all things new

I am home.  (Sort of.)

Today is the spring equinox, a new moon, and a solar eclipse, all astrological energies that point to and support new beginnings.  This feels really good to me.

"We might call this a pivot point, a time of choosing new options and releasing the old.  It is a time for breakthroughs and insights, when we can ride the energies of change into a new future."

Ride the energies of change into a new future...What does that look like for me?

ideally it looks like letting go of insecurities and embracing self love. letting go of worry about the universe's provision and embracing peace and trust.  increasing my ability to receive freely.  feeling comfortable and grounded around all people no matter the interaction.  trusting myself.  my god.  receiving my man, my partnership with this incredible human.  letting him love me while i love him and love myself at the same time.  moving into a career that feels fulfilling and challenging and empowering.  moving into abundant financial wealth. moving into more creativity.  pulling my intuition down into my power center to express my higher will confidently.  speaking my mind clearly, but with compassion and love.  always for others and myself simultaneously.  letting go of worry about others' disappointment, dislike, or disapproval of me and instead taking care of myself fervently and consistently.

turning points.  what feels the most foreign lately is the idea of consciously choosing to let go of things when and because i know they aren't serving me.  this instead of holding on until they gradually go, (and have caused more than enough pain) or even keeping them because that is what ive always done and i dont know quite know how to just suddenly do things differently.  my example is the way i am [working on] letting go of Nutty and all things (and some people) that go along with it - checking in on them, feeling the need to maintain openness, concern, attention, assistance...even sending loving energy.  and maybe it feels so foreign because im actually doing what i need to do (taking care of myself and leaving it all alone) without horrible pain or confusion alongside of it.  Meaning i dont really miss it.  i dont feel this major struggle.  ive let it go and i feel great and it sometimes feels selfish because im putting myself first and i dont really give a shit.  my boundaries are up and it feels so good that i feel guilty sometimes.  so maybe there's a pivot point in there somehow.

and of course just choosing to really let go of any and all memories and stories of him.  or anyone or thing like him.  the things i fall so desperately in love with as "little nicole" that i think will make me happy.  and then hold on to because i think i have to in order to justify the irrationality with which i fell in love with them in the first place.  to just let it alllll go.  poof.  done.  a new beginning.

and to then be a different person.  someone who has changed but doesn't know how to articulate the means or define the result and is okay with that.  someone who can be patient and doesn't have to understand all things, others, or even herself. someone who can be quiet, who doesn't have to prove anything to anyone, to herself, or to God.  someone who is comfortable in the striving and the resting. someone who is brave enough and loves herself enough to create the life she wants, even if that means seeming to others that she is a different person today than she was yesterday.  to be open to infinite possibilities of expression, learning, and discovery.  to be a person who is comfortable with the idea that when she says she wants to let go of him and the past and all stories that dont propel her forward and she only half believes she can do that, she still says it anyway. and believes its okay.  its okay to put the intention out loosely and it is enough.

she is enough.  gentle is enough.

new beginnings.  and endings.

and beginnings.