im housesitting downtown. it was a lovely saturday-im-sort-of-off-work day so i decided a stroll would be nice.

i love downtown charleston on a saturday morning. the homes, the streeets, the trees, the carriages cruisin by. decided i one day will have a sweet house that costs a lot of money. not huge, just sweet. in a place like downtown charleston. a house only the really lucky get to have.

i of course go down queen street toward d's house. i hope to be outside of his house and hear him strumming away on the guitar. in which case i may or may not pop my head over and say hey. i get there and sit near his house for a minute and ask myself what the hell im doing. lord, guide me heart. tell me what to do here. am i really just so unfamiliar with the inexplicable connection that comes from sleeping with someone that i am this confused about what im supposed to do with my emotions? why am i so fucking obsessed with sorting all of it out? getting it out of my head. i tried to remind myself that it wasn't just that we slept together, that there were so many things about him that i loved. mostly the way he interacted with me. not his character on paper or anything. nothing cool and quality like that. just the way 95% of his responses and actions with me were perfect.

anyway, i walk by on my way back home and i text this: strollin down queen streen and not gonna lie i was a little sad to not hear the guitar strumming.
i walk away and the song that goes, "smiiiile, tho your heart is breaking...aching..etc." is on. i have a little sway in my step and a smile on my face. im glad i texted even if he does not respond...cuz at least i did what i wanted. he responds: "there actually was some guitar strumming. does she say hi?"
i first respond and then delete: "like in real life or via text message?"
then: "i suppose she could. do you want anything from queen street grocery." also deleted.
finally: "you caught her on a good day so i suppose she could."
i then start walking back toward his house. not knowing what im going to say or do or how im going to act. his car is not in his driveway and the door is not open. i knock.
no response for too long and my heart starts pounding and i start sweating, thinking, "oh shit, he did not mean for me to come by here." im about to turn around and run awkwardly (maybe) and i get a text that says," that makes me smile ms. rager. im glad you're smiley. im working at marion square rolling cigars!!"

geez i was embarrased for my stupid presumption. that i was gonna get just what i thought i wanted. to see him. i did not respond. i feel good about that. i did walk all the way up to marion square, met up with a boy who owes me money for goodness, and then walked back. wasn't really hoping to run into him at the square just no longer had a mission and was dragging out my morning.
it did start pouring down rain before i began my 15 block walk back home so that was great.
that's what i get for being retarded and walking where i knew he was. but i'd rather know where he his tho than wonder if he's on every single street i walk down. obsessed.

by the way im logging all this shit bc i cant wait to reread the whole process after i write that im completely over it. come ON, happen already. how long is this gonna take? what are you trying to teach me universe?

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sarah told me last night (again) that she can't wait to meet my man. and that she's already prepared to be jealous.
today im sick of that idea. ohhh if you haven't met him yet just have faith. he's gonna be so wonderful. everything you ever dreamed is out there. whatever. probably not. i'm just gonna not dream about gay shit like being in love and try to find contentment in other great things. friends. work. music. nature. beauty. who the fuck needs romance? its all dumb. and im not saying that so as to trick myself or the universe into surprising me by having love-of-my-life romance show up. thats retarded, too. i think i might just die before i find my person. so i guess i dont really have a person. that's cool. whatever.