marsha said, "maybe you need more information."  I said, "i just dont really give a shit and dont want to talk to the dude anymore."  she continued encoruaging me to get more info and THEN decide how i felt.  you can tell she's a marriage/relationship counselor.  she's good.

I say to drew, "i was under the impression that  you would call if you were not going to make it home in time for the show.  and then i didn't hear from you so i was confused.  did i misunderstand?"  i was feeling all grounded, semi indifferent, but open.  man, marsha can ground me just by sitting with me. 

he says, "iiiii dont' know," and continues.

ok ima finish this later...nutty calls...

there are wonderful men who are crazy about me.  ben.  lane.  matthew.  whyyyy dont i want them.

hot drew just MIA'ed this evening.  awesome you fucking douche bag. 

the "chicken or the egg" question is making me feel like shit tonight:  does my intuition tell me to bail because these dudes are going to bail or does my freak out/insecurity make them bail?

i eyeballed drew monday.  he comes to yoga monday night and asks me out that eve.  he calls tues afternoon to schedule a time.  tues pm i sit at his bar.  wed morning we have breakfast.  he was going to ask me to go to greenville for thursday/fri/sat but after breakfast on wednesday when he said, "welllll what are you doing later?"  and my response was, is it normal for you to meet somebody and want to hang out with them so often in such a short period of time?" he decided not to.  he did, however, invite me to a concert, and i went.  had a good time.  we stayed at a hotel on isle of palms and had breakfast the next morning. (clothes on fyi.)

my thoughts during all of this were, hmm this guy is interesting, i like that he wants to hang out, yet i feel he will be all about it for a minute and then change his mind, so i'm not getting my hopes up. 

was i right or afraid?  and did my fear cause a chain reaction of insecurity in me and him?  and now he indeed falls of the face and i feel like i must have done something wrong.

awesome. 

angela says im not healed yet and therefore shouldn't be going out with anyone.  i totally agree at this point bc there was no reason for me to be insecure about whether or not this dude was gonna call.  he wasn't even funny.  but i was insecure.  which tells me my heart is a mess.  and that depresses me today. and if i didn't know bitterness wasn't a good thing, i would adopt it right about now, saying, "it's all bullshit.  no one will love you the way you want to be loved.  and you shouldn't need love anyway.  and apparently you are incapable of caring about someone without feeling all kinds of vulnerability and fear.  so no one will ever want to be with you." 

enter drew. and enter anxiety.

i dont even know what to say.  or why im writing.  i'll keep it short.  (suuure i will).

i met a beautiful man.  i eyeballed him and he actually came to talk to me.  we've hung out several times.  he wanted to hang out more times than i am used to in a short period and it freaked me out.  not because i didn't want to hang out with him, but because i dont believe his interest will last.

my heart is fucking terrified.  i am anxious, afraid, cautious, super over analyzing, and wish i were in the place i was when i met dustin.  carefree, ready to embrace the world, pain and all.  okay i probably wasn't aware at the time of how much pain there might be.  and i also didn't give a shit about him.  i was doing things for ME.  now im like looking for a mr. forever that wont leave me like he did and im feeling like a wuss, skittish, mistrusting, and definitely not engaging and and fun-loving like i think a man might like.   trying to tell myself that im exactly where im supposed to be...but then fear creeps in and tells me that if i dont figure something out i will lose this opportunity to be with this incredibly sexy man who has a lot of the qualities i really like. 

i dont like feeling like this at all.  think it's time to call that marsha.  fear abounds and i'd like it to go away.

karma, eh?

i met with vince for coffee this morning.  it was really great.  i was super excited to see him for some reason.

over the past couple of days i caught myself preparing what i would say if/when he asked about dustin, since vince is now his boss.  then i caught myself and said, "dont make decisions, nicole, until it's time to make them."  i love this reminder.  i trusted myself, my guidance, and i knew i'd know what to say in the situation if something came up.

so one of the first things he says to me is, "i dont know if this would bring you pleasure at all, but apparently dustin went home yesterday to get his wallet and found a tree had fallen on his car."  i tried not to laugh.  and then i did, saying, "ohhh, that sucks!" 

we continued to chat, about work, how he's feeling about his new job and employees, my company, mental state, etc.  and what was great was that he talked about dustin a fair amount, and his potential, but also his lack of commitment.  he said he felt he was working through a personal transformation though, too, and he was interested to see how things panned out.  the whole conversation just had such a nice feel to it, and i can't quite put my finger on what was so comforting about it. i guess
it was great because i have had such intense emotions and thoughts about dustin, but vince doesn't really know that.  and he brought up points about him in conversation that weren't meant to encourage my heart and mind but did.  he talked about walking down the street with brad, the owner of the company, and how they run into all these people brad knows - business people, respectable people.  walking down the street with dustin, he said people come out of the woodwork that know dustin, but they're all the night crowd, partiers, restaurant people.  and i remember that happening with me as well.  and i was proud for a moment of the crowd of people i know and surround myself with versus the crowd dustin knows.  and just having someone sitting there with me, from a very businesslike perspective just making a note of this thing, sort of encouraged me.  like its okay and valid to want to be proud of the people you surround yourself with.  plus, i can tell this person, this man, respects the shit out of me.  he knows me, has seen a fair amount of the intimate details of my struggles with nutty g, and it was awesome feeling like he is going to go back to work, in the same small office and dustin, and he is a fan of me.  he's on my team.  supporting me, energetically, maybe even verbally, whatever.  it just felt good.

and when brent responded to my text about the tree falling on dustin's car saying, "karma is a beautiful thing," that felt good as well.  like it was nature's way of saying, keep on doing your thing, you keep on loving life, i'll stand up for you when people treat you like shit.

awesome. :)

it's true

i've got nothing left for you, sweetheart.  go on your way.

this is finished.  you have made it clear.  god has made it clear. my heart is clear.  i don't want what you are bringing to the table. thank you heather, for the prayer.

you are not who i dream of, who i remember.  you were him, but you haven't been him since february 1.  i held hope you would return.  it is clear you will not.

my prayer now is only that the hope will not return either.

needless to say i am slow today.  i am content and secure (enough), but my temperment is mellow.  this is okay.  it does not mean i am sad and wallowing.  it is okay to be slow.

i hope you never come my way again.  i mean it and i feel this may be possible now since i am truly ready to let it go.

oh, the emotional swing

10:25 pm next day:  amazing high cotton reunion brunch, Kickball playoffs injury/win later, several beers drank.  number deleted. you seriously dont have the respect to even respond? Fuck you, Dustin.

8:40 am next day: from him, "hey, was in GA.  where you housesitting?"

sigh.  what ensues is a plan to get together the next evening.  me thinking its a bad idea then saying screw it, and allowing myself to admit (only to myself) that im so excited i can hardly stand it.  at 9:15 pm i start getting ridiculously tense bc i haven't heard from him.  blah blah, he suggests a raincheck.  i say sure, then change my mind and say, "this is silly.  no need for a raincheck, lets just let it be."  i am disappointed for a moment, then extremely grateful that deep down i know i'm happy with who i am and where i am going....and dont really want him with me.  nope. 

nope. nope. nope.  farewell.

PS. today is day 30.  i mean, odddviously it was not 30 days of amazing committment but hey.  i did stick to not looking at the fb page, does that count for some credit?  anyway, i'll take half the time any day.

in retrospect, perhaps just a weak moment

11:30 pm: just finished hot catering shift after a long hot day in the market. I am tired but not exhausted and actually would love to go meet with someone for a beer. I can think of no one who is available. I head home to housesit, yes, one block from dustins house. I try not to imagine how much I would love to go meet up with d and his friends, or snuggle up to him at home as he waits for me. These thoughts make me happy not sad, but I'm afraid they are wrong and will eventually make me sad. So I try to avoid them like they are dangerous. I try to feel as good as I've felt all week, where i wasnt just distracted or feeling positive, but I truly felt content and at ease about life as a whole. Do u know how dumb that just sounded to me? To try to manipulate and grip the peace that is greater than mind or emotion? Well I tried regardless.

11:50pm: t think, I just want to text him a see what he's doing. It's so nice out, I'd love to just shoot the shit. I then think," no u shouldn't. U were just thinking last night how u had no desire to see him. Not when u are feeling all complete. So if u want to see him, u must not be feeling complete a therefore dont do it." but man. Therein lies a particular battle of the season. I just instinctively want to do something, in this case just call a friend who lives down the street to just sit and enjoy the nice night, that when I tell myself it's wrong to do said thing I feel so confused, like I can't trust myself. And I may just go to bed to try to make the desire pass but it won't go away. I think I'll wake up the next morning not trusting life.

12:02 am: i text liz, "I want to text him Liz."

12:02-12:21: I continue the mental/heart struggle.

12:22 am: fuck it, I text him. "we are definitely neighbors, current. What are you doing? Are u home bored or out making friends and being social?"

12:23: i feel better just getting it out, doing what I wanted to do, the thing that didn't seem like a big deal until I told myself It was wrong. I am not panicking that he may not respond, frankly I dont even care. Just might as well throw ur friend an offer. If it were any other friend i wouldve. Seriously. I even feel like I can go to bed now. I just needed to get it out.

12:49 am: I have heard nothing and I promise I'm fine. I actually might not have wanted him to respond, ha, cuz then I'd have to see him and who knowwws what I'd feel then. I told u, we are connected, but not all anxiety-like. It's free flowing, like, hey wherever u are, no pressure. No expectations here. Ok, I for real still feel that. Ahhhh, sweet lord, I haven't lost all my peace yet.

Man. Tis the season of learning and spiritual development. I can feel it. Keep it up. It's all for my highest good.