Merry Christmas

So grateful. For my Angela who supports me wholly when i bare my heart with one brief text message. For Christi who shares her growing pains with me openly. The beautiful and the not-so-beautiful. And her allowing me to do the same. I'm thankful for gratitude and how that seems to be my spiritual rock these days. For brendon and Ben who make me feel loved. For my mom who gets me. For god who lets she and i be on the same wavelength. This is a strong understatement. I'm grateful for longstanding relationships. And for shifting ones. I'm grateful for a quiet day, for dogs to share Christmas with, and strangers who ask me what I'm writing about. I'm grateful for god showing me the way, revealing beauty in time and for me to be okay in each and every moment.

draw

the connection is powerful but subtle.  coveted. comforting.  too good to be true.
i receive.
i deserve.
i am.
he is coming.
he is here already.

i rest.
and breathe.

im not sure but i really really really hope

so i had a one night stand the other night.  never done that before.  probably wont again.  i say probably which means no guarantees.  i mean, i may be waiting a long time for my person and sometimes i get pissed and bored and attracted so....   anyway, this is not the point.  the point is i got a phone call in the middle of it from the one and only mike robinette.  my first intense, infatuated, sexy, charismatic, horribly mean-when-drunk love.  i haven't talked to him in years.  i picked up the phone of course.

i didn't think much about this until this weekend, two weeks later. 

dustin has been around.  this weekend he texted me the morning of the market telling me if i still liked the smell of booze breath i'd be in love when i saw him. [note #1: mike robinette is the reason i love that smell.]  he asked what i wanted for breakfast.  i told him i wanted something filled with love and magic.  he brings me something wonderfully delicious and actually sits down and eats it with me.  we finish eating, he goes to his stand, i text saying the wrap was quite tasty.  he responds, "best breakfast i have had in a while.  food excluded obviously."  he comes back 10 minutes later and sits and shoots the shit with me about family, thanksgiving, my new car, whatever for about 15 minutes and says he'll be back when joy comes in the afternoon so he can meet her.  this is the most he has hung out with me at the market the whole year.  [note #2:  reference previous post for how i feel when he is near.]

blah blah carry on.  i actually asked if he wanted to hang out with joy and i, he says perhaps.  i get a little buzzed up during the twilight movie and send him a quote from the movie.  he does not respond.  still hasn't.

fine.  no need.  but here's what happend.  i was bummed.  yet again. and i couldn't believe how sad he could make me just by not responding.  he gives a little, then nothing.  gives a little more, then.....nothing.  its cuz i think he's coming back...gonna be the dude i want him to be, and then his disappearance says, nope.

but over the next 2 days reminders of mike rob and our relationship floated through my brain.  how when i was with him i felt so connected and in love with him.  and couldn't figure out how it wouldn't work.  why it was wrong when it felt so good.  and i remembered the day he told me he would go to counseling/treatment and quit drinking etc and my gut thought [finally] was, "oh shit.  i dont know if i really want all this.  if this is the kind of man i want to be with."  so here's the beginning of the epiphany:

when dustin was standing with me in my tent talking about how his goal the night before was to get his 23 year old friend to black out and how he didn't understand why the guy walking by was wearing flip flops when it was 40 degrees out in his lovely judgemental way, my gut quietly nudged me.  she said, "ahem.  you don't like hanging out with people like him." 

however, my emotions and addiction to him and hope for him/us were all at high voltage so i ignored that voice. but after he disappointed me yet again and i went to yoga to calm down, the voice was clearer as she quietly spoke in the final moments of class. "you will never think it's cool to see how drunk one can get.  and you will always shoot for putting yourself in other people's shoes, for trying to be loving and accepting.  and you are respectful.  you like respectful people.  he has not made you feel good since february.  he has litearlly done nothing to make you feel good about yourself! he shows up, doesn't let you let go, but he doesn't make you feel good about yourself.  you have been holding on to the feeling, to the parts of him you do love.  but it would be an uphill battle to make him be the kind of person you really want to be around.  to be inspired by.  and why should you force him to be something he's not?"  She's right.  My wise woman knows.  As harsh as it sounds, I dont like people like him. (of course this is on the human level, not the soul-level).

I am trying not to let my monkey mind/self-blame start analyzing why we got together in the first place then.  because it's true that i have always avoided starting relationships for this very reason.  if you date people that from the beginning you know aren't really your type, you run the risk of falling for someone you weren't really compatible with in the first place and getting all broken hearted [stupidly].  but i know that at the time he was just what i wanted.  he was just what i needed.  and he made me so happy for a little while.  he was beautiful and we were beautiful.  and he taught me to be honest despite my fears.  but im ready to let go.  i think the final piece is in place.  im not letting go because i should and because he can't/doesn't want to be with me.  i'm letting go because the man he has shown himself to truly be by his perpetual choices over the past 8 months, i do not want to be with.

so i will wait in excited anticipation for the one i do.

goodbye dustin.

chaos

you take me to this place that makes me lose it.
makes me lose sight of anything else going on in my heart and mind that does not concern you.
it makes my heart hungry yet satisfied.  alive with feeling.  content like all is right with the world and this moment is all there is. yet i am teetering on a precipice with ecstasy on one side and devastation and chaos on the other.
a fine line divides ecstasy and chaos.  properties of being out of control are evident in both. one, bliss, the other, [can be] hell.
i dont feel like myself around you because i am in this other place.  but im instantly drawn to this place so i dont know how i got there, i just know i am there. so it must be myself.  it must be true.  truer than me normally?  or the opposite?
then when you leave it is as if i am spun in a whirlwind and i dont know where i was, what i was just feeling, what i was saying.  am i crazy?
if im honest it's not just when you leave.  it's more when i reach out from a hopeful (often drink induced) place and you dont respond.
it is then i feel as if i am the yo-yo on the end of a string and your departing is the action that flicks me back up my string, rolling rolling spinning spinning getting dizzy.....then i get let out again.  and i dangle there.

and i say, what the fuck was that?

accepting what is

what is:

i feel as though i have been broken up with.  i feel slow, sad, unmotivated, in a daze.  as if something completely devastating has happened and i have no energy to think or motivate myself to be positive.

nothing devastating has happened so i am confused.

it is sometimes easier to accept the reality of your situation than your emotions about the situation.

i saw dustin couple of weeks ago.  we talked for 3 hours.  i said everything i have ever wanted to say and asked (most) everything i ever wanted to ask.  he enlightened me.  i left and felt exhilarated and sad at the same time.  because when he lets his guard down i get to see him.  and i love him still.  so i am so grateful that i got the opportunity to see him and be with him but it is so sad and confusing and disappointing to look at someone and love them like that and then...nothing.  he wont call. (probably.)  he's not coming back.  (i dont think...but maybe.)  so what is the point of feeling this way about someone if you dont get to live in that feeling?  and express it and share it?  it is so frustrating to me.  because i feel as though those feelings should not exist without reason.  especially as an adult.

i try to be realistic and optimistic about us at the same time.  this is a struggle for me.  i did run into him two days later twenty minutes after he texted me, "saturday was good, nicole. have a happy day." i thanked him for the talk.  and then texted after he left, "just let me know when you're ready for me to stop dating other people."  i got a jumbo smiley face in return.

so fuck, im trying to wait.  trying to believe he's coming back.  cuz i want to believe!  but i also told liz i thought he would text me 2 weeks after our meeting and then something magical, dustin related or not, mostly just heart related, would happen by christmas.  and the two week period ended yesterday.  no word from my love.  so i then doubt my intution.  doubt myself. 

there are two opposing feelings.  the one that comes from the encouraging universe that says, keep your head up little girl, give it just a little longer, he's coming back.  stop worrying!  that one actually makes me happy.  makes me want to quit worrying.  and you, know, even if he didn't, and something else lovely came up for me, at least i wouldn't have spent the time worrying.  the other is the parent-type universe that is looking at me like, poor kid doesn't know what's good for her.  she is pining after this thing that is so not good for her.  like a kid who wants candy bars for breakfast. and it's so clear he's not coming back.  why doesn't she see it?  its doing her no good to keep waiting for him.  i wish she would let this go. 

but what's wrong with using unrealistic optimism to bring peace in the moment?  i suppose the downside is obvious right now.  when it doesn't work out you feel as though something devastating has happened and you cant get motivated to do anything.

someone just come get me.  come romance me and let's look in each other eyes so deeply we fly out into the abyss of la-la land and let it's perfection fuel us enough that we can handle anything in this world.  forever.

maybe im not even sad about dustin.  im just in a fuckin weird mood, depressed, quiet, stilled and stalled and im just trying to come up with a reason, so i blame my broken heart.  i have been known to be a meaning-making machine.

i want my person.

"i hope you never come my way again. i mean it and i feel this may be possible now since i am truly ready to let it go."

i wrote that in July.  and i meant it as far as i know.  i wonder why it wont go away.  how i have "let go" like three different times.  am i sabotaging my development somehow?  fuck that.  i do what i do and everything is perfect.  i am perfect.

rich, deep calm

to marsha,

ive missed you! so much to catch you up on. wanted to say hello and tell you i was thinking of you. and im doing GREAT.

just got back from transformational breathwork seminar with my mom in tahoe. in a nutshell, it was wonderful. hard of course but the lightness i feel makes it worth the work. actually walked up to ol' dusty boy yesterday at the market, which i have never done, and gave him an unsolicited hello/hug. there was a solid exchange of forgiveness, acceptance, and gratitude through the eyeballs in both directions. that was my perception anyway and what i was giving out. did a fair amount of work at the seminar around him and really finally feel in my heart that i cant be mad at him because he's not where i wish he would be. it's his journey to walk and he's got every right to be whereever he wants and needs to be. i've been saying that forever but all the breathwork finally "integrated" it i think so i actually feel that now.

feelin grounded, positive, peaceful, JOY. :)

had the thought of going to school here in charleston next fall (instead of say, seattle or chicago) to get my masters in counseling while STILL maintaining nutty g (now that it's easier to run). and until then i could continue to practice yoga and do some teacher trainings so that eventually i could have my own counseling practice and incorporate private yoga lessons as well. good idea huh?! makes me excited. soo i think my costa rica trip in february will now include 3 weeks of yoga teacher training.

also i feel i understand spirituality/god differently now. it is clear(er) to me how if god/source is perfect energy/creativity/beauty/love/abundance then it is indeed possible to manifest beauty/love/abundace/goodness in our lives now if we can try to get our emotions and thoughts vibrating on a clearer/more positive level so that source's energy can come through that emotional and mental filter without so much interruption. in other words, if source's energy is coming thru us to manifest a physical reality and it's coming thru a scrambled filter, it may manifest some not so pleasant physicalities and vice versa. someone drew a diagram and it just made sense to me :) anyway, i feel REALLY happy about that bc i've been confused about who im praying to and all that jazz for almost a year now.

so again, feeling grounded, positive, peaceful. and im really practicing accepting what IS in the very present moment and as immediately as possible. i dig it. and i think that breath/bodywork moved some old beliefs and patterns that were ready to go. finally! like not really believeing it was okay to be truly joyful and content without also being afraid of when that contentment was going to end...or what might happen in the future to throw me off.

i am okay. all life's good is coming to me. i may never find a mate, i may get married in 6 months. i may sell nutty goodness for a lot of money or i may keep it exactly the same size until im ready to give it away. who knows? but i wont be missing out on anything. life is one big hot tub of delicious, soothing, supporting water holding me up. i just get to cruise and enjoy. :)

i sound good huh? ha.

yeah so i wont be needing your services anymore. naaaaah just kidding!! neverrrr

okay thats my update. talk to you soon, you gem of a woman.

hugs

n

been a while eh?  and i feel like there's actually been a lot i wanted to write about but have been having a hard time focusing on work and when im actually sitting AT work looking at this computer,. writing, instead of doing actual WORK i feel a little too guilty sometimes.

but it's been a while and im not focusing anyway and want to write about why in hopes of letting it go and getting back to work.

got overwhelmed all of a sudden.  tom handed me a fucking "proposal" for a raise.  which is great.  he deserves one.  i was thinking about it anyway.  and it was very well written. but for some reason i got tense in my neck and shoulders and started staring straight ahead.  getting angry.  wanting to look suddenly at dustin's fb page to distract me and/or eat some of the trail mix in the corner.  thoughts saying things like, "see, here it is.  as soon as you get ahead money goes out the door. you are never going to catch up.  you will always be struggling.  you'll never be able to figure out how to make more money in this business or you will at least never be motivated enough to do it.  and even if you do know how and are motivated for whatever reason you will hate doing whatever it is that you have to do. and then someone will come in and ask you for more fucking money."

there's another trained thought that says, "let it go.  think about it tomorrow.  keep doing what you were doing.  who knows, things just may work out.  those thoughts may not be true."

i guess that's what im going to do now.  ugh.