The Next Six Months

i want to say im writing a book.  i want to say it to speak it into existence.  but i dont want saying it to disrespect people who are real writers. i mean, i may not really write a book.  i just want to say i will because for some reason it gives me a sense of purpose.  a, "hey, why the fuck not?" mentality.  i like that mentality.

in actuality if i were really going to write a book i would probably have to have some [more] discipline and write like two three hours a day, give myself a deadline, etc.  i dont really plan to do all that.  and i kind of hate writing.  im not a horrible writer...like with papers, speeches, etc...but i hate starting.  and organizing.  but i'm going to pretend im good at that part when i say to myself and this blog and my friends that i might write a book.

so im going to write a book.  and it's going to be called "the next six months."  and it will be about transition and paradox and what it's like to live in this mind and what it's like to live out of this mind and what it's like to feel crazy and perfect and amazing at the same time.  to feel unworthy one minute and extremely capable the next.  to open up to the universe and see what it has for me.  this really does feel like an extremely important time in my life...and maybe one people wouldnt think to write about until after the fact.  so, on the urging of my friend's very new and wonderful husband, i am going to write a book and it's going to be called "The next six months."  who knows.

it's funny.  i think about angela and how she's a writer and she's working on her book right now.  and i feel a bit silly/copycatish saying im going to write a book.  but i dont think i am.  im just using it as an excuse to write more probably.  it's good for me.

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my emotions seemed to have calmed down.  i want to attribute this to some things but i also feel more and more like i dont really understand the complexity of the mind, the subconscious, human interactions, emotions, spiritual contracts, etc. so i dont really even know if attribution is necessary.  but in very simple understanding i might say this has to do with coming to agreement with the folks who are buying my business, spending five days with college friends who love and accept me in all my glory, and one of my certain spiritual contracts being out of the country.

i like space from him.  i really cant wait to be done with him.  im tired of feeling the pull on my heart and the tendency toward madness. the blur of confusion surrounding my desire to be love and the desire to protect myself and be wise with my energy.  i want to be done with nutty and done with him.  i say this with calm, mind you.  a few weeks ago i would have said it with sadness and desperation...and fear that he may not even be the reason i was feeling so off balance.  now that he has been gone and the nutty deal is almost closed and i feel the space and i feel what it has done for me and how my energy shifts (unpleasantly) when i realize he is coming back tonight, i know it will be good when it is over.  and that there is hope that i will return to homeostasis.  i just have to make it through the next six months.

and i will.  i am strong.  i know what i need.  i take care of myself.  the universe is opening for me.  i have been invited to play in the realm of my highest earthly potential and i have accepted the invitation.  i am ready to create new beliefs that fully support me and perhaps completely redefine me.  maybe it took the difficulty of these last three months (years) to get me to this place.  i will choose to believe that in order to believe that the universe is benevolent and release all anger and unforgiveness.

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i miss you.

i feel centered and good and inspired.  lighter.  connected to myself and wanting to stand on my own two feet and share me.  i was surprised when i sat today feeling how i was feeling and then i wanted to share...with you.  and i could feel you so clearly in my mind and heart that you would be happy that i was happy.  that this me is the one that is so easy for you to love.  there is beauty in that becuase, well, this is my best me i think.  my favorite me.  and i'd love you to love her...to want me to be that person.  on the flip side, i am not always her.  and you abandoned me when i was not.  for whatever reasons you did so, you still left.  and i needed you.  or wanted you.  to not have you was so painful.  i tell myself it was crucial for my development.  must've been somehow.

i'm not sure what my lessons are here.

embrace all of your emotions.
practice strengthening all of your self-healing tools.
trust yourself and your heart.
always speak your truth. especially to yourself.
love even when it's not reciprocated.
practice protecting yourself even when your strongest desire is to pour out your heart.
business is business.
embrace your own gifts and let others have theirs.
have empathy for those who have been in similar situations to yours.
observe the mind and train it to do what works for you.
take a breath and just do the next right thing.
stand up for what you want despite the opinions of others, including the hater inside.
dont fall in love with someone who is unavailable just because you are lonely.
your gut may tell you something, and you can go against it and it may work out, but it wont be fun.
give your energy to people who support and love you truly.

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i had a thought this morning.  it wasn't the first time:  he will come back.  we will have reconciliation of some sort - a connection, an agreement/understanding, something.  he has to.  i just need to be patient.  it will come.

this reconciliation would validate me, see.  i guess.  but what would come of it?  we still wont be together.  we're not even meant to be together.  i just want to know that he has had some feelings about this whole thing.  that he has missed me.  that it has been challenging.  that would validate me and make me feel less weak.  like it was a MUTUAL challenge.  like a big energetic soul deal and that's why i went so bonkers.  if he doesn't validate me it just embarrasses me for some reason because i couldn't get it together.

i guess i should come to terms with that.  love myself anyway.  forgive myself for falling in love with someone who was only interested in me for 10 minutes.  yikes. wish me luck with that, she said in a sarcastic tone.