oh man. i really meant it when i said that space was good. i felt it, i meant it. i didn't want you to come home.
and then.
i realized you were coming home.
and i got excited. man! i couldn't fucking help it. and i couldn't fucking believe it. that about 4 hours into my monday i couldn't wait to text you. i debated. then let my caffeine buzz kick in and sent you my, "HELLO IM SO HAPPY YOURE HOME I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING I MISSED YOU DID YOU HAVE A GREAT TIME DID YOU MISS ME COME HERE NOW!" text. [it didn't say that of course. the words read what they read - simple and easy and funny - but the energy said exactly what all those capital letters say.]
and i couldn't fucking believe it. all i thought was, "dude. im crazy. how can this be? i TRULY was happy he was gone. and now i can't wait to see him. am i so ready to get back into my addict misery of love and confusion and disappointment? high and lows and hanging on by a thread? no way. but i could not help my delight. it felt so real. so true. so loving. so natural. and yet, so did my relief with him being far away. i feel "me" in both senses.
i also couldn't fucking believe today. when i saw him. well first, that i looked for him so habitually. that i had to remind myself to focus on the people that were actually sitting in front of me. that WANT to spend time with me. that are present and choosing to be present with me. the relationships that aren't complicated and intense dont cause a raucous. i glanced at that window at nearly every person that walked by and all the many navy cars that drove by and tried to pretend, even say to myself, that i wasn't. like i'd glance so quickly that i'd pretend it didn't happen...so if the person across from me would have asked if i was looking for someone i could say, no, i wasn't even looking. i was saying that to my own inner viewer....no, i wasn't even looking. that car did not specifically get my attention because it's blue, i just happened to glance. seriously, no big deal. i lied to myself for hours today. and THEN. right as i was leaving, there he is. my love. my crush. the one who makes no sense. and makes all my senses go crazy.
i think it's no big deal. because i was excited to see him instead of dreading it because he's been ignoring me and i miss him or something. and i come off completely cool i'm pretty sure. im charming and real and confident and breezy. and im not scared to tell him i missed him. the only thing that gives away what he does to me is that my hands and legs immediately start shaking. we're talkin uncontrollably. even with deep breaths and focus on other people. my whole legs shake. visibly. for A LONG TIME. this has happened 100% of the times i have been in the same room with him. isn't that wild? is it because i have so much built up energy around him that when i see him and i try to control it my body just starts twitching? haha. seriously, it blows my mind.
anyway.
i still want more. i want to hear about your trip. i want like every detail (okay maybe not every detail...). i want to know what you thought about, how you felt, how your time with the guys was, what you liked that you saw. how it felt to not work out. did you work much? how does it feel to be home? how's your shoulder? are things going to slow down a bit for you now? are you rejuvenated? i want you to come to my home and lay in my bed with your head on my chest and let me ask you questions and you just talk. talk and talk and talk and rest and be. i just want you to be with me. and then i'd like you to lose yourself in me and us as we make beautiful, sweet, dirty love. i just want some time to be with you.
that's all.
i dont know why i feel differently today than i have for the past couple of months. that i can want these things and the desire doesn't depress me. doesnt overtake me. and i dont feel insecure about myself and how you may be thinking and feeling about me. it must just be in my head. i feel secure in myself so its easier for me to say and believe what im about to say. im going to type now without a filter.
come on, nicole, you can do it.
i know you want me. i know you feel for me what i feel for you - intrigue, passion, draw. you wish you didn't want it, you pretend you dont want it or that you're just physically attracted to me. but you are drawn to my heart. my lightness. my love for you. it helps you see yourself. and it scares the shit out of you. that you might be worth something. might be worth loving exactly as you are. not the you that you show to the world, but the you that is tender, that dreams like i dream of ease and love and connectedness and peace and freedom. you feel that, and you love that and so you love me. but i am impossible. too different. too unpredictable. too challenging. i would make you be someone very different from who you are used to being. so you run. you ignore. and you pour yourself into your work and you pretend those are you priorities and your life IS how you want and THIS is what you choose and you drink and you pretend. you pretend you aren't thinking about me. you lie to yourself just like i was lying to myself today when i looked for you every four seconds. but i am here. i am not going away. i will not run from you. i will be here and i will look YOU in the face and challenge YOU to come out. not that you have to be with me, or ever even will. but i will not continue to pretend that i dont see what you are doing. or that i am crazy and making things all up in my head. i will show up. i will look you in the eyes and tenderly encourage YOU to talk to me. its just too hard for me to watch and experience otherwise. i pray i am strong enough to continue challenging you with truth and love.
and i cant help but just want one day. some lingering moments where its just you and me and whatever it is we have together. no guilt, no shame, no negative repercussions on anyone. i just want you.
#nofilter
its really hard for me not to add things like, "i know this is crazy but..." and a million other disclaimers or more logical, realistic statements. but it also feels really good to let that part speak her truth.
------
if i could:
Subject: you and me
do you know "__ ________ _______" is one of my favorite things to see? anywhere. i dont know why. i try to pretend it's just another name but i see it...in my email box, on a business card, end of an email, someone else's email, my text message screen... and it just gives me a little jolt. makes me shake my head and sigh a tiny internal sigh. the look of that name just does something to me. i just want it. i want you. i want to know you. i want to listen to you, talk to you, hold you. hear your thoughts and opinions and dreams. and share mine with you. i want you to take them and hold them and support them. and make me believe they are valued and we can do anything. i want to be yours. and i want to have the kind of passion that people only wish they had. inexplicable. palpable. challenging. fire-feeding. comforting and consuming at the same time. again, i dont know why. i just do. and i wanted you to know. in case you dont already.
can't because:
"you can't send things like that. people in movies send things like that. and they are the babysitter who is delusional or the young woman who he really loves more but will never leave his family for. and someone always finds it and shame shame shame on the girl who wrote that. she is disrespectful or a home-wrecker or needy or just dreaming. plus, every time you reach out to him lately he is nowhere to be found. thus you will be spun into a dark hole of embarrassment after you send that and he does not feel the same way and therefore thinks you're crazy."
but:
i am not those things. those things that i wrote are of my heart and soul. they are true and beautiful and meant with only love. and if he doesn't feel the same way then it doesn't really matter.
So:
maybe one day.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Sunday, June 15, 2014
The Next Six Months
i want to say im writing a book. i want to say it to speak it into existence. but i dont want saying it to disrespect people who are real writers. i mean, i may not really write a book. i just want to say i will because for some reason it gives me a sense of purpose. a, "hey, why the fuck not?" mentality. i like that mentality.
in actuality if i were really going to write a book i would probably have to have some [more] discipline and write like two three hours a day, give myself a deadline, etc. i dont really plan to do all that. and i kind of hate writing. im not a horrible writer...like with papers, speeches, etc...but i hate starting. and organizing. but i'm going to pretend im good at that part when i say to myself and this blog and my friends that i might write a book.
so im going to write a book. and it's going to be called "the next six months." and it will be about transition and paradox and what it's like to live in this mind and what it's like to live out of this mind and what it's like to feel crazy and perfect and amazing at the same time. to feel unworthy one minute and extremely capable the next. to open up to the universe and see what it has for me. this really does feel like an extremely important time in my life...and maybe one people wouldnt think to write about until after the fact. so, on the urging of my friend's very new and wonderful husband, i am going to write a book and it's going to be called "The next six months." who knows.
it's funny. i think about angela and how she's a writer and she's working on her book right now. and i feel a bit silly/copycatish saying im going to write a book. but i dont think i am. im just using it as an excuse to write more probably. it's good for me.
---------
my emotions seemed to have calmed down. i want to attribute this to some things but i also feel more and more like i dont really understand the complexity of the mind, the subconscious, human interactions, emotions, spiritual contracts, etc. so i dont really even know if attribution is necessary. but in very simple understanding i might say this has to do with coming to agreement with the folks who are buying my business, spending five days with college friends who love and accept me in all my glory, and one of my certain spiritual contracts being out of the country.
i like space from him. i really cant wait to be done with him. im tired of feeling the pull on my heart and the tendency toward madness. the blur of confusion surrounding my desire to be love and the desire to protect myself and be wise with my energy. i want to be done with nutty and done with him. i say this with calm, mind you. a few weeks ago i would have said it with sadness and desperation...and fear that he may not even be the reason i was feeling so off balance. now that he has been gone and the nutty deal is almost closed and i feel the space and i feel what it has done for me and how my energy shifts (unpleasantly) when i realize he is coming back tonight, i know it will be good when it is over. and that there is hope that i will return to homeostasis. i just have to make it through the next six months.
and i will. i am strong. i know what i need. i take care of myself. the universe is opening for me. i have been invited to play in the realm of my highest earthly potential and i have accepted the invitation. i am ready to create new beliefs that fully support me and perhaps completely redefine me. maybe it took the difficulty of these last three months (years) to get me to this place. i will choose to believe that in order to believe that the universe is benevolent and release all anger and unforgiveness.
-----------
i miss you.
i feel centered and good and inspired. lighter. connected to myself and wanting to stand on my own two feet and share me. i was surprised when i sat today feeling how i was feeling and then i wanted to share...with you. and i could feel you so clearly in my mind and heart that you would be happy that i was happy. that this me is the one that is so easy for you to love. there is beauty in that becuase, well, this is my best me i think. my favorite me. and i'd love you to love her...to want me to be that person. on the flip side, i am not always her. and you abandoned me when i was not. for whatever reasons you did so, you still left. and i needed you. or wanted you. to not have you was so painful. i tell myself it was crucial for my development. must've been somehow.
i'm not sure what my lessons are here.
embrace all of your emotions.
practice strengthening all of your self-healing tools.
trust yourself and your heart.
always speak your truth. especially to yourself.
love even when it's not reciprocated.
practice protecting yourself even when your strongest desire is to pour out your heart.
business is business.
embrace your own gifts and let others have theirs.
have empathy for those who have been in similar situations to yours.
observe the mind and train it to do what works for you.
take a breath and just do the next right thing.
stand up for what you want despite the opinions of others, including the hater inside.
dont fall in love with someone who is unavailable just because you are lonely.
your gut may tell you something, and you can go against it and it may work out, but it wont be fun.
give your energy to people who support and love you truly.
-------------------
i had a thought this morning. it wasn't the first time: he will come back. we will have reconciliation of some sort - a connection, an agreement/understanding, something. he has to. i just need to be patient. it will come.
this reconciliation would validate me, see. i guess. but what would come of it? we still wont be together. we're not even meant to be together. i just want to know that he has had some feelings about this whole thing. that he has missed me. that it has been challenging. that would validate me and make me feel less weak. like it was a MUTUAL challenge. like a big energetic soul deal and that's why i went so bonkers. if he doesn't validate me it just embarrasses me for some reason because i couldn't get it together.
i guess i should come to terms with that. love myself anyway. forgive myself for falling in love with someone who was only interested in me for 10 minutes. yikes. wish me luck with that, she said in a sarcastic tone.
in actuality if i were really going to write a book i would probably have to have some [more] discipline and write like two three hours a day, give myself a deadline, etc. i dont really plan to do all that. and i kind of hate writing. im not a horrible writer...like with papers, speeches, etc...but i hate starting. and organizing. but i'm going to pretend im good at that part when i say to myself and this blog and my friends that i might write a book.
so im going to write a book. and it's going to be called "the next six months." and it will be about transition and paradox and what it's like to live in this mind and what it's like to live out of this mind and what it's like to feel crazy and perfect and amazing at the same time. to feel unworthy one minute and extremely capable the next. to open up to the universe and see what it has for me. this really does feel like an extremely important time in my life...and maybe one people wouldnt think to write about until after the fact. so, on the urging of my friend's very new and wonderful husband, i am going to write a book and it's going to be called "The next six months." who knows.
it's funny. i think about angela and how she's a writer and she's working on her book right now. and i feel a bit silly/copycatish saying im going to write a book. but i dont think i am. im just using it as an excuse to write more probably. it's good for me.
---------
my emotions seemed to have calmed down. i want to attribute this to some things but i also feel more and more like i dont really understand the complexity of the mind, the subconscious, human interactions, emotions, spiritual contracts, etc. so i dont really even know if attribution is necessary. but in very simple understanding i might say this has to do with coming to agreement with the folks who are buying my business, spending five days with college friends who love and accept me in all my glory, and one of my certain spiritual contracts being out of the country.
i like space from him. i really cant wait to be done with him. im tired of feeling the pull on my heart and the tendency toward madness. the blur of confusion surrounding my desire to be love and the desire to protect myself and be wise with my energy. i want to be done with nutty and done with him. i say this with calm, mind you. a few weeks ago i would have said it with sadness and desperation...and fear that he may not even be the reason i was feeling so off balance. now that he has been gone and the nutty deal is almost closed and i feel the space and i feel what it has done for me and how my energy shifts (unpleasantly) when i realize he is coming back tonight, i know it will be good when it is over. and that there is hope that i will return to homeostasis. i just have to make it through the next six months.
and i will. i am strong. i know what i need. i take care of myself. the universe is opening for me. i have been invited to play in the realm of my highest earthly potential and i have accepted the invitation. i am ready to create new beliefs that fully support me and perhaps completely redefine me. maybe it took the difficulty of these last three months (years) to get me to this place. i will choose to believe that in order to believe that the universe is benevolent and release all anger and unforgiveness.
-----------
i miss you.
i feel centered and good and inspired. lighter. connected to myself and wanting to stand on my own two feet and share me. i was surprised when i sat today feeling how i was feeling and then i wanted to share...with you. and i could feel you so clearly in my mind and heart that you would be happy that i was happy. that this me is the one that is so easy for you to love. there is beauty in that becuase, well, this is my best me i think. my favorite me. and i'd love you to love her...to want me to be that person. on the flip side, i am not always her. and you abandoned me when i was not. for whatever reasons you did so, you still left. and i needed you. or wanted you. to not have you was so painful. i tell myself it was crucial for my development. must've been somehow.
i'm not sure what my lessons are here.
embrace all of your emotions.
practice strengthening all of your self-healing tools.
trust yourself and your heart.
always speak your truth. especially to yourself.
love even when it's not reciprocated.
practice protecting yourself even when your strongest desire is to pour out your heart.
business is business.
embrace your own gifts and let others have theirs.
have empathy for those who have been in similar situations to yours.
observe the mind and train it to do what works for you.
take a breath and just do the next right thing.
stand up for what you want despite the opinions of others, including the hater inside.
dont fall in love with someone who is unavailable just because you are lonely.
your gut may tell you something, and you can go against it and it may work out, but it wont be fun.
give your energy to people who support and love you truly.
-------------------
i had a thought this morning. it wasn't the first time: he will come back. we will have reconciliation of some sort - a connection, an agreement/understanding, something. he has to. i just need to be patient. it will come.
this reconciliation would validate me, see. i guess. but what would come of it? we still wont be together. we're not even meant to be together. i just want to know that he has had some feelings about this whole thing. that he has missed me. that it has been challenging. that would validate me and make me feel less weak. like it was a MUTUAL challenge. like a big energetic soul deal and that's why i went so bonkers. if he doesn't validate me it just embarrasses me for some reason because i couldn't get it together.
i guess i should come to terms with that. love myself anyway. forgive myself for falling in love with someone who was only interested in me for 10 minutes. yikes. wish me luck with that, she said in a sarcastic tone.
Monday, May 26, 2014
So many things I want to say.
I'm mad that I can't let go. Or that I haven't yet. It feels like a choice and there's a part of me that is choosing to stay stuck. This embarrasses me. (But why do that? Why not love yourself as you are instead? Love yourself no matter your emotions.).
I'm sure I will get over it soon enough. And I will look back and be amazed how things can change.
I wonder if this has been hard for him. I wonder if part of him loves me. I don't know what difference that makes. We humans. Wanting to be loved. Wanting to feel "enough."
What an amazing situation. Eight years of my life given to my business and now it finally changes. Dream coming true. I've sold my business. To someone I half fell in love with. I learned a lot I guess.
I learned mixing business with pleasure can be really, really painful.
I learned sometimes things really do work out the way you want.
I learned that if you ask for what you want, people may give it to you.
I learned that my heart is hungry for love.
I am jealous. Lonely. That I will settle for crumbs. For a while at least.
I have so many supportive, wonderful people in my life.
I still need yoga.
You never know how you will respond in a certain situation.
Life can surprise you all the time.
Keep hanging on. Even if by a thread. Eventually it will end.
I have a tendency to look forward to the future and it dampens my present moment joy.
I want a man. A partner. I want to stop looking. And I hate the mating games. I hate that I'm looking. That I'm looking around seeing which man might be the one to make me happy. That I know you "should" find all the love you need inside and yet I look anyway.
I'm mad that I can't let go. Or that I haven't yet. It feels like a choice and there's a part of me that is choosing to stay stuck. This embarrasses me. (But why do that? Why not love yourself as you are instead? Love yourself no matter your emotions.).
I'm sure I will get over it soon enough. And I will look back and be amazed how things can change.
I wonder if this has been hard for him. I wonder if part of him loves me. I don't know what difference that makes. We humans. Wanting to be loved. Wanting to feel "enough."
What an amazing situation. Eight years of my life given to my business and now it finally changes. Dream coming true. I've sold my business. To someone I half fell in love with. I learned a lot I guess.
I learned mixing business with pleasure can be really, really painful.
I learned sometimes things really do work out the way you want.
I learned that if you ask for what you want, people may give it to you.
I learned that my heart is hungry for love.
I am jealous. Lonely. That I will settle for crumbs. For a while at least.
I have so many supportive, wonderful people in my life.
I still need yoga.
You never know how you will respond in a certain situation.
Life can surprise you all the time.
Keep hanging on. Even if by a thread. Eventually it will end.
I have a tendency to look forward to the future and it dampens my present moment joy.
I want a man. A partner. I want to stop looking. And I hate the mating games. I hate that I'm looking. That I'm looking around seeing which man might be the one to make me happy. That I know you "should" find all the love you need inside and yet I look anyway.
Friday, April 11, 2014
MINE
Pretty sure I'm drunk, current.
I was for sure drunk 2 hours ago when I finally stalked the thing that gives me a glimpse of my man. And it for sure upset me as my sober and restraining self knew it would.
I was for sure drunk 2 hours ago when I finally stalked the thing that gives me a glimpse of my man. And it for sure upset me as my sober and restraining self knew it would.
It fuckin slaps me like nothing else. I don't even know why.
It could have energy in it. Energy that tells me how wrong I am.
I really don't know.
If I'm compIetely honest it makes me angry. Like who the fuck does she think she is? Following him around...taking pics of him like you're his person or something. You're a fucking joke.
That's what I want to say. And what my legitimate gut reaction is.
Isn't that bizarre? And so wrong? Seriously. I realize this.
We were married in a past life I assume. This must be true. This would explain our immediate connection and my overpowering jealousy/anger. Because I do not feel off balance. If I were off balance I might be thinking about all the random little moments we shared and think they were a big deal. Or somewhere in my mind be thinking he is the one who will make my life all I have ever dreamed it would be. But I am not and do not think these things. But when I see them together, even if it's just their cocktails sitting next to each other, I am overwhelmed with an urge to run, spit, and knock the fucking drinks over.
WHAT IS THAT?
He must know. He must feel what I feel.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Inspiracion
What are the ingredients for inspiration? I'm sure they vary, like ingredients for getting over a break up.
I bet I can list a bunch today. In this case they will be "ingredientes" because, you know, I'm in Mexico.
Start easy...
Sunshine
Vibrant natural colors that smack you in the face with their badassness. Every. Time. You see them.
Tanned toes
Amazing weather and perfect evening temperatures
Being able to share your gratitude with someone of similar heart space
People handling things you trusted (or didn't) to handle
Sun kissed hair
Natural caves only just discovered, showed off by someone with care and pride
Leather skinned Indian men running a bar on an island in Mexico.
Universal favor in the form of perfectly timed ferry rides, free shuttle buses, cute boys with boats and great accents, reposado floaters at no charge, cheap and efficient transportation
Light eyes in Mexican skin
Being given good directions
Feeling a beautiful man's passion for nature and people
Kind eyes and questions from an unsuspected source
Good surprises
Fresh, wonderful, creative food
Doing something you are scared to do
Hearing music you enjoy when you least expect it.
Friends who speak up when you are afraid to, and who don't judge you for being afraid.
Things working out better than you thought they would/could/planned.
Laying down in a quiet, comfortable bed and thinking (without trying to think it), "I have everything I need right now."
Gratitude for how nice your life/country is and how much money you have always had when you needed it
Realizing. Knowing. What you deserve and not even stopping to think if it's possible.
Adios
What is it that makes you get over someone?
What is it that make ME get over someone?
So many different things it seems. None work alone. But only one seems to work at a time. And it never feels like it's working as it's happening. Maybe they add together. Maybe there is a heart/vibrational shift. I hate that I can't write out and follow the formula. I hate that life is like that. That we just have to expeerrrrrience things sometimes. Most times. I love that life is like that. That we have to expeeeerrrience things sometimes. Most times. It's terrible painful and I'm sure somehow beautiful.
I'm grieving another today. ANOTHER. I wrote that it all caps like I'm annoyed that there is yet. afuckingnother. But I'm not really. More like, shrug. Ah, well.
another.
You know this one. He is so beautiful. I saw him a couple weeks ago and he sat in a chair while I stood in front of him. He made me a promise. One I believed and set my soul at ease. My hand touched his face without my mnd's consent and our souls rested in each other as we locked eyes. My thought: you are the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life. My word: okay.
That moment carried me for a while, and how could it not? So many intricacies in that moment. Chemical reactions, physical touch, defying logic and morals, the power of being present, this boy promising to make [one of] my dreams come true. There is nothing like that kind of happy.
But here I am today. Saying goodbye to another.
Angry. Abandoned. Afraid. Ashamed. Disappointed. And yet. Accepting.
This was bound to happen. The situation was nearly impossible. I know that. And I suppose better now that later. I just wasn't ready, I told you.
The way I saw it (from the beginning probably), this break up scenario could play out one of two ways:
1- we hang out in this relationship that makes us both feel alive and fun and full of dreams. Yet, in the back of my mind he and I are both not sure if he's a good guy because we are even in this relationship. We are also waiting for the shoe to drop. So finally I end it out of muscle and willpower because a) I decide he's not for me, or b) it starts to hurt enough that he can't go home with me at night, or c) it starts to hurt enough that he "can't" treat me the way I want to be treated, or d) I have a solid spiritual moment in which I know I'm putting my eggs in the wrong basket and believe there is someone better for me out there. (Notice I did not give option e: because it's the 'right' thing to do. That hasn't been an option since that Tuesday in his office). In a nutshell, I end it.
2- we hang out in this relationship that makes us both feel alive and fun and full of dreams. Then he ends it because (anything i say now is speculation) a) he can't stand the guilt, or b) he mostly just wanted to sleep with me and is less attracted to me now that I seem to be attainable, or c) he wants to separate business and pleasure, or d) someone happens upon our emails and puts the smack down, or e) he wants to work on his primary relationship because he realizes he and I would never work, or f) I don't fucking know why. Nutshell, he ends it.
So option two seems to be happening if I look at the lack of writing on the wall. This is a good thing. Because option one was definitely planning to drag it's feet. My feet drag even as option two was trying to happen. Believe it or not I finally had a "snap out of it moment" when I realized I was waiting waiting for an email and when it came I was ready to respond with bells on like an idiot. The waiting waiting was not new. It just used to go both ways and I knew it. Now I know he's pulling away and I also fucking know it. I WILL NOT be sitting here waiting waiting for anyone who is not doing the same. You respect me. You cherish me. You wait for me. I will demand it.
I will NOT beg for it.
You've got the wrong girl if you think I will beg you for anything.
Oh yeahhhh. So that's where I am now. Letting go of another. And today's "get over" piece is one of pride and righteous anger: who the fuck do you think you are? Do you know who the fuck I am?? Yeah. Didn't think so.
The sweet, gracious part of me that I do love so much gets to take a nap today. Let the Boss drive the bus today. Maybe through the rest of the week.
Nice Nikki: can I write a sidebar at least?
Boss: if you can do it as reflective commentary just to get it out, then yes.
Nice Nikki: ok, I'll be brief. But I'm going to be perfectly honest.
"I hope he's better than that. I hope he's confused and he's trying to be a good man and clear his head and be good to both of you. I hope he meant everything he said that Tuesday even of it doesn't work out with you/us. I hope he's never cheated on her before . I hope he's deep down so wonderful and all this tense interaction means that you guys are meant to have that one-of-a-kind-bigger-than-life sort of love. That's all. That's my piece."
Boss: I hear you. And for the sake of magic and your sweet heart I hope that's true as well. But I'll tell you right now, I doubt it. I'd say he's in your life to give you humility, money, and encouragement to keep trusting your intuition. but that's me. We'll see. But he's not trampling your heart while we wait and see.
Boom done the end.
Sunday, March 9, 2014
drugs and love
I think about you a lot. different things.
i wonder.
i laugh.
i wish.
i shame.
i try to change the subject in my mind.
i wonder what it's like to be you. i want to know what you want to do with your life. with your money. with your time and energy. what's most important to you in life? why are you striving so? are you just having fun with all your projects and businesses and dabbling? or do you feel compelled by some inexplicable or inextricable anxiety? do your parents expect a lot of you or do you? do you like your life? what makes you insecure? what do you love about your woman? are you happy? is she happy?
if you could do anything with your life what would you do? [that's the second time i typed that. i wonder if i wonder that bc i want you to say something that i would like. like that you are unhappy with your life and you are looking for a change.]
do you give away any money? [i just wondered that now for the first time and it was judgmental more than loving]
i want to know what it's like to go home with you. home, home. spending time on the couch with you. would you irritate me? are you selfish? how do you spend your downtime? do you drink a lot? do you like to talk about your day? would you ask about mine? would you confide in me, laugh with me, take comfort in me. would you have any love and attention left for me at the end of the day? what makes you laugh? what stories do you tell? do you like alone time? are you excited to see me?
i realize that these are strange things for me to wonder....but i really do want to know. yesterday i was sad because i wanted more time. i wanted to say, "wait! dont go. stay here and tell me everything. i dont care what, just, everything. i want to know you. you fascinate me." i wonder if the reason i wonder all these things so hard is because the likelihood that i will actually get my answers is very slim.
when you have a crush on someone you can usually make up all sorts of stories in your mind about what they might be like. that's why they are so powerful, crushes. because in your mind your crush can be one that makes all your dreams come true. i realize this. that infatuation and crushes are mostly made up of projected hopes and dreams.
so i wonder all these things about you, and i really do want to know. you fascinate me with your differentness that is so close and intimate with me right now. but also i want to know them because likely i wont like what i find out, or i'll see how it doesn't fit me and my crush will fade into nothingness. this crush that keeps me awake at night and gets me out of bed in the morning.
sometimes i feel like an addict. you are my drug. im saying, "ive got control of this. i only use recreationally. i know people say that withdrawal symptoms can be pretty bad, but i dont think i use enough to have problems. like one hit a day to keep me light on my feet. i swear, im not addicted. i could quit if wanted to."
i haven't wanted to yet.
----------------------
im grateful i didn't hear from you all weekend. id be lying if i didn't hope to see your name when i checked my phone various times a day. which is why im grateful. can't be havin that shit.
it was great to hope to see your name every other day this week, or not even be thinking about, and then see your name. to hope and see. fuels the addiction. hope and not see? withdrawal symptoms commence. better to start them now with you only having been in my veins a week. any longer and i might be in the clinic.
-------------------
i like to tell stories. i told my therapist this and she said we should maybe look at this next time. my quote was, "i dont know, maybe i dont want to give it up because im just bored. i like having stories to tell." [referring to the drama of being intensely attracted to someone you will never have/"shouldn't" want/wont work out]
i like the adrenaline. i like excitement. i like entertaining people with my stories. but it's kind of like telling people all day about this amazing pizza maker youre going to get and you finally found the perfect one and how it does all these things automatically and WOW it's just incredible can you believe it??? and then you go home at night and your pizza maker is still in catalog form and costs more than you could [probably] ever afford. and it's maybe a little depressing. is it worth the excitement you felt telling that story to your friends? you really convinced yourself that you might own this pizza maker, and you were so happy for a little while even just dreaming about it. [Plus, you had something to talk about with people...maybe you and your therapist should look at that btw: "I need to have stories to tell people/be interesting,..is that true?] but then you go home. and reality is...you will likely never get the pizza maker. why do that? is life really that boring? am i really that bored? and is it worth it, the "comedown"?
flip side: if i was that bored, would that be so bad? what if i am?! yeah im bored and i make up shit to get excited about and then get sad when it doesn't work out, who cares? the idea of just being neutral all the time does not always sound appealing to me. sounds BORING. i dont like to think of myself as a drama queen. but.... i guess i am.
might as well embrace it.
i am a drama queen addict. i want things i cant have.
ok then.
i love myself anyway.
and everything is perfect.
i wonder.
i laugh.
i wish.
i shame.
i try to change the subject in my mind.
i wonder what it's like to be you. i want to know what you want to do with your life. with your money. with your time and energy. what's most important to you in life? why are you striving so? are you just having fun with all your projects and businesses and dabbling? or do you feel compelled by some inexplicable or inextricable anxiety? do your parents expect a lot of you or do you? do you like your life? what makes you insecure? what do you love about your woman? are you happy? is she happy?
if you could do anything with your life what would you do? [that's the second time i typed that. i wonder if i wonder that bc i want you to say something that i would like. like that you are unhappy with your life and you are looking for a change.]
do you give away any money? [i just wondered that now for the first time and it was judgmental more than loving]
i want to know what it's like to go home with you. home, home. spending time on the couch with you. would you irritate me? are you selfish? how do you spend your downtime? do you drink a lot? do you like to talk about your day? would you ask about mine? would you confide in me, laugh with me, take comfort in me. would you have any love and attention left for me at the end of the day? what makes you laugh? what stories do you tell? do you like alone time? are you excited to see me?
i realize that these are strange things for me to wonder....but i really do want to know. yesterday i was sad because i wanted more time. i wanted to say, "wait! dont go. stay here and tell me everything. i dont care what, just, everything. i want to know you. you fascinate me." i wonder if the reason i wonder all these things so hard is because the likelihood that i will actually get my answers is very slim.
when you have a crush on someone you can usually make up all sorts of stories in your mind about what they might be like. that's why they are so powerful, crushes. because in your mind your crush can be one that makes all your dreams come true. i realize this. that infatuation and crushes are mostly made up of projected hopes and dreams.
so i wonder all these things about you, and i really do want to know. you fascinate me with your differentness that is so close and intimate with me right now. but also i want to know them because likely i wont like what i find out, or i'll see how it doesn't fit me and my crush will fade into nothingness. this crush that keeps me awake at night and gets me out of bed in the morning.
sometimes i feel like an addict. you are my drug. im saying, "ive got control of this. i only use recreationally. i know people say that withdrawal symptoms can be pretty bad, but i dont think i use enough to have problems. like one hit a day to keep me light on my feet. i swear, im not addicted. i could quit if wanted to."
i haven't wanted to yet.
----------------------
im grateful i didn't hear from you all weekend. id be lying if i didn't hope to see your name when i checked my phone various times a day. which is why im grateful. can't be havin that shit.
it was great to hope to see your name every other day this week, or not even be thinking about, and then see your name. to hope and see. fuels the addiction. hope and not see? withdrawal symptoms commence. better to start them now with you only having been in my veins a week. any longer and i might be in the clinic.
-------------------
i like to tell stories. i told my therapist this and she said we should maybe look at this next time. my quote was, "i dont know, maybe i dont want to give it up because im just bored. i like having stories to tell." [referring to the drama of being intensely attracted to someone you will never have/"shouldn't" want/wont work out]
i like the adrenaline. i like excitement. i like entertaining people with my stories. but it's kind of like telling people all day about this amazing pizza maker youre going to get and you finally found the perfect one and how it does all these things automatically and WOW it's just incredible can you believe it??? and then you go home at night and your pizza maker is still in catalog form and costs more than you could [probably] ever afford. and it's maybe a little depressing. is it worth the excitement you felt telling that story to your friends? you really convinced yourself that you might own this pizza maker, and you were so happy for a little while even just dreaming about it. [Plus, you had something to talk about with people...maybe you and your therapist should look at that btw: "I need to have stories to tell people/be interesting,..is that true?] but then you go home. and reality is...you will likely never get the pizza maker. why do that? is life really that boring? am i really that bored? and is it worth it, the "comedown"?
flip side: if i was that bored, would that be so bad? what if i am?! yeah im bored and i make up shit to get excited about and then get sad when it doesn't work out, who cares? the idea of just being neutral all the time does not always sound appealing to me. sounds BORING. i dont like to think of myself as a drama queen. but.... i guess i am.
might as well embrace it.
i am a drama queen addict. i want things i cant have.
ok then.
i love myself anyway.
and everything is perfect.
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