soul happy smile

oh, this could be a bad idea, getting me going.  i really do need to go do some work, but the intention is to keep this short.

i feel good.  like a different kind of good.  at my "company meeting" a couple of days ago i was discussing with liz the status of my heart regarding dustin.  he and i sorta of discussed getting together again to hang out sometime and i was saying i wondered if i should do it or not, and that i'd see how saturday at the market went...if he would bring it up or whatever.  and liz thought for a quick sec and then abruptly said, "no. you're not doing that.  this is not the way."  she said it so abruptly, and almost with a shift in persona, that it seemed to shift something in me.  i could feel it.  she continued, "you do not need to wait for him to do anything.  you will go about your business, focus on things you love, on becoming the best woman you can be, and things will pan out as they should.  you're not going to wait for him."  liz is not necessarily a bold, matter-of-fact person, but she definitely spoke as such.  and in the few moments while she spoke i got a sense of who i have been in the past months.  shaken, needy, afraid, desperate at times.  and no, i didn't want to be that, and that's what led to even more discomfort for me, but i still was that.  and i pictured dust and i coming together and it felt wrong.  like i was bringing an unwhole person to the party.  a person that didn't feel like me.  its hard to explain, but so many things shifted in that moment.  subtly perhaps, but profoundly.  and they are sticking.

no, i will not wait.  these past few months i have been blaming my neediness/emptiness on my romantic heart, and dont get me wrong, i love that part of me.  she is tender and beautiful and passionately loves being connected to people.  i will not reject her.  however, these past 10 days of morning meditation, of being intential about tapping into the true, grand, essense that is me have apparently helped me to remember that i am so much greater than that.  i am a divine expanse of a soul, filled with power and beauty and all things magnetic and good.  i want to bring THAT into a relationship.  not a desperate heart filled with longing.

so.  whether prayer, meditation, time, or (possibly prophetic) words from a friend are what instigated this powerful and relieving shift, i am grateful.  feels good from my bones to skin. 

i love you, dust.  and thank you for sharing yourself with me.  for being who you are, where you were, for the struggle that ensued after we separated.  i know it is all for my highest good, and for yours.  today i dont miss you, i just love you and bless you.  and know we are connected, but that the connection is free-flowing and gentle and allows for physical separation at any time without angst.  i send nothing but positive energy and love your way always. 

thank you god for all of this. for the evolution of our souls.  for supporting always.

shhhh, mind. shhhhhh

I want to write but I don't. I don't bc I've been meditating and reaaaalllly trying not to let my mind start spinning. Just be here. Breathe. I feel like I've really done a great job lately. Been feeling quite happy. I've thought about d and let the love be there, I'm happier that way I decided....than trying to fight it, trying to be angry at him, tryyyying to get over it. It's felt really good. Of course i wondered how today would feel, seeing him at the market. He came up, of COURSE, says hello, says he's been feeling great, 14 days sober, 5 days at the gym and one soccer game in the last week. I say good work. I think at one point about texting him to bring me breakfast and then someone else showed up at nearly the exact time with nearly the exact breakfast I would've ordered asking if I would please eat it. Thus I need not text. (thanks, god.)  And I get no communication from him, of course, for the rest of the day. I have a perfect end to the afternoon at the pool with flick and new friend, matt, at kev and shannons pool. When I finally leave flick, 4 slow beers later, I hug her for a long time and say, "I won't be depressed when I go home, I won't be depressed, I won't be depressed." see, when I leave the market, leave my peeps, esp after I have had a couple beers, and go home alone, esp after I have seen him....ok, even been in his vicinity, I can have a hard come down. (sidebar: why do I keep drinking when I know it can potentially bring me down and make me think ca ca crazy?) so I, duh, put on my new love, slow electronic music (with noooo effing words about romance to analyze/try not to analyze) and breathe deep and try to practice meditating while I drive home.

It works pretty well.

I try to ignore the thought, "he doesn't love u." 

And "whyyyy would he still come talk to u?

and, "When did I give him the okay to come back to making small stupid talk that always leaves me wanting?"

It's ok, I decided with marsha that it was ok- he's not gonna stop, cuz he can't, he's not strong enough or whatever, and id rather love him than try to deny him, bc that doesn't work and makes me anxious. I decided I would just let him do what he does and it may or may not hurt me but I would try to meditate and be strong and not go get him or change things or wonder why he does what he does. Just say, he does what he does because he does what he does. Life will be what it will be. I will be a willow. I am just here. I'm not going to try to figure. To fix. I am just here. Maybe that's all I have the energy to do after I try to fight the humanness in me that feels things I dont understand and practically hates said feelings.

I am just here.

I will be strong where he is not. Without anger. Without feelings of martyrdom or desperation. Out of love I guess. And out of lack of other options.

I want to go to costa rica tomorrow for 6 weeks. And come back a different person that doesn't know him. i know. That's not very "oh, we were super connected and we will always be connected and he does love u, it just didn't work out" of me is it?

But I do. I want to go away and not say goodbye. To prove a point. What point? The oh, u don't care about me? U want to take advantage of the fact that I'm always fucking here?? Well too bad. See ya. Leave me alone.
Would he even notice?
Would he ask anyone about me?
Would I come back better?

Can I do that? I have this thought underneath all my positive affirmations that says....hold on...gotta close my eyes and dig it out all stealth-like...."nope, this is what u want? Not gonna happen. If u think something will make u happy for a while it won't. I'm going to trick u. Something will always come back around to disappoint u. Like driving christis prius for cheap? Ur gonna ruin something on it and have to pay for it so you don't actually save any money. Life is all a big game to keep u thinking things are gonna be good and they're not. I will always win. Come back with disappointment. Don't get excited about anything. Nothing will work the way u want it to. Esp if u do something tryin to fix something u don't like about your life instead of just being patient. If u try to fix it, run from it, it won't work. I'll bring it back around until u deal with it."  man those are some mean nasty thoughts.  if i were imagining the way the devil would talk to you, i feel like thats how it would sound.  really negative, discouraging, so not life giving and loving.  yuck.


Maybe it's just that going to costa or somewhere feels like I'm running. Maybe it's ok to run every now and then. Instead of trying to be strong, take myself away from a challenging situation. I would encourage all my friends to do that. And I tried to do that with telling him to leave me alone, but that didn't work. So maybe I need to go. Christy is coming in July....maybe she could work for me. Maybe I could train her, and leave for just a couple of weeks.

im just tired of this.  tired of him.  tired.

shit

so i was looking thru my facebook messages for an address and see the name that makes my heart squeeze a little. unexpected, so it squeezed a little extra. apparently i hadn't deleted our fb message thread. so i read the message i wrote in response to his that said he was thinking of me, safe travels, etc. it says this:

· Oh dusty, of course u are thinking about me-it's our tues afternoon rendezvous time. :)  

Been thinking about u too of course and I'm happy to report I'm feeling good, back to my casual, confident self. Thank goodness! I don't think either of us were ready for anything more than casual (hence my hamster wheel freak outs, for which, by the way, I apologize...not just for their awkward nature but also if they implied mistrust), but I also don't think either of us were prepared to enjoy looking at each other all romantic like as much as we did. I wasn't anyway. Hard to not think about and try to hold on to a good feeling. But like I said, so many things to practice!  

It's good and probably about time for me to get back into focusing on the goodness anyway...though it was a fantastic break spent floating and daydreaming. 

Man, and I can't express how happy it made me yesterday to find myself thinking about our u and our casual experience and notice my cheeks hurting. Especially since I was not smiling a few days ago. Weird, sudden ending or not, this was good for me. You were good. Still super grateful. :)and that makes me happy. 

Thanks for the safe travel wishes....miss your face.
 

Nr


The thing that caught my attention about this is that i feel like its total bullshit and its a shame. yes, i was having a good day that day, but i sobbed my eyes out the day before. "i wasn't ready for anything more than casual.." ?? really? cuz right about now i would disagree. i guess im a little less angry at him for continuing to talk to me after i sent that email because yes, it does imply that i was fine. and casual. when i was fucking smitten and heartbroken. im sorry, d, for being prideful and trying to be strong.


my mind is currently trying to come up with reasons and justifications to make sure im not misreading this situation. to remember that there must have been other times that he should have known how i was feeling. like i felt like my actions made it clear that i was having a hard time. so he still should've left me alone. and he still doesn't want to be with me. but maybe i wasn't as clear as i thought. but i am going to wait out the urge to ask.


i dont want to. i want to reply to the facebook message right now and say
 

hey. i was looking for someone'd address in a FB message and saw your stupid name on a thread i apparently forgot to delete. so of course, i clicked on it. i reread what i wrote you on feb 7. as i read it all i could think was, wow. what bullshit. and i totally sound like i really dont care that much. but it was me trying to put a positive spin on things, trying to tell myself that i would be fine, cuz i probably thought i would be, and me trying to not be embarrased because i was devastated. i truly was in a good mood that day so i was feeling hopeful, but i had cried my eyes out the day before. and have cried my eyes out multiple days since. you and i could be a bad idea, headed toward disappointment, and i could be full of disillusionment. but after reading that i just wanted to apologize for my fear and pride. and i wanted to let you know that i think about you every fucking day and have employed every conceivable effort to make it stop. trust me. whether you think about me or not i guess it doesn't matter. just wanted to say im sorry for being too afraid to be honest....tho, like i've told you before regarding my desicions with nutty goodness...can't be too mad at myself because im always doing the best i can do at the time.

-----

i wont send it. but tears abound. the way i feel about this man is seriously baffling to me.

sometimes i just wanna call you and be like, hey, what are you doing?  do you ever want to do that?
first thought is that you would say yes.  i can imagine that so easily.  for  second.
and then my second thought is that you do not. im nuts.
and it's all well and good to call you and say, hey, what are you doing, but i alwaaaaaa
a
a
a
ays
neverwantyoutoleave and you alwaaaaaaaa

a
a
a
ys do.

so yeah.

bizarre.

i have to remember i felt like this before.  remember when i was writing about how i felt better when i just texted you what i felt...like that i was missing you or whatever.  but then it seemed to happen that you would let me down eventually somehow, someway, and i would get all panicky and hurt.  and that has brought me to this place where i just picture my mother telling me i need to leave you alone.  until im over it.  youre not coming back.

so annoying though fighting what my gut tells me to do.  because i now i feel like im supposed to doubt my gut.  because you aren't fucking cooperating. ugh. that's not how we do.  thats not how we operated.  this isn't right dustin.  i dont care what you say.

kickball and beer

i can be thinking all day, trying to rest my mind, trying to let go, listen to music, repeat positive affirmations, whatev, and what really does the trick (the trick being that i feel happy and content inside without effort)...is a 2 shots of fireball, one beer, and some kickball.  the win (or in today's case, the loss) doesn't even matter.  it's the competition, the complete focus on what im doing, the air, the people, the completely different social atmosphere.  Ninety-nine percent of the time i leave my kickball games not remembering what i was thinking about relationships earlier, what i needed to get done for work, what i failed at during the day, what i needed to work on spritually, anything.  i just feel good.  it's crazy.  so simple and so crazy.  who'da thought?  that practicing my bunts with KP, talking about the team we are going to put together for next season, shooting the shit with boys i've known for a year but know nothing about their families/girlfriends/etc., drinking my beer on the sidelines solo, or walking away from someone mid conversation because someone made a great play that i needed to cheer about, would completely shift my gears without me even knowing it was happing.  i love it when this happens more than i love a lot of things.

ah, sweet lord.  thank you.

should

i should be working.  i should be at home getting ready for bed.  i should finish writing these cards to all these people who might stop being my friends if i dont.  what i should really do is meditate more so i don't have so many damn shoulds.  i should probably stop swearing. 

i dont want to come to work tomorrow.  i want to lay in bed, wake up, do what i want.  be peaceful.  be present in my tasks.  i am not very present lately.  why not?  i find myself compiling list after list of things to do and they all have equal priority so i dont know where to start.  i say equal priority but these things i'm calling equal are the following list items: "download spanish conversation app so i can get better at spanish" and "deliver Hope and Union's order" and "get new eyeglasses" and "send liz her [two year late] wedding gift" and "get 8 hours of sleep and dont drink booze or caffeine and become perfect at yoga" and  "tell my roommate we can't get a dog" and "tell my other roommate she still owes me rent money" and "get the check and then put it in the bank" and "get over dustin."  and i seriously feel like they are all equal and i havetodothemallrightnowrightnowrightnownand you never do anything you say you're going to do and it will never get done and youuuuuuucan'tfigure shit outtttt.

------------

today i talked to my friend chris larsen.  she's beautiful. so smart. and wise.  hates being alone/single.  i love reconnecting with friends and being pleasantly surprised by how great they are and how they encourage, inspire,  and understand me.  updated her on the status of my life, which of course included tears as i talked about what's his name.  so i was inspired to write about some of the things i was feeling while i talked.  the fact that my heart wants this to be a oh-so-romantic and dramatic story and just stand up for the fact that i want him.  i'll fight for him.  i'll believe he's coming back.  because there's no way i could be this dumb over a dude that wasn't coming back in the name of loooove.  eventually he'll have an epiphany. he's just not ready.  but i must've read something in a previous post that made me decide (for the moment) that that part was dumb again. he aint coming back.  oh yeah...it was the part where i was thinking of responding to nate's imaginary text," nate, darling, i realize i'm ready for man who knows what he wants and knows what he's got."  where in that line do you see dustin?  nowhere.  fuck it.

life is a tragedy filled with joy.

what does wise woman say?  is he coming back?   i can imagine both.  the scenario where he has an epiphany and comes back and the one where i move on to bigger and better, if you will.  okay, to different.  because sadly, when i imagine the other, the him not coming back, and it just being over, no closure no nothing, i may have "better," but i dont feel as alive.  guess i've gotta work on my imagination some.  or try again when im not still feeling beat up.

-----

i wonder how it would feel to quit fighting my heart for the sake of "wisdom?"  it would feel scary im sure, invigorating also. to just be like a child.  silly, smiling, saying, i'm not worried.  but  i'm too afraid to do it.
to say with conviction....
i'll wait.  he's coming back.

i'm too proud, too afraid of being wrong.  part of me wants to do it though lately....and not because im so hurt that i believe he's coming back.  but just because i believe it is one of life's challenges for me soemtimes to stand up for what i believe.  even if i am completely unsupported.  or could be plain ol' stupidity.

i committed to 60 days. i should stick to that.

Day 8, trains?

wonderful weekend in the ATL.  great concert, played swords with some kids, got pedicures, took naps, did a free yoga class and took major advantage of hampton inn's continental breakfast/lunch. and i got to hear one of my most soul-filling things, too.  from lizzie - "you said something the other night that really stuck with me........"  ahhhh.  If anything ever makes me feel like im fulfilling my purpose on earth, it's hearing those words.  makes me feel complete, successful, content, so happy.  so thanks, for telling me, sweet friend.

I did find myself completely worn out saturday morning when i woke and eventually attributed the exhaustion to a week full of grief.  fuckin grief.  always wearing me out.  this round got me for sure.  i'm still feeling it today, over a week later.  just finished my beloved hot yoga class and am now having a hard time keeping my eyes open. but my mind is so wonderful because she's so driven: "no don't go take a nap, you can get some work done...just focus on your accounting, once you get going you'll knock it out. you've been gone all weekend, you need to put some hours in.  don't let your tiredness distract you from making a successful business."  and my mind is so wonderful because she really does try to take care of me: "everything will be okay.  what would it be like if you just took care of what your mind and body needed?  you slept nine hours last night, had incredibly scary dreams, i.e. released a lot of good emotion, and you are still very, very tired.  maybe the universe wants you to sleep and heal more, and work is just a distraction?"  I'm choosing to work.  whether it is fear or strong character and discipline that influences this decision i do not know.  let's say the latter, it makes me feel cooler.

i did some emotional tapping on this trip.  mom's technique for helping to move obsessive thoughts through the mind and body when they get stuck.  i tapped out these little suckers:

"I shouldn't love him."
"I feel stupid for wanting him back."
"I need to figure this out."
"I miss him."
"I feel like I'll never get over this."
"I'm afraid to see him."
"I'm afraid to let go."

I'm just ready for this mental overworking to be done.  Hoping and praying that last weekends' rendezvous was my last pitfall....get it alllll out.  this last round of painful sadness and confusion was so sudden and intense that i think i'm actually afraid to let thoughts of him linger in my mind, as opposed to before when i just did/t want them there because i thought they shouldn't  be there after all this time.  so I've decided i would play "Rail Rush," my fave, fast finger-swiping, intense focus game everytime i started to think about him.  i'm not opposed to pulling over while driving.  I'll rewire my brain somehow damnit.  Ima make this shit work. :)  what i really want to do is do yoga all day every day and meditate in costa rica til im a zen master.  i wanna go right. now.

john from kickball asked me to go out sometime via facebook message.  i said no, at least not for a couple months cuz "romance has been wearing me out lately!" (my girlfriends also added that no one should get a "yes" from a facebook invite. waaay too lame.) i just can't do it.  my heart is too wounded.  im sure of it now.  i've got no juice. and believe my wisdom is clouded over, too.  so no.  again, i say, nikki is on the bench.

lord, be near.  be with me.  thank you for friends who love and support me.  thank you for all your gifts.  thank you for rest.  bring healing soon.  get me out of the way if i am slowing the process down in any way.   please, please.

day 4

better.  i opted for listening to the bible instead of music this afternoon on the way to kickball.  turns out, the bible can make me cry, too.  of course, this feels better than crying over him.

i am not scared of you.  i will read my grief book and read the bible and go to yoga and feel the pain and i will be fine.

"i don't dance unless i hear music and i dont scratch my head unless it itches. i will not be intimidated."

LOVE.

and i love my kickball team.  my amazing friends. amazing yoga teachers.  so much love all around me.  praise the lord, praise the lord.

-----

pretty much just re-read all i have written since january.  there have been many times i have thought about how many entries i have written about him and shamed myself some, saying, "i can't believe how much you need/do write about this guy, you're so lame."  but as i read tonight all i can think is, man, i have written some really beautiful things.  perceptive, emotional, intuitive, true.  i am beautiful.  in my heartbreak, in my pain, in my love, in my peace, in my honesty.  i would love one day to be able to confidently say to him, "you should read what i wrote about you....you may enjoy it."  today i really thought he might.  but the "he" i speak of there is the "he" i love, not the "he" that sucks, that walks away, and was never really interested and/or never will be again.  The "he" that will never be as wonderful as he was to me for those 2 months.

Day 3.  I went to sleep and woke up thinking, "you were many things that I wanted, but not everything." this does not mean my heart does not still feel sad.  i prayed the prayer, to have my hands open.  took some deep breaths.  said, "i look forward to running into you so i can practice holding my peace."

then i began my drive to work in the rain, winding down beautiful riverland road.  i remembered how i felt when we were first getting together.  i remembered also you asking me if you crossed my mind when i thought about moving to texas.  of course you did.  man, i dont know why those moments are so sweet to me.  but they are.  i recognize it.  take another deep breath to try to stop the flow of tears before it begins.  and i think of the day when i come up to you to say, "hey.  just wanted to let you know i'm good.  i met somebody else and he's great, so im not afraid of you anymore.  so feel free to talk to me all you wish, not that you probably will.  just wanted you to know im good."

my shoulders are tight.  my smile is naught.  i am sad.

 i miss you every day.  some more than others.  i hate you today. because i love you.  i have no idea why. seeing you yesterday was literally an answered prayer from 30 minutes prior.  i wanted to be able to stare at you, watch you for a while. and i got to through lane's window, like a total creeper.  and i wanted to talk to you, be with you, have one more day with you. and i got to look in your eyes.  but see, i wanted to stare at you and talk to you and be turned off.  be nudged further in the direction of getting over you.  but the opposite happened.  i thought you were beautiful.  i love your face.  i love your eyes, your mouth, your stories, your body, your smell, your white shoes, your faint cigarette breath.  and loving you felt good for a minute.  really good, like validation for the amount that i have missed you. i felt my soul let out a huge relief sigh. 

and then.  you left.  like you always do.  and my heart breaks and you slap my face all over again, telling me you don't feel what i feel.

you are selfish.  you didn't know anyone else at the party really so you talked to me to keep busy.  you didn't talk to me because you wanted to talk to me.  and that is so incredibly selfish, given that i have recently bared my heart to you in asking you to leave me alone. BE BETTER.  be stronger. next time dont tell me you are respecting me, actually fucking respect me. and leave the party.  because i want to talk to you so badly that if you give me to opportunity i will take it like a weak, weak girl.  my strength only goes so far.  im an addict and once i start i can't stop.  you give me a taste, turn my soul on, and then walk away and leave me to console myself and put the pieces of my heart back together.


-----

the version i might actually send:

i dont know why you stopped me yesterday to talk to you.  i have theories, most of them are rooted in selfishness.  yes it is awkward to be at the same party. but you get to me, dustin, and you fucking know it.  so i dont care what the reason, if i send you a message saying that it hurts me to talk to you so please leave me alone, dont just tell me you are respecting me and my wishes, actually respect them.  you know i will stop and talk to you if you give me the opportunity, because im wonderfully loving and nice. and also because i miss you and i acually really do want to talk to you.  but it's not good for me.  because you leave me standing there.  every fucking time and you are fine and i am shaken.  and i know you know this.  so actually respecting me would mean you do not talk to me, even if it's awkward and even if you want to.  you.  are.  hurting.  me.  please stop.  let me move on.  i did not anticipate you would bother me this much but it is what it is.  when i'm fine, i'll let you know.  until then, unless you are contacting me to tell me that you are a dumbass, you miss me every day, and you want it back, i dont want to hear from you. be a man that's actually worth what my heart feels, and avoid me even.

starting now.

------
2 days later, i will send no such thing.  i will commit to avoiding him for 60 days, praying that i will keep my hands open.  for my heart to release him in peace, to be still and breathe as the flow of life washes over me.  for me to not grip tightly god's gifts.  when i see him, when i get the urge to stare, lord, let me sit, take three deep breaths with my hands open and say, "i trust the process of life.  i release you in love. i am complete."  and hopefully i will conquer my fear that he will come to me and i will not be able to say no and i will be left shaken.  again.

i will not.  i am strong.  i am capable.  i am complete.

i wonder how many days in a row i have pulled up your facebook page just for the hell of it?

i'm not pregnant, hallelujah.  seriously.

nate is going to work with me at the farmers market this weekend.  weird, i know.  i have zero expectations, i just needed a helper.

why am i still fucking thinking about dustin.  i miss him today.