oh heyyy.

believe it or not i am not super stressed or emotional or in love or over analyzing.  a little analyzing, sure, but that's just me.  there are boys around and involved...also just me.

hm.  junior.  jesus.  i just fantasize about that body so much.  there's something about him.  he's not totally my type, but i want dat.  i see him and he looks at me and stops what he's doing and is intrigued by me enough that it feeds my addiction.  it makes me feel good that i can stop him from doing what he's doing to come talk to me and send me his pheromones.  speaking of, i just hopped over to facebook to send someone else a quick message and saw him liking all my photos...man.  this is a prob.  i can barely talk to the guy!  i want to spend some time with him alone but honestly it could be a nightmare - conversation lulls, me pretending to be interested in random things he's saying, him not really giving a shit about what i have to say, etc.  The sex could be bad.  I could get self conscious and uncomfortable because i think about how many people he's been with and "who am i, what they heck do i know."  or i could have a shot of whiskey and be the vixen that i am.  or pretend im a sexy little virgo virgin and let him show me how things are done.  mmmm.

stay tuned.

so many feeeeelings

I want him to want me.  that's the phrase that pops into my mind when i ask myself what i want to write about...why i feel compelled to write today.

hes so beautiful.  never been so physicaly attracted to someone in my life.  (okay okay walker was up there on that list).  but this guy, its just pure sexual energy.  watching him stand there, perfect v-neck tee, tattoos peeking out, the most perfect legs, ass, calves, forearms, everything, i have ever seen.  so he doesn't come off all that smart or articulate to me, but i forget all that when he stops doing what he's doing to stare at me across the room.

he wanted me for a minute. a hot minute.  i saw, he saw, we connected, it was amazing.  i actually couldn't believe it happened.  that someone so hot would just jump at my invitation.  im still confused.  but i think this is a problem.  i think i should know at this point that i am capable of attracting incredibly sexy, smart, beautiful men.  WHY do i not believe this?  and WHY do then i feel like i attract them for a minute and then they go away?

man, i dont even really want this guy.  i know i dont.  the first real conversation we had i was like, ummm, this will never work.  i can't even hold a conversation with him. (he may or may not have been high).  but the next day he came into my work to see me and i was beside myself with surprise and flattery and hormones and didn't give a fuck about our conversational congruence.  and NOW.  i want him so bad and i feel like i am pushing him away by some power of wrong intention.  i am creating this scenario where i feel less than.  rejected.  not good enough.  for someone i didn't really want in the first place and for someone i actually kind of got for a while.  the fact that i met him and ended up at his house up against the elevator wall two days later should be story enough, right?  satisfying enough?  but its not.  i want more, i want it again.  

and im sure the little girl is driving the bus.  there's no way the energy behind this whole this is from wise woman, right?  because little girl is the one who wants more and doesn't even care what the full picture looks like.  i just want it.  

so i dont know how to make it go away.  

i suppose i just choose.  choose the higher road.  the more spiritual road.  the non-impulsive road.  but right now to me that feels sad and boring and im disappointed.  like a little girl would be.  but my adult is, too.  im sad and i want my man.  and/or i want this man.  i want to feel connected.  i want to get my desires.  to feel worthy of having a man in bed with me who is so sexy i can hardly handle it.  and i want him to be amazing all around actually.  for it to be too good to be true, but not...because it is.  and to not be afraid that my disbelief at having received my desires is going to make it going away.

im trying to control the situation and control my thoughts and intentions and feelings.  im preparing for disappointment.  but trying not to in case that will actually cause disappointment.  im trying to be my best self because that makes me feel better but also because i know that part is attractive and maybe i can reel him in.  im pretty sure my energy right now is too needy and im trying to get something from him and he can pick up on it (not consciously of course).  the night i thought i was going to get laid and did not shifted something in me.  i went from casual and wanting sex to feeling rejected and vulnerable.  didn't even know that was possible given the nature of my desires.  but something happened.  

so.  what to do now.  

char babe said, just let it sit for a minute. that feels the best to me.  she didn't say, let it go.  she said let it sit.  because i dont want to let it go.  i want to let it sit and i want it to come back.  i want to sleep in his bed, is that so wrong?  ha, he feels like he's as close as i may get to sleeping with a celebrity. haha.

but FUCK.  i say that and im hopeful that it actually may happen, but i remember how many times i really thought walker or dustin or someone was coming back or something was going to go differently that it did.  so it may not happen.  and that is disappointing.

or it may.  lord knows the intention is there.

for now i let it sit.  i listen to my heart.  i try to stay grounded. i stay light and free flowing and open to change and love.

sheesh.  crazy week.  did i mention a DIFFERENT guy sent me a message asking if he should skip surfing to have a sex marathon with me for 24 hours?  i said no.  because i have a crush on another guy, and even if he doesn't come around, my hormones wont settle for less at this point.  so i suppose thats as close as im getting to a silver lining of spiritual maturity.

Got out the computer to write but not really sure what about.
My mood likely. Even sleep deprived and having dreamt of dave, it's surprisingly better this morning than it was most of yesterday.  Probably because it gives me a feeling of accomplishment, relief, and success just getting out of bed instead of missing my alarm.  Could also because I touched my hair this morning and it didn't feel like a thick greasy, tangly, mess.  It even looked pretty in the mirror.

Nine days left.

Nine days left wondering if I will settle in more when I am not working so much.  Wondering if I will feel better when I have a chance to create a more balanced life outside of this restaurant.  Of not having enough energy to go out and see other restaurants and meet new people and see what the social life is like.  Of wondering if I like it hear and if I will stay longer than my promised three months.  To be fair also, nine days left of not spending any money because I dont have anywhere to go or anything to do.

I am trying to be appreciative of this time.  patient.  not look too hard to the future to bring me hope and peace when it takes me out of the present.  and im doing a pretty good job.  ive attributed my discomfort to a number of possible things as a way to aid in the process, to make peace with my unsettled feelings: missing my friends, being challenged by the new language and wanting to know more than i do, being suddenly responsible for an entire business (and a dog), suddenly working 16 hours a day after not working at all for a year, general perfectionism, creepy latin men, ending things with dave/being disappointed by that whole situation, having very little alone time, riding the learning curve of it all - the new business, the dog, the language, the culture, being away from my people, having a "life" somewhere that I had never been/didn't choose because it felt good being here-all of it.  So I see all these things, and recognizing them and being gentle with myself helps me not go down a "ahhh, im not happy whyyyy" path.  But I also can't help but wonder if this place just isn't for me.

Im grateful that i have a job, a job that im good at to boot, and that i get to speak way more spanish than i thought i would, and that the people i work with are lovely, and that my roommate is great, and that there's an awesome yoga studio across the street, and the jenna is here and awesome.  but something still feels a bit off and i dont know what it is.

you know this could also be a good thing.  it could be that normally i feel something similar and i just use coping mechanisms that i am accustomed to and thus never really get to the core of whats happening, or learn to just be with it as is.   So now, in a different country, a different world, i dont have my usual coping mechanisms and comforts so i am forced to deal and/or accept.

this is good.  how cuold it not be?

for real.

funny, i ended up sending the very message i wanted to send to dave a week or so later.  just condensed.  no need for fluff.  it's time.

when i suddenly found myself expressing full pigeon yoga posture yesterday (the posture of letting go, of relationships with yourself and with others) i knew it was time. and i feel so good.

home

today i kind of want to go home.  dont really know why necessarily.  just this feeling like, "if i leave here and go there i'll feel better." but would i?
like i could be home and my focus could and prob would be any number of things.
i just need to break up with dave.
i just need to get a different apartment.
i just need to find a job i like.
i just need to practice and get better at yoga.
i need to be more social.  i need to find a man.  i need to meditate more.

would that be true?  dont know.

i guess i just want to feel more like, "wow, this place is amazing.  these people, this beach, this food, this city, this whatever.  and i dont.  all sort of neutral.

but if wise woman speaks she says, "energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  feelings of exuberance happen most often when other feelings aren't using up your energy.  most of your energy right now is being spent on remembering your spanish, navigating the jeff/rebecca dynamic, and learning all the ins and outs of this business.  its the first time you've had a job in a year! you're doing great. no te preocupes."

on another note, i see myself wanting to improve all aspects of the business here.  not because they need it but because isn't that what you're supposed to do?  always improve.  always work?

the business needs to improve.  is this true?
yes.
can i absolutely know that its true?  no.
how do i feel when i believe this is true, that the business needs to improve?
i start looking for things to do.  i feel scattered.  like im trying to get motivated.  anxiousl   pressure, like jeff is going to get mad at me.  im not doing my job.  i need to work harder.
who would i be without the thought "the business needs to improve?"
i would just do th things i was told to do. focus harder on those and relax more when there's nothing to do.
turn it around.
the business does not need to improve. (or i dont need to improve it)
i need to improve.
the business needs to improve me.
no.  the business does not need to improve...and it is not my responsibility.
three examples:
1-jeff did not say, "i want you to come down here and improve my business."
2-i am not the business owner.
3-the business seems to be supporting itself.  again, its not mine, its not my responsibility.
4-jeff said, we need some help managing.  i never claimed to be good managing a restaurant.  i am good with numbers and quickbooks, thats what i said.

adios dave

so dave.

normally if i guy sends you messages frequently about how much they have a crush on you it should be flattering.  make you get a little smile on your face.  send a sweet something back.  but for the life of me i cannot seem to make this happen.  i can tolerate conversation and moderate closeness as long as things feel friendly and not uber romantic.  once they take a turn in that direction i just cant do it.  i can't respond.  and i cant figure out why.

prob because i feel bad.  i feel bad that i did have a crush on him.  i did wonder about him...who he was, what made him tick, how we would work together. i appreciated him.  was intrigued by him.  i looked at him with crush eyes.  but all the while was just feeling it out.  and i feel bad that it has faded.

i dont think i made any promises at that time.  implied my heart was in a place different than what it was.  but for some reason i feel guilt now about my heart changing.  if i didn't feel guilt i would just tell him i dont feel the same and im not interested in pursuing this further.  but im delaying.  like i did something wrong, or im trying to figure out if i did.  maybe this is just because it was so intense so fast...like real, big, honest conversations all the time.  or maybe its just because he's been so forthcoming about his feelings and stuff that it feels overwhelming.  i dont know.

what i know is if i dont think about the past and times we shared together and a bunch of "shoulds," I'd like to send this message:

hey. i want to respond to your sweet and thoughtful messages with equally sweet and thoughtful ones.  but i just can't seem to do that so i feel bad receiving yours.  i think you are an incredible person, seriously and truly, so wonderful! but something about this thing we have going isn't quite working and i need to let it go at this point.  i still love our story and all the time we have spent together, but i know this is the right thing for me.  im sorry for any disappointment, know that i am quite sad about it as well.  thank you for always treating me with such respect and care and for being so open and honest with me always.  i know that everything that has happened has been good and will continue to be so.  all my best...

shoot.  maybe ill just send that very thing.  we'll see.

Well Im here.  Here!  here?  here.

Adventure number two (give or take 5) this year.  It's an interesting thing landing in a new place far from your home.  Excitement, trepidation, quiet, curiosity, protection, courage.

I landed in Costa Rica today after an excellent flight from Chicago.  Flight was excellent due in part to being upgraded to First Class and thus awarded a full meal and several cocktails and in part to great conversation with a seasoned international traveler who had no sense or energy of needing to feel fear at visiting foreign countries and cultures.

i can write with many details right now but i want to start this blog so....

my flight over was awesome.  no fear from the lady.
seeing the palm trees and feeling my soul get happy even tho i had been sad and kind of neutral emotionally lately.
great and easy seeing jeff, old school hip hop.
restaurant and apartment are nicer than i thought.
overwhelmed a bit at managing all these ppl.
you cant fire people???
carly so awesome! taking me around.
meeting new ppl.
latin dudes sometimes freak me out.  this make me sad because i have just gotten to a place where i love looking at men.  okay lets me honest, i like eye balling and smiling and checking you out...hard.  and feeling good in my skin.  and not being afraid.  i caught my self making eye contact and then looking down because i didnt want to make an invitation.

then i remembered that when i acclimate to a new place i get quiet.  ihad no opportunity to be quiet today.  prob wont tomor.  am going to have to make it.

wheres the yoga and how soon can i go?  im beat.  then again i did have 4 cocktails before 1pm....

A new one!

I met a guy on a plane!  holy cow.

Talked for hours and I didn't want to leave when it was time.  i have seen him again!  This is pretty amazing. 

isn't it?  

i think hes beautiful.  he's got this squinty eyed smile and a salt and peppery beard and lots of hair.  (you have to take a moment to appreciate a man with a full head of hair when he's got one).  and he's kind and thoughtful.   and he has a major crush on me. 

he also has two kids.  from what ive seen of his relationship with them hes a great dad.  but SHIT, two kids?  nearly grown kids.  what the heck am i gonna do with that?

i cant decide if im pulling away from him because he's got two kids and i dont know what to do with that or for some other reason.  i can be so picky.  he texts me too much.  he's too cheesy via text.  he's too excited about me.  he's had a vasectomy.  ha.  

i dont know.  when im with him i just think hes the sweetest thing, and i want to know more.  and im attracted to him and love kissing him and love the way he touches me.  but its like he's got this whole other life that i dont really put myself in because it feels like a huge commitment and i have no idea how. and im moving.  and i dont want to live in omaha.  

i know i just met him and i dont have to commit to such things right now but his major crush on me (and maybe part of mine on him) makes me think of these things.  like, "wait a minute.  WHAT.  are we doing?"

i wish i just wanted to sleep with him and call it a day.  but i dont and i didn't and i haven't.  but i probably will.

or not.

im moody about the whole thing.  and i wish i wasn't.

but i am.  and i keep telling myself that these moods and these emotions are the guiding system of our lives and our intuition.  so if i am moody about it, maybe there's a reason.  thus, im taking it easy in the decision making department.

to end on a positive note, the whole thing is so cool no matter what.  i wrote a facebook post one year ago that said, "wanted:  a tall, bearded man who occasionally wears dark rimmed glasses whose tattoos may or may not show underneath his businessman attire.  seriously,  it's time."  well here he is.  (okay he's not super tall).  but he happens to be nicer and more thoughtful and doesn't make me wonder if he likes me or not.  

taking it for what it is...pretty wonderful.

its true

i just miss you.

-------

when new losses come up, or things change, we are reminded of other things that we have also lost.  we may have already grieved the majority of the previous loss, but its like the new loss is scraping out allll the remnants of the old....to clear another layer.  so.  (purge on..)

as i get further away from my old life and my old company, you are coming up.  i had eight years with that company and now YOU are inextricably tied to it.  so hooray.  changes with the company means i think of you.  and i miss you.

you may talk shit to other people.  act a certain way.  pretend a certain way.  but again, i will refuse to believe that you weren't affected by me.  that i didn't stop you in your tracks a little bit.  that your defenses have to come up hard so you dont love me a little.

and good.  thats good!  you have someone to be loyal to.  and good!  because your disaffection keeps me from reaching out and thus keeps me moving forward with less attachments.  letting go tendril by slow tendril.

im glad.  but im sad.  its so hard to let go of people.  to need to feel disconnected.  i mean, we are all one, right?  so i know we should feel connected, but i dont.  and that's hard.  letting go is hard.

you are still there. in the back corners.  under my skin.  pressing, present.

ive consciously tried to separate.  and yet i come back.  neural patters have yet to be destroyed i see.

i am ready for a replacement.  for the neural fibers to disintegrate.  there was a moment when i thought it was gone.  that you were gone.  that you had morphed.  longer than a moment, even.  i dont know how you came back.

did you come back because i went back? did you come back because someone forced you to come back to me when my defenses were down? you made me angry and hurt and embarrassed again.  all of these things and i still feel like if i cross your mind you just wave it away.

so.  it is.  and its ok.

my friend said, "maybe you are just purging it all."  i like this.  you are in my dreams again every night because i am getting the last bit of you out of my fibers.  im also going to say thats whats happening with my perpetually broken out face.  purge, purge, purge.  i permit, i allow, i welcome.  i welcome the pain, the memories, the disappointment, the confusion.

i just sit with it.  this is all perfect.  this life, the musings, the confusion.  there's no where to get.  no one to be.  no way to perform even.  we just are.  it is.

perfect.

i love you.

all things new

I am home.  (Sort of.)

Today is the spring equinox, a new moon, and a solar eclipse, all astrological energies that point to and support new beginnings.  This feels really good to me.

"We might call this a pivot point, a time of choosing new options and releasing the old.  It is a time for breakthroughs and insights, when we can ride the energies of change into a new future."

Ride the energies of change into a new future...What does that look like for me?

ideally it looks like letting go of insecurities and embracing self love. letting go of worry about the universe's provision and embracing peace and trust.  increasing my ability to receive freely.  feeling comfortable and grounded around all people no matter the interaction.  trusting myself.  my god.  receiving my man, my partnership with this incredible human.  letting him love me while i love him and love myself at the same time.  moving into a career that feels fulfilling and challenging and empowering.  moving into abundant financial wealth. moving into more creativity.  pulling my intuition down into my power center to express my higher will confidently.  speaking my mind clearly, but with compassion and love.  always for others and myself simultaneously.  letting go of worry about others' disappointment, dislike, or disapproval of me and instead taking care of myself fervently and consistently.

turning points.  what feels the most foreign lately is the idea of consciously choosing to let go of things when and because i know they aren't serving me.  this instead of holding on until they gradually go, (and have caused more than enough pain) or even keeping them because that is what ive always done and i dont know quite know how to just suddenly do things differently.  my example is the way i am [working on] letting go of Nutty and all things (and some people) that go along with it - checking in on them, feeling the need to maintain openness, concern, attention, assistance...even sending loving energy.  and maybe it feels so foreign because im actually doing what i need to do (taking care of myself and leaving it all alone) without horrible pain or confusion alongside of it.  Meaning i dont really miss it.  i dont feel this major struggle.  ive let it go and i feel great and it sometimes feels selfish because im putting myself first and i dont really give a shit.  my boundaries are up and it feels so good that i feel guilty sometimes.  so maybe there's a pivot point in there somehow.

and of course just choosing to really let go of any and all memories and stories of him.  or anyone or thing like him.  the things i fall so desperately in love with as "little nicole" that i think will make me happy.  and then hold on to because i think i have to in order to justify the irrationality with which i fell in love with them in the first place.  to just let it alllll go.  poof.  done.  a new beginning.

and to then be a different person.  someone who has changed but doesn't know how to articulate the means or define the result and is okay with that.  someone who can be patient and doesn't have to understand all things, others, or even herself. someone who can be quiet, who doesn't have to prove anything to anyone, to herself, or to God.  someone who is comfortable in the striving and the resting. someone who is brave enough and loves herself enough to create the life she wants, even if that means seeming to others that she is a different person today than she was yesterday.  to be open to infinite possibilities of expression, learning, and discovery.  to be a person who is comfortable with the idea that when she says she wants to let go of him and the past and all stories that dont propel her forward and she only half believes she can do that, she still says it anyway. and believes its okay.  its okay to put the intention out loosely and it is enough.

she is enough.  gentle is enough.

new beginnings.  and endings.

and beginnings.

Farewell, one

So nice when i write.  because i change so much.  and i feel so much.

i used to get annoyed with myself because i only write when im emotional.  but damn. its good to see my emotion.  see it evolve.  feel it evolve.  and feel the memories just by the words.

i cant believe i didn't write about seeing the one.  oh, how i love him.  i can see him walking around the office.  his body moving.  i just stared at him.  appreciated him.  my eyes drank him in like an aficionado would drink in the work of their hero.  i listened. i asked.  i spoke.  he listened.  the room was thick thick thick with love and passion and confusion and magic and pretending and reality knocking up against dreams.  mmm.

then the other walked in.  broke it up.  he needed to i suppose.  wish he hadn't, but knew he would.

the weirdest thing, those contrasting feelings.  because the other has been so good.  we'd had the best night (and morning).  and i really care about him.  he sees me and he really cares about me.  but the one.  (head shakes). you know how i feel about him.  and it surprised me how i felt standing there between the two of them.  that i had to have an internal battle about how i would treat my one in front of the other.  if the other knew my struggle, and what was actually going on in my brain when he walked in, he would no longer be speaking to me, im sure of it.

desires and shortcomings aside, it was farewell.  im claiming it.  and i am away and when i am away it is far, far easier.  and im about to go even further away so i pray it will get even easier.  i dont want to go back.  to the longing.  to scraping up crumbs.  he is not mine.  i will miss him, but i dont even really know him, and my soul will find another and i will forget him.  this will be but a blip.

but hopefully i will not forget what it seems the universe was so gracious enough to slap in my face: here are these two men.  two wonderful feelings you have for both of them.  the one feels warm and good and easy and like it could be enough for you.
it. is. not.
the other is too big, too rich, too beautiful, too deep and connected.  if you had never felt this, then the first just might be enough.  but you have. so it is not.

so you will wait. and keep being, and loving, and experiencing.
until you find the other.  the big, the deep, the rich, the beautiful, the deep and connected.
and he will be available and he will love you with the same love.
and you both will continue.  to be, to love, to experience.  together.