sobbed my eyes out AGAIN last night. about the same shit. but my mom is so wonderful. seriously. nobody has comforted and helped like she has in this situation, mainly because she thinks, operates, heals, on a psychological level that i operate under as well. she was able to relate. granted, she was using a "break-up" with a couple of girlfriends to do so, but it worked. she said some days she just can't believe it's over. that they were friends for twenty years and she sent a birthday card and heard no response. she said she's had to work thoughts about the relationship through multiple times over the last year. she has asked herself what she would be getting from the relationship if she had it back. decided she would have that experience of somebody really understanding her, the closeness, the comfort of just being yourself. but she would also get the experience of someone not calling her when they were in town visiting, someone who always choses another friend over her, someone who acts like she's unreasonable for wanting/needing what she does out of the friendship. and she says she doesn't really want a friendship like that.
so i asked myself what i would be getting if i had the relationship back. first thought is him looking at me, touching my face. i felt like he was crazy about me. he made me feel like he loved me, whether i acknowledged that consciously at the time. i felt beautiful. like he was intrigued and impressed. and i was myself. i did get that. i got physical affection. i got distraction. i got to feel like nothing else mattered. i got to dream and to feel like i didn't care about anything else but being close to him, learning about him. i got to be in awe at how i could feel the way i felt. and i fucking love that feeling SO much. that's what i miss.
i also would get a relationship where the guy is not ready to say that i'm the coolest thing he's ever met, that he would do anything to be with me because he realizes what i am and how lucky he is. i would also be with a guy who doesn't really go to church, smokes, believes he's going to get cancer and die early, has a family full of disorder, and goes out sometimes on a tuesday and gets hammered for no good reason. who also makes me nervous sometimes that he might be manipulating a situation to get what he wants. who has justified his reasoning somehow and his actions might be hurting someone else. someone who uses his confidence and intuition to make people feel loved but never really lets his guard down to let people in because he's afraid.
somebody who would leave me at my house when i was hurting and clearly didn't want him to go. that right there is not what i want. i want a man who will not leave. whose heart loves me so much that he could not look at my face and into my heart and know he was hurting me and do it anyway.
i went to sleep exhausted, needing jesus to hold me and rock me to sleep. to be enough. for it to be okay that i was too tired to "work it out" in my mind. i woke up with at least a small amount of faith that i WILL feel that way again. i dont necessarily want him, i just want the feeling. so if i believe that god has good things for my future, that i will feel that feeling again with someone else, then i dont need to hold on to dustin specifically. he was just a vehicle for this short season. we hold on to people because they are concrete, our experiences with them are concrete. i KNOW i can feel that way with him. i dont know about anyone else. when, where, how. but i do know god is good. and life is good. so im letting go in faith. with reluctance, yes, but im letting go. one fiber at a time...
it's not you, it's me. and its my heart. it will come alive again without you. we cannot fathom the depth of experience god can give us here. i'll hold that today.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
movement
Man what a weekend. An emotional one. Imagine that, eh?
I saw dustin Friday. I knew I would, I could feel it. I was hoping it, anyway, and of course, dually prepared to be disappointed. I saw him, hugged him, commented on his unshaven face, which I don’t like nearly as much as his bearded face. He says I look good, he’ll catch up with me later. no he wont. No he didn’t. I had the BEST time with my other company at the bar, laughing for six hours straight. Seriously, don’t know if I have ever laughed that long or that hard before, and my brothers and sister and I laugh A LOT. Anyway, this fantastic evening did not keep me from not being able to sleep for missing him. Wanting him. Wanting us back.
I sat on the piazza the next beautiful Saturday morning and painfully wished and wanted every
single person that came around the corner to be him. Then I cried like I needed to cry. Called my mother with sobs in my voice as she picked up cheerfully. She got the, “hi, moooom,” greeting, the one that probably breaks a mama’s heart. “awww, honeeeey,” was her response. She listened to me be honest about how badly I wanted to see him right then, how empty I felt, how disappointed I was. Grief is a crazy thing. You can hold it back or try to tame it, rationalize it, soften the heart squeezing with gentle logic, but sadness like that needs to be felt in order for it to move. We finally have to come to a place where we have no more juice to fight or rationalize the pain and we just let it be there. We quit judging it cuz we don’t even have the juice for that. And if we’re lucky we have someone amazing like my mother who will listen and just let us be in that place. Because THEN the magic happens.
It MOVES. Can’t explain it, can’t force it, you can’t even really make yourself feel the sadness in efforts to help it move. But if you genuinely feel it deeply, express it as you need to, and don’t judge it, it will move. No rules for how long you have to do that, or how many times, and how the gradual the move with be, but it will move. And hallelujah, mine is moving.
With my sadness came honesty and I did send him a message that morning telling him I would love to catch up sometime. He says, he prefers the any’s to the some’s. my response: when I said some I really meant like right then, and right now. A few messages ensue, but with enough time-space between them for me to continue working the grief through. so long story short, I see him Tuesday for 10 minutes. I ended up parking right near his work for a delivery and ask via texy if he, “wants to come outside and say hello to a cute blonde girl he used to know with a great ass.” Response: “phenomenal ass. Be right out.”
Im nervous but centered, feeling after all the grief im finally ready to accept and let it go. Let us go. He and we are not coming back. But that does not mean we can’t still look at each other with gratitude and remembrance for that amazing season we had together, even if getting back together is no longer an option at all. [ Sidebar: It probably never was for him, even though he said truly believed that the timing just wasn’t right and that maybe down the road we would end up together. I don’t believe he really meant it. He may have thought he did, but no.] that’s what I was hopeful for: looking at each other with respect, love, and fond memories, but no longer with hope. So my heart is pounding and im shaking a little. I ask whats been going on, he tells me lots of stories. I am excited for him, encouraging. As comfortable as I could be in the situation once he started talking. He seems sort of blah. Not excited about these things that are happening that I thought he would be stoked for. He hasn’t been working out, talked about being out of control at an oyster roast a couple of days before, and his teeth look like he’d been smoking a lot. Ha. I did not feel vulnerable. I felt observant. He seemed distant, which also could’ve been due to discomfort with the situation – I did defriend him recently, does he think I still want him so he’s trying to be distant, or, super girl analysis hopeful shit here, when he hugged me I kept it short and sweet and I felt for a second he was trying to nuzzle into my face like we always do…like we did when I ran into him on king street a while back and we hugged and comforted each other like we needed…the hug that says many words….i didnt do that this time so maybe he was bummed/noticed. So we talk 10 minutes and he doesn’t ask me one single question. Fine, but that contributed to the distance. To the awareness that we are not the same couple we were. We no longer have the same powerful connection.We are not on the same wavelength where we just love, accept, are present. I was feeling present,positive, centered, loving, okay with us being apart. He was….i don’t know…not the same. I decided, in honesty and humility, if thatcan be said here, that I/we/our connection brought out the best in him.
Surprisingly I felt good when I left. Not the same as before where I hate that we are not together and am sad that we are no longer the same. Just like, “okay. The magical place/wavelength we were on together before..im still there…he’s decided not to be there.” Not, “he’s decided he doesn’t love me,” just he decided he wants to hang out in the non-powerful place. So that’s ok.
And the fact that I felt okay about it made me feel GREAT about it. I’ve been not okay about it for too long, so this was a feeling accepted most joyously and gratefully.
Man it’s so weird tho. The last time we were together and we were talking honestly about what we had and how much we miss each other I was with the dustin I loved. Open, loving, honest, even if the truth hurt. And this guy is not the same. Does he really just change what he gives and how he’s acting based on the outcome he wants and suits him best at the moment? That’d be crazy. Cuz not enough has happened between us in the past month for him to go from our affectionate coffee shop meeting to the distant dustin he just was with authentic reason. I mean,
enough has happened for me, but he has no idea the shit my mind has put me thru for the past month. I suppose he could have met somebody else and that could do it.
Whatever. Great thing is I have (for today at least) quit thinking we will get back together. My mind never really thought that we would but my little tender heart hoped for it. Another good thing is we have opened doors of communication without so much pressure. The farmers market
reunion can or cannot happen and I am indifferent. I wont have been wondering what he’s been thinking all this time. I just assume he has not been, and im okay(ish) with that.
All these things are true, and I do feel like my heart and grief have shifted to a new place, but the crazy thing about hearts and connections is that there still is this little part of my heart that warms when I hear from him. That sighs like everything is going to be okay. My soul rests for a minute just having him near, even if it’s only a text message. A text message that still holds the reality that he does not miss me like I miss him. Today, it doesn’t even matter for some reason. Maybe because I don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking about us, I just don’t think he is, I can just miss him by myself and only miss him. Not miss and wonder. Thinking about him now and letting the memories of what I loved about him and us fill me from the inside and cover me from the outside doesn’t feel so dangerous. It feels comforting. Yes, I admit i feel like im succumbing to an addiction, but I need it. I need it right now. Just for a little while. I can only let go of so much at one time.
I saw dustin Friday. I knew I would, I could feel it. I was hoping it, anyway, and of course, dually prepared to be disappointed. I saw him, hugged him, commented on his unshaven face, which I don’t like nearly as much as his bearded face. He says I look good, he’ll catch up with me later. no he wont. No he didn’t. I had the BEST time with my other company at the bar, laughing for six hours straight. Seriously, don’t know if I have ever laughed that long or that hard before, and my brothers and sister and I laugh A LOT. Anyway, this fantastic evening did not keep me from not being able to sleep for missing him. Wanting him. Wanting us back.
I sat on the piazza the next beautiful Saturday morning and painfully wished and wanted every
single person that came around the corner to be him. Then I cried like I needed to cry. Called my mother with sobs in my voice as she picked up cheerfully. She got the, “hi, moooom,” greeting, the one that probably breaks a mama’s heart. “awww, honeeeey,” was her response. She listened to me be honest about how badly I wanted to see him right then, how empty I felt, how disappointed I was. Grief is a crazy thing. You can hold it back or try to tame it, rationalize it, soften the heart squeezing with gentle logic, but sadness like that needs to be felt in order for it to move. We finally have to come to a place where we have no more juice to fight or rationalize the pain and we just let it be there. We quit judging it cuz we don’t even have the juice for that. And if we’re lucky we have someone amazing like my mother who will listen and just let us be in that place. Because THEN the magic happens.
It MOVES. Can’t explain it, can’t force it, you can’t even really make yourself feel the sadness in efforts to help it move. But if you genuinely feel it deeply, express it as you need to, and don’t judge it, it will move. No rules for how long you have to do that, or how many times, and how the gradual the move with be, but it will move. And hallelujah, mine is moving.
With my sadness came honesty and I did send him a message that morning telling him I would love to catch up sometime. He says, he prefers the any’s to the some’s. my response: when I said some I really meant like right then, and right now. A few messages ensue, but with enough time-space between them for me to continue working the grief through. so long story short, I see him Tuesday for 10 minutes. I ended up parking right near his work for a delivery and ask via texy if he, “wants to come outside and say hello to a cute blonde girl he used to know with a great ass.” Response: “phenomenal ass. Be right out.”
Im nervous but centered, feeling after all the grief im finally ready to accept and let it go. Let us go. He and we are not coming back. But that does not mean we can’t still look at each other with gratitude and remembrance for that amazing season we had together, even if getting back together is no longer an option at all. [ Sidebar: It probably never was for him, even though he said truly believed that the timing just wasn’t right and that maybe down the road we would end up together. I don’t believe he really meant it. He may have thought he did, but no.] that’s what I was hopeful for: looking at each other with respect, love, and fond memories, but no longer with hope. So my heart is pounding and im shaking a little. I ask whats been going on, he tells me lots of stories. I am excited for him, encouraging. As comfortable as I could be in the situation once he started talking. He seems sort of blah. Not excited about these things that are happening that I thought he would be stoked for. He hasn’t been working out, talked about being out of control at an oyster roast a couple of days before, and his teeth look like he’d been smoking a lot. Ha. I did not feel vulnerable. I felt observant. He seemed distant, which also could’ve been due to discomfort with the situation – I did defriend him recently, does he think I still want him so he’s trying to be distant, or, super girl analysis hopeful shit here, when he hugged me I kept it short and sweet and I felt for a second he was trying to nuzzle into my face like we always do…like we did when I ran into him on king street a while back and we hugged and comforted each other like we needed…the hug that says many words….i didnt do that this time so maybe he was bummed/noticed. So we talk 10 minutes and he doesn’t ask me one single question. Fine, but that contributed to the distance. To the awareness that we are not the same couple we were. We no longer have the same powerful connection.We are not on the same wavelength where we just love, accept, are present. I was feeling present,positive, centered, loving, okay with us being apart. He was….i don’t know…not the same. I decided, in honesty and humility, if thatcan be said here, that I/we/our connection brought out the best in him.
Surprisingly I felt good when I left. Not the same as before where I hate that we are not together and am sad that we are no longer the same. Just like, “okay. The magical place/wavelength we were on together before..im still there…he’s decided not to be there.” Not, “he’s decided he doesn’t love me,” just he decided he wants to hang out in the non-powerful place. So that’s ok.
And the fact that I felt okay about it made me feel GREAT about it. I’ve been not okay about it for too long, so this was a feeling accepted most joyously and gratefully.
Man it’s so weird tho. The last time we were together and we were talking honestly about what we had and how much we miss each other I was with the dustin I loved. Open, loving, honest, even if the truth hurt. And this guy is not the same. Does he really just change what he gives and how he’s acting based on the outcome he wants and suits him best at the moment? That’d be crazy. Cuz not enough has happened between us in the past month for him to go from our affectionate coffee shop meeting to the distant dustin he just was with authentic reason. I mean,
enough has happened for me, but he has no idea the shit my mind has put me thru for the past month. I suppose he could have met somebody else and that could do it.
Whatever. Great thing is I have (for today at least) quit thinking we will get back together. My mind never really thought that we would but my little tender heart hoped for it. Another good thing is we have opened doors of communication without so much pressure. The farmers market
reunion can or cannot happen and I am indifferent. I wont have been wondering what he’s been thinking all this time. I just assume he has not been, and im okay(ish) with that.
All these things are true, and I do feel like my heart and grief have shifted to a new place, but the crazy thing about hearts and connections is that there still is this little part of my heart that warms when I hear from him. That sighs like everything is going to be okay. My soul rests for a minute just having him near, even if it’s only a text message. A text message that still holds the reality that he does not miss me like I miss him. Today, it doesn’t even matter for some reason. Maybe because I don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking about us, I just don’t think he is, I can just miss him by myself and only miss him. Not miss and wonder. Thinking about him now and letting the memories of what I loved about him and us fill me from the inside and cover me from the outside doesn’t feel so dangerous. It feels comforting. Yes, I admit i feel like im succumbing to an addiction, but I need it. I need it right now. Just for a little while. I can only let go of so much at one time.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
so i deleted his number. and for me to send him a facebook message....well i currently have too much pride for that, now that i have unfriended him. short text messages are about all i will do, and only when im really missing him from my heart and still feeling somewhat centered in spite of it. but anyway, im very happy i deleted his number because it sort of stops the train of thought that wonders if i should, could, would text him something. anything. so it's good.
my heart says this right now:
i miss you. pretty sure every day. part of me feels like our connection was so strong that you MUST be missing me, too. the other part tells previous part that the experience for you was totally different than it was for me, and now the break up part is totally different as well. in other words, you dont care like i do. you dont have to intentionally distract yourself like i do.
that part talks a lot. tells my heart to move on, focus on something else. you did not love me. you are unavailable and not interested.
the part that misses you deep into my heart without explanation does not believe this is true. i cant believe it yet. and maybe this is why i cant let go.
___
it is embarassing that i think of you everywhere. i relate fucking everything to you unconsciously. whyyyy? i dont like it, i WANT it to stop, but it will not. especially because you probably do not. i go to bull street on king street and i look for you. i drive down king street and cross market and i look for you. i cross fulton st and i look for you. i park near church street to make a delivery and i have to walk by your office three times. after the delivery is finally over i have a stomachache and have to take some deep breaths. imagining you walking over to my car from the middle of market street as you did that one tuesday afternoon where we fantasized about going to greece together, about me going to st. croix and meeting your friends, the day it was physically painful for me to walk away from you, this causes me to break down if my logical, self-help part can't jump in in time. it's been over a month and my back is tense for remembering these times.
just go way or come back already.
that i think about you this much makes me think you have to be coming back. and that i think about you this much makes me think this is precisely why you are not coming back.
my heart says this right now:
i miss you. pretty sure every day. part of me feels like our connection was so strong that you MUST be missing me, too. the other part tells previous part that the experience for you was totally different than it was for me, and now the break up part is totally different as well. in other words, you dont care like i do. you dont have to intentionally distract yourself like i do.
that part talks a lot. tells my heart to move on, focus on something else. you did not love me. you are unavailable and not interested.
the part that misses you deep into my heart without explanation does not believe this is true. i cant believe it yet. and maybe this is why i cant let go.
___
it is embarassing that i think of you everywhere. i relate fucking everything to you unconsciously. whyyyy? i dont like it, i WANT it to stop, but it will not. especially because you probably do not. i go to bull street on king street and i look for you. i drive down king street and cross market and i look for you. i cross fulton st and i look for you. i park near church street to make a delivery and i have to walk by your office three times. after the delivery is finally over i have a stomachache and have to take some deep breaths. imagining you walking over to my car from the middle of market street as you did that one tuesday afternoon where we fantasized about going to greece together, about me going to st. croix and meeting your friends, the day it was physically painful for me to walk away from you, this causes me to break down if my logical, self-help part can't jump in in time. it's been over a month and my back is tense for remembering these times.
just go way or come back already.
that i think about you this much makes me think you have to be coming back. and that i think about you this much makes me think this is precisely why you are not coming back.
holy weird dream
i overslept. just woke up and wanted to type this before i forget.
matt was there. we made out..in front of people. i was nervous and uncomfortable.
i had a tape recorder, my journal, it fell down a well-sort-of-thing and someone tried to help me get it out and it fell deeper. can't get it now. enter the little girl i think. little black girl.
anyway what i remember of her later, she was drinking a sierra nevada on the curb, and she's like nine, and she threw her bottle out into the street....not to be rude, but there was some beauty of creativity in the reason she did what she did. so it causes a car to crash, a young boy to be injured. noone is watching, she thinks she's the only one involved, but i see her react. i know shes afraid, but she's also diligent in trying to figure out what to do. she takes him upstairs to the hosipital, might have been an animal hospital and she somehow figures out his kidney is damaged. she decides she is going to make a kidney and put it in his body. she is not afraid at this point. she is confident. and im sort of confident with her. mystified. bc even though she isn't a certified surgeon i feel like there's something magic about her. she's got an aura that makes me feel like she's other worldly.(holy shit, i really think this is my little girl and me. or the situation with d and me) so she MAKES a kidney...something that LOOKS like one out of soggy bread. and then she goes around the hospital looking for supplies. when she gets back she puts the kid on the table...he's been wrapped up in sheet this whole time...and goes to cut. at this point i "come to," so to speak. i panic, "i can't do this. i can't watch. YOU cant do this. it's not going to work. it's not a fucking kidney! oh my god im sorry i can't witness this. you're being crazy. this isn't real!" i leave the room. sit in the other room, nervous, noticing that, wow, ive never panicked like that before. i can't believe i couldn't stay. and i can't believe i didn't just tell her to stop. that she was a child and this is NOT the way we do things. so i go back in the room after a bit and everything's all fucked up. kid is dying and she has brought in another little girl, blonde friend and has anestetized her to get her actual kidney i think. or made the blonder girl anestetize HER to get her kidney. eitherway, there's coding and waking up and it's a disaster. she tells me i have to perform the surgery. i'm like i cant i cant! in tears now i think, and i run around and get a real doctor. i know she's going to be mad and probably in trouble, but otherwise she was going to die.
in the end im back at her house with her family just sayhing hello to her mom and brothers and sisters, she says shes got medical bills out the wazoo but at least she didn't get charged for hurting this little boy for some reason. im nervous to see the little girl. she scares me now.
then i wake up.
matt was there. we made out..in front of people. i was nervous and uncomfortable.
i had a tape recorder, my journal, it fell down a well-sort-of-thing and someone tried to help me get it out and it fell deeper. can't get it now. enter the little girl i think. little black girl.
anyway what i remember of her later, she was drinking a sierra nevada on the curb, and she's like nine, and she threw her bottle out into the street....not to be rude, but there was some beauty of creativity in the reason she did what she did. so it causes a car to crash, a young boy to be injured. noone is watching, she thinks she's the only one involved, but i see her react. i know shes afraid, but she's also diligent in trying to figure out what to do. she takes him upstairs to the hosipital, might have been an animal hospital and she somehow figures out his kidney is damaged. she decides she is going to make a kidney and put it in his body. she is not afraid at this point. she is confident. and im sort of confident with her. mystified. bc even though she isn't a certified surgeon i feel like there's something magic about her. she's got an aura that makes me feel like she's other worldly.(holy shit, i really think this is my little girl and me. or the situation with d and me) so she MAKES a kidney...something that LOOKS like one out of soggy bread. and then she goes around the hospital looking for supplies. when she gets back she puts the kid on the table...he's been wrapped up in sheet this whole time...and goes to cut. at this point i "come to," so to speak. i panic, "i can't do this. i can't watch. YOU cant do this. it's not going to work. it's not a fucking kidney! oh my god im sorry i can't witness this. you're being crazy. this isn't real!" i leave the room. sit in the other room, nervous, noticing that, wow, ive never panicked like that before. i can't believe i couldn't stay. and i can't believe i didn't just tell her to stop. that she was a child and this is NOT the way we do things. so i go back in the room after a bit and everything's all fucked up. kid is dying and she has brought in another little girl, blonde friend and has anestetized her to get her actual kidney i think. or made the blonder girl anestetize HER to get her kidney. eitherway, there's coding and waking up and it's a disaster. she tells me i have to perform the surgery. i'm like i cant i cant! in tears now i think, and i run around and get a real doctor. i know she's going to be mad and probably in trouble, but otherwise she was going to die.
in the end im back at her house with her family just sayhing hello to her mom and brothers and sisters, she says shes got medical bills out the wazoo but at least she didn't get charged for hurting this little boy for some reason. im nervous to see the little girl. she scares me now.
then i wake up.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
damn. was so ready to write but lane called. and i like talking to him bc i care about him. but now im tired and dont want to write. i still feel bad cutting him off so i can go to sleep.
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went to church today for first time in a long time. it was really great. people so happy to see me, faces lighting up even. i cried the whole first half. not becuase i felt guilty or ashamed, just like, "shit, maybe what i was doing WAS wrong. and i fucked up. putting my hope in living in the present moment as opposed to putting my faith solely in jesus is why im feeling so messed up right now. feeling alive, and invigorated and in love is not the answer. it is not the way. it does not mean you are on the right path or something. it's not like wrong to do, but being in that place doesn't mean you are doing the right thing. that you wont get hurt...that part is obvious by now. if that's true then yes, i definitely fucked up. and was doing the wrooong thing. me+dustin. WRONG. man. whole time i was thinking that nothing ever felt so right in my life. now i know. or am at least considering it.
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i wanted to call my mom after church and ask her what she thought. this whole transition into casual dating came after a conference that shifted me into slightly different spiritual thinking as well. so i wanted her to help me sort out the confusion about whether this is just what a break up feels like, or if the conference led me a wrong direction that was bound to end in heartache and painful decisions, etc. and it's God's call to get me back to the right way of thinking. but my dad called instead. mom left for a week long trip today apparently. sometimes he calls when my mom is out of town and he's lonely (or obligated) and i love it. cuz i usually talk to my mom. and now i get to ask my dad his opinion on my thoughts, albeit less comfortably and with a little less detail because i dont know if he will want to get as deep as i want to get. and his opinion and perpective is almost definitely presented in a different way than my mother's would be, but it is consistently helpful. conversations with my dad at times like these make me believe that there is a god who loves me and is involved in the intricacies of my life to the extent that when i need my dad's advice instead of my mom's, he makes that happen without me knowing anything about his underworkings. i love that.
anyway, my dad reminds me that what im going through is very much a part of life, the spiritual stuff and all, we're constantly growing and learning and that maybe i need to remember that when dustin and i first got together i was still trying to get over lane. so maybe he is just what i needed to do that. that was a good reminder for me today. dustin helped assure me and moved me on from a relationship that i no longer wanted to be in. he perked up my heart in the ways i only hoped were possible. essentially confirmed that my decision to end things with lane was the right thing to do. good ol' wise, logical, wonderful, loving dad. coming through to save the day.
so i will go to sleep feeling ok.
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hey! my 60th yoga class in 58 days was today! i was so proud and happy and grateful.
afterward i did pray that the lord would allow me to send love and forgiveness to dustin without feeling so heartbroken. to tap into the love source to send good vibes without the risk of remembering what i actually loved about being together and thus feeling vulnerable and sad. and to be able to move on without having to use the technique where i imagine spitting on him telling him i hate him.
so i said this as a cool shower calmed my sweaty body and mind, "i bless you completely. i bless your relationships. your family. your next girlfriend. okay maybe that's too soon. your work. your finances. your mind. your entire body. your health. your spirituality. your relationship with god. may you come to know god. may you love yourself."
i meant it all so i'd say that's a pretty good start. thank u lord.
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went to church today for first time in a long time. it was really great. people so happy to see me, faces lighting up even. i cried the whole first half. not becuase i felt guilty or ashamed, just like, "shit, maybe what i was doing WAS wrong. and i fucked up. putting my hope in living in the present moment as opposed to putting my faith solely in jesus is why im feeling so messed up right now. feeling alive, and invigorated and in love is not the answer. it is not the way. it does not mean you are on the right path or something. it's not like wrong to do, but being in that place doesn't mean you are doing the right thing. that you wont get hurt...that part is obvious by now. if that's true then yes, i definitely fucked up. and was doing the wrooong thing. me+dustin. WRONG. man. whole time i was thinking that nothing ever felt so right in my life. now i know. or am at least considering it.
-----
i wanted to call my mom after church and ask her what she thought. this whole transition into casual dating came after a conference that shifted me into slightly different spiritual thinking as well. so i wanted her to help me sort out the confusion about whether this is just what a break up feels like, or if the conference led me a wrong direction that was bound to end in heartache and painful decisions, etc. and it's God's call to get me back to the right way of thinking. but my dad called instead. mom left for a week long trip today apparently. sometimes he calls when my mom is out of town and he's lonely (or obligated) and i love it. cuz i usually talk to my mom. and now i get to ask my dad his opinion on my thoughts, albeit less comfortably and with a little less detail because i dont know if he will want to get as deep as i want to get. and his opinion and perpective is almost definitely presented in a different way than my mother's would be, but it is consistently helpful. conversations with my dad at times like these make me believe that there is a god who loves me and is involved in the intricacies of my life to the extent that when i need my dad's advice instead of my mom's, he makes that happen without me knowing anything about his underworkings. i love that.
anyway, my dad reminds me that what im going through is very much a part of life, the spiritual stuff and all, we're constantly growing and learning and that maybe i need to remember that when dustin and i first got together i was still trying to get over lane. so maybe he is just what i needed to do that. that was a good reminder for me today. dustin helped assure me and moved me on from a relationship that i no longer wanted to be in. he perked up my heart in the ways i only hoped were possible. essentially confirmed that my decision to end things with lane was the right thing to do. good ol' wise, logical, wonderful, loving dad. coming through to save the day.
so i will go to sleep feeling ok.
---------------
hey! my 60th yoga class in 58 days was today! i was so proud and happy and grateful.
afterward i did pray that the lord would allow me to send love and forgiveness to dustin without feeling so heartbroken. to tap into the love source to send good vibes without the risk of remembering what i actually loved about being together and thus feeling vulnerable and sad. and to be able to move on without having to use the technique where i imagine spitting on him telling him i hate him.
so i said this as a cool shower calmed my sweaty body and mind, "i bless you completely. i bless your relationships. your family. your next girlfriend. okay maybe that's too soon. your work. your finances. your mind. your entire body. your health. your spirituality. your relationship with god. may you come to know god. may you love yourself."
i meant it all so i'd say that's a pretty good start. thank u lord.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
im housesitting downtown. it was a lovely saturday-im-sort-of-off-work day so i decided a stroll would be nice.
i love downtown charleston on a saturday morning. the homes, the streeets, the trees, the carriages cruisin by. decided i one day will have a sweet house that costs a lot of money. not huge, just sweet. in a place like downtown charleston. a house only the really lucky get to have.
i of course go down queen street toward d's house. i hope to be outside of his house and hear him strumming away on the guitar. in which case i may or may not pop my head over and say hey. i get there and sit near his house for a minute and ask myself what the hell im doing. lord, guide me heart. tell me what to do here. am i really just so unfamiliar with the inexplicable connection that comes from sleeping with someone that i am this confused about what im supposed to do with my emotions? why am i so fucking obsessed with sorting all of it out? getting it out of my head. i tried to remind myself that it wasn't just that we slept together, that there were so many things about him that i loved. mostly the way he interacted with me. not his character on paper or anything. nothing cool and quality like that. just the way 95% of his responses and actions with me were perfect.
anyway, i walk by on my way back home and i text this: strollin down queen streen and not gonna lie i was a little sad to not hear the guitar strumming.
i walk away and the song that goes, "smiiiile, tho your heart is breaking...aching..etc." is on. i have a little sway in my step and a smile on my face. im glad i texted even if he does not respond...cuz at least i did what i wanted. he responds: "there actually was some guitar strumming. does she say hi?"
i first respond and then delete: "like in real life or via text message?"
then: "i suppose she could. do you want anything from queen street grocery." also deleted.
finally: "you caught her on a good day so i suppose she could."
i then start walking back toward his house. not knowing what im going to say or do or how im going to act. his car is not in his driveway and the door is not open. i knock.
no response for too long and my heart starts pounding and i start sweating, thinking, "oh shit, he did not mean for me to come by here." im about to turn around and run awkwardly (maybe) and i get a text that says," that makes me smile ms. rager. im glad you're smiley. im working at marion square rolling cigars!!"
geez i was embarrased for my stupid presumption. that i was gonna get just what i thought i wanted. to see him. i did not respond. i feel good about that. i did walk all the way up to marion square, met up with a boy who owes me money for goodness, and then walked back. wasn't really hoping to run into him at the square just no longer had a mission and was dragging out my morning.
it did start pouring down rain before i began my 15 block walk back home so that was great.
that's what i get for being retarded and walking where i knew he was. but i'd rather know where he his tho than wonder if he's on every single street i walk down. obsessed.
by the way im logging all this shit bc i cant wait to reread the whole process after i write that im completely over it. come ON, happen already. how long is this gonna take? what are you trying to teach me universe?
-------------
sarah told me last night (again) that she can't wait to meet my man. and that she's already prepared to be jealous.
today im sick of that idea. ohhh if you haven't met him yet just have faith. he's gonna be so wonderful. everything you ever dreamed is out there. whatever. probably not. i'm just gonna not dream about gay shit like being in love and try to find contentment in other great things. friends. work. music. nature. beauty. who the fuck needs romance? its all dumb. and im not saying that so as to trick myself or the universe into surprising me by having love-of-my-life romance show up. thats retarded, too. i think i might just die before i find my person. so i guess i dont really have a person. that's cool. whatever.
i love downtown charleston on a saturday morning. the homes, the streeets, the trees, the carriages cruisin by. decided i one day will have a sweet house that costs a lot of money. not huge, just sweet. in a place like downtown charleston. a house only the really lucky get to have.
i of course go down queen street toward d's house. i hope to be outside of his house and hear him strumming away on the guitar. in which case i may or may not pop my head over and say hey. i get there and sit near his house for a minute and ask myself what the hell im doing. lord, guide me heart. tell me what to do here. am i really just so unfamiliar with the inexplicable connection that comes from sleeping with someone that i am this confused about what im supposed to do with my emotions? why am i so fucking obsessed with sorting all of it out? getting it out of my head. i tried to remind myself that it wasn't just that we slept together, that there were so many things about him that i loved. mostly the way he interacted with me. not his character on paper or anything. nothing cool and quality like that. just the way 95% of his responses and actions with me were perfect.
anyway, i walk by on my way back home and i text this: strollin down queen streen and not gonna lie i was a little sad to not hear the guitar strumming.
i walk away and the song that goes, "smiiiile, tho your heart is breaking...aching..etc." is on. i have a little sway in my step and a smile on my face. im glad i texted even if he does not respond...cuz at least i did what i wanted. he responds: "there actually was some guitar strumming. does she say hi?"
i first respond and then delete: "like in real life or via text message?"
then: "i suppose she could. do you want anything from queen street grocery." also deleted.
finally: "you caught her on a good day so i suppose she could."
i then start walking back toward his house. not knowing what im going to say or do or how im going to act. his car is not in his driveway and the door is not open. i knock.
no response for too long and my heart starts pounding and i start sweating, thinking, "oh shit, he did not mean for me to come by here." im about to turn around and run awkwardly (maybe) and i get a text that says," that makes me smile ms. rager. im glad you're smiley. im working at marion square rolling cigars!!"
geez i was embarrased for my stupid presumption. that i was gonna get just what i thought i wanted. to see him. i did not respond. i feel good about that. i did walk all the way up to marion square, met up with a boy who owes me money for goodness, and then walked back. wasn't really hoping to run into him at the square just no longer had a mission and was dragging out my morning.
it did start pouring down rain before i began my 15 block walk back home so that was great.
that's what i get for being retarded and walking where i knew he was. but i'd rather know where he his tho than wonder if he's on every single street i walk down. obsessed.
by the way im logging all this shit bc i cant wait to reread the whole process after i write that im completely over it. come ON, happen already. how long is this gonna take? what are you trying to teach me universe?
-------------
sarah told me last night (again) that she can't wait to meet my man. and that she's already prepared to be jealous.
today im sick of that idea. ohhh if you haven't met him yet just have faith. he's gonna be so wonderful. everything you ever dreamed is out there. whatever. probably not. i'm just gonna not dream about gay shit like being in love and try to find contentment in other great things. friends. work. music. nature. beauty. who the fuck needs romance? its all dumb. and im not saying that so as to trick myself or the universe into surprising me by having love-of-my-life romance show up. thats retarded, too. i think i might just die before i find my person. so i guess i dont really have a person. that's cool. whatever.
Friday, March 2, 2012
seriously, you little shit?
i have never defriended anyone. two days ago i decided to defriend dustin.
i like facebook. i like posting statuses, pics, etc, because i get excited about life and this is a way for me to share my excitement/brag about my awesomeness with people who may or may not care. it somehow boosts my ego, too, which im not really proud of, but whatever. however, i know dustin looks at my shit. i know this because he makes comments and refers to posted pics. and i just know. the last time i saw him i told him to stop commenting and stop sending me messages. he says, "understood." all compassionate like, like, "oh, ok, this is harder for you than this is for me. i get it. i'll respect that." implied undertone, "im cool, calm, this me+u thing was not a big deal." so he has stopped sending messages and commenting. but i know he looks.
so i quit looking at his page like a week and a half ago because it wasn't doing me any good. i used to look like once a day because i missed him so i thought finding out what he had been doing would help a little. i eventually realize it did not. so i'm trying to get over it, let go, move on. recreate life without his influence. but, even without looking at his page, i noticed that when i play on facebook there is this little, almost unconscious knowing that he is out there, maybe observing. and i dont want to be influenced by that shit. i. want. you. gone.
-----
part of me does not of course. i want to hold onto the magic i have previously spoken of. but the other part feels it's unhealthy and unnecessary to hold on, and is also impatient and doesnt want to hurt anymore. so is this a healthy choice or an impatient choice, im not sure. both probably.
-----
so i defriend. and i feel GOOD. for two days in a row. feel like im moving on. letting it go! ahh...
i come out of yoga yesterday feeling all zen and........little fucker has sent me a facebook message. of course he did. it says this:
"Well i guess the defriending speaks for itself, and i should probably know better than to message you in spite of, but it's beiber's birthday and i thought of you. enjoy the dance party. see you around i suppose...."
first typed and unsent response: "you're such a little shit. that's all i want to say for now."
my head was shaking and i smiled a little in disbelief.
then i got angry at his dis-fucking-respectful, can't-let-a-girl-move-on behavior.
second typed and unsent response: "what i wish would happen is that you were walking beside my car right now as i read your message, taking a late lunch, so i could speak at you without a filter. but you're not, and you've fucked up my good yoga mood once again, and im left to sit here and stew and sort my emotions out on my own.
i dont know exactly what the defriend says to you, but you're not dense, and you know i'm not spiteful or bitchy, so yeah, you should've known better than to send me a message.
give me some fucking room, dustin."
THAT, in my opinion, is an amazing response. i was furious. but my yoga-teaching, new fantastic friend, charlotte, said, ummm, do NOT send that. ha.
so i did not. i will say nothing. and he can sit and pretend nothing bothers him, and he's all suave and cool and mature, and it isn't driving him crazy that i dont have warm fuzzies anymore when i think about what we had. i wont sit here and wait for you to change your mind, see that im worth the risk. im going to move on. have fun doing whatever you have to do to deal with that.
i'll create my own room. if you cant grow up and admit when you're being a selfish fuck, i, once again, dont have time for you.
seriously. go away.
-----
as i reread his message, i wonder how unemotional he is about this. cuz it's true that it's kind of a plain ol message. and i got SO emotionally charged reading it.
maybe he doesn't care. it wasn't a big deal. and he is being nonchalant, trying to say hello to his friend.
but i feel like he should know im not feeling nonchalant. im hurt. struggling to not be affected as much as i am, to not think about him as much as i do. and therefore he should respect me. be considerate. i defriended you for crying out loud.
but people are people, and they are weak. we want and need approval and we seek it in various ways. shannon said he's a people pleaser and can't stand the idea that someone might actually get over them. maybe. whatever.
im pretending today i didn't get a message and carrying on as i was.
i like facebook. i like posting statuses, pics, etc, because i get excited about life and this is a way for me to share my excitement/brag about my awesomeness with people who may or may not care. it somehow boosts my ego, too, which im not really proud of, but whatever. however, i know dustin looks at my shit. i know this because he makes comments and refers to posted pics. and i just know. the last time i saw him i told him to stop commenting and stop sending me messages. he says, "understood." all compassionate like, like, "oh, ok, this is harder for you than this is for me. i get it. i'll respect that." implied undertone, "im cool, calm, this me+u thing was not a big deal." so he has stopped sending messages and commenting. but i know he looks.
so i quit looking at his page like a week and a half ago because it wasn't doing me any good. i used to look like once a day because i missed him so i thought finding out what he had been doing would help a little. i eventually realize it did not. so i'm trying to get over it, let go, move on. recreate life without his influence. but, even without looking at his page, i noticed that when i play on facebook there is this little, almost unconscious knowing that he is out there, maybe observing. and i dont want to be influenced by that shit. i. want. you. gone.
-----
part of me does not of course. i want to hold onto the magic i have previously spoken of. but the other part feels it's unhealthy and unnecessary to hold on, and is also impatient and doesnt want to hurt anymore. so is this a healthy choice or an impatient choice, im not sure. both probably.
-----
so i defriend. and i feel GOOD. for two days in a row. feel like im moving on. letting it go! ahh...
i come out of yoga yesterday feeling all zen and........little fucker has sent me a facebook message. of course he did. it says this:
"Well i guess the defriending speaks for itself, and i should probably know better than to message you in spite of, but it's beiber's birthday and i thought of you. enjoy the dance party. see you around i suppose...."
first typed and unsent response: "you're such a little shit. that's all i want to say for now."
my head was shaking and i smiled a little in disbelief.
then i got angry at his dis-fucking-respectful, can't-let-a-girl-move-on behavior.
second typed and unsent response: "what i wish would happen is that you were walking beside my car right now as i read your message, taking a late lunch, so i could speak at you without a filter. but you're not, and you've fucked up my good yoga mood once again, and im left to sit here and stew and sort my emotions out on my own.
i dont know exactly what the defriend says to you, but you're not dense, and you know i'm not spiteful or bitchy, so yeah, you should've known better than to send me a message.
give me some fucking room, dustin."
THAT, in my opinion, is an amazing response. i was furious. but my yoga-teaching, new fantastic friend, charlotte, said, ummm, do NOT send that. ha.
so i did not. i will say nothing. and he can sit and pretend nothing bothers him, and he's all suave and cool and mature, and it isn't driving him crazy that i dont have warm fuzzies anymore when i think about what we had. i wont sit here and wait for you to change your mind, see that im worth the risk. im going to move on. have fun doing whatever you have to do to deal with that.
i'll create my own room. if you cant grow up and admit when you're being a selfish fuck, i, once again, dont have time for you.
seriously. go away.
-----
as i reread his message, i wonder how unemotional he is about this. cuz it's true that it's kind of a plain ol message. and i got SO emotionally charged reading it.
maybe he doesn't care. it wasn't a big deal. and he is being nonchalant, trying to say hello to his friend.
but i feel like he should know im not feeling nonchalant. im hurt. struggling to not be affected as much as i am, to not think about him as much as i do. and therefore he should respect me. be considerate. i defriended you for crying out loud.
but people are people, and they are weak. we want and need approval and we seek it in various ways. shannon said he's a people pleaser and can't stand the idea that someone might actually get over them. maybe. whatever.
im pretending today i didn't get a message and carrying on as i was.
oops
so i wrote about matt before. then i saw him at earth fare a couple of days later and gave him a big long hug. and i felt awkward around him for the first time ever because i felt like he had read what i had written.
maybe he could feel the vibes rolling around in the universe.
oops.
maybe he could feel the vibes rolling around in the universe.
oops.
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