so i deleted his number. and for me to send him a facebook message....well i currently have too much pride for that, now that i have unfriended him. short text messages are about all i will do, and only when im really missing him from my heart and still feeling somewhat centered in spite of it. but anyway, im very happy i deleted his number because it sort of stops the train of thought that wonders if i should, could, would text him something. anything. so it's good.
my heart says this right now:
i miss you. pretty sure every day. part of me feels like our connection was so strong that you MUST be missing me, too. the other part tells previous part that the experience for you was totally different than it was for me, and now the break up part is totally different as well. in other words, you dont care like i do. you dont have to intentionally distract yourself like i do.
that part talks a lot. tells my heart to move on, focus on something else. you did not love me. you are unavailable and not interested.
the part that misses you deep into my heart without explanation does not believe this is true. i cant believe it yet. and maybe this is why i cant let go.
___
it is embarassing that i think of you everywhere. i relate fucking everything to you unconsciously. whyyyy? i dont like it, i WANT it to stop, but it will not. especially because you probably do not. i go to bull street on king street and i look for you. i drive down king street and cross market and i look for you. i cross fulton st and i look for you. i park near church street to make a delivery and i have to walk by your office three times. after the delivery is finally over i have a stomachache and have to take some deep breaths. imagining you walking over to my car from the middle of market street as you did that one tuesday afternoon where we fantasized about going to greece together, about me going to st. croix and meeting your friends, the day it was physically painful for me to walk away from you, this causes me to break down if my logical, self-help part can't jump in in time. it's been over a month and my back is tense for remembering these times.
just go way or come back already.
that i think about you this much makes me think you have to be coming back. and that i think about you this much makes me think this is precisely why you are not coming back.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
holy weird dream
i overslept. just woke up and wanted to type this before i forget.
matt was there. we made out..in front of people. i was nervous and uncomfortable.
i had a tape recorder, my journal, it fell down a well-sort-of-thing and someone tried to help me get it out and it fell deeper. can't get it now. enter the little girl i think. little black girl.
anyway what i remember of her later, she was drinking a sierra nevada on the curb, and she's like nine, and she threw her bottle out into the street....not to be rude, but there was some beauty of creativity in the reason she did what she did. so it causes a car to crash, a young boy to be injured. noone is watching, she thinks she's the only one involved, but i see her react. i know shes afraid, but she's also diligent in trying to figure out what to do. she takes him upstairs to the hosipital, might have been an animal hospital and she somehow figures out his kidney is damaged. she decides she is going to make a kidney and put it in his body. she is not afraid at this point. she is confident. and im sort of confident with her. mystified. bc even though she isn't a certified surgeon i feel like there's something magic about her. she's got an aura that makes me feel like she's other worldly.(holy shit, i really think this is my little girl and me. or the situation with d and me) so she MAKES a kidney...something that LOOKS like one out of soggy bread. and then she goes around the hospital looking for supplies. when she gets back she puts the kid on the table...he's been wrapped up in sheet this whole time...and goes to cut. at this point i "come to," so to speak. i panic, "i can't do this. i can't watch. YOU cant do this. it's not going to work. it's not a fucking kidney! oh my god im sorry i can't witness this. you're being crazy. this isn't real!" i leave the room. sit in the other room, nervous, noticing that, wow, ive never panicked like that before. i can't believe i couldn't stay. and i can't believe i didn't just tell her to stop. that she was a child and this is NOT the way we do things. so i go back in the room after a bit and everything's all fucked up. kid is dying and she has brought in another little girl, blonde friend and has anestetized her to get her actual kidney i think. or made the blonder girl anestetize HER to get her kidney. eitherway, there's coding and waking up and it's a disaster. she tells me i have to perform the surgery. i'm like i cant i cant! in tears now i think, and i run around and get a real doctor. i know she's going to be mad and probably in trouble, but otherwise she was going to die.
in the end im back at her house with her family just sayhing hello to her mom and brothers and sisters, she says shes got medical bills out the wazoo but at least she didn't get charged for hurting this little boy for some reason. im nervous to see the little girl. she scares me now.
then i wake up.
matt was there. we made out..in front of people. i was nervous and uncomfortable.
i had a tape recorder, my journal, it fell down a well-sort-of-thing and someone tried to help me get it out and it fell deeper. can't get it now. enter the little girl i think. little black girl.
anyway what i remember of her later, she was drinking a sierra nevada on the curb, and she's like nine, and she threw her bottle out into the street....not to be rude, but there was some beauty of creativity in the reason she did what she did. so it causes a car to crash, a young boy to be injured. noone is watching, she thinks she's the only one involved, but i see her react. i know shes afraid, but she's also diligent in trying to figure out what to do. she takes him upstairs to the hosipital, might have been an animal hospital and she somehow figures out his kidney is damaged. she decides she is going to make a kidney and put it in his body. she is not afraid at this point. she is confident. and im sort of confident with her. mystified. bc even though she isn't a certified surgeon i feel like there's something magic about her. she's got an aura that makes me feel like she's other worldly.(holy shit, i really think this is my little girl and me. or the situation with d and me) so she MAKES a kidney...something that LOOKS like one out of soggy bread. and then she goes around the hospital looking for supplies. when she gets back she puts the kid on the table...he's been wrapped up in sheet this whole time...and goes to cut. at this point i "come to," so to speak. i panic, "i can't do this. i can't watch. YOU cant do this. it's not going to work. it's not a fucking kidney! oh my god im sorry i can't witness this. you're being crazy. this isn't real!" i leave the room. sit in the other room, nervous, noticing that, wow, ive never panicked like that before. i can't believe i couldn't stay. and i can't believe i didn't just tell her to stop. that she was a child and this is NOT the way we do things. so i go back in the room after a bit and everything's all fucked up. kid is dying and she has brought in another little girl, blonde friend and has anestetized her to get her actual kidney i think. or made the blonder girl anestetize HER to get her kidney. eitherway, there's coding and waking up and it's a disaster. she tells me i have to perform the surgery. i'm like i cant i cant! in tears now i think, and i run around and get a real doctor. i know she's going to be mad and probably in trouble, but otherwise she was going to die.
in the end im back at her house with her family just sayhing hello to her mom and brothers and sisters, she says shes got medical bills out the wazoo but at least she didn't get charged for hurting this little boy for some reason. im nervous to see the little girl. she scares me now.
then i wake up.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
damn. was so ready to write but lane called. and i like talking to him bc i care about him. but now im tired and dont want to write. i still feel bad cutting him off so i can go to sleep.
-------
went to church today for first time in a long time. it was really great. people so happy to see me, faces lighting up even. i cried the whole first half. not becuase i felt guilty or ashamed, just like, "shit, maybe what i was doing WAS wrong. and i fucked up. putting my hope in living in the present moment as opposed to putting my faith solely in jesus is why im feeling so messed up right now. feeling alive, and invigorated and in love is not the answer. it is not the way. it does not mean you are on the right path or something. it's not like wrong to do, but being in that place doesn't mean you are doing the right thing. that you wont get hurt...that part is obvious by now. if that's true then yes, i definitely fucked up. and was doing the wrooong thing. me+dustin. WRONG. man. whole time i was thinking that nothing ever felt so right in my life. now i know. or am at least considering it.
-----
i wanted to call my mom after church and ask her what she thought. this whole transition into casual dating came after a conference that shifted me into slightly different spiritual thinking as well. so i wanted her to help me sort out the confusion about whether this is just what a break up feels like, or if the conference led me a wrong direction that was bound to end in heartache and painful decisions, etc. and it's God's call to get me back to the right way of thinking. but my dad called instead. mom left for a week long trip today apparently. sometimes he calls when my mom is out of town and he's lonely (or obligated) and i love it. cuz i usually talk to my mom. and now i get to ask my dad his opinion on my thoughts, albeit less comfortably and with a little less detail because i dont know if he will want to get as deep as i want to get. and his opinion and perpective is almost definitely presented in a different way than my mother's would be, but it is consistently helpful. conversations with my dad at times like these make me believe that there is a god who loves me and is involved in the intricacies of my life to the extent that when i need my dad's advice instead of my mom's, he makes that happen without me knowing anything about his underworkings. i love that.
anyway, my dad reminds me that what im going through is very much a part of life, the spiritual stuff and all, we're constantly growing and learning and that maybe i need to remember that when dustin and i first got together i was still trying to get over lane. so maybe he is just what i needed to do that. that was a good reminder for me today. dustin helped assure me and moved me on from a relationship that i no longer wanted to be in. he perked up my heart in the ways i only hoped were possible. essentially confirmed that my decision to end things with lane was the right thing to do. good ol' wise, logical, wonderful, loving dad. coming through to save the day.
so i will go to sleep feeling ok.
---------------
hey! my 60th yoga class in 58 days was today! i was so proud and happy and grateful.
afterward i did pray that the lord would allow me to send love and forgiveness to dustin without feeling so heartbroken. to tap into the love source to send good vibes without the risk of remembering what i actually loved about being together and thus feeling vulnerable and sad. and to be able to move on without having to use the technique where i imagine spitting on him telling him i hate him.
so i said this as a cool shower calmed my sweaty body and mind, "i bless you completely. i bless your relationships. your family. your next girlfriend. okay maybe that's too soon. your work. your finances. your mind. your entire body. your health. your spirituality. your relationship with god. may you come to know god. may you love yourself."
i meant it all so i'd say that's a pretty good start. thank u lord.
-------
went to church today for first time in a long time. it was really great. people so happy to see me, faces lighting up even. i cried the whole first half. not becuase i felt guilty or ashamed, just like, "shit, maybe what i was doing WAS wrong. and i fucked up. putting my hope in living in the present moment as opposed to putting my faith solely in jesus is why im feeling so messed up right now. feeling alive, and invigorated and in love is not the answer. it is not the way. it does not mean you are on the right path or something. it's not like wrong to do, but being in that place doesn't mean you are doing the right thing. that you wont get hurt...that part is obvious by now. if that's true then yes, i definitely fucked up. and was doing the wrooong thing. me+dustin. WRONG. man. whole time i was thinking that nothing ever felt so right in my life. now i know. or am at least considering it.
-----
i wanted to call my mom after church and ask her what she thought. this whole transition into casual dating came after a conference that shifted me into slightly different spiritual thinking as well. so i wanted her to help me sort out the confusion about whether this is just what a break up feels like, or if the conference led me a wrong direction that was bound to end in heartache and painful decisions, etc. and it's God's call to get me back to the right way of thinking. but my dad called instead. mom left for a week long trip today apparently. sometimes he calls when my mom is out of town and he's lonely (or obligated) and i love it. cuz i usually talk to my mom. and now i get to ask my dad his opinion on my thoughts, albeit less comfortably and with a little less detail because i dont know if he will want to get as deep as i want to get. and his opinion and perpective is almost definitely presented in a different way than my mother's would be, but it is consistently helpful. conversations with my dad at times like these make me believe that there is a god who loves me and is involved in the intricacies of my life to the extent that when i need my dad's advice instead of my mom's, he makes that happen without me knowing anything about his underworkings. i love that.
anyway, my dad reminds me that what im going through is very much a part of life, the spiritual stuff and all, we're constantly growing and learning and that maybe i need to remember that when dustin and i first got together i was still trying to get over lane. so maybe he is just what i needed to do that. that was a good reminder for me today. dustin helped assure me and moved me on from a relationship that i no longer wanted to be in. he perked up my heart in the ways i only hoped were possible. essentially confirmed that my decision to end things with lane was the right thing to do. good ol' wise, logical, wonderful, loving dad. coming through to save the day.
so i will go to sleep feeling ok.
---------------
hey! my 60th yoga class in 58 days was today! i was so proud and happy and grateful.
afterward i did pray that the lord would allow me to send love and forgiveness to dustin without feeling so heartbroken. to tap into the love source to send good vibes without the risk of remembering what i actually loved about being together and thus feeling vulnerable and sad. and to be able to move on without having to use the technique where i imagine spitting on him telling him i hate him.
so i said this as a cool shower calmed my sweaty body and mind, "i bless you completely. i bless your relationships. your family. your next girlfriend. okay maybe that's too soon. your work. your finances. your mind. your entire body. your health. your spirituality. your relationship with god. may you come to know god. may you love yourself."
i meant it all so i'd say that's a pretty good start. thank u lord.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
im housesitting downtown. it was a lovely saturday-im-sort-of-off-work day so i decided a stroll would be nice.
i love downtown charleston on a saturday morning. the homes, the streeets, the trees, the carriages cruisin by. decided i one day will have a sweet house that costs a lot of money. not huge, just sweet. in a place like downtown charleston. a house only the really lucky get to have.
i of course go down queen street toward d's house. i hope to be outside of his house and hear him strumming away on the guitar. in which case i may or may not pop my head over and say hey. i get there and sit near his house for a minute and ask myself what the hell im doing. lord, guide me heart. tell me what to do here. am i really just so unfamiliar with the inexplicable connection that comes from sleeping with someone that i am this confused about what im supposed to do with my emotions? why am i so fucking obsessed with sorting all of it out? getting it out of my head. i tried to remind myself that it wasn't just that we slept together, that there were so many things about him that i loved. mostly the way he interacted with me. not his character on paper or anything. nothing cool and quality like that. just the way 95% of his responses and actions with me were perfect.
anyway, i walk by on my way back home and i text this: strollin down queen streen and not gonna lie i was a little sad to not hear the guitar strumming.
i walk away and the song that goes, "smiiiile, tho your heart is breaking...aching..etc." is on. i have a little sway in my step and a smile on my face. im glad i texted even if he does not respond...cuz at least i did what i wanted. he responds: "there actually was some guitar strumming. does she say hi?"
i first respond and then delete: "like in real life or via text message?"
then: "i suppose she could. do you want anything from queen street grocery." also deleted.
finally: "you caught her on a good day so i suppose she could."
i then start walking back toward his house. not knowing what im going to say or do or how im going to act. his car is not in his driveway and the door is not open. i knock.
no response for too long and my heart starts pounding and i start sweating, thinking, "oh shit, he did not mean for me to come by here." im about to turn around and run awkwardly (maybe) and i get a text that says," that makes me smile ms. rager. im glad you're smiley. im working at marion square rolling cigars!!"
geez i was embarrased for my stupid presumption. that i was gonna get just what i thought i wanted. to see him. i did not respond. i feel good about that. i did walk all the way up to marion square, met up with a boy who owes me money for goodness, and then walked back. wasn't really hoping to run into him at the square just no longer had a mission and was dragging out my morning.
it did start pouring down rain before i began my 15 block walk back home so that was great.
that's what i get for being retarded and walking where i knew he was. but i'd rather know where he his tho than wonder if he's on every single street i walk down. obsessed.
by the way im logging all this shit bc i cant wait to reread the whole process after i write that im completely over it. come ON, happen already. how long is this gonna take? what are you trying to teach me universe?
-------------
sarah told me last night (again) that she can't wait to meet my man. and that she's already prepared to be jealous.
today im sick of that idea. ohhh if you haven't met him yet just have faith. he's gonna be so wonderful. everything you ever dreamed is out there. whatever. probably not. i'm just gonna not dream about gay shit like being in love and try to find contentment in other great things. friends. work. music. nature. beauty. who the fuck needs romance? its all dumb. and im not saying that so as to trick myself or the universe into surprising me by having love-of-my-life romance show up. thats retarded, too. i think i might just die before i find my person. so i guess i dont really have a person. that's cool. whatever.
i love downtown charleston on a saturday morning. the homes, the streeets, the trees, the carriages cruisin by. decided i one day will have a sweet house that costs a lot of money. not huge, just sweet. in a place like downtown charleston. a house only the really lucky get to have.
i of course go down queen street toward d's house. i hope to be outside of his house and hear him strumming away on the guitar. in which case i may or may not pop my head over and say hey. i get there and sit near his house for a minute and ask myself what the hell im doing. lord, guide me heart. tell me what to do here. am i really just so unfamiliar with the inexplicable connection that comes from sleeping with someone that i am this confused about what im supposed to do with my emotions? why am i so fucking obsessed with sorting all of it out? getting it out of my head. i tried to remind myself that it wasn't just that we slept together, that there were so many things about him that i loved. mostly the way he interacted with me. not his character on paper or anything. nothing cool and quality like that. just the way 95% of his responses and actions with me were perfect.
anyway, i walk by on my way back home and i text this: strollin down queen streen and not gonna lie i was a little sad to not hear the guitar strumming.
i walk away and the song that goes, "smiiiile, tho your heart is breaking...aching..etc." is on. i have a little sway in my step and a smile on my face. im glad i texted even if he does not respond...cuz at least i did what i wanted. he responds: "there actually was some guitar strumming. does she say hi?"
i first respond and then delete: "like in real life or via text message?"
then: "i suppose she could. do you want anything from queen street grocery." also deleted.
finally: "you caught her on a good day so i suppose she could."
i then start walking back toward his house. not knowing what im going to say or do or how im going to act. his car is not in his driveway and the door is not open. i knock.
no response for too long and my heart starts pounding and i start sweating, thinking, "oh shit, he did not mean for me to come by here." im about to turn around and run awkwardly (maybe) and i get a text that says," that makes me smile ms. rager. im glad you're smiley. im working at marion square rolling cigars!!"
geez i was embarrased for my stupid presumption. that i was gonna get just what i thought i wanted. to see him. i did not respond. i feel good about that. i did walk all the way up to marion square, met up with a boy who owes me money for goodness, and then walked back. wasn't really hoping to run into him at the square just no longer had a mission and was dragging out my morning.
it did start pouring down rain before i began my 15 block walk back home so that was great.
that's what i get for being retarded and walking where i knew he was. but i'd rather know where he his tho than wonder if he's on every single street i walk down. obsessed.
by the way im logging all this shit bc i cant wait to reread the whole process after i write that im completely over it. come ON, happen already. how long is this gonna take? what are you trying to teach me universe?
-------------
sarah told me last night (again) that she can't wait to meet my man. and that she's already prepared to be jealous.
today im sick of that idea. ohhh if you haven't met him yet just have faith. he's gonna be so wonderful. everything you ever dreamed is out there. whatever. probably not. i'm just gonna not dream about gay shit like being in love and try to find contentment in other great things. friends. work. music. nature. beauty. who the fuck needs romance? its all dumb. and im not saying that so as to trick myself or the universe into surprising me by having love-of-my-life romance show up. thats retarded, too. i think i might just die before i find my person. so i guess i dont really have a person. that's cool. whatever.
Friday, March 2, 2012
seriously, you little shit?
i have never defriended anyone. two days ago i decided to defriend dustin.
i like facebook. i like posting statuses, pics, etc, because i get excited about life and this is a way for me to share my excitement/brag about my awesomeness with people who may or may not care. it somehow boosts my ego, too, which im not really proud of, but whatever. however, i know dustin looks at my shit. i know this because he makes comments and refers to posted pics. and i just know. the last time i saw him i told him to stop commenting and stop sending me messages. he says, "understood." all compassionate like, like, "oh, ok, this is harder for you than this is for me. i get it. i'll respect that." implied undertone, "im cool, calm, this me+u thing was not a big deal." so he has stopped sending messages and commenting. but i know he looks.
so i quit looking at his page like a week and a half ago because it wasn't doing me any good. i used to look like once a day because i missed him so i thought finding out what he had been doing would help a little. i eventually realize it did not. so i'm trying to get over it, let go, move on. recreate life without his influence. but, even without looking at his page, i noticed that when i play on facebook there is this little, almost unconscious knowing that he is out there, maybe observing. and i dont want to be influenced by that shit. i. want. you. gone.
-----
part of me does not of course. i want to hold onto the magic i have previously spoken of. but the other part feels it's unhealthy and unnecessary to hold on, and is also impatient and doesnt want to hurt anymore. so is this a healthy choice or an impatient choice, im not sure. both probably.
-----
so i defriend. and i feel GOOD. for two days in a row. feel like im moving on. letting it go! ahh...
i come out of yoga yesterday feeling all zen and........little fucker has sent me a facebook message. of course he did. it says this:
"Well i guess the defriending speaks for itself, and i should probably know better than to message you in spite of, but it's beiber's birthday and i thought of you. enjoy the dance party. see you around i suppose...."
first typed and unsent response: "you're such a little shit. that's all i want to say for now."
my head was shaking and i smiled a little in disbelief.
then i got angry at his dis-fucking-respectful, can't-let-a-girl-move-on behavior.
second typed and unsent response: "what i wish would happen is that you were walking beside my car right now as i read your message, taking a late lunch, so i could speak at you without a filter. but you're not, and you've fucked up my good yoga mood once again, and im left to sit here and stew and sort my emotions out on my own.
i dont know exactly what the defriend says to you, but you're not dense, and you know i'm not spiteful or bitchy, so yeah, you should've known better than to send me a message.
give me some fucking room, dustin."
THAT, in my opinion, is an amazing response. i was furious. but my yoga-teaching, new fantastic friend, charlotte, said, ummm, do NOT send that. ha.
so i did not. i will say nothing. and he can sit and pretend nothing bothers him, and he's all suave and cool and mature, and it isn't driving him crazy that i dont have warm fuzzies anymore when i think about what we had. i wont sit here and wait for you to change your mind, see that im worth the risk. im going to move on. have fun doing whatever you have to do to deal with that.
i'll create my own room. if you cant grow up and admit when you're being a selfish fuck, i, once again, dont have time for you.
seriously. go away.
-----
as i reread his message, i wonder how unemotional he is about this. cuz it's true that it's kind of a plain ol message. and i got SO emotionally charged reading it.
maybe he doesn't care. it wasn't a big deal. and he is being nonchalant, trying to say hello to his friend.
but i feel like he should know im not feeling nonchalant. im hurt. struggling to not be affected as much as i am, to not think about him as much as i do. and therefore he should respect me. be considerate. i defriended you for crying out loud.
but people are people, and they are weak. we want and need approval and we seek it in various ways. shannon said he's a people pleaser and can't stand the idea that someone might actually get over them. maybe. whatever.
im pretending today i didn't get a message and carrying on as i was.
i like facebook. i like posting statuses, pics, etc, because i get excited about life and this is a way for me to share my excitement/brag about my awesomeness with people who may or may not care. it somehow boosts my ego, too, which im not really proud of, but whatever. however, i know dustin looks at my shit. i know this because he makes comments and refers to posted pics. and i just know. the last time i saw him i told him to stop commenting and stop sending me messages. he says, "understood." all compassionate like, like, "oh, ok, this is harder for you than this is for me. i get it. i'll respect that." implied undertone, "im cool, calm, this me+u thing was not a big deal." so he has stopped sending messages and commenting. but i know he looks.
so i quit looking at his page like a week and a half ago because it wasn't doing me any good. i used to look like once a day because i missed him so i thought finding out what he had been doing would help a little. i eventually realize it did not. so i'm trying to get over it, let go, move on. recreate life without his influence. but, even without looking at his page, i noticed that when i play on facebook there is this little, almost unconscious knowing that he is out there, maybe observing. and i dont want to be influenced by that shit. i. want. you. gone.
-----
part of me does not of course. i want to hold onto the magic i have previously spoken of. but the other part feels it's unhealthy and unnecessary to hold on, and is also impatient and doesnt want to hurt anymore. so is this a healthy choice or an impatient choice, im not sure. both probably.
-----
so i defriend. and i feel GOOD. for two days in a row. feel like im moving on. letting it go! ahh...
i come out of yoga yesterday feeling all zen and........little fucker has sent me a facebook message. of course he did. it says this:
"Well i guess the defriending speaks for itself, and i should probably know better than to message you in spite of, but it's beiber's birthday and i thought of you. enjoy the dance party. see you around i suppose...."
first typed and unsent response: "you're such a little shit. that's all i want to say for now."
my head was shaking and i smiled a little in disbelief.
then i got angry at his dis-fucking-respectful, can't-let-a-girl-move-on behavior.
second typed and unsent response: "what i wish would happen is that you were walking beside my car right now as i read your message, taking a late lunch, so i could speak at you without a filter. but you're not, and you've fucked up my good yoga mood once again, and im left to sit here and stew and sort my emotions out on my own.
i dont know exactly what the defriend says to you, but you're not dense, and you know i'm not spiteful or bitchy, so yeah, you should've known better than to send me a message.
give me some fucking room, dustin."
THAT, in my opinion, is an amazing response. i was furious. but my yoga-teaching, new fantastic friend, charlotte, said, ummm, do NOT send that. ha.
so i did not. i will say nothing. and he can sit and pretend nothing bothers him, and he's all suave and cool and mature, and it isn't driving him crazy that i dont have warm fuzzies anymore when i think about what we had. i wont sit here and wait for you to change your mind, see that im worth the risk. im going to move on. have fun doing whatever you have to do to deal with that.
i'll create my own room. if you cant grow up and admit when you're being a selfish fuck, i, once again, dont have time for you.
seriously. go away.
-----
as i reread his message, i wonder how unemotional he is about this. cuz it's true that it's kind of a plain ol message. and i got SO emotionally charged reading it.
maybe he doesn't care. it wasn't a big deal. and he is being nonchalant, trying to say hello to his friend.
but i feel like he should know im not feeling nonchalant. im hurt. struggling to not be affected as much as i am, to not think about him as much as i do. and therefore he should respect me. be considerate. i defriended you for crying out loud.
but people are people, and they are weak. we want and need approval and we seek it in various ways. shannon said he's a people pleaser and can't stand the idea that someone might actually get over them. maybe. whatever.
im pretending today i didn't get a message and carrying on as i was.
oops
so i wrote about matt before. then i saw him at earth fare a couple of days later and gave him a big long hug. and i felt awkward around him for the first time ever because i felt like he had read what i had written.
maybe he could feel the vibes rolling around in the universe.
oops.
maybe he could feel the vibes rolling around in the universe.
oops.
Monday, February 27, 2012
i wonder if i feel sad sometimes because i used to have a general loneliness in me that i had gotten comfortable with before i met d, and now i have a person to put it on. that and he affirmed and awakened the idea that being crazy chemically attracted to and interested in someone is a fantastic feeling. it had been so long since i'd felt that way that it sort of became this idea in my head that might exist, instead of an actual remembrance of a feeling. if you haven't had rich, dense chocolate cake since you were a kid you forget how good it really tastes so you don't miss it. like, from your soul. you taste it again after all those years and you wonder how you're going to go 10 more years without it again. you wish you hadn't tasted it again at all.
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you smoke, that's gross. you think you're great, perfect, enlightened. i think you are selfish and manipulative. do you even really love people? or do you just use them to get what you want? im pretty sure you admitted that to me. is that who you are as a person or do you just do that occasionally? are you okay with being that person or do you feel like you need to change some of that?
you harshly judge people you dont even know and act like you are carefree about life and relationships. no one is judgemental of others, especially strangers if you dont have some anger deep inside that you are misplacing. and no one judges strangers and doesn't judge the close people in their lives. you pretend you dont, but really you are just quieter about it. maybe dont even admit it to yourself. you judge the strangers so you can be vocal about at least some of the judgements you are making.
i want to be loved by someone who is a lover in general. loves people. loves himself. you cannot love me the way i want to be loved if you're not a lover. i dont want to feel the judgement. i may be strong and love myself, but im also tender hearted. and you will hurt me.
so go away. fill someone else's mind. i'd like to put my loneliness on someone else.
----
i dont feel good saying these things about you. cuz my heart is a lover. i want to forgive, to accept, to love. and let go. but today im a little sad, so i'm trying a more logical technique. telling myself why i dont want to be with someone like you anyway.
you drink too much. your family is nuts. pretty sure you talk about women with your friends in that nasty objectifying way that i hate. and you left me at my house when i was feeling small and vulnerable. you are not good enough for me. you are not good enough for me. you are not good enough for me.
this teqnique does not work like i want it to. strangely the loving technique is more powerful i think. i think this shit just takes time and im impatient.
i decided yesterday that i think it would be great if i never saw you again. i think i mean that.
-------------
you smoke, that's gross. you think you're great, perfect, enlightened. i think you are selfish and manipulative. do you even really love people? or do you just use them to get what you want? im pretty sure you admitted that to me. is that who you are as a person or do you just do that occasionally? are you okay with being that person or do you feel like you need to change some of that?
you harshly judge people you dont even know and act like you are carefree about life and relationships. no one is judgemental of others, especially strangers if you dont have some anger deep inside that you are misplacing. and no one judges strangers and doesn't judge the close people in their lives. you pretend you dont, but really you are just quieter about it. maybe dont even admit it to yourself. you judge the strangers so you can be vocal about at least some of the judgements you are making.
i want to be loved by someone who is a lover in general. loves people. loves himself. you cannot love me the way i want to be loved if you're not a lover. i dont want to feel the judgement. i may be strong and love myself, but im also tender hearted. and you will hurt me.
so go away. fill someone else's mind. i'd like to put my loneliness on someone else.
----
i dont feel good saying these things about you. cuz my heart is a lover. i want to forgive, to accept, to love. and let go. but today im a little sad, so i'm trying a more logical technique. telling myself why i dont want to be with someone like you anyway.
you drink too much. your family is nuts. pretty sure you talk about women with your friends in that nasty objectifying way that i hate. and you left me at my house when i was feeling small and vulnerable. you are not good enough for me. you are not good enough for me. you are not good enough for me.
this teqnique does not work like i want it to. strangely the loving technique is more powerful i think. i think this shit just takes time and im impatient.
i decided yesterday that i think it would be great if i never saw you again. i think i mean that.
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