i dont trust me today

Im tired so i will not write much.

I smell like him.  the other one.  and it smells great.  and he smells great and he makes me happy and i love talking with him and snuggling with him and i actually really like being naked with him.  he treats me well, interests me and is interested in me.

i cant say hes my one.

and yesterday that was fine and today it wasn't.

and not even because i was thinking of the one.  ive actually felt quite over him.  like, what have you done for me lately/ever?  this guy is really trying and yet also really easy and what the FUCK have YOU done for me lately?? NOTHING.

so that's been really nice.

i told wern yesterday that i was really just happy.  and present and not worried....and i didn't want to worry about how things were going to pan out.  sean had told me to take care of myself, see him every day or not at all, and he was good with whatever i needed.  and that was great!  it made me invite his ass over for a sleepless, naked night.  but today i got weird.  i started to worry i guess. thought about stupid w.  why do i worry and WHY would i think about him? i worry about sean, his heart, my heart, if im doing something wrong, if we are building a relationship that is going to be harder to break.  and i worry about sex.  that i wont be in the mood, that it wont be good.  that we need to be careful because the sex is getting more personal and connected.

i hate that i get weird like this.

but then i can't decide if im supposed to get weird because maybe it needs to end or if im really just bad at being intimate with men.  either way i wish i didn't feel so wishy washy.

he was so sweet though tonight, letting me send him home and all.  he made my weirdness as painless as it could be i suppose.

again, i'll just go to sleep and pray everything will work itself out in the morning (in my head and real life).  ...and that he will say something great to calm me again tomorrow....and that i dont see the one at all this week.

settling

sometimes it feels nice to just think of him, to stare at things that remind me of him, and to just shamelessly, utterly, and simply love them.  To think, "he's just the love of my life."

no excuses.  no explaining.  just accepting.
------
------
i wanted the other in my bed tonight.  i missed him.

then, i thought, that's crazy.  you're just lonely. you miss your one, can't have your one and so you'll settle for the other.

that's probably true.

the thing is, i actually felt like i missed him.  and maybe i do a little.  but maybe we humans are just amazing balls of coping and adapting and searching and finding and readjusting.  and settling.

Hey

It was good to see you today.

it's always good though, really, even when it's not.

just a quick note to be clear with my words in case you cant read between the lines of all other forms of expression:

if things dont work out with your current situation, if something inside of you is screaming for something different.  and if that something different also feels true and deep and real, know that i am here hoping you will choose it.

im not saying i will always be here.  i wont wait around as some sort of back up plan.  but i am here right now. and i wanted you to know that you have been in my heart since the day i met you and im not sure why.

so i am sending this note.  but if that something isn't screaming, then all will be well with both of us and this is just a passing, interesting heart experience. and that is more than okay, too.

dont make me wait long for a response, even if it is a response that says you will think about it.  or you wont.

n

----
fascinating.

i now see why i love the good wife.  "the romance is one thing but life and a plan is another."

dreaming about him and us and feeling our "love" versus actually writing it out in an email is a completely different matter.  putting your money where you mouth is.

and i was like, um, im not ready to spend that money.  not even close. but how ballsy would it be if i was??

ha.

so much

has happened.

to say.

to wonder.

to let go.

------

i will write.  i will write.  i will write.

i have wanted to write all day.  to figure things out probably.  my mind is all over the place.  not in an anxious way per se.  but all over the place nonetheless.

-----

time with sean was really nice.  i appreciated him so much.  its amazing how different people can bring out different things in you.  i didn't feel i was being anything less than fully me, fully present, fully alive.  yet seeing how someone else can bring out/emphasize something different in me just 36 hours later shows how complex and beautiful we humans are.

-----

i am on the right track. i am.

i am moving forward.  i swear!
-----

am i trying to hold on?  WHAT part of me is trying to hold on?  i let it go!  i deleted the emails!  i slept with someone else! i gave my trust to the universe, to god, to life, to bring me more!  i believe it no longer servers me to hold on to the past!

but.

i let go and he comes to me.  subtly of course.  not begging.  hes not back. [what do i expect honestly? if you are really letting it go, dont hang out where he may be, how bout that?  but i like it there!  i dont go there to see him, i go there because i just dont have any desire to go anywhere else.  i swear its not about him!]

so we cross paths today.  after ive talked about sleeping with someone else who made me feel amazing - comfortable, light, fun, sexy, content.  SO genuinely and fully i felt and talked about these things. and i am open to the NEW, the future.  for the first time, not looking back.  but he walks in.  and i remember immediately.  no, i know immediately.  this is not even remembering.  

whoa.  That is a different story.  A MAN.  Whoa. 

and i hang up the phone call i just began and i talk to him.  and he's here.  he's present.  oh, sweet sweetness.  The one I love.  This presence that stole my heart so effortlessly.  when im in that presence, my time with sean feels surreal and frivolous and cheap.  though at the time i felt nothing of the sort!  but in the presence of my one, i feel i have settled.

but i havent!  i mean, how could that be?  sean is single, present, enamored, honest.  This one is here and gone and not mine.  

i cannot describe the contrasting, shifting feelings and the surprise that went with them.

-------

he said he would love to flip houses for a living.  doing the work himself, having less stress in his life.  my soul saw and felt our life together.  it was so natural to go there.

and then she sighed as she realized, nope.  not this time.  another lifetime, another place.

-------

bright side: my emotional body now very clearly knows the difference between appreciating/enjoying a person and being in love.

--------

when you fall in love with a person, like the way i am with him, where it doesn't make sense to the majority of my being, does it ever go away?

which brings me to another line of thinking: STOP.  stop stop stop.  When, Nicole, will you draw the line?  Stop hoping? I know you've let go of hoping for the past, for things to be romantic again.  Maybe now it's time to stop hoping that you can even be friends?  maybe you need to cut him out entirely.  just know that you are in love with him and it will not go away and therefore you must be strong and avoid avoid avoid.   

that makes me sad.

------

he uses my energy.  he doesn't fill me up. go away from him.  stand your ground.  boundaries.

every time i go out of town and am away from him i feel better.  more satisfied.  grateful.  [so that's great and all but how do you explain what happened today?  i mean, it makes sense that if i am grateful and happy and not seeing any problems with my life then i should just keep doing the thing that makes me feel that way.  and im all for that.  but then.  when i see him and i just fucking love him.  and feel like ohhhh thaaaat.  thaaat's what this is supposed to feel like.  that feeling makes it hard to think its right to just run away and live as if that feeling doesn't exist.  like im settling.  you know?  but maybe its just a trap.  a test.  an experience.

choose wisely.

____

i fantasized about having one magical night with him before i leave the country and we aren't careful and i get pregnant.  and i was HAPPY thinking about it.  even if we weren't together.  just having his baby made me happy in my fantasy.  like it justified our connection maybe.  i wasn't afraid of repercussions.  i wouldve been happy if it happened.

what makes that worse is that sean and i weren't exactly careful this weekend.  and ive already taken a shitload of vitamin c just in case.  i dont want to have his baby.  but this other one.  the married one.  who disappoints me over and over and over again.  i would.

so fucking weird.

-------

so should i stop going to bull street? really say goodbye? i guess maybe.

whats meant to be will be.

ill try to continue focusing on the new and fresh and my one who will make me feel like sean did AND how he does.

WHAT are you saying universe?
----

I will say it was nice today.  all this drama im writing about, yes its there a little.  but not like it was.  and i do just love him.  and appreciate him.  and like shannon said today, "just enjoy that hug."

what great perspective.  enjoy what you had with him.  be grateful.  and carry on.

also

just had another thought after reading an older post talking about how i missed him.

what do i miss?  what HIM do i miss?  i don't even know.  i dont even like the him that talks about sex and women and judges people and their lip hair.

etc.

what do i even like?  i instinctively want to change all of those things about him.  i feel they are fueled from insecurity so he just needs to work on that and quit being such an asshole.  but thats HIM.  when you love someone you love all of them, right?  you don't see their insecurities and want to change them.

shouldn't that be enough to make any desire and longing go away?

it'll always be him. (until its not him.)

he walked in today and i wasn't expecting him at all.  i wonder what my face looked like.

ended my phone call.  chatted.  was awkward.  thought, holy cow, we haven't been alone together in the evening for months.  is my dream really about to come true?

his body language didn't necessarily give me hope, not for this particular night at least, but with this occurrence of us randomly and unexpectedly being alone together did come a whisper from the universe reminding me that all all all things are possible.  keep dreaming, nicole.  about all things, i mean.

yes, yes, i realize this is a terribly irrational thing to dream about coming true.  hasn't the whole thing been irrational? um yes.  because i am through the throes, i can say it has been fun for me on one level to do and crave (over and over again) something that is bad for me, doesn't make sense, and will likely hurt me....and not give a fuck.  i almost always give a fuck.

again, irrational.

he's awkward.  we're awkward.  it reminded me of the days when we had first met and i would ask incessant questions to keep him from leaving.  i just wanted more.  tell me more!  keep talking.  please?  i wanted to do that today.  but it's almost like there has been too much. too much disappointment, confusion, desire, anger.  too much has happened, even though nothing more really happened, and i/we can't go back to just innocently asking questions and pretending its just friendly conversation.  he's made me so angry.  disappointed me.  I've missed him.  and not been able to tell him.  I've thought about him so much.  his presence affects me so much still after all of it.  actually maybe thats not why i couldn't ask the questions, couldn't act normal, like i care about him.  its probably because the "so much" that happened included him distancing himself from me, ignoring me, avoiding me.  so now that he is here, in my face, alone in the warehouse, just because there is space to act how i want to act, he has set a precedent, albeit a second one, that makes it difficult to try something new/old.

mix that with this strange feeling that i know him, that he knows me, that we actually love each other and you have a whole pile of awkward.

there are so many questions i have for him.  do you ever think about it? do you regret it?  do you wish it were different?  do you ever wish we'd slept together? does it feel uncomfortable when you see me?  can you tell how hard its been for me?  do you wish i wouldn't care about you so much? what do you think about me?  I'd love to know that one.  do you think i am a naive girl who can easily be manipulated into falling for a man who objectifies women on the regular?  do you hide your true self from me so that i will be infatuated with you?  or do you think I'm wonderful?

and then the other part speaks: you haven't really talked to him in months. who cares. let it go.

i try.  believe me.

it's almost over. its moving.

but that does't mean i didn't love seeing him in all his awkward.

Another drew?

I've had a crush on him for years.  off and on and nothing intense by any means.

he came around a couple of weeks ago and seemed to linger longer than he has for a while.  he then called and invited me to a wedding.  i was out of town.

so he came around this weekend again, said he'd call.  he did.  but we missed each other after efforts to meet up.

we decide to meet for beach time today.  he calls.  says he's hungover and gonna sweat it out and then call.  Three hours later he has not so i send him a message telling him I've made some plans, maybe another day.

maybe not.

I'm disappointed.  and if people weren't on their way over i might allow my emotions to well up and id cry.

i can mix feelings with "knowing" and logic and think/feel all these things at the same time.

fuck him.
this is why i didn't even want to offer to hang out or make myself available or fucking get excited about it. because i feel like he has done this like 5 times. and the most recent time i saw him i had no openness toward him...friendliness, yes, but the same openness, no.  because i had put it out there enough times and was over feeling rejected.
so then here he comes again.  i get my hopes up to spend my time with a beautiful interesting person and he doesn't even fucking call.
so stupid.

one month later i write again.

a reasonable part of me knows that my feelings and longings and sadness will go away soon enough.  it's not my brain trying to tell my heart that it will go away just to make it stop hurting.  it's just a calm, logical, truth it seems; someone or something new will come and i will fall in love again and it may last for a while or it may not.

it is a cycle.

and that is okay with me today.

Sometimes it is not and my heart sobs and doesn't understand why there must be such pain.  why things have to feel SO MUCH when they are just going to go away at some point anyway.  "what's the point?" she sighs, eyes swollen from crying, muscles tired from fighting, crumpled on the floor.

But today, it is okay.

-----
i miss you.  are you missing me?
-----

i got good news today.  The boys offered to let me be done earlier than expected because they don't want to hold me back from doing what i really want to be doing.  given that i often felt disrespected and not considered, this surprised me.  dont get me wrong, they didn't treat me poorly, i just happened to feel that way at times.  could've been in my head, could've been warranted, im still not sure.  regardless, their compassion and consideration of my feelings stunned me a bit and after i hung up the phone i cried.....for a while.

i cried out of relief. (wait, this is for real?  you really are going to take this burden from me?  they really are going to take my business and i wont have to worry about it anymore??!)  sometimes i dont realize how much i want something until it is given to me.  how hard i have been holding on, holding my head high, staying positive, manning it on my own.  how much my soul just wants a fucking break but i never really fully tell myself that i need or deserve one.  instead i say, "you're just an anxious person. it's probably not that bad.  you probably complain too much.  if you would just __________ then this wouldnt be so bad." but this relief washed in so quickly that no thoughts had time to come in and steal my deservability or discourage my desire.

i cried because im a little afraid.  of whats next.  of getting what i want and then not knowing what to do. of what people think.  and of that coming into my next venture.

i cried because it's over.  nutty.  it's really over and im moving on.  and that is good, and it is sad.

i cried because this means he is over.  and it is over.  (i dont even like typing that part.  i actually just tried to delete it...)

i am relieved.  but in the first 3 seconds after i hung up the phone when i felt all these emotions firing in succession, i did not feel relief.  i only felt sad.  and i pictured his face and him walking in and fucking up my world every.single.time. and me laying on the couch happily getting his text messages and me crying and trying and hurting and faking and....understanding.  and i am sad.  and i miss him.


 i counted down the days waiting for Dustin to leave.  and then he did and i thought, "okay.  i dont have to see him anymore! wait....shit.  i dont get to see him anymore?"  and it sucked.  it was a horribly long, emotional day and got hammered and could hardly get a hold of myself.  here we are now, nearly a year later and we talk more and are better friends than we ever were before.  that still amazes me every time i think about it.  but even though i have this little miracle under my belt, i still have a hard time believing W and i would ever end up the same way.  but i do suppose anything is possible...


i can hear shannon's voice saying, "rager, i just cant wait to meet your man.  he's going to be so much better than this one."  and my moms.  and my own.  i remember wanting dustin SO badly...hurting, confused, desperate at times.  and now there is no longing and i know it is best and i (love him dearly but still) feel i would have been settling.  so this does give me comfort and im sure what all these voices say is true.  but sometimes, i just want to miss him.  to long for him and be confused.  to honor the inexplicable.  to know there is nothing wrong with my pain.

i fell in love with someone who i could never have and i was in a vulnerable situation with him for almost a year.  that is painful and shitty and sad.  and today, i will have compassion on my heart.

feel whatever you feel.  i am here.  i am so sorry.   and i love you.  you are perfect and you dont have to keep telling yourself that everything will be okay.  just feel what you feel. 

that is enough.

tempted to read what i wrote last but i will not.

i will write here and now.

do i write mostly when i love or when i hate?  when i am confused or confident?

duh, for sure confused.  the other im not sure.

today, today, today.

him, him, him.

i have never had a such a person throw off my emotions so. dustin broke my heart, spun my emotions for sure, but this one.  man.  

i believe it is the whole situation as well.  i cant really get grounded because everything is changing.  things are scary.  i am stepping out into what is my greater potential.  theres extra power and trepidation in that as well.

doubt.

fear.

insecurity.

lust.

shame.

love.

passion.

confusion.

will.

faith.

calm.

and the inexplicable.

spending time alone in nova scotia was incredible.  strengthened my connection to my inner voice(s).  They talked about him a lot. wondered if im nuts.  when im gonna get over it.  if hes a total douchebag in real life and what that makes me.  if he thinks im ridiculous.  and if he thinks im ridiculous bc he secretly loves me or if he thinks im ridiculous bc i am. 

so i wondered.  and i worked on letting it go.  and i did great.  

today i drew a card. LOVE.  it said, "love is in everyone and can shift any situation."  i tried to think of him that way today as i prepared for our meeting.

so here he comes.  and he is the way i like him.  where i know he fucking loves me. where he'd touch me if he could.  we'd talk about anything else if we could.  we'd lock the door and pretend no one else exists.

 (already my mind is trying to say i am making this up.  that i read too much into things.  and THIS is why i am writing today. because i refuse to do that.)

I know.  i just know.  i. just. know.

It is difficult.  it will never happen.  but regardless of the way he treats me, or how busy he is, or what it triggers in me, it is not because there is something wrong with me.  it will never be that.

nicole, it will never be that.  

he loves you, he cannot help it.  just like you cant.  it is powerful and inexplicable and frustrating and confusing and too much.  for him and probably also for you.

but it is.  just know.

and know its okay.

without function

create for the purpose of creating. let go of function.  crossing things off the list.  loosen your grip.

so i try.

my feelings have been different the past few. 

i suppose "analyzing less" is congruent with "creating to create"....

i am not childishly angry.  you know, the kind of angry you get where you are mostly just hurt and disappointed.  i have been this before...where i was trying to stop thinking about him and thought the anger would help.  now i am more i-just-really-dont-have-space-for-you-in-my-life angry.  annoyed is actually a more appropriate emotion.  or indifferent.  mostly annoyed.  because i have to continue working with him and i dont think hes done a great job making this transition thing easy for me.  not me personally but me as the person he bought the business from. i think he's selfish and i've accommodated him.  and i just dont respect him anymore.  he hasn't even done anything new or different.  i just thought/felt today after he sent me an email response to only one of the two questions i asked him that he is self serving and inconsiderate and im really fucking annoyed that i have to teach him how to run my business.  my shoulder tensed up for the first time when i read his email.  it was a subtle feeling, but today for the first time i felt like it was his fault this happened. in other words, it doesn't happen because of  my emotional injuries or inadequacies or misperceptions or faulty intentions.  its cuz he fucking sucks.  and i'd really like to never see him again.

create to create.  

i hope its all good.  maybe i'll get done with nutty sooner rather than later and then i can close the door completely and move on.  but i wanted it to be a happy, feel good departure.  maybe it just cant be that way.  as i've seen, when things are going really smoothly i tend to feel like maybe i could find a role or at least a financial kickback from the business somehow so i am, in essence, still holding on.  so maybe it just has to be a "good riddance!" sort of thing in order for me to fully let it go.  i'll tell my baby i love her and wish her luck and know she will be just fine in the hands of these men (even though i currently feel like these men dont really give a shit about her).  Maybe baby nutty and i can have a proper goodbye and she says shes strong and she will show the men whats up. she's grown.  she can handle herself.  and if they dont treat her right, she will leave them.

maybe.

but shit.  i mean, yes nutty is my business but its also just a fruit and nut bar.  and if it doesn't go on it doesn't go on.  that business was ME as much as it was nutty.  and IM not disappearing im just relocating.  IM not really going anywhere in that sense.  so maybe its okay to quit trying to be so sentimental about the thing.  quit trying so damn hard period.

--------

i have no real reason to act or be angry at W the next time i see him.  im just over it.  over him.  in every aspect.  

over the longing.  the hurt.  the disappointment.  the confusion and awkwardness and embarrassment.  i want to end this whole fucking fantasy fiasco before it has any more weightiness as i go about my life and my city. i dont want to look at a fancy downtown home, or see a socially prominent person and think of them.  i dont want them on a goddamn pedestal.  i dont want to fucking hear his or her name ever again, frankly.  and i honestly dont know why i would.  two completely different worlds, remember?

dont know why im so angry today. im not going to give potential reasons because i'm creating to create, remember?

i cant believe i gave him so much time and energy.  i know i couldnt help it, it just was.  but today it feels annoying and bizarre.

im tired.

i dont know if i will ever understand the thing that happens in my heart after he walks away.

the pain.

i dont understand what the pain is even about.  where did it come from?  how did it get there?  why does it stay?

it and he and we SERIOUSLY dont make sense.

i feel my love is not justified.  but my love is.

today i wanted to say this: does your heart ever feel like we belong together and yet we are not? and therefore do you feel the pain that i feel?  the kind whose definition and description is elusive and yet very, very clear?

-------
again i drink. and distract.  and know and hope.  and am okay.

Space. Again.

Today I actively tried to come up with a reason/excuse/means to AVOID seeing him tomorrow.

I think this is the very first time I have done this.

And when I prayed for a way and got an answer within a few hours I was (and am still) elated.

Pretty sure this means things are looking up up up!!

Haven't seen him in 10 days (not that I'm counting) ...ugh I was going to write more about it but then I got disgusted that I'm writing about it.  And that I sort of counted.

So nevermind.

Things are up, I'm up, and I'm waiting for my tattoo sleeved business man.

Come to me, baby.

Open

I could stare at you forever. Even just a photo. Your face, I love it, it pulls me. My hands feel like they used to know your face.

I can't hep but love you for helping me accomplish my dream. For giving me my dream even though it's too much work. It might not pay off. And it's a difficult emotional situation.  You are taking my baby from me and giving her all the things I wanted to provide but couldn't. I hope you will fight for her. I believe you will.

How could I not love you just for that?

Throw those eyes, your smell, your voice, your mind, your energy, your sexuality and passion in top of that and, well. Game over.

-----
I'm trying to be open to the new. And not dwell on you. I really am.

But maybe I don't have to.  I mean you came in like a roaring train to make lane vaporize into thin air and I'm pretty sure I wasn't actively trying to be open and manifest you.  You were not a conscious choice.

My higher self must be immensely grander than I thought.

Today I followed my heart.

I felt good about it.

Then I shared what I shared with other people who know and love my heart and they did not feel (or seem to feel) as good about it as I did.

After following my heart I felt relief and pride at my bravery.

When my pals responded with skepticism and "are you done with that now? And "be careful with how vulnerable you make yourself around people who don't care" I could feel the fear and self doubt creeping in.  Afraid I made a terrible mistake. Afraid he will avoid me now. Afraid he's going to be uncomfortable. Afraid I did something wrong wrong wrong.

Had to call for reinforcements (which part of me sees as weak but whatever).

I just want to say it.

I did what I needed to do for me. I did the RIGHT thing. The perfect thing. My emotions aren't something to be embarassed about or to fix or figure out why they're wrong. They are my tool. To tell me something. And I can respond to them, listen to them, HONOR them.  The elephant needed to be talked about and we will be better for it.  He will honor me.  We are more than fine. He knows I  strong and I and we can handle it.

Best day.

Man. Seriously, the best.

Today was my complete and utter happy place.  My natural personality and my ADD got to just be exactly as they are and do exatly what they wanted to do.  All day long. 

I slept in.

(But not too late.)

Watched tv with Wern.

(Wimbledon. First time ever. She taught me how the scoring works, what the big tournaments are, what a slice and pass are, how Roger Federer revolutionized the game and we cheered cheered cheered as he almoooost came back and won what would've be his 18th "Grand Slam" win.  I have wanted to understand/care about at least one of these big sporting events for a long time. Wern's physical attraction/love for our boy Roger made this possible today. )

Got in my car and drove down the street just to get a latte to enjoy during my Wimbledon lesson. 

Later told mom id have to call her back because "I was in the middle of watching a routine on 'So You Think You Can Dance' and it was really emotional."

(I actually did start crying when the routine was over. Wern promptly started laughing at me and then proceeded to encourage and comfort me perfectly after I told her the reason I was crying was bc it reminded me of my "situation" in which I was currently feeling embarassed for thinking that my feelings meant anything compared to someone who has been in a relationship for 10 years. Seriously, she said just what I needed to hear and the dance was just the right trigger to get it all out. Girlfriends are a gift from god.)

Cleaned my car, my kitchen, bought multiple miscellaneous items I have been wanting to purchase for years.

(Blender, toaster, new shower caddy, fancy shampoo someone posted about on instagram, etc.)

Recaulked my shower and kitchen countertops.

(Also at least a year and a half overdue.)

Read alllll about delta's silver medallion status and learned super sneaky tricks of the frequent flier trade. 

Worked out like a badass.

(With my butt cheeks maybe slightly visible to my neighbors and without giving a fuck.)

Danced and had the best orgasm in the shower because Chris Brown was blaring so loud from my portable speaker that I just couldn't help myself.

(My glutes will be sore tomorrow and I will not be sure if it is due to my badass workout or Chris Brown singing about fuckin till we get it right...)

Had a last minute gift idea for the birthday party I last minute decided to go to and was able to dig the beautiful gift right out of my back yard.

(She will love it....when she sobers up....if she remembers I gave it to her.)

I drank a beer on the way to the party with no shame.

(My love for my road sodas is one of my favorite things about me. I don't know why.)

I got a shot of Jameson, slice of sweet potato pie, cornhole win, and a "wow, no way you are 31" within 30 minutes of arriving at said party. 

I easily and confidently (and yet kindly and lovingly) told a guy with whom id had considerable witty banter that no, I did not want to "get his number" because I was pretty sure we wouldn't work. "Okay, take it easy," he said. 

I talked to Angela and Lizzie, both while checking out incredible #skyporn (thank you Genevieve) and tell them with deep authenticity how proud I was of them. 

Now I sit here, typing away, feeling sexy and beautiful in my striped tight skirt and hipster tank. Today, today, today. I needed this so badly. 

I am new and powerful and happy. 

I am alive. 

Space

Again I will say that space is good.  It really only takes a few days.

I had a feeling to do a quick photo stalk today. So I did. Probably because I was feeling distant and that means I am both curious and more stable. What I saw was an anniversary photo and a "ten years later, I love you."

Sweet. Really it is.

Its so funny how technology these days can change things. I can see what their friends are saying. Supporting encouraging words, etc. It makes them more real and us more unreal.

I feel it going away.

Have I felt it going away before?

I can't wait til it's over.  Til the new year and I'm gone and the space gets me overrrr the hump. The hump is a pile of fear and unforeseen circumstances. Uncontrollable emotional responses. Longing. Delusion. Distraction.

Funny thing. Today I really wonder how much of this my higher self and I made up to teach me some lesson(s).  If they are even involved really.  This might be totally my story. My spiral. Me, alone whirling under the waves, getting knocked around, shaped, confused, but waiting, trusting, and coming out of the water with new eyes. Me and god learning each other. And they are just at a dinner party with their fabulous 10-year-long other-world friends.  Drinking expensive wine. Laughing at inside jokes. Feeding their cute little dog.

Having no idea I exist, let alone of my emotional involvement with their emotional involvement.

It's really quite disturbing.

This morning I woke up thinking, "This has gone on long enough. It's time to let it go. "

Soon?

I didn't think about you much today.

Thought I saw you. Was so happy. Wasn't you. My hands trembled in the wake.

It doesn't feel fun at first but likely it's better in the long run when I feel my love stories about you aren't humored by the majority of my company.  It's nice to feel embarassed without having to feel judged.

Nice is a strange word there, I realize, but it's true.

I must be ready to love. Ready to share my heart. And you are just the closest I've got.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I can't wait to see how this pans out. (I.e. How and when you will leave my heart and mind. )

----

Today I actually feel a little silly about it all.

Dustin helped me get over Lane. Then Lane helped me get over Dustin. Then He helped me get over Lane and Dustin and Nate and Jay and all of them.

I wonder who will help me get over him. Or if that's even required. It seems so. And maybe that's okay. That there's a natural longing in the heart that will fill itself with something no matter what. Either love or heartache or fantasies or crushes or analyzing the emotion of all of the above. Is there something else I can fill it with besides romantic love or hopes and dreams of that future? Like career accomplishments, travel, other self growth? I will definitely continue trying...

I read back about Dustin last night and this morning. The pain that one can suffer while another does not fascinates me. I often referenced our deep connection... that he must "feel what I feel." Well we now are in a wonderful place in our relationship where we are able to express our love and respect for each other without that strong romantic longing (or lack of).  It is one of the things in my life that I am so awed by and grateful for.  So I guess it validates that connection I always spoke of, and gives me hope that I will one day feel the same validation regarding W.  

And I try to just stop right there.  In a place of faith, trust, honoring myself and my heart. Just knowing that what I feel will happen (he will show up and we will somehow someday have closure/completeness) will happen. 

And why not? It's hard to stay there because the compulsion of my mind is to think, "you are making this up. You attribute way to many things/thoughts/feelings to him that simply aren't true." And why do I do this?  Maybe to protect myself. Because I'm a perfectionist and I want to make sure I'm right. I'm not embarrassing myself, etc.  

To be honest, the former feels like more of a spiritual challenge to do. Even though it also feels better in my heart. So I'll take that and do that and know that I chose my road less traveled. 

---------

Ps. Nutty Goodness is no longer Nicole's. :)

Furious. Irritated. Calm. In love. Sad.


I want to thank you for doing what you said you'd do. It's been a crazy few months, and I felt it could've gone either way, so I'm grateful.

I saw this and thought of you. And despite the mental voice that said (always says) I was being ridiculous for thinking you might want something I got for you, I want you to have it as I think it belongs on your desk. It's fluorite and is said to aid in decision making, connecting to spirit while maintaining groundedness, and also attracts abundance, success, peace and financial prosperity.  I also think it will remind you of me and whatever it is about me that you need and deserve more of in your life.  However that looks.

You are part of my heart and I cannot and will not explain it. I don't want anything from you at all [now that I have your money ;) ] i just want you to be happy and know that I'm crazy about you.

you.

oh man.  i really meant it when i said that space was good.  i felt it, i meant it.  i didn't want you to come home.

and then.

i realized you were coming home.

and i got excited.  man!  i couldn't fucking help it.  and i couldn't fucking believe it.  that about 4 hours into my monday i couldn't wait to text you.  i debated.  then let my caffeine buzz kick in and sent you my, "HELLO IM SO HAPPY YOURE HOME I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING I MISSED YOU DID YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME DID YOU MISS ME COME HERE NOW!" text. [it didn't say that of course.  the words read what they read - simple and easy and funny - but the energy said exactly what all those capital letters say.]

and i couldn't fucking believe it.  all i thought was, "dude.  im crazy.  how can this be?  i TRULY was happy he was gone.  and now i can't wait to see him.  am i so ready to get back into my addict misery of love and confusion and disappointment?  high and lows and hanging on by a thread?  no way.  but i could not help my delight.  it felt so real.  so true.  so loving. so natural.  and yet, so did my relief with him being far away.  i feel "me" in both senses.

i also couldn't fucking believe today. when i saw him.  well first, that i looked for him so habitually.  that i had to remind myself to focus on the people that were actually sitting in front of me.  that WANT to spend time with me.  that are present and choosing to be present with me.  the relationships that aren't complicated and intense dont cause a raucous.  i glanced at that window at nearly every person that walked by and all the many navy cars that drove by and tried to pretend, even say to myself, that i wasn't.  like i'd glance so quickly that i'd pretend it didn't happen...so if the person across from me would have asked if i was looking for someone i could say, no, i wasn't even looking.  i was saying that to my own inner viewer....no, i wasn't even looking.  that car did not specifically get my attention because it's blue, i just happened to glance.  seriously, no big deal.  i lied to myself for hours today.  and THEN.  right as i was leaving, there he is.  my love.  my crush.  the one who makes no sense. and makes all my senses go crazy.

i think it's no big deal. because i was excited to see him instead of dreading it because he's been ignoring me and i miss him or something.  and i come off completely cool i'm pretty sure.  im charming and real and confident and breezy.  and im not scared to tell him i missed him.  the only thing that gives away what he does to me is that my hands and legs immediately start shaking.  we're talkin uncontrollably.  even with deep breaths and focus on other people.  my whole legs shake.  visibly.  for A LONG TIME.  this has happened 100% of the times i have been in the same room with him.  isn't that wild?  is it because i have so much built up energy around him that when i see him and i try to control it my body just starts twitching? haha. seriously, it blows my mind.

anyway.

i still want more.  i want to hear about your trip.  i want like every detail (okay maybe not every detail...).  i want to know what you thought about, how you felt, how your time with the guys was, what you liked that you saw.  how it felt to not work out.  did you work much?  how does it feel to be home?  how's your shoulder?  are things going to slow down a bit for you now?  are you rejuvenated?  i want you to come to my home and lay in my bed with your head on my chest and let me ask you questions and you just talk.  talk and talk and talk and rest and be.  i just want you to be with me.  and then i'd like you to lose yourself in me and us as we make beautiful, sweet, dirty love.  i just want some time to be with you.

that's all.

i dont know why i feel differently today than i have for the past couple of months.  that i can want these things and the desire doesn't depress me.  doesnt overtake me.  and i dont feel insecure about myself and how you may be thinking and feeling about me.  it must just be in my head.  i feel secure in myself so its easier for me to say and believe what im about to say.  im going to type now without a filter.

come on, nicole, you can do it.

i know you want me.  i know you feel for me what i feel for you - intrigue, passion, draw.  you wish you didn't want it, you pretend you dont want it or that you're just physically attracted to me.  but you are drawn to my heart.  my lightness.  my love for you.  it helps you see yourself.  and it scares the shit out of you.  that you might be worth something.  might be worth loving exactly as you are.  not the you that you show to the world, but the you that is tender, that dreams like i dream of ease and love and connectedness and peace and freedom.  you feel that, and you love that and so you love me.  but i am impossible.  too different.  too unpredictable.  too challenging.  i would make you be someone very different from who you are used to being.  so you run.  you ignore.  and you pour yourself into your work and you pretend those are you priorities and your life IS how you want and THIS is what you choose and you drink and you pretend.  you pretend you aren't thinking about me.  you lie to yourself just like i was lying to myself today when i looked for you every four seconds.  but i am here.  i am not going away.  i will not run from you.  i will be here and i will look YOU in the face and challenge YOU to come out.  not that you have to be with me, or ever even will.  but i will not continue to pretend that i dont see what you are doing.  or that i am crazy and making things all up in my head.  i will show up.  i will look you in the eyes and tenderly encourage YOU to talk to me.  its just too hard for me to watch and experience otherwise.  i pray i am strong enough to continue challenging you with truth and love.

and i cant help but just want one day.  some lingering moments where its just you and me and whatever it is we have together.  no guilt, no shame, no negative repercussions on anyone.  i just want you.

#nofilter

its really hard for me not to add things like, "i know this is crazy but..." and a million other disclaimers or more logical, realistic statements.   but it also feels really good to let that part speak her truth.

------
if i could:

Subject: you and me

do you know "__  ________ _______" is one of my favorite things to see?  anywhere.  i dont know why.  i try to pretend it's just another name but i see it...in my email box, on a business card, end of an email, someone else's email, my text message screen... and it just gives me a little jolt.  makes me shake my head and sigh a tiny internal sigh.  the look of that name just does something to me.  i just want it.  i want you.  i want to know you.  i want to listen to you, talk to you, hold you.  hear your thoughts and opinions and dreams.  and share mine with you.  i want you to take them and hold them and support them.  and make me believe they are valued and we can do anything.  i want to be yours.  and i want to have the kind of passion that people only wish they had.  inexplicable.  palpable.  challenging.  fire-feeding.  comforting and consuming at the same time.  again, i dont know why.  i just do.  and i wanted you to know.  in case you dont already.


can't because:

"you can't send things like that.  people in movies send things like that.  and they are the babysitter who is delusional or the young woman who he really loves more but will never leave his family for.  and someone always finds it and shame shame shame on the girl who wrote that.  she is disrespectful or a home-wrecker or needy or just dreaming.  plus, every time you reach out to him lately he is nowhere to be found.  thus you will be spun into a dark hole of embarrassment after you send that and he does not feel the same way and therefore thinks you're crazy."

but:

i am not those things.  those things that i wrote are of my heart and soul.  they are true and beautiful and meant with only love.  and if he doesn't feel the same way then it doesn't really matter.

So:

maybe one day.

The Next Six Months

i want to say im writing a book.  i want to say it to speak it into existence.  but i dont want saying it to disrespect people who are real writers. i mean, i may not really write a book.  i just want to say i will because for some reason it gives me a sense of purpose.  a, "hey, why the fuck not?" mentality.  i like that mentality.

in actuality if i were really going to write a book i would probably have to have some [more] discipline and write like two three hours a day, give myself a deadline, etc.  i dont really plan to do all that.  and i kind of hate writing.  im not a horrible writer...like with papers, speeches, etc...but i hate starting.  and organizing.  but i'm going to pretend im good at that part when i say to myself and this blog and my friends that i might write a book.

so im going to write a book.  and it's going to be called "the next six months."  and it will be about transition and paradox and what it's like to live in this mind and what it's like to live out of this mind and what it's like to feel crazy and perfect and amazing at the same time.  to feel unworthy one minute and extremely capable the next.  to open up to the universe and see what it has for me.  this really does feel like an extremely important time in my life...and maybe one people wouldnt think to write about until after the fact.  so, on the urging of my friend's very new and wonderful husband, i am going to write a book and it's going to be called "The next six months."  who knows.

it's funny.  i think about angela and how she's a writer and she's working on her book right now.  and i feel a bit silly/copycatish saying im going to write a book.  but i dont think i am.  im just using it as an excuse to write more probably.  it's good for me.

---------
my emotions seemed to have calmed down.  i want to attribute this to some things but i also feel more and more like i dont really understand the complexity of the mind, the subconscious, human interactions, emotions, spiritual contracts, etc. so i dont really even know if attribution is necessary.  but in very simple understanding i might say this has to do with coming to agreement with the folks who are buying my business, spending five days with college friends who love and accept me in all my glory, and one of my certain spiritual contracts being out of the country.

i like space from him.  i really cant wait to be done with him.  im tired of feeling the pull on my heart and the tendency toward madness. the blur of confusion surrounding my desire to be love and the desire to protect myself and be wise with my energy.  i want to be done with nutty and done with him.  i say this with calm, mind you.  a few weeks ago i would have said it with sadness and desperation...and fear that he may not even be the reason i was feeling so off balance.  now that he has been gone and the nutty deal is almost closed and i feel the space and i feel what it has done for me and how my energy shifts (unpleasantly) when i realize he is coming back tonight, i know it will be good when it is over.  and that there is hope that i will return to homeostasis.  i just have to make it through the next six months.

and i will.  i am strong.  i know what i need.  i take care of myself.  the universe is opening for me.  i have been invited to play in the realm of my highest earthly potential and i have accepted the invitation.  i am ready to create new beliefs that fully support me and perhaps completely redefine me.  maybe it took the difficulty of these last three months (years) to get me to this place.  i will choose to believe that in order to believe that the universe is benevolent and release all anger and unforgiveness.

-----------

i miss you.

i feel centered and good and inspired.  lighter.  connected to myself and wanting to stand on my own two feet and share me.  i was surprised when i sat today feeling how i was feeling and then i wanted to share...with you.  and i could feel you so clearly in my mind and heart that you would be happy that i was happy.  that this me is the one that is so easy for you to love.  there is beauty in that becuase, well, this is my best me i think.  my favorite me.  and i'd love you to love her...to want me to be that person.  on the flip side, i am not always her.  and you abandoned me when i was not.  for whatever reasons you did so, you still left.  and i needed you.  or wanted you.  to not have you was so painful.  i tell myself it was crucial for my development.  must've been somehow.

i'm not sure what my lessons are here.

embrace all of your emotions.
practice strengthening all of your self-healing tools.
trust yourself and your heart.
always speak your truth. especially to yourself.
love even when it's not reciprocated.
practice protecting yourself even when your strongest desire is to pour out your heart.
business is business.
embrace your own gifts and let others have theirs.
have empathy for those who have been in similar situations to yours.
observe the mind and train it to do what works for you.
take a breath and just do the next right thing.
stand up for what you want despite the opinions of others, including the hater inside.
dont fall in love with someone who is unavailable just because you are lonely.
your gut may tell you something, and you can go against it and it may work out, but it wont be fun.
give your energy to people who support and love you truly.

-------------------

i had a thought this morning.  it wasn't the first time:  he will come back.  we will have reconciliation of some sort - a connection, an agreement/understanding, something.  he has to.  i just need to be patient.  it will come.

this reconciliation would validate me, see.  i guess.  but what would come of it?  we still wont be together.  we're not even meant to be together.  i just want to know that he has had some feelings about this whole thing.  that he has missed me.  that it has been challenging.  that would validate me and make me feel less weak.  like it was a MUTUAL challenge.  like a big energetic soul deal and that's why i went so bonkers.  if he doesn't validate me it just embarrasses me for some reason because i couldn't get it together.

i guess i should come to terms with that.  love myself anyway.  forgive myself for falling in love with someone who was only interested in me for 10 minutes.  yikes. wish me luck with that, she said in a sarcastic tone.

So many things I want to say.

I'm mad that I can't let go. Or that I haven't yet. It feels like a choice and there's a part of me that is choosing to stay stuck. This embarrasses me. (But why do that? Why not love yourself as you are instead? Love yourself no matter your emotions.).

I'm sure I will get over it soon enough. And I will look back and be amazed how things can change.

I wonder if this has been hard for him. I wonder if part of him loves me. I don't know what difference that makes. We humans. Wanting to be loved. Wanting to feel "enough."

What an amazing situation. Eight years of my life given to my business and now it finally changes. Dream coming true. I've sold my business. To someone I half fell in love with.  I learned a lot I guess.

I learned mixing business with pleasure can be really, really painful.
I learned sometimes things really do work out the way you want.
I learned that if you ask for what you want, people may give it to you.
I learned that my heart is hungry for love.
I am jealous.  Lonely. That I will settle for crumbs. For a while at least.
I have so many supportive, wonderful people in my life.
I still need yoga.
You never know how you will respond in a certain situation.
Life can surprise you all the time.
Keep hanging on. Even if by a thread. Eventually it will end.
I have a tendency to look forward to the future and it dampens my present moment joy.
I want a man. A partner. I want to stop looking. And I hate the mating games. I hate that I'm looking. That I'm looking around seeing which man might be the one to make me happy. That I know you "should" find all the love you need inside and yet I look anyway.

MINE

Pretty sure I'm drunk, current.
I was for sure drunk 2 hours ago when I finally stalked the thing that gives me a glimpse of my man.  And it for sure upset me as my sober and restraining self knew it would. 

It fuckin slaps me like nothing else. I don't even know why. 

It could have energy in it. Energy that tells me how wrong I am. 

I really don't know. 

If I'm compIetely honest it makes me angry. Like who the fuck does she think she is? Following him around...taking pics of him like you're his person or something. You're a fucking joke. 

That's what I want to say.  And what my legitimate gut reaction is.  

Isn't that bizarre? And so wrong? Seriously.  I realize this. 

We were married in a past life I assume. This must be true. This would explain our immediate connection and my overpowering jealousy/anger.  Because I do not feel off balance. If I were off balance I might be thinking about all the random little moments we shared and think they were a big deal. Or somewhere in my mind be thinking he is the one who will make my life all I have ever dreamed it would be. But I am not and do not think these things.  But when I see them together, even if it's just their cocktails sitting next to each other, I am overwhelmed with an urge to run, spit, and knock the fucking drinks over. 

WHAT IS THAT?  

He must know. He must feel what I feel. 

Inspiracion

What are the ingredients for inspiration? I'm sure they vary, like ingredients for getting over a break up. 

I bet I can list a bunch today. In this case they will be "ingredientes" because, you know, I'm in Mexico. 

Start easy...

Sunshine

Vibrant natural colors that smack you in the face with their badassness. Every. Time. You see them. 

Tanned toes

Amazing weather and perfect evening temperatures

Being able to share your gratitude with someone of similar heart space 

People handling things you trusted (or didn't) to handle 

Sun kissed hair

Natural caves only just discovered, showed off by someone with care and pride

Leather skinned Indian men running a bar on an island in Mexico. 

Universal favor in the form of perfectly timed ferry rides, free shuttle buses, cute boys with boats and great accents, reposado floaters at no charge, cheap and efficient transportation

Light eyes in Mexican skin

Being given good directions

Feeling a beautiful man's passion for nature and people

Kind eyes and questions from an unsuspected source

 

Good surprises 

Fresh, wonderful, creative food

Doing something you are scared to do

Hearing music you enjoy when you least expect it. 

Friends who speak up when you are afraid to, and who don't judge you for being afraid. 

Things working out better than you thought they would/could/planned. 

Laying down in a quiet, comfortable bed and thinking (without trying to think it), "I have everything I need right now."

Gratitude for how nice your life/country is and how much money you have always had when you needed it

Realizing. Knowing. What you deserve and not even stopping to think if it's possible. 

Adios

What is it that makes you get over someone?

What is it that make ME get over someone?

So many different things it seems. None work alone. But only one seems to work at a time. And it never feels like it's working as it's happening.  Maybe they add together. Maybe there is a heart/vibrational shift.  I hate that I can't write out and follow the formula. I hate that life is like that. That we just have to expeerrrrrience things sometimes. Most times. I love that life is like that. That we have to expeeeerrrience things sometimes. Most times.  It's terrible painful and I'm sure somehow beautiful.

I'm grieving another today.  ANOTHER.  I wrote that it all caps like I'm annoyed that there is yet. afuckingnother. But I'm not really.  More like, shrug. Ah, well.

another.

You know this one. He is so beautiful. I saw him a couple weeks ago and he sat in a chair while I stood in front of him. He made me a promise. One I believed and set my soul at ease.  My hand touched his face without my mnd's consent and our souls rested in each other as we locked eyes. My thought: you are the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.  My word: okay.

That moment carried me for a while, and how could it not?  So many intricacies in that moment.  Chemical reactions, physical touch, defying logic and morals, the power of being present, this boy promising to make [one of] my dreams come true.  There is nothing like that kind of happy.

But here I am today.  Saying goodbye to another.

Angry. Abandoned. Afraid. Ashamed. Disappointed. And yet. Accepting.

This was bound to happen. The situation was nearly impossible. I know that.  And I suppose better now that later.  I just wasn't ready, I told you.

The way I saw it (from the beginning probably), this break up scenario could play out one of two ways:

1- we hang out in this relationship that makes us both feel alive and fun and full of dreams. Yet, in the back of my mind he and I are both not sure if he's a good guy because we are even in this relationship. We are also waiting for the shoe to drop.  So finally I end it out of muscle and willpower because a) I decide he's not for me, or b) it starts to hurt enough that he can't go home with me at night, or c) it starts to hurt enough that he "can't" treat me the way I want to be treated, or d) I have a solid spiritual moment in which I know I'm putting my eggs in the wrong basket and believe there is someone better for me out there. (Notice I did not give option e: because it's the 'right' thing to do.  That hasn't been an option since that Tuesday in his office).  In a nutshell, I end it.

2- we hang out in this relationship that makes us both feel alive and fun and full of dreams.  Then he ends it because (anything i say now is speculation) a) he can't stand the guilt, or b) he mostly just wanted to sleep with me and is less attracted to me now that I seem to be attainable, or c) he wants to separate business and pleasure, or d) someone happens upon our emails and puts the smack down, or e) he wants to work on his primary relationship because he realizes he and I would never work, or f) I don't fucking know why. Nutshell, he ends it.

So option two seems to be happening if I look at the lack of writing on the wall.  This is a good thing.  Because option one was definitely planning to drag it's feet. My feet drag even as option two was trying to happen. Believe it or not I finally had a "snap out of it moment"  when I realized I was waiting waiting for an email and when it came I was ready to respond with bells on like an idiot. The waiting waiting was not new. It just used to go both ways and I knew it. Now I know he's pulling away and I also fucking know it. I WILL NOT be sitting here waiting waiting for anyone who is not doing the same. You respect me. You cherish me. You wait for me. I will demand it.

I will NOT beg for it.

You've got the wrong girl if you think I will beg you for anything.


Oh yeahhhh. So that's where I am now. Letting go of another. And today's "get over" piece is one of pride and righteous anger: who the fuck do you think you are? Do you know who the fuck I am?? Yeah. Didn't think so.

The sweet, gracious part of me that I do love so much gets to take a nap today.  Let the Boss drive the bus today.  Maybe through the rest of the week.

Nice Nikki: can I write a sidebar at least?

Boss: if you can do it as reflective commentary just to get it out, then yes.

Nice Nikki: ok, I'll be brief. But I'm going to be perfectly honest.

"I hope he's better than that. I hope he's confused and he's trying to be a good man and clear his head and be good to both of you. I hope he meant everything he said that Tuesday even of it doesn't work out with you/us. I hope he's never cheated on her before .  I hope he's deep down so wonderful and all this tense interaction means that you guys are meant to have that one-of-a-kind-bigger-than-life sort of love.  That's all. That's my piece."

Boss: I hear you. And for the sake of magic and your sweet heart I hope that's true as well. But I'll tell you right now, I doubt it. I'd say he's in your life to give you humility, money, and encouragement to keep trusting your intuition.  but that's me. We'll see. But he's not trampling your heart while we wait and see.

Boom done the end.

drugs and love

I think about you a lot.  different things.
i wonder.
i laugh.
i wish.
i shame.
i try to change the subject in my mind.

i wonder what it's like to be you.  i want to know what you want to do with your life.  with your money.  with your time and energy.  what's most important to you in life?  why are you striving so?  are you just having fun with all your projects and businesses and dabbling?  or do you feel compelled by some inexplicable or inextricable anxiety?  do your parents expect a lot of you or do you?  do you like your life? what makes you insecure? what do you love about your woman? are you happy?  is she happy?
if you could do anything with  your life what would you do? [that's the second time i typed that.  i wonder if i wonder that bc i want you to say something that i would like.  like that you are unhappy with your life and you are looking for a change.]
do you give away any money? [i just wondered that now for the first time and it was judgmental more than loving]
i want to know what it's like to go home with you.  home, home.  spending time on the couch with you. would you irritate me?  are you selfish?  how do you spend your downtime?  do you drink a lot?  do you like to talk about your day?  would you ask about mine?  would you confide in me, laugh with me, take comfort in me.  would you have any love and attention left for me at the end of the day?  what makes you laugh?  what stories do you tell?  do you like alone time? are you excited to see me?

i realize that these are strange things for me to wonder....but i really do want to know.  yesterday i was sad because i wanted more time.  i wanted to say, "wait!  dont go.  stay here and tell me everything. i dont care what, just, everything.  i want to know you.  you fascinate me."  i wonder if the reason i wonder all these things so hard is because the likelihood that i will actually get my answers is very slim.  

when you have a crush on someone you can usually make up all sorts of stories in your mind about what they might be like.  that's why they are so powerful, crushes.  because in your mind your crush can be one that makes all your dreams come true.  i realize this.  that infatuation and crushes are mostly made up of projected hopes and dreams.

so i wonder all these things about you, and i really do want to know.  you fascinate me with your differentness that is so close and intimate with me right now.  but also i want to know them because likely i wont like what i find out, or i'll see how it doesn't fit me and my crush will fade into nothingness.  this crush that keeps me awake at night and gets me out of bed in the morning.

sometimes i feel like an addict.  you are my drug.  im saying, "ive got control of this. i only use recreationally.  i know people say that withdrawal symptoms can be pretty bad, but i dont think i use enough to have problems.  like one hit a day to keep me light on my feet.  i swear, im not addicted.  i could quit if wanted to."

i haven't wanted to yet.
----------------------

im grateful i didn't hear from you all weekend.  id be lying if i didn't hope to see your name when i checked my phone various times a day.  which is why im grateful.  can't be havin that shit.
it was great to hope to see your name every other day this week, or not even be thinking about, and then see your name.  to hope and see.  fuels the addiction.  hope and not see? withdrawal symptoms commence. better to start them now with you only having been in my veins a week.  any longer and i might be in the clinic.
-------------------
i like to tell stories.  i told my therapist this and she said we should maybe look at this next time.  my quote was, "i dont know, maybe i dont want to give it up because im just bored.  i like having stories to tell." [referring to the drama of being intensely attracted to someone you will never have/"shouldn't" want/wont work out]
i like the adrenaline. i like excitement.  i like entertaining people with my stories.  but it's kind of like telling people all day about this amazing pizza maker youre going to get and you finally found the perfect one and how it does all these things automatically and WOW it's just incredible can you believe it??? and then you go home at night and your pizza maker is still in catalog form and costs more than you could [probably] ever afford.  and it's maybe a little depressing.  is it worth the excitement you felt telling that story to your friends?  you really convinced yourself that you might own this pizza maker, and you were so happy for a little while even just dreaming about it. [Plus, you had something to talk about with people...maybe you and your therapist should look at that btw: "I need to have stories to tell people/be interesting,..is that true?] but then you go home.  and reality is...you will likely never get the pizza maker.  why do that?  is life really that boring? am i really that bored? and is it worth it, the "comedown"?

flip side:  if i was that bored, would that be so bad?  what if i am?!  yeah im bored and i make up shit to get excited about and then get sad when it doesn't work out, who cares?  the idea of just being neutral all the time does not always sound appealing to me.  sounds BORING.  i dont like to think of myself as a drama queen.  but.... i guess i am.

might as well embrace it.
i am a drama queen addict. i want things i cant have.
ok then.
i love myself anyway.
and everything is perfect.

W

I had a hard time today.

Talked with Dustin for an hour last night.
Then went to bed thinking about lane.
Dreamt about mike Robinette choosing to make out with me with his girlfriend in the other room.
Woke up to a Facebook message from Justin Krueger, saying he was ready for a goodbye kiss because he was finally ready to let me go. (Whaaat?)
Jay came in town and I agreed happily to go to lunch with him. Promptly canceled.
Got a call from (married) Walker and pretended I wasn't dying to see him.

All these men. Chose other women (or substances) over me.  Choose other women over me. Why do I waste any energy on them at all?
Angela probably tried to be encouraging to me about it today. I'm all "what's the harm, I don't want to be with any of them." She's all, "I've never seen anyone talk about or think about the past as much as you do. And all of these guys choose to give their commitments to other women yet still want a piece of you. And you give it to them." I kept hearing her say, "YOU NEED TO BE BETTER, STRONGER, CUT EVERYONE OUT WHO DOESNT LOVE YOU. STOP TELLING STORIES ABOUT ALL THESE STUPID GUYS."
It's hard okay?
A human can only be so strong. Can only take so much rejection before even just a little attention feels necessary and soothing to the heart.
I see the work that could be done here but sometimes it feels like too much.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy what it feels like to be attracted to someone on so many levels.  It feels GOOD. he's fucking married but it feels good. If I knew, really KNEW, that by not indulging in these feelings and by cutting out anyone who wasn't a potential life mate then I would actually meet my life mate, I would fucking do it. But I don't know. I'm human and I'm lonely and I love the tension/interaction.

On the other hand, I did previously write that I was tired of always giving to all these dudes and I was ready for someone to give to me.  And that is true. I am. And walker is not going to leave his wife and likely has a lot of issues just like everyone else and I'm left with wasted energy. He has a wife to go home to when he's done with me. Nate has his next girl. Lane has Genevieve. Dustin has booze. Jay has his girlfriend. And I just go home to me.

When will that hurt be big enough to make me have to believe enough in something better that I stop indulging at all?

Could be a life hanging thought that starts to break the pattern. Could be extreme. I don't fucking know.