accepting what is

what is:

i feel as though i have been broken up with.  i feel slow, sad, unmotivated, in a daze.  as if something completely devastating has happened and i have no energy to think or motivate myself to be positive.

nothing devastating has happened so i am confused.

it is sometimes easier to accept the reality of your situation than your emotions about the situation.

i saw dustin couple of weeks ago.  we talked for 3 hours.  i said everything i have ever wanted to say and asked (most) everything i ever wanted to ask.  he enlightened me.  i left and felt exhilarated and sad at the same time.  because when he lets his guard down i get to see him.  and i love him still.  so i am so grateful that i got the opportunity to see him and be with him but it is so sad and confusing and disappointing to look at someone and love them like that and then...nothing.  he wont call. (probably.)  he's not coming back.  (i dont think...but maybe.)  so what is the point of feeling this way about someone if you dont get to live in that feeling?  and express it and share it?  it is so frustrating to me.  because i feel as though those feelings should not exist without reason.  especially as an adult.

i try to be realistic and optimistic about us at the same time.  this is a struggle for me.  i did run into him two days later twenty minutes after he texted me, "saturday was good, nicole. have a happy day." i thanked him for the talk.  and then texted after he left, "just let me know when you're ready for me to stop dating other people."  i got a jumbo smiley face in return.

so fuck, im trying to wait.  trying to believe he's coming back.  cuz i want to believe!  but i also told liz i thought he would text me 2 weeks after our meeting and then something magical, dustin related or not, mostly just heart related, would happen by christmas.  and the two week period ended yesterday.  no word from my love.  so i then doubt my intution.  doubt myself. 

there are two opposing feelings.  the one that comes from the encouraging universe that says, keep your head up little girl, give it just a little longer, he's coming back.  stop worrying!  that one actually makes me happy.  makes me want to quit worrying.  and you, know, even if he didn't, and something else lovely came up for me, at least i wouldn't have spent the time worrying.  the other is the parent-type universe that is looking at me like, poor kid doesn't know what's good for her.  she is pining after this thing that is so not good for her.  like a kid who wants candy bars for breakfast. and it's so clear he's not coming back.  why doesn't she see it?  its doing her no good to keep waiting for him.  i wish she would let this go. 

but what's wrong with using unrealistic optimism to bring peace in the moment?  i suppose the downside is obvious right now.  when it doesn't work out you feel as though something devastating has happened and you cant get motivated to do anything.

someone just come get me.  come romance me and let's look in each other eyes so deeply we fly out into the abyss of la-la land and let it's perfection fuel us enough that we can handle anything in this world.  forever.

maybe im not even sad about dustin.  im just in a fuckin weird mood, depressed, quiet, stilled and stalled and im just trying to come up with a reason, so i blame my broken heart.  i have been known to be a meaning-making machine.

i want my person.

"i hope you never come my way again. i mean it and i feel this may be possible now since i am truly ready to let it go."

i wrote that in July.  and i meant it as far as i know.  i wonder why it wont go away.  how i have "let go" like three different times.  am i sabotaging my development somehow?  fuck that.  i do what i do and everything is perfect.  i am perfect.

rich, deep calm

to marsha,

ive missed you! so much to catch you up on. wanted to say hello and tell you i was thinking of you. and im doing GREAT.

just got back from transformational breathwork seminar with my mom in tahoe. in a nutshell, it was wonderful. hard of course but the lightness i feel makes it worth the work. actually walked up to ol' dusty boy yesterday at the market, which i have never done, and gave him an unsolicited hello/hug. there was a solid exchange of forgiveness, acceptance, and gratitude through the eyeballs in both directions. that was my perception anyway and what i was giving out. did a fair amount of work at the seminar around him and really finally feel in my heart that i cant be mad at him because he's not where i wish he would be. it's his journey to walk and he's got every right to be whereever he wants and needs to be. i've been saying that forever but all the breathwork finally "integrated" it i think so i actually feel that now.

feelin grounded, positive, peaceful, JOY. :)

had the thought of going to school here in charleston next fall (instead of say, seattle or chicago) to get my masters in counseling while STILL maintaining nutty g (now that it's easier to run). and until then i could continue to practice yoga and do some teacher trainings so that eventually i could have my own counseling practice and incorporate private yoga lessons as well. good idea huh?! makes me excited. soo i think my costa rica trip in february will now include 3 weeks of yoga teacher training.

also i feel i understand spirituality/god differently now. it is clear(er) to me how if god/source is perfect energy/creativity/beauty/love/abundance then it is indeed possible to manifest beauty/love/abundace/goodness in our lives now if we can try to get our emotions and thoughts vibrating on a clearer/more positive level so that source's energy can come through that emotional and mental filter without so much interruption. in other words, if source's energy is coming thru us to manifest a physical reality and it's coming thru a scrambled filter, it may manifest some not so pleasant physicalities and vice versa. someone drew a diagram and it just made sense to me :) anyway, i feel REALLY happy about that bc i've been confused about who im praying to and all that jazz for almost a year now.

so again, feeling grounded, positive, peaceful. and im really practicing accepting what IS in the very present moment and as immediately as possible. i dig it. and i think that breath/bodywork moved some old beliefs and patterns that were ready to go. finally! like not really believeing it was okay to be truly joyful and content without also being afraid of when that contentment was going to end...or what might happen in the future to throw me off.

i am okay. all life's good is coming to me. i may never find a mate, i may get married in 6 months. i may sell nutty goodness for a lot of money or i may keep it exactly the same size until im ready to give it away. who knows? but i wont be missing out on anything. life is one big hot tub of delicious, soothing, supporting water holding me up. i just get to cruise and enjoy. :)

i sound good huh? ha.

yeah so i wont be needing your services anymore. naaaaah just kidding!! neverrrr

okay thats my update. talk to you soon, you gem of a woman.

hugs

n

been a while eh?  and i feel like there's actually been a lot i wanted to write about but have been having a hard time focusing on work and when im actually sitting AT work looking at this computer,. writing, instead of doing actual WORK i feel a little too guilty sometimes.

but it's been a while and im not focusing anyway and want to write about why in hopes of letting it go and getting back to work.

got overwhelmed all of a sudden.  tom handed me a fucking "proposal" for a raise.  which is great.  he deserves one.  i was thinking about it anyway.  and it was very well written. but for some reason i got tense in my neck and shoulders and started staring straight ahead.  getting angry.  wanting to look suddenly at dustin's fb page to distract me and/or eat some of the trail mix in the corner.  thoughts saying things like, "see, here it is.  as soon as you get ahead money goes out the door. you are never going to catch up.  you will always be struggling.  you'll never be able to figure out how to make more money in this business or you will at least never be motivated enough to do it.  and even if you do know how and are motivated for whatever reason you will hate doing whatever it is that you have to do. and then someone will come in and ask you for more fucking money."

there's another trained thought that says, "let it go.  think about it tomorrow.  keep doing what you were doing.  who knows, things just may work out.  those thoughts may not be true."

i guess that's what im going to do now.  ugh.

marsha said, "maybe you need more information."  I said, "i just dont really give a shit and dont want to talk to the dude anymore."  she continued encoruaging me to get more info and THEN decide how i felt.  you can tell she's a marriage/relationship counselor.  she's good.

I say to drew, "i was under the impression that  you would call if you were not going to make it home in time for the show.  and then i didn't hear from you so i was confused.  did i misunderstand?"  i was feeling all grounded, semi indifferent, but open.  man, marsha can ground me just by sitting with me. 

he says, "iiiii dont' know," and continues.

ok ima finish this later...nutty calls...

there are wonderful men who are crazy about me.  ben.  lane.  matthew.  whyyyy dont i want them.

hot drew just MIA'ed this evening.  awesome you fucking douche bag. 

the "chicken or the egg" question is making me feel like shit tonight:  does my intuition tell me to bail because these dudes are going to bail or does my freak out/insecurity make them bail?

i eyeballed drew monday.  he comes to yoga monday night and asks me out that eve.  he calls tues afternoon to schedule a time.  tues pm i sit at his bar.  wed morning we have breakfast.  he was going to ask me to go to greenville for thursday/fri/sat but after breakfast on wednesday when he said, "welllll what are you doing later?"  and my response was, is it normal for you to meet somebody and want to hang out with them so often in such a short period of time?" he decided not to.  he did, however, invite me to a concert, and i went.  had a good time.  we stayed at a hotel on isle of palms and had breakfast the next morning. (clothes on fyi.)

my thoughts during all of this were, hmm this guy is interesting, i like that he wants to hang out, yet i feel he will be all about it for a minute and then change his mind, so i'm not getting my hopes up. 

was i right or afraid?  and did my fear cause a chain reaction of insecurity in me and him?  and now he indeed falls of the face and i feel like i must have done something wrong.

awesome. 

angela says im not healed yet and therefore shouldn't be going out with anyone.  i totally agree at this point bc there was no reason for me to be insecure about whether or not this dude was gonna call.  he wasn't even funny.  but i was insecure.  which tells me my heart is a mess.  and that depresses me today. and if i didn't know bitterness wasn't a good thing, i would adopt it right about now, saying, "it's all bullshit.  no one will love you the way you want to be loved.  and you shouldn't need love anyway.  and apparently you are incapable of caring about someone without feeling all kinds of vulnerability and fear.  so no one will ever want to be with you." 

enter drew. and enter anxiety.

i dont even know what to say.  or why im writing.  i'll keep it short.  (suuure i will).

i met a beautiful man.  i eyeballed him and he actually came to talk to me.  we've hung out several times.  he wanted to hang out more times than i am used to in a short period and it freaked me out.  not because i didn't want to hang out with him, but because i dont believe his interest will last.

my heart is fucking terrified.  i am anxious, afraid, cautious, super over analyzing, and wish i were in the place i was when i met dustin.  carefree, ready to embrace the world, pain and all.  okay i probably wasn't aware at the time of how much pain there might be.  and i also didn't give a shit about him.  i was doing things for ME.  now im like looking for a mr. forever that wont leave me like he did and im feeling like a wuss, skittish, mistrusting, and definitely not engaging and and fun-loving like i think a man might like.   trying to tell myself that im exactly where im supposed to be...but then fear creeps in and tells me that if i dont figure something out i will lose this opportunity to be with this incredibly sexy man who has a lot of the qualities i really like. 

i dont like feeling like this at all.  think it's time to call that marsha.  fear abounds and i'd like it to go away.

karma, eh?

i met with vince for coffee this morning.  it was really great.  i was super excited to see him for some reason.

over the past couple of days i caught myself preparing what i would say if/when he asked about dustin, since vince is now his boss.  then i caught myself and said, "dont make decisions, nicole, until it's time to make them."  i love this reminder.  i trusted myself, my guidance, and i knew i'd know what to say in the situation if something came up.

so one of the first things he says to me is, "i dont know if this would bring you pleasure at all, but apparently dustin went home yesterday to get his wallet and found a tree had fallen on his car."  i tried not to laugh.  and then i did, saying, "ohhh, that sucks!" 

we continued to chat, about work, how he's feeling about his new job and employees, my company, mental state, etc.  and what was great was that he talked about dustin a fair amount, and his potential, but also his lack of commitment.  he said he felt he was working through a personal transformation though, too, and he was interested to see how things panned out.  the whole conversation just had such a nice feel to it, and i can't quite put my finger on what was so comforting about it. i guess
it was great because i have had such intense emotions and thoughts about dustin, but vince doesn't really know that.  and he brought up points about him in conversation that weren't meant to encourage my heart and mind but did.  he talked about walking down the street with brad, the owner of the company, and how they run into all these people brad knows - business people, respectable people.  walking down the street with dustin, he said people come out of the woodwork that know dustin, but they're all the night crowd, partiers, restaurant people.  and i remember that happening with me as well.  and i was proud for a moment of the crowd of people i know and surround myself with versus the crowd dustin knows.  and just having someone sitting there with me, from a very businesslike perspective just making a note of this thing, sort of encouraged me.  like its okay and valid to want to be proud of the people you surround yourself with.  plus, i can tell this person, this man, respects the shit out of me.  he knows me, has seen a fair amount of the intimate details of my struggles with nutty g, and it was awesome feeling like he is going to go back to work, in the same small office and dustin, and he is a fan of me.  he's on my team.  supporting me, energetically, maybe even verbally, whatever.  it just felt good.

and when brent responded to my text about the tree falling on dustin's car saying, "karma is a beautiful thing," that felt good as well.  like it was nature's way of saying, keep on doing your thing, you keep on loving life, i'll stand up for you when people treat you like shit.

awesome. :)