TLC, instead of harsh words like, "this shouldn't bother me, suck it up, you'll be fine, blah blah."  amanda, my roommate explained to me that since he is no longer texting me first and/or immediately after i communicate with him it is clear i am no longer on his radar.  he is special to me, but i am not longer special to him.  that, with its matter-of-fact-ness, strangely helps stop the obsessive thinking cycle before it can begin.  angela explained that the reason he was able to move on so quickly is because men can compartmentalize more than women can.  that also helps.  dad explained, with his fantastic humor, "the fact that he was a smoker doesn't bother me.  smokers aren't so bad.  it's the short thing that bothers me.  i'll have to be like, "Look at me in the chest when you're talking to me!"
my dad is funny.

alan came by the market also.  not to see me and he may not have even stopped had i not caught his eye but whatev.  he talked to my dad some.  i talked to his ex-long-term-girlfriend, frances.  i dont think i even said anything to my dad but he brough him up later and said, "that guy alan, he seems like a very nice young man.  from a man's perspective, i would like to hear something from you, like, "it was good to see you again today," so i know you're interested."  i told him how we have been interested in each other for 3+ years but our timing sucks and i think he still has a girlfriend.  dad said, "well he may, but he is either still interested in you or he's interested in me, and i'm pretty sure it's the former.  so i sent what he told me and dad put money on the fact that he would respond.  he did.  pretty sure i'd like to marry that guy. and if i actually when on a date with him or hung out with him outside of the farmers market at all i'd want to even more.  he's dangerous.  or my person. ha.

saw lane at church also.  we have plans now to go to a kick ass old-school r&b concert in june.  he loves me and would protect me in such a good godly sort of way.  he's just good.  i love him, too.  our conversation ended with him saying, yeah, so think about getting married, let me know. he jokes, but he doesn't.  i can't commit now.  never could.  yet his purity and his love makes relationships with these other boys feel so different.  inferior somehow.  why can't i commit to him?

ran into nate the day my parents left also.  hadn't seen him since the day after a drunken sleepover on st. patty's day and hadn't communicated two days after when i responded to his friendly text with, "i'm gonna be MIA for a while.  i don't need to be getting drunk and doing things like we did the other night.  i know that sounds bad, but, yeah."  so i show up at a birthday gathering with a group of christians and there he is.  we talked after dinner.  i told him i was sorry for freaking out in a very cool, charming, why-boys-like-me sorta way.  he said he'd like to go to spain with me when i go for a month.  i think he was serious.  we went back to his house to keep conversation going.  hung out on his roof under the stars and had great conversation until we decided to stop talking.  this time i haven't freaked out.  i mean, i did decide i needed to pray every morning this week about what god wants me to do with my heart/mind/hormones, but i didn't freak out. i rather enjoyed myself.

all of this, and i am still nervous about the market saturday.  will dustin bring breakfast?  if he does what will i say?  if he doesn't will i be sad?  but im reminded of one of my little email notes from "the universe" that said, "do not make decisions, nicole, until it is time to make them."  it is indeed not time.  i'll be fine. i love me. love life. love god. all is well in my world.