so i deleted his number. and for me to send him a facebook message....well i currently have too much pride for that, now that i have unfriended him. short text messages are about all i will do, and only when im really missing him from my heart and still feeling somewhat centered in spite of it. but anyway, im very happy i deleted his number because it sort of stops the train of thought that wonders if i should, could, would text him something. anything. so it's good.

my heart says this right now:
i miss you. pretty sure every day. part of me feels like our connection was so strong that you MUST be missing me, too. the other part tells previous part that the experience for you was totally different than it was for me, and now the break up part is totally different as well. in other words, you dont care like i do. you dont have to intentionally distract yourself like i do.
that part talks a lot. tells my heart to move on, focus on something else. you did not love me. you are unavailable and not interested.

the part that misses you deep into my heart without explanation does not believe this is true. i cant believe it yet. and maybe this is why i cant let go.

___

it is embarassing that i think of you everywhere. i relate fucking everything to you unconsciously. whyyyy? i dont like it, i WANT it to stop, but it will not. especially because you probably do not. i go to bull street on king street and i look for you. i drive down king street and cross market and i look for you. i cross fulton st and i look for you. i park near church street to make a delivery and i have to walk by your office three times. after the delivery is finally over i have a stomachache and have to take some deep breaths. imagining you walking over to my car from the middle of market street as you did that one tuesday afternoon where we fantasized about going to greece together, about me going to st. croix and meeting your friends, the day it was physically painful for me to walk away from you, this causes me to break down if my logical, self-help part can't jump in in time. it's been over a month and my back is tense for remembering these times.
just go way or come back already.

that i think about you this much makes me think you have to be coming back. and that i think about you this much makes me think this is precisely why you are not coming back.