Adios

What is it that makes you get over someone?

What is it that make ME get over someone?

So many different things it seems. None work alone. But only one seems to work at a time. And it never feels like it's working as it's happening.  Maybe they add together. Maybe there is a heart/vibrational shift.  I hate that I can't write out and follow the formula. I hate that life is like that. That we just have to expeerrrrrience things sometimes. Most times. I love that life is like that. That we have to expeeeerrrience things sometimes. Most times.  It's terrible painful and I'm sure somehow beautiful.

I'm grieving another today.  ANOTHER.  I wrote that it all caps like I'm annoyed that there is yet. afuckingnother. But I'm not really.  More like, shrug. Ah, well.

another.

You know this one. He is so beautiful. I saw him a couple weeks ago and he sat in a chair while I stood in front of him. He made me a promise. One I believed and set my soul at ease.  My hand touched his face without my mnd's consent and our souls rested in each other as we locked eyes. My thought: you are the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.  My word: okay.

That moment carried me for a while, and how could it not?  So many intricacies in that moment.  Chemical reactions, physical touch, defying logic and morals, the power of being present, this boy promising to make [one of] my dreams come true.  There is nothing like that kind of happy.

But here I am today.  Saying goodbye to another.

Angry. Abandoned. Afraid. Ashamed. Disappointed. And yet. Accepting.

This was bound to happen. The situation was nearly impossible. I know that.  And I suppose better now that later.  I just wasn't ready, I told you.

The way I saw it (from the beginning probably), this break up scenario could play out one of two ways:

1- we hang out in this relationship that makes us both feel alive and fun and full of dreams. Yet, in the back of my mind he and I are both not sure if he's a good guy because we are even in this relationship. We are also waiting for the shoe to drop.  So finally I end it out of muscle and willpower because a) I decide he's not for me, or b) it starts to hurt enough that he can't go home with me at night, or c) it starts to hurt enough that he "can't" treat me the way I want to be treated, or d) I have a solid spiritual moment in which I know I'm putting my eggs in the wrong basket and believe there is someone better for me out there. (Notice I did not give option e: because it's the 'right' thing to do.  That hasn't been an option since that Tuesday in his office).  In a nutshell, I end it.

2- we hang out in this relationship that makes us both feel alive and fun and full of dreams.  Then he ends it because (anything i say now is speculation) a) he can't stand the guilt, or b) he mostly just wanted to sleep with me and is less attracted to me now that I seem to be attainable, or c) he wants to separate business and pleasure, or d) someone happens upon our emails and puts the smack down, or e) he wants to work on his primary relationship because he realizes he and I would never work, or f) I don't fucking know why. Nutshell, he ends it.

So option two seems to be happening if I look at the lack of writing on the wall.  This is a good thing.  Because option one was definitely planning to drag it's feet. My feet drag even as option two was trying to happen. Believe it or not I finally had a "snap out of it moment"  when I realized I was waiting waiting for an email and when it came I was ready to respond with bells on like an idiot. The waiting waiting was not new. It just used to go both ways and I knew it. Now I know he's pulling away and I also fucking know it. I WILL NOT be sitting here waiting waiting for anyone who is not doing the same. You respect me. You cherish me. You wait for me. I will demand it.

I will NOT beg for it.

You've got the wrong girl if you think I will beg you for anything.


Oh yeahhhh. So that's where I am now. Letting go of another. And today's "get over" piece is one of pride and righteous anger: who the fuck do you think you are? Do you know who the fuck I am?? Yeah. Didn't think so.

The sweet, gracious part of me that I do love so much gets to take a nap today.  Let the Boss drive the bus today.  Maybe through the rest of the week.

Nice Nikki: can I write a sidebar at least?

Boss: if you can do it as reflective commentary just to get it out, then yes.

Nice Nikki: ok, I'll be brief. But I'm going to be perfectly honest.

"I hope he's better than that. I hope he's confused and he's trying to be a good man and clear his head and be good to both of you. I hope he meant everything he said that Tuesday even of it doesn't work out with you/us. I hope he's never cheated on her before .  I hope he's deep down so wonderful and all this tense interaction means that you guys are meant to have that one-of-a-kind-bigger-than-life sort of love.  That's all. That's my piece."

Boss: I hear you. And for the sake of magic and your sweet heart I hope that's true as well. But I'll tell you right now, I doubt it. I'd say he's in your life to give you humility, money, and encouragement to keep trusting your intuition.  but that's me. We'll see. But he's not trampling your heart while we wait and see.

Boom done the end.