adios dave

so dave.

normally if i guy sends you messages frequently about how much they have a crush on you it should be flattering.  make you get a little smile on your face.  send a sweet something back.  but for the life of me i cannot seem to make this happen.  i can tolerate conversation and moderate closeness as long as things feel friendly and not uber romantic.  once they take a turn in that direction i just cant do it.  i can't respond.  and i cant figure out why.

prob because i feel bad.  i feel bad that i did have a crush on him.  i did wonder about him...who he was, what made him tick, how we would work together. i appreciated him.  was intrigued by him.  i looked at him with crush eyes.  but all the while was just feeling it out.  and i feel bad that it has faded.

i dont think i made any promises at that time.  implied my heart was in a place different than what it was.  but for some reason i feel guilt now about my heart changing.  if i didn't feel guilt i would just tell him i dont feel the same and im not interested in pursuing this further.  but im delaying.  like i did something wrong, or im trying to figure out if i did.  maybe this is just because it was so intense so fast...like real, big, honest conversations all the time.  or maybe its just because he's been so forthcoming about his feelings and stuff that it feels overwhelming.  i dont know.

what i know is if i dont think about the past and times we shared together and a bunch of "shoulds," I'd like to send this message:

hey. i want to respond to your sweet and thoughtful messages with equally sweet and thoughtful ones.  but i just can't seem to do that so i feel bad receiving yours.  i think you are an incredible person, seriously and truly, so wonderful! but something about this thing we have going isn't quite working and i need to let it go at this point.  i still love our story and all the time we have spent together, but i know this is the right thing for me.  im sorry for any disappointment, know that i am quite sad about it as well.  thank you for always treating me with such respect and care and for being so open and honest with me always.  i know that everything that has happened has been good and will continue to be so.  all my best...

shoot.  maybe ill just send that very thing.  we'll see.

Well Im here.  Here!  here?  here.

Adventure number two (give or take 5) this year.  It's an interesting thing landing in a new place far from your home.  Excitement, trepidation, quiet, curiosity, protection, courage.

I landed in Costa Rica today after an excellent flight from Chicago.  Flight was excellent due in part to being upgraded to First Class and thus awarded a full meal and several cocktails and in part to great conversation with a seasoned international traveler who had no sense or energy of needing to feel fear at visiting foreign countries and cultures.

i can write with many details right now but i want to start this blog so....

my flight over was awesome.  no fear from the lady.
seeing the palm trees and feeling my soul get happy even tho i had been sad and kind of neutral emotionally lately.
great and easy seeing jeff, old school hip hop.
restaurant and apartment are nicer than i thought.
overwhelmed a bit at managing all these ppl.
you cant fire people???
carly so awesome! taking me around.
meeting new ppl.
latin dudes sometimes freak me out.  this make me sad because i have just gotten to a place where i love looking at men.  okay lets me honest, i like eye balling and smiling and checking you out...hard.  and feeling good in my skin.  and not being afraid.  i caught my self making eye contact and then looking down because i didnt want to make an invitation.

then i remembered that when i acclimate to a new place i get quiet.  ihad no opportunity to be quiet today.  prob wont tomor.  am going to have to make it.

wheres the yoga and how soon can i go?  im beat.  then again i did have 4 cocktails before 1pm....

A new one!

I met a guy on a plane!  holy cow.

Talked for hours and I didn't want to leave when it was time.  i have seen him again!  This is pretty amazing. 

isn't it?  

i think hes beautiful.  he's got this squinty eyed smile and a salt and peppery beard and lots of hair.  (you have to take a moment to appreciate a man with a full head of hair when he's got one).  and he's kind and thoughtful.   and he has a major crush on me. 

he also has two kids.  from what ive seen of his relationship with them hes a great dad.  but SHIT, two kids?  nearly grown kids.  what the heck am i gonna do with that?

i cant decide if im pulling away from him because he's got two kids and i dont know what to do with that or for some other reason.  i can be so picky.  he texts me too much.  he's too cheesy via text.  he's too excited about me.  he's had a vasectomy.  ha.  

i dont know.  when im with him i just think hes the sweetest thing, and i want to know more.  and im attracted to him and love kissing him and love the way he touches me.  but its like he's got this whole other life that i dont really put myself in because it feels like a huge commitment and i have no idea how. and im moving.  and i dont want to live in omaha.  

i know i just met him and i dont have to commit to such things right now but his major crush on me (and maybe part of mine on him) makes me think of these things.  like, "wait a minute.  WHAT.  are we doing?"

i wish i just wanted to sleep with him and call it a day.  but i dont and i didn't and i haven't.  but i probably will.

or not.

im moody about the whole thing.  and i wish i wasn't.

but i am.  and i keep telling myself that these moods and these emotions are the guiding system of our lives and our intuition.  so if i am moody about it, maybe there's a reason.  thus, im taking it easy in the decision making department.

to end on a positive note, the whole thing is so cool no matter what.  i wrote a facebook post one year ago that said, "wanted:  a tall, bearded man who occasionally wears dark rimmed glasses whose tattoos may or may not show underneath his businessman attire.  seriously,  it's time."  well here he is.  (okay he's not super tall).  but he happens to be nicer and more thoughtful and doesn't make me wonder if he likes me or not.  

taking it for what it is...pretty wonderful.

its true

i just miss you.

-------

when new losses come up, or things change, we are reminded of other things that we have also lost.  we may have already grieved the majority of the previous loss, but its like the new loss is scraping out allll the remnants of the old....to clear another layer.  so.  (purge on..)

as i get further away from my old life and my old company, you are coming up.  i had eight years with that company and now YOU are inextricably tied to it.  so hooray.  changes with the company means i think of you.  and i miss you.

you may talk shit to other people.  act a certain way.  pretend a certain way.  but again, i will refuse to believe that you weren't affected by me.  that i didn't stop you in your tracks a little bit.  that your defenses have to come up hard so you dont love me a little.

and good.  thats good!  you have someone to be loyal to.  and good!  because your disaffection keeps me from reaching out and thus keeps me moving forward with less attachments.  letting go tendril by slow tendril.

im glad.  but im sad.  its so hard to let go of people.  to need to feel disconnected.  i mean, we are all one, right?  so i know we should feel connected, but i dont.  and that's hard.  letting go is hard.

you are still there. in the back corners.  under my skin.  pressing, present.

ive consciously tried to separate.  and yet i come back.  neural patters have yet to be destroyed i see.

i am ready for a replacement.  for the neural fibers to disintegrate.  there was a moment when i thought it was gone.  that you were gone.  that you had morphed.  longer than a moment, even.  i dont know how you came back.

did you come back because i went back? did you come back because someone forced you to come back to me when my defenses were down? you made me angry and hurt and embarrassed again.  all of these things and i still feel like if i cross your mind you just wave it away.

so.  it is.  and its ok.

my friend said, "maybe you are just purging it all."  i like this.  you are in my dreams again every night because i am getting the last bit of you out of my fibers.  im also going to say thats whats happening with my perpetually broken out face.  purge, purge, purge.  i permit, i allow, i welcome.  i welcome the pain, the memories, the disappointment, the confusion.

i just sit with it.  this is all perfect.  this life, the musings, the confusion.  there's no where to get.  no one to be.  no way to perform even.  we just are.  it is.

perfect.

i love you.

all things new

I am home.  (Sort of.)

Today is the spring equinox, a new moon, and a solar eclipse, all astrological energies that point to and support new beginnings.  This feels really good to me.

"We might call this a pivot point, a time of choosing new options and releasing the old.  It is a time for breakthroughs and insights, when we can ride the energies of change into a new future."

Ride the energies of change into a new future...What does that look like for me?

ideally it looks like letting go of insecurities and embracing self love. letting go of worry about the universe's provision and embracing peace and trust.  increasing my ability to receive freely.  feeling comfortable and grounded around all people no matter the interaction.  trusting myself.  my god.  receiving my man, my partnership with this incredible human.  letting him love me while i love him and love myself at the same time.  moving into a career that feels fulfilling and challenging and empowering.  moving into abundant financial wealth. moving into more creativity.  pulling my intuition down into my power center to express my higher will confidently.  speaking my mind clearly, but with compassion and love.  always for others and myself simultaneously.  letting go of worry about others' disappointment, dislike, or disapproval of me and instead taking care of myself fervently and consistently.

turning points.  what feels the most foreign lately is the idea of consciously choosing to let go of things when and because i know they aren't serving me.  this instead of holding on until they gradually go, (and have caused more than enough pain) or even keeping them because that is what ive always done and i dont know quite know how to just suddenly do things differently.  my example is the way i am [working on] letting go of Nutty and all things (and some people) that go along with it - checking in on them, feeling the need to maintain openness, concern, attention, assistance...even sending loving energy.  and maybe it feels so foreign because im actually doing what i need to do (taking care of myself and leaving it all alone) without horrible pain or confusion alongside of it.  Meaning i dont really miss it.  i dont feel this major struggle.  ive let it go and i feel great and it sometimes feels selfish because im putting myself first and i dont really give a shit.  my boundaries are up and it feels so good that i feel guilty sometimes.  so maybe there's a pivot point in there somehow.

and of course just choosing to really let go of any and all memories and stories of him.  or anyone or thing like him.  the things i fall so desperately in love with as "little nicole" that i think will make me happy.  and then hold on to because i think i have to in order to justify the irrationality with which i fell in love with them in the first place.  to just let it alllll go.  poof.  done.  a new beginning.

and to then be a different person.  someone who has changed but doesn't know how to articulate the means or define the result and is okay with that.  someone who can be patient and doesn't have to understand all things, others, or even herself. someone who can be quiet, who doesn't have to prove anything to anyone, to herself, or to God.  someone who is comfortable in the striving and the resting. someone who is brave enough and loves herself enough to create the life she wants, even if that means seeming to others that she is a different person today than she was yesterday.  to be open to infinite possibilities of expression, learning, and discovery.  to be a person who is comfortable with the idea that when she says she wants to let go of him and the past and all stories that dont propel her forward and she only half believes she can do that, she still says it anyway. and believes its okay.  its okay to put the intention out loosely and it is enough.

she is enough.  gentle is enough.

new beginnings.  and endings.

and beginnings.

Farewell, one

So nice when i write.  because i change so much.  and i feel so much.

i used to get annoyed with myself because i only write when im emotional.  but damn. its good to see my emotion.  see it evolve.  feel it evolve.  and feel the memories just by the words.

i cant believe i didn't write about seeing the one.  oh, how i love him.  i can see him walking around the office.  his body moving.  i just stared at him.  appreciated him.  my eyes drank him in like an aficionado would drink in the work of their hero.  i listened. i asked.  i spoke.  he listened.  the room was thick thick thick with love and passion and confusion and magic and pretending and reality knocking up against dreams.  mmm.

then the other walked in.  broke it up.  he needed to i suppose.  wish he hadn't, but knew he would.

the weirdest thing, those contrasting feelings.  because the other has been so good.  we'd had the best night (and morning).  and i really care about him.  he sees me and he really cares about me.  but the one.  (head shakes). you know how i feel about him.  and it surprised me how i felt standing there between the two of them.  that i had to have an internal battle about how i would treat my one in front of the other.  if the other knew my struggle, and what was actually going on in my brain when he walked in, he would no longer be speaking to me, im sure of it.

desires and shortcomings aside, it was farewell.  im claiming it.  and i am away and when i am away it is far, far easier.  and im about to go even further away so i pray it will get even easier.  i dont want to go back.  to the longing.  to scraping up crumbs.  he is not mine.  i will miss him, but i dont even really know him, and my soul will find another and i will forget him.  this will be but a blip.

but hopefully i will not forget what it seems the universe was so gracious enough to slap in my face: here are these two men.  two wonderful feelings you have for both of them.  the one feels warm and good and easy and like it could be enough for you.
it. is. not.
the other is too big, too rich, too beautiful, too deep and connected.  if you had never felt this, then the first just might be enough.  but you have. so it is not.

so you will wait. and keep being, and loving, and experiencing.
until you find the other.  the big, the deep, the rich, the beautiful, the deep and connected.
and he will be available and he will love you with the same love.
and you both will continue.  to be, to love, to experience.  together.