hes so beautiful. never been so physicaly attracted to someone in my life. (okay okay walker was up there on that list). but this guy, its just pure sexual energy. watching him stand there, perfect v-neck tee, tattoos peeking out, the most perfect legs, ass, calves, forearms, everything, i have ever seen. so he doesn't come off all that smart or articulate to me, but i forget all that when he stops doing what he's doing to stare at me across the room.
he wanted me for a minute. a hot minute. i saw, he saw, we connected, it was amazing. i actually couldn't believe it happened. that someone so hot would just jump at my invitation. im still confused. but i think this is a problem. i think i should know at this point that i am capable of attracting incredibly sexy, smart, beautiful men. WHY do i not believe this? and WHY do then i feel like i attract them for a minute and then they go away?
man, i dont even really want this guy. i know i dont. the first real conversation we had i was like, ummm, this will never work. i can't even hold a conversation with him. (he may or may not have been high). but the next day he came into my work to see me and i was beside myself with surprise and flattery and hormones and didn't give a fuck about our conversational congruence. and NOW. i want him so bad and i feel like i am pushing him away by some power of wrong intention. i am creating this scenario where i feel less than. rejected. not good enough. for someone i didn't really want in the first place and for someone i actually kind of got for a while. the fact that i met him and ended up at his house up against the elevator wall two days later should be story enough, right? satisfying enough? but its not. i want more, i want it again.
and im sure the little girl is driving the bus. there's no way the energy behind this whole this is from wise woman, right? because little girl is the one who wants more and doesn't even care what the full picture looks like. i just want it.
so i dont know how to make it go away.
i suppose i just choose. choose the higher road. the more spiritual road. the non-impulsive road. but right now to me that feels sad and boring and im disappointed. like a little girl would be. but my adult is, too. im sad and i want my man. and/or i want this man. i want to feel connected. i want to get my desires. to feel worthy of having a man in bed with me who is so sexy i can hardly handle it. and i want him to be amazing all around actually. for it to be too good to be true, but not...because it is. and to not be afraid that my disbelief at having received my desires is going to make it going away.
im trying to control the situation and control my thoughts and intentions and feelings. im preparing for disappointment. but trying not to in case that will actually cause disappointment. im trying to be my best self because that makes me feel better but also because i know that part is attractive and maybe i can reel him in. im pretty sure my energy right now is too needy and im trying to get something from him and he can pick up on it (not consciously of course). the night i thought i was going to get laid and did not shifted something in me. i went from casual and wanting sex to feeling rejected and vulnerable. didn't even know that was possible given the nature of my desires. but something happened.
so. what to do now.
char babe said, just let it sit for a minute. that feels the best to me. she didn't say, let it go. she said let it sit. because i dont want to let it go. i want to let it sit and i want it to come back. i want to sleep in his bed, is that so wrong? ha, he feels like he's as close as i may get to sleeping with a celebrity. haha.
but FUCK. i say that and im hopeful that it actually may happen, but i remember how many times i really thought walker or dustin or someone was coming back or something was going to go differently that it did. so it may not happen. and that is disappointing.
or it may. lord knows the intention is there.
for now i let it sit. i listen to my heart. i try to stay grounded. i stay light and free flowing and open to change and love.
sheesh. crazy week. did i mention a DIFFERENT guy sent me a message asking if he should skip surfing to have a sex marathon with me for 24 hours? i said no. because i have a crush on another guy, and even if he doesn't come around, my hormones wont settle for less at this point. so i suppose thats as close as im getting to a silver lining of spiritual maturity.
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