i couldn't sleep last night.  my throat hurt enough that it woke me up several times.  i also kept thinking i needed to do something to move on. i was with my friend laura earlier in the evening and she asked what was up with me, so i told her about lots, including you.  she was encouraging and wonderful, insightful.  she reminded me of a few things and also told me you were an idiot for letting me go.  i didn't have to DO anything.  if you want to come get me with some romantic gesture you can, but other than that, im amazing and can just move on and i dont need someone like you who is too stupid to realize that i am THE prize.

that's nice and all but i felt better when i was just appreciating you, loving you, knowing we will be fine. 

maybe.  but maybe this is the inevitable place i end up when i start thinking about you in any other terms than "i need to get over it."  this place being one where im sad, mind churning, think i need to DO something.  either call you and have one more present day with you or tell you how i have been feeling and dealing these past couple of months and therefore you need to stop bringing me breakfast and i need to pretend you are gone.

i might do that i dont know.

might need to just breathe and rest and just know im overwhelmed today.  i can shut my mind off, it's ok.

im sick, tired, overwhelmed, and hope my stomach doesn't feel weird cuz it's growing nate's baby. the other day i felt like that woulda been fine, i'd figure it out.  today i think i was being retarded and immature.  ha.  i dont want a baby right now.  yikes.  how bout that for a way to end an entry.

divine

i read something in a yoga book that said something along the lines of, "we experience a remembrance of our essential divine nature (that is joy) when we are falling in love.  everything seems brighter, the smiles come easier, nothing can dampen our mood.  we remember that we are all connected in love."

i wonder if this is a way of explaining what happened with us.

and it was too much for you.  i dont blame you.  i love that the universe is so beautiful that it could connect two people on such a deep, deep level that no one would expect.


i love you.  and release you to the care of the one who loves you even more than i.  we will be fine.

i wonder if there will be a day when i dont believe we were connected on a deep spiritual level.

you cross my mind unexpectedly and with a feeling similar to one that comes when i think about friends i have had for years.  since we haven't known each other nearly that long it's very hard to explain why i would feel that way and therefore Mind quickly tells me that i shouldn't feel that way.  that something is awry in my brain to make me think our connection would be that deep.  but today, instead of judging the feeling and believing Mind, i think i'll just wonder.  wonder if and when it will stop feeling that way.  and wonder if you feel it, too.

if i weren't afraid of being wrong i'd say with confidence i know you do.  i know you feel me.  you miss me.  you think about me regularly.  you just push it down with denial better than i do.

i think it's interesting that you have gradually over the past two weeks spent more time with me at the market.  you asked for the first time since our coffee shop meeting how I am doing.  and you listened.  you were with me for the first time in five meetings.  can't help but think it's because i am finally allowing the fibers that are wound with your soul to loosen and release some.  this reinforces the idea that you know.  you know how i feel.  you know my heart.  so even when i was not communicating with you, i was just suffering on my own, you knew it.  and it was too much pressure for you and you did not feel safe to be around me, to be present with me.  i dont blame you.  but now that i'm letting go, you feel safer.  because i feel more stable to you.

people thinking in earthly, less mystical terms would probably just attribute this to boys wanting what they can't have.  but i know better.  and i will stand by that now, even though it seems silly and scary and "out there" to do so. 

i like nate.  he makes me happy and i definitely have a crush on him.  and that feels good.  and when you and i spoke last saturday i did not feel anxious like i usually do with you.  combination of letting go, liking someone new, and you actually being there with me.  so i felt good, not needy, not missing you more than usual or anything.

then the texting:

me: "i didn't say thank you for breakfast.  but i thought it. big."
you: "your eyes and your smile said it for you, deary. ;)"

me: a sigh as i drop to sit on my cooler, cover my face as my heart squeezes. unexpectedly and suddenly my eyes well up.  i have not stopped loving you.  chris, a cute market frequenter shows up just in time to switch gears in my heart and mind.  i am grateful for this.

little by little i learn

i got the first longer than 30 seconds conversation on saturday.  during which he tells me he's not leaving the country.  great.

he loves my tattoo.  keeps thinking about it....

nate shows up at the market for a couple of hours.  we touch a lot.  having a crush on him makes me happy. he is a large reason why dustin's continued presence in this city does not scare me so much.

i go to a cooking class bridal shower the next day and eyeball the super cute chef.  hard.  we exchange numbers.  i feel like an incredible success.

nate and i go to a concert together that evening and i find him intriguing, charming, cute, sexy, good.  im getting nervous about my heart and dont know what to do about it.

i find myself wanting to talk to dustin about these other dates and how it is challenging me to open up again. i want to ask him how he feels when he is with other people.  if he ever thinks about why he and i were so great together.  if we really were this crazy, meant-to-be, perfectly-on-the-same page duo.  meant-to-be-for a short time, but meant-to-be nontheless. and perhaps other relationships may not have the initial ease that we did, but they could still have incredible power and beauty and longevity and depth.  by the initial ease i mean the perfect kisses, perfect touches, perfect looks, perfect words.  and i do mean PERFECT.  (definition: i would want them to be no different, completely and totally enjoyable).  nate and i sometimes have perfect kisses, and some of the affection is perfect, but often our kisses are just a little off.  for some reason it takes a sec to get in the right rhythm.  his touches on my face are often too firm for my taste, but i do like him touching me regardless.  i dont ever remember a kiss with dustin that didn't fit.  i dont remember a touch that didn't make my mind stop and my heart and body melt into his.  there were of course a couple mid-sex moments that were not my favorite, but cmon, he can't be THAT perfect.

 i guess my challenge to continue asking for what i need (i.e. "i like it when you...) without being afraid that person won't like me or they will get mad or leave me is still on the table, large and in charge.   maybe dustin was so perfect because my challenge at this stage of my life is to keep doing that, but relationships, and my heart, and sex are such tender sitations for me.  so in order to step out of my comfort zone and grow, i needed a nearly perfect, perceptive man for that.  at least to start.

the heartbroken aftermath was just an unavoidable residual effect.

so i guess i carry on.  continuing my practice with nate (and possibly chef JJ) to speak my mind and heart without fear. and to try my damndest not to fear the heartache again.

reminders

nate.  we need to talk about him.  that's a funny story.

tattoo.  i got one.  and we need to talk about that.

dustin.  he's leaving the country in 5 days.  hooray.

hanging in there

still! im ok!

mom (and dad) helped break the pattern i think and im so so grateful.  im being cautious with my mind of course though.  mom explained to me that im such a loving person (thanks mom) that it's unnatural for me to shut him out, to be intentional about not texting, etc. because i want him to know he's loved.  even as a friend.  but, because he got to my heart somehow it's too tender and it's dangerous to do that.  so i need to protect my lil' heart in this case even tho she wants to be generous.  so im treating my heart and mind that way, with TLC, instead of harsh words like, "this shouldn't bother me, suck it up, you'll be fine, blah blah."  amanda, my roommate explained to me that since he is no longer texting me first and/or immediately after i communicate with him it is clear i am no longer on his radar.  he is special to me, but i am not longer special to him.  that, with its matter-of-fact-ness, strangely helps stop the obsessive thinking cycle before it can begin.  angela explained that the reason he was able to move on so quickly is because men can compartmentalize more than women can.  that also helps.  dad explained, with his fantastic humor, "the fact that he was a smoker doesn't bother me.  smokers aren't so bad.  it's the short thing that bothers me.  i'll have to be like, "Look at me in the chest when you're talking to me!"
my dad is funny.

alan came by the market also.  not to see me and he may not have even stopped had i not caught his eye but whatev.  he talked to my dad some.  i talked to his ex-long-term-girlfriend, frances.  i dont think i even said anything to my dad but he brough him up later and said, "that guy alan, he seems like a very nice young man.  from a man's perspective, i would like to hear something from you, like, "it was good to see you again today," so i know you're interested."  i told him how we have been interested in each other for 3+ years but our timing sucks and i think he still has a girlfriend.  dad said, "well he may, but he is either still interested in you or he's interested in me, and i'm pretty sure it's the former.  so i sent what he told me and dad put money on the fact that he would respond.  he did.  pretty sure i'd like to marry that guy. and if i actually when on a date with him or hung out with him outside of the farmers market at all i'd want to even more.  he's dangerous.  or my person. ha.

saw lane at church also.  we have plans now to go to a kick ass old-school r&b concert in june.  he loves me and would protect me in such a good godly sort of way.  he's just good.  i love him, too.  our conversation ended with him saying, yeah, so think about getting married, let me know. he jokes, but he doesn't.  i can't commit now.  never could.  yet his purity and his love makes relationships with these other boys feel so different.  inferior somehow.  why can't i commit to him?

ran into nate the day my parents left also.  hadn't seen him since the day after a drunken sleepover on st. patty's day and hadn't communicated two days after when i responded to his friendly text with, "i'm gonna be MIA for a while.  i don't need to be getting drunk and doing things like we did the other night.  i know that sounds bad, but, yeah."  so i show up at a birthday gathering with a group of christians and there he is.  we talked after dinner.  i told him i was sorry for freaking out in a very cool, charming, why-boys-like-me sorta way.  he said he'd like to go to spain with me when i go for a month.  i think he was serious.  we went back to his house to keep conversation going.  hung out on his roof under the stars and had great conversation until we decided to stop talking.  this time i haven't freaked out.  i mean, i did decide i needed to pray every morning this week about what god wants me to do with my heart/mind/hormones, but i didn't freak out. i rather enjoyed myself.

all of this, and i am still nervous about the market saturday.  will dustin bring breakfast?  if he does what will i say?  if he doesn't will i be sad?  but im reminded of one of my little email notes from "the universe" that said, "do not make decisions, nicole, until it is time to make them."  it is indeed not time.  i'll be fine. i love me. love life. love god. all is well in my world.

YES YES YES

I'm good!  she fixed me.  multiple new techniques, time, love, magic, whatever.
im good.

we were always meant to be casual, no strings attached, easy, fun.  short-term.  somewhere in there, and for whatever reason, we both thought it might be something else.  it just so happened that he realized/remembered that was NOT true and he let it go.  took me a little while longer. (two miserable months longer, despite my best efforts.)  but today i am thrilled to just let let it be what it was.  short-term, easy, wonderful.  it was never meant to be anything but that.

sweet jesus i feel free.  and i will stay this way.  im claiming it. :)