So many things I want to say.

I'm mad that I can't let go. Or that I haven't yet. It feels like a choice and there's a part of me that is choosing to stay stuck. This embarrasses me. (But why do that? Why not love yourself as you are instead? Love yourself no matter your emotions.).

I'm sure I will get over it soon enough. And I will look back and be amazed how things can change.

I wonder if this has been hard for him. I wonder if part of him loves me. I don't know what difference that makes. We humans. Wanting to be loved. Wanting to feel "enough."

What an amazing situation. Eight years of my life given to my business and now it finally changes. Dream coming true. I've sold my business. To someone I half fell in love with.  I learned a lot I guess.

I learned mixing business with pleasure can be really, really painful.
I learned sometimes things really do work out the way you want.
I learned that if you ask for what you want, people may give it to you.
I learned that my heart is hungry for love.
I am jealous.  Lonely. That I will settle for crumbs. For a while at least.
I have so many supportive, wonderful people in my life.
I still need yoga.
You never know how you will respond in a certain situation.
Life can surprise you all the time.
Keep hanging on. Even if by a thread. Eventually it will end.
I have a tendency to look forward to the future and it dampens my present moment joy.
I want a man. A partner. I want to stop looking. And I hate the mating games. I hate that I'm looking. That I'm looking around seeing which man might be the one to make me happy. That I know you "should" find all the love you need inside and yet I look anyway.

MINE

Pretty sure I'm drunk, current.
I was for sure drunk 2 hours ago when I finally stalked the thing that gives me a glimpse of my man.  And it for sure upset me as my sober and restraining self knew it would. 

It fuckin slaps me like nothing else. I don't even know why. 

It could have energy in it. Energy that tells me how wrong I am. 

I really don't know. 

If I'm compIetely honest it makes me angry. Like who the fuck does she think she is? Following him around...taking pics of him like you're his person or something. You're a fucking joke. 

That's what I want to say.  And what my legitimate gut reaction is.  

Isn't that bizarre? And so wrong? Seriously.  I realize this. 

We were married in a past life I assume. This must be true. This would explain our immediate connection and my overpowering jealousy/anger.  Because I do not feel off balance. If I were off balance I might be thinking about all the random little moments we shared and think they were a big deal. Or somewhere in my mind be thinking he is the one who will make my life all I have ever dreamed it would be. But I am not and do not think these things.  But when I see them together, even if it's just their cocktails sitting next to each other, I am overwhelmed with an urge to run, spit, and knock the fucking drinks over. 

WHAT IS THAT?  

He must know. He must feel what I feel. 

Inspiracion

What are the ingredients for inspiration? I'm sure they vary, like ingredients for getting over a break up. 

I bet I can list a bunch today. In this case they will be "ingredientes" because, you know, I'm in Mexico. 

Start easy...

Sunshine

Vibrant natural colors that smack you in the face with their badassness. Every. Time. You see them. 

Tanned toes

Amazing weather and perfect evening temperatures

Being able to share your gratitude with someone of similar heart space 

People handling things you trusted (or didn't) to handle 

Sun kissed hair

Natural caves only just discovered, showed off by someone with care and pride

Leather skinned Indian men running a bar on an island in Mexico. 

Universal favor in the form of perfectly timed ferry rides, free shuttle buses, cute boys with boats and great accents, reposado floaters at no charge, cheap and efficient transportation

Light eyes in Mexican skin

Being given good directions

Feeling a beautiful man's passion for nature and people

Kind eyes and questions from an unsuspected source

 

Good surprises 

Fresh, wonderful, creative food

Doing something you are scared to do

Hearing music you enjoy when you least expect it. 

Friends who speak up when you are afraid to, and who don't judge you for being afraid. 

Things working out better than you thought they would/could/planned. 

Laying down in a quiet, comfortable bed and thinking (without trying to think it), "I have everything I need right now."

Gratitude for how nice your life/country is and how much money you have always had when you needed it

Realizing. Knowing. What you deserve and not even stopping to think if it's possible. 

Adios

What is it that makes you get over someone?

What is it that make ME get over someone?

So many different things it seems. None work alone. But only one seems to work at a time. And it never feels like it's working as it's happening.  Maybe they add together. Maybe there is a heart/vibrational shift.  I hate that I can't write out and follow the formula. I hate that life is like that. That we just have to expeerrrrrience things sometimes. Most times. I love that life is like that. That we have to expeeeerrrience things sometimes. Most times.  It's terrible painful and I'm sure somehow beautiful.

I'm grieving another today.  ANOTHER.  I wrote that it all caps like I'm annoyed that there is yet. afuckingnother. But I'm not really.  More like, shrug. Ah, well.

another.

You know this one. He is so beautiful. I saw him a couple weeks ago and he sat in a chair while I stood in front of him. He made me a promise. One I believed and set my soul at ease.  My hand touched his face without my mnd's consent and our souls rested in each other as we locked eyes. My thought: you are the single most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.  My word: okay.

That moment carried me for a while, and how could it not?  So many intricacies in that moment.  Chemical reactions, physical touch, defying logic and morals, the power of being present, this boy promising to make [one of] my dreams come true.  There is nothing like that kind of happy.

But here I am today.  Saying goodbye to another.

Angry. Abandoned. Afraid. Ashamed. Disappointed. And yet. Accepting.

This was bound to happen. The situation was nearly impossible. I know that.  And I suppose better now that later.  I just wasn't ready, I told you.

The way I saw it (from the beginning probably), this break up scenario could play out one of two ways:

1- we hang out in this relationship that makes us both feel alive and fun and full of dreams. Yet, in the back of my mind he and I are both not sure if he's a good guy because we are even in this relationship. We are also waiting for the shoe to drop.  So finally I end it out of muscle and willpower because a) I decide he's not for me, or b) it starts to hurt enough that he can't go home with me at night, or c) it starts to hurt enough that he "can't" treat me the way I want to be treated, or d) I have a solid spiritual moment in which I know I'm putting my eggs in the wrong basket and believe there is someone better for me out there. (Notice I did not give option e: because it's the 'right' thing to do.  That hasn't been an option since that Tuesday in his office).  In a nutshell, I end it.

2- we hang out in this relationship that makes us both feel alive and fun and full of dreams.  Then he ends it because (anything i say now is speculation) a) he can't stand the guilt, or b) he mostly just wanted to sleep with me and is less attracted to me now that I seem to be attainable, or c) he wants to separate business and pleasure, or d) someone happens upon our emails and puts the smack down, or e) he wants to work on his primary relationship because he realizes he and I would never work, or f) I don't fucking know why. Nutshell, he ends it.

So option two seems to be happening if I look at the lack of writing on the wall.  This is a good thing.  Because option one was definitely planning to drag it's feet. My feet drag even as option two was trying to happen. Believe it or not I finally had a "snap out of it moment"  when I realized I was waiting waiting for an email and when it came I was ready to respond with bells on like an idiot. The waiting waiting was not new. It just used to go both ways and I knew it. Now I know he's pulling away and I also fucking know it. I WILL NOT be sitting here waiting waiting for anyone who is not doing the same. You respect me. You cherish me. You wait for me. I will demand it.

I will NOT beg for it.

You've got the wrong girl if you think I will beg you for anything.


Oh yeahhhh. So that's where I am now. Letting go of another. And today's "get over" piece is one of pride and righteous anger: who the fuck do you think you are? Do you know who the fuck I am?? Yeah. Didn't think so.

The sweet, gracious part of me that I do love so much gets to take a nap today.  Let the Boss drive the bus today.  Maybe through the rest of the week.

Nice Nikki: can I write a sidebar at least?

Boss: if you can do it as reflective commentary just to get it out, then yes.

Nice Nikki: ok, I'll be brief. But I'm going to be perfectly honest.

"I hope he's better than that. I hope he's confused and he's trying to be a good man and clear his head and be good to both of you. I hope he meant everything he said that Tuesday even of it doesn't work out with you/us. I hope he's never cheated on her before .  I hope he's deep down so wonderful and all this tense interaction means that you guys are meant to have that one-of-a-kind-bigger-than-life sort of love.  That's all. That's my piece."

Boss: I hear you. And for the sake of magic and your sweet heart I hope that's true as well. But I'll tell you right now, I doubt it. I'd say he's in your life to give you humility, money, and encouragement to keep trusting your intuition.  but that's me. We'll see. But he's not trampling your heart while we wait and see.

Boom done the end.

drugs and love

I think about you a lot.  different things.
i wonder.
i laugh.
i wish.
i shame.
i try to change the subject in my mind.

i wonder what it's like to be you.  i want to know what you want to do with your life.  with your money.  with your time and energy.  what's most important to you in life?  why are you striving so?  are you just having fun with all your projects and businesses and dabbling?  or do you feel compelled by some inexplicable or inextricable anxiety?  do your parents expect a lot of you or do you?  do you like your life? what makes you insecure? what do you love about your woman? are you happy?  is she happy?
if you could do anything with  your life what would you do? [that's the second time i typed that.  i wonder if i wonder that bc i want you to say something that i would like.  like that you are unhappy with your life and you are looking for a change.]
do you give away any money? [i just wondered that now for the first time and it was judgmental more than loving]
i want to know what it's like to go home with you.  home, home.  spending time on the couch with you. would you irritate me?  are you selfish?  how do you spend your downtime?  do you drink a lot?  do you like to talk about your day?  would you ask about mine?  would you confide in me, laugh with me, take comfort in me.  would you have any love and attention left for me at the end of the day?  what makes you laugh?  what stories do you tell?  do you like alone time? are you excited to see me?

i realize that these are strange things for me to wonder....but i really do want to know.  yesterday i was sad because i wanted more time.  i wanted to say, "wait!  dont go.  stay here and tell me everything. i dont care what, just, everything.  i want to know you.  you fascinate me."  i wonder if the reason i wonder all these things so hard is because the likelihood that i will actually get my answers is very slim.  

when you have a crush on someone you can usually make up all sorts of stories in your mind about what they might be like.  that's why they are so powerful, crushes.  because in your mind your crush can be one that makes all your dreams come true.  i realize this.  that infatuation and crushes are mostly made up of projected hopes and dreams.

so i wonder all these things about you, and i really do want to know.  you fascinate me with your differentness that is so close and intimate with me right now.  but also i want to know them because likely i wont like what i find out, or i'll see how it doesn't fit me and my crush will fade into nothingness.  this crush that keeps me awake at night and gets me out of bed in the morning.

sometimes i feel like an addict.  you are my drug.  im saying, "ive got control of this. i only use recreationally.  i know people say that withdrawal symptoms can be pretty bad, but i dont think i use enough to have problems.  like one hit a day to keep me light on my feet.  i swear, im not addicted.  i could quit if wanted to."

i haven't wanted to yet.
----------------------

im grateful i didn't hear from you all weekend.  id be lying if i didn't hope to see your name when i checked my phone various times a day.  which is why im grateful.  can't be havin that shit.
it was great to hope to see your name every other day this week, or not even be thinking about, and then see your name.  to hope and see.  fuels the addiction.  hope and not see? withdrawal symptoms commence. better to start them now with you only having been in my veins a week.  any longer and i might be in the clinic.
-------------------
i like to tell stories.  i told my therapist this and she said we should maybe look at this next time.  my quote was, "i dont know, maybe i dont want to give it up because im just bored.  i like having stories to tell." [referring to the drama of being intensely attracted to someone you will never have/"shouldn't" want/wont work out]
i like the adrenaline. i like excitement.  i like entertaining people with my stories.  but it's kind of like telling people all day about this amazing pizza maker youre going to get and you finally found the perfect one and how it does all these things automatically and WOW it's just incredible can you believe it??? and then you go home at night and your pizza maker is still in catalog form and costs more than you could [probably] ever afford.  and it's maybe a little depressing.  is it worth the excitement you felt telling that story to your friends?  you really convinced yourself that you might own this pizza maker, and you were so happy for a little while even just dreaming about it. [Plus, you had something to talk about with people...maybe you and your therapist should look at that btw: "I need to have stories to tell people/be interesting,..is that true?] but then you go home.  and reality is...you will likely never get the pizza maker.  why do that?  is life really that boring? am i really that bored? and is it worth it, the "comedown"?

flip side:  if i was that bored, would that be so bad?  what if i am?!  yeah im bored and i make up shit to get excited about and then get sad when it doesn't work out, who cares?  the idea of just being neutral all the time does not always sound appealing to me.  sounds BORING.  i dont like to think of myself as a drama queen.  but.... i guess i am.

might as well embrace it.
i am a drama queen addict. i want things i cant have.
ok then.
i love myself anyway.
and everything is perfect.

W

I had a hard time today.

Talked with Dustin for an hour last night.
Then went to bed thinking about lane.
Dreamt about mike Robinette choosing to make out with me with his girlfriend in the other room.
Woke up to a Facebook message from Justin Krueger, saying he was ready for a goodbye kiss because he was finally ready to let me go. (Whaaat?)
Jay came in town and I agreed happily to go to lunch with him. Promptly canceled.
Got a call from (married) Walker and pretended I wasn't dying to see him.

All these men. Chose other women (or substances) over me.  Choose other women over me. Why do I waste any energy on them at all?
Angela probably tried to be encouraging to me about it today. I'm all "what's the harm, I don't want to be with any of them." She's all, "I've never seen anyone talk about or think about the past as much as you do. And all of these guys choose to give their commitments to other women yet still want a piece of you. And you give it to them." I kept hearing her say, "YOU NEED TO BE BETTER, STRONGER, CUT EVERYONE OUT WHO DOESNT LOVE YOU. STOP TELLING STORIES ABOUT ALL THESE STUPID GUYS."
It's hard okay?
A human can only be so strong. Can only take so much rejection before even just a little attention feels necessary and soothing to the heart.
I see the work that could be done here but sometimes it feels like too much.  Sometimes I just want to enjoy what it feels like to be attracted to someone on so many levels.  It feels GOOD. he's fucking married but it feels good. If I knew, really KNEW, that by not indulging in these feelings and by cutting out anyone who wasn't a potential life mate then I would actually meet my life mate, I would fucking do it. But I don't know. I'm human and I'm lonely and I love the tension/interaction.

On the other hand, I did previously write that I was tired of always giving to all these dudes and I was ready for someone to give to me.  And that is true. I am. And walker is not going to leave his wife and likely has a lot of issues just like everyone else and I'm left with wasted energy. He has a wife to go home to when he's done with me. Nate has his next girl. Lane has Genevieve. Dustin has booze. Jay has his girlfriend. And I just go home to me.

When will that hurt be big enough to make me have to believe enough in something better that I stop indulging at all?

Could be a life hanging thought that starts to break the pattern. Could be extreme. I don't fucking know.

It really is amazing how one can be totally in love and consumed with spending time with another human and then just....not be.

I used to love being in bed with him.
Crave it.
 I used to love kissing him, feeling his lips, his tongue, his breath, his hands. Warm. Sometimes gentle, sometimes groping and passionate. I loved both. I loved snuggling up to his back and burying my face in that little cavity between his shoulde blades. I would kiss him there, sweetly, gently, lovingly. And he would half sigh, half moan like that very action was the thing that made his soul content. No matter if we had just made love, had a long conversation, or had a fight, when I curled up behind him and kissed that spot he made would always sigh like it was the first time id ever kissed him there and he'd been longing for it and me his whole life. It gave him away. How much he wanted me. How much he cared. With my arm wrapped around him, hand on his heart, face touching the skin on his back I held him. He was mine. I loved him. And I was his. I made him happy.

I knew it was over when he stopped making that sound.

I should've known anyway.