seriously, you little shit?

i have never defriended anyone. two days ago i decided to defriend dustin.

i like facebook. i like posting statuses, pics, etc, because i get excited about life and this is a way for me to share my excitement/brag about my awesomeness with people who may or may not care. it somehow boosts my ego, too, which im not really proud of, but whatever. however, i know dustin looks at my shit. i know this because he makes comments and refers to posted pics. and i just know. the last time i saw him i told him to stop commenting and stop sending me messages. he says, "understood." all compassionate like, like, "oh, ok, this is harder for you than this is for me. i get it. i'll respect that." implied undertone, "im cool, calm, this me+u thing was not a big deal." so he has stopped sending messages and commenting. but i know he looks.

so i quit looking at his page like a week and a half ago because it wasn't doing me any good. i used to look like once a day because i missed him so i thought finding out what he had been doing would help a little. i eventually realize it did not. so i'm trying to get over it, let go, move on. recreate life without his influence. but, even without looking at his page, i noticed that when i play on facebook there is this little, almost unconscious knowing that he is out there, maybe observing. and i dont want to be influenced by that shit. i. want. you. gone.

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part of me does not of course. i want to hold onto the magic i have previously spoken of. but the other part feels it's unhealthy and unnecessary to hold on, and is also impatient and doesnt want to hurt anymore. so is this a healthy choice or an impatient choice, im not sure. both probably.
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so i defriend. and i feel GOOD. for two days in a row. feel like im moving on. letting it go! ahh...
i come out of yoga yesterday feeling all zen and........little fucker has sent me a facebook message. of course he did. it says this:

"Well i guess the defriending speaks for itself, and i should probably know better than to message you in spite of, but it's beiber's birthday and i thought of you. enjoy the dance party. see you around i suppose...."

first typed and unsent response: "you're such a little shit. that's all i want to say for now."
my head was shaking and i smiled a little in disbelief.

then i got angry at his dis-fucking-respectful, can't-let-a-girl-move-on behavior.
second typed and unsent response: "what i wish would happen is that you were walking beside my car right now as i read your message, taking a late lunch, so i could speak at you without a filter. but you're not, and you've fucked up my good yoga mood once again, and im left to sit here and stew and sort my emotions out on my own.
i dont know exactly what the defriend says to you, but you're not dense, and you know i'm not spiteful or bitchy, so yeah, you should've known better than to send me a message.
give me some fucking room, dustin."

THAT, in my opinion, is an amazing response. i was furious. but my yoga-teaching, new fantastic friend, charlotte, said, ummm, do NOT send that. ha.

so i did not. i will say nothing. and he can sit and pretend nothing bothers him, and he's all suave and cool and mature, and it isn't driving him crazy that i dont have warm fuzzies anymore when i think about what we had. i wont sit here and wait for you to change your mind, see that im worth the risk. im going to move on. have fun doing whatever you have to do to deal with that.

i'll create my own room. if you cant grow up and admit when you're being a selfish fuck, i, once again, dont have time for you.

seriously. go away.


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as i reread his message, i wonder how unemotional he is about this. cuz it's true that it's kind of a plain ol message. and i got SO emotionally charged reading it.
maybe he doesn't care. it wasn't a big deal. and he is being nonchalant, trying to say hello to his friend.
but i feel like he should know im not feeling nonchalant. im hurt. struggling to not be affected as much as i am, to not think about him as much as i do. and therefore he should respect me. be considerate. i defriended you for crying out loud.
but people are people, and they are weak. we want and need approval and we seek it in various ways. shannon said he's a people pleaser and can't stand the idea that someone might actually get over them. maybe. whatever.
im pretending today i didn't get a message and carrying on as i was.