you are still there. in the back corners.  under my skin.  pressing, present.

ive consciously tried to separate.  and yet i come back.  neural patters have yet to be destroyed i see.

i am ready for a replacement.  for the neural fibers to disintegrate.  there was a moment when i thought it was gone.  that you were gone.  that you had morphed.  longer than a moment, even.  i dont know how you came back.

did you come back because i went back? did you come back because someone forced you to come back to me when my defenses were down? you made me angry and hurt and embarrassed again.  all of these things and i still feel like if i cross your mind you just wave it away.

so.  it is.  and its ok.

my friend said, "maybe you are just purging it all."  i like this.  you are in my dreams again every night because i am getting the last bit of you out of my fibers.  im also going to say thats whats happening with my perpetually broken out face.  purge, purge, purge.  i permit, i allow, i welcome.  i welcome the pain, the memories, the disappointment, the confusion.

i just sit with it.  this is all perfect.  this life, the musings, the confusion.  there's no where to get.  no one to be.  no way to perform even.  we just are.  it is.

perfect.

i love you.