adios dave

so dave.

normally if i guy sends you messages frequently about how much they have a crush on you it should be flattering.  make you get a little smile on your face.  send a sweet something back.  but for the life of me i cannot seem to make this happen.  i can tolerate conversation and moderate closeness as long as things feel friendly and not uber romantic.  once they take a turn in that direction i just cant do it.  i can't respond.  and i cant figure out why.

prob because i feel bad.  i feel bad that i did have a crush on him.  i did wonder about him...who he was, what made him tick, how we would work together. i appreciated him.  was intrigued by him.  i looked at him with crush eyes.  but all the while was just feeling it out.  and i feel bad that it has faded.

i dont think i made any promises at that time.  implied my heart was in a place different than what it was.  but for some reason i feel guilt now about my heart changing.  if i didn't feel guilt i would just tell him i dont feel the same and im not interested in pursuing this further.  but im delaying.  like i did something wrong, or im trying to figure out if i did.  maybe this is just because it was so intense so fast...like real, big, honest conversations all the time.  or maybe its just because he's been so forthcoming about his feelings and stuff that it feels overwhelming.  i dont know.

what i know is if i dont think about the past and times we shared together and a bunch of "shoulds," I'd like to send this message:

hey. i want to respond to your sweet and thoughtful messages with equally sweet and thoughtful ones.  but i just can't seem to do that so i feel bad receiving yours.  i think you are an incredible person, seriously and truly, so wonderful! but something about this thing we have going isn't quite working and i need to let it go at this point.  i still love our story and all the time we have spent together, but i know this is the right thing for me.  im sorry for any disappointment, know that i am quite sad about it as well.  thank you for always treating me with such respect and care and for being so open and honest with me always.  i know that everything that has happened has been good and will continue to be so.  all my best...

shoot.  maybe ill just send that very thing.  we'll see.