wonderful weekend in the ATL. great concert, played swords with some kids, got pedicures, took naps, did a free yoga class and took major advantage of hampton inn's continental breakfast/lunch. and i got to hear one of my most soul-filling things, too. from lizzie - "you said something the other night that really stuck with me........" ahhhh. If anything ever makes me feel like im fulfilling my purpose on earth, it's hearing those words. makes me feel complete, successful, content, so happy. so thanks, for telling me, sweet friend.
I did find myself completely worn out saturday morning when i woke and eventually attributed the exhaustion to a week full of grief. fuckin grief. always wearing me out. this round got me for sure. i'm still feeling it today, over a week later. just finished my beloved hot yoga class and am now having a hard time keeping my eyes open. but my mind is so wonderful because she's so driven: "no don't go take a nap, you can get some work done...just focus on your accounting, once you get going you'll knock it out. you've been gone all weekend, you need to put some hours in. don't let your tiredness distract you from making a successful business." and my mind is so wonderful because she really does try to take care of me: "everything will be okay. what would it be like if you just took care of what your mind and body needed? you slept nine hours last night, had incredibly scary dreams, i.e. released a lot of good emotion, and you are still very, very tired. maybe the universe wants you to sleep and heal more, and work is just a distraction?" I'm choosing to work. whether it is fear or strong character and discipline that influences this decision i do not know. let's say the latter, it makes me feel cooler.
i did some emotional tapping on this trip. mom's technique for helping to move obsessive thoughts through the mind and body when they get stuck. i tapped out these little suckers:
"I shouldn't love him."
"I feel stupid for wanting him back."
"I need to figure this out."
"I miss him."
"I feel like I'll never get over this."
"I'm afraid to see him."
"I'm afraid to let go."
I'm just ready for this mental overworking to be done. Hoping and praying that last weekends' rendezvous was my last pitfall....get it alllll out. this last round of painful sadness and confusion was so sudden and intense that i think i'm actually afraid to let thoughts of him linger in my mind, as opposed to before when i just did/t want them there because i thought they shouldn't be there after all this time. so I've decided i would play "Rail Rush," my fave, fast finger-swiping, intense focus game everytime i started to think about him. i'm not opposed to pulling over while driving. I'll rewire my brain somehow damnit. Ima make this shit work. :) what i really want to do is do yoga all day every day and meditate in costa rica til im a zen master. i wanna go right. now.
john from kickball asked me to go out sometime via facebook message. i said no, at least not for a couple months cuz "romance has been wearing me out lately!" (my girlfriends also added that no one should get a "yes" from a facebook invite. waaay too lame.) i just can't do it. my heart is too wounded. im sure of it now. i've got no juice. and believe my wisdom is clouded over, too. so no. again, i say, nikki is on the bench.
lord, be near. be with me. thank you for friends who love and support me. thank you for all your gifts. thank you for rest. bring healing soon. get me out of the way if i am slowing the process down in any way. please, please.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
day 4
better. i opted for listening to the bible instead of music this afternoon on the way to kickball. turns out, the bible can make me cry, too. of course, this feels better than crying over him.
i am not scared of you. i will read my grief book and read the bible and go to yoga and feel the pain and i will be fine.
"i don't dance unless i hear music and i dont scratch my head unless it itches. i will not be intimidated."
LOVE.
and i love my kickball team. my amazing friends. amazing yoga teachers. so much love all around me. praise the lord, praise the lord.
-----
pretty much just re-read all i have written since january. there have been many times i have thought about how many entries i have written about him and shamed myself some, saying, "i can't believe how much you need/do write about this guy, you're so lame." but as i read tonight all i can think is, man, i have written some really beautiful things. perceptive, emotional, intuitive, true. i am beautiful. in my heartbreak, in my pain, in my love, in my peace, in my honesty. i would love one day to be able to confidently say to him, "you should read what i wrote about you....you may enjoy it." today i really thought he might. but the "he" i speak of there is the "he" i love, not the "he" that sucks, that walks away, and was never really interested and/or never will be again. The "he" that will never be as wonderful as he was to me for those 2 months.
i am not scared of you. i will read my grief book and read the bible and go to yoga and feel the pain and i will be fine.
"i don't dance unless i hear music and i dont scratch my head unless it itches. i will not be intimidated."
LOVE.
and i love my kickball team. my amazing friends. amazing yoga teachers. so much love all around me. praise the lord, praise the lord.
-----
pretty much just re-read all i have written since january. there have been many times i have thought about how many entries i have written about him and shamed myself some, saying, "i can't believe how much you need/do write about this guy, you're so lame." but as i read tonight all i can think is, man, i have written some really beautiful things. perceptive, emotional, intuitive, true. i am beautiful. in my heartbreak, in my pain, in my love, in my peace, in my honesty. i would love one day to be able to confidently say to him, "you should read what i wrote about you....you may enjoy it." today i really thought he might. but the "he" i speak of there is the "he" i love, not the "he" that sucks, that walks away, and was never really interested and/or never will be again. The "he" that will never be as wonderful as he was to me for those 2 months.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Day 3. I went to sleep and woke up thinking, "you were many things that I wanted, but not everything." this does not mean my heart does not still feel sad. i prayed the prayer, to have my hands open. took some deep breaths. said, "i look forward to running into you so i can practice holding my peace."
then i began my drive to work in the rain, winding down beautiful riverland road. i remembered how i felt when we were first getting together. i remembered also you asking me if you crossed my mind when i thought about moving to texas. of course you did. man, i dont know why those moments are so sweet to me. but they are. i recognize it. take another deep breath to try to stop the flow of tears before it begins. and i think of the day when i come up to you to say, "hey. just wanted to let you know i'm good. i met somebody else and he's great, so im not afraid of you anymore. so feel free to talk to me all you wish, not that you probably will. just wanted you to know im good."
my shoulders are tight. my smile is naught. i am sad.
then i began my drive to work in the rain, winding down beautiful riverland road. i remembered how i felt when we were first getting together. i remembered also you asking me if you crossed my mind when i thought about moving to texas. of course you did. man, i dont know why those moments are so sweet to me. but they are. i recognize it. take another deep breath to try to stop the flow of tears before it begins. and i think of the day when i come up to you to say, "hey. just wanted to let you know i'm good. i met somebody else and he's great, so im not afraid of you anymore. so feel free to talk to me all you wish, not that you probably will. just wanted you to know im good."
my shoulders are tight. my smile is naught. i am sad.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
i miss you every day. some more than others. i hate you today. because i love you. i have no idea why. seeing you yesterday was literally an answered prayer from 30 minutes prior. i wanted to be able to stare at you, watch you for a while. and i got to through lane's window, like a total creeper. and i wanted to talk to you, be with you, have one more day with you. and i got to look in your eyes. but see, i wanted to stare at you and talk to you and be turned off. be nudged further in the direction of getting over you. but the opposite happened. i thought you were beautiful. i love your face. i love your eyes, your mouth, your stories, your body, your smell, your white shoes, your faint cigarette breath. and loving you felt good for a minute. really good, like validation for the amount that i have missed you. i felt my soul let out a huge relief sigh.
and then. you left. like you always do. and my heart breaks and you slap my face all over again, telling me you don't feel what i feel.
you are selfish. you didn't know anyone else at the party really so you talked to me to keep busy. you didn't talk to me because you wanted to talk to me. and that is so incredibly selfish, given that i have recently bared my heart to you in asking you to leave me alone. BE BETTER. be stronger. next time dont tell me you are respecting me, actually fucking respect me. and leave the party. because i want to talk to you so badly that if you give me to opportunity i will take it like a weak, weak girl. my strength only goes so far. im an addict and once i start i can't stop. you give me a taste, turn my soul on, and then walk away and leave me to console myself and put the pieces of my heart back together.
-----
the version i might actually send:
i dont know why you stopped me yesterday to talk to you. i have theories, most of them are rooted in selfishness. yes it is awkward to be at the same party. but you get to me, dustin, and you fucking know it. so i dont care what the reason, if i send you a message saying that it hurts me to talk to you so please leave me alone, dont just tell me you are respecting me and my wishes, actually respect them. you know i will stop and talk to you if you give me the opportunity, because im wonderfully loving and nice. and also because i miss you and i acually really do want to talk to you. but it's not good for me. because you leave me standing there. every fucking time and you are fine and i am shaken. and i know you know this. so actually respecting me would mean you do not talk to me, even if it's awkward and even if you want to. you. are. hurting. me. please stop. let me move on. i did not anticipate you would bother me this much but it is what it is. when i'm fine, i'll let you know. until then, unless you are contacting me to tell me that you are a dumbass, you miss me every day, and you want it back, i dont want to hear from you. be a man that's actually worth what my heart feels, and avoid me even.
starting now.
------
2 days later, i will send no such thing. i will commit to avoiding him for 60 days, praying that i will keep my hands open. for my heart to release him in peace, to be still and breathe as the flow of life washes over me. for me to not grip tightly god's gifts. when i see him, when i get the urge to stare, lord, let me sit, take three deep breaths with my hands open and say, "i trust the process of life. i release you in love. i am complete." and hopefully i will conquer my fear that he will come to me and i will not be able to say no and i will be left shaken. again.
i will not. i am strong. i am capable. i am complete.
and then. you left. like you always do. and my heart breaks and you slap my face all over again, telling me you don't feel what i feel.
you are selfish. you didn't know anyone else at the party really so you talked to me to keep busy. you didn't talk to me because you wanted to talk to me. and that is so incredibly selfish, given that i have recently bared my heart to you in asking you to leave me alone. BE BETTER. be stronger. next time dont tell me you are respecting me, actually fucking respect me. and leave the party. because i want to talk to you so badly that if you give me to opportunity i will take it like a weak, weak girl. my strength only goes so far. im an addict and once i start i can't stop. you give me a taste, turn my soul on, and then walk away and leave me to console myself and put the pieces of my heart back together.
-----
the version i might actually send:
i dont know why you stopped me yesterday to talk to you. i have theories, most of them are rooted in selfishness. yes it is awkward to be at the same party. but you get to me, dustin, and you fucking know it. so i dont care what the reason, if i send you a message saying that it hurts me to talk to you so please leave me alone, dont just tell me you are respecting me and my wishes, actually respect them. you know i will stop and talk to you if you give me the opportunity, because im wonderfully loving and nice. and also because i miss you and i acually really do want to talk to you. but it's not good for me. because you leave me standing there. every fucking time and you are fine and i am shaken. and i know you know this. so actually respecting me would mean you do not talk to me, even if it's awkward and even if you want to. you. are. hurting. me. please stop. let me move on. i did not anticipate you would bother me this much but it is what it is. when i'm fine, i'll let you know. until then, unless you are contacting me to tell me that you are a dumbass, you miss me every day, and you want it back, i dont want to hear from you. be a man that's actually worth what my heart feels, and avoid me even.
starting now.
------
2 days later, i will send no such thing. i will commit to avoiding him for 60 days, praying that i will keep my hands open. for my heart to release him in peace, to be still and breathe as the flow of life washes over me. for me to not grip tightly god's gifts. when i see him, when i get the urge to stare, lord, let me sit, take three deep breaths with my hands open and say, "i trust the process of life. i release you in love. i am complete." and hopefully i will conquer my fear that he will come to me and i will not be able to say no and i will be left shaken. again.
i will not. i am strong. i am capable. i am complete.
Friday, June 1, 2012
i wonder how many days in a row i have pulled up your facebook page just for the hell of it?
i'm not pregnant, hallelujah. seriously.
nate is going to work with me at the farmers market this weekend. weird, i know. i have zero expectations, i just needed a helper.
why am i still fucking thinking about dustin. i miss him today.
i'm not pregnant, hallelujah. seriously.
nate is going to work with me at the farmers market this weekend. weird, i know. i have zero expectations, i just needed a helper.
why am i still fucking thinking about dustin. i miss him today.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
oh baby
i love also that nate "broke up" with me and i haven't written a damn thing about it.
i stillll have not gotten my period. (i halfway want to send nate a picture of my period tracker that loudly, in bright pink and green, says that i am 10 days late....but i wouldn't cuz that's whoa, teenage drama). what makes me a little more nervous about this is that both shannon and cassie are excited at the thought that i actually might be pregnant. it makes me nervous that for a moment, i was, too. i did get some birth control, though, if said period does ever happen. today i told shannon this. it went like this.
me: i did get some birth control. it's like 30 bucks a month though. that's dumb
shan: pretty sure kids are like $3000 a month.
me: ha. good point. im just saying, it's dumb to be paying $30 a month if im not having sex right now.
shan: yeah but you're still getting drunk.
me: ha. good point again.
i actually really hope and dont think im pregnant. but i LOVE that my friends are so beautiful and amazing and supportive. seriously. cassie and shannon's responses to the possibility (excitement, shannon wondering tpo herself if i would find out the sex beforehand, cassie saying that what she said freshman still stands (we could raise it together in our dorm room)) show me again why they are my people.
----
i thought the other day that i might be okay with dating a smoker because it makes me feel less like i have to be less perfect.
----
my phone beeped last night that i had a text message and i wondered if it might be nate. my imaginary response to his imaginary text was, "nate. darling. i realize im ready for man who knows what he wants and knows what he's got. you dont need to keep texting me, ok?" if i get a real text from him, i do believe i will actually say this.
remember? i am THE prize. i keep forgetting....
----
i hate that during our very first phone conversation only three weeks after we basically met you said to me, "you're not going to be able to do it, nicole. you're a romantic. you're not just gonna be able to sleep with anyone who has a good line and a smile. you're not built that way. i know that's not very "casual" of me to say, but it's true." and i hate that you're probably half/more than half right.
and i hate this:
me: awww, nate. this sucks (smiling, half embarassed, half as if im telling a funny story). i hate that the last time we hooked up i was kind of embarassed. and now it's done and im gonna keep thinking of that.
nate: ohh, you wont be embarassed with you? will you be embarassed? dont be embarssed.
me: yeah. probably. yeah. for a bit. but i'll get over it.
nate: silence.
change scenery....
me: (sheepish smile, eyes hidden, slowed in the act). im sorry. i think i just get....embarassed...
you: whooooa. come here. (you pull me up to look in my face). embarassed? no way. do you even...know...like...this (gesturing to me and my body, my face, my person) and you and everything you are....is....(shaking your head). there is just NO place for embarssement at all. ok? ok? there's just not. come over here....
i hate that you still win, another situation, yet again. and that right now my heart is too tender to go out and try to find someone else to try to beat you.
-----
i love that today i spoke candidly and honestly to my mother about what happened with nate. so yes, i told her i slept with him on her birthday. and that he felt guilty about it and i didn't. ok, i didn't tell her that i was embarassed cuz i pulled his penis too roughly the last time we hooked up, but other than that i was pretty candid. and she is, as always, amazing. i hope it doesn't make her uncomfortable and now she's like, oh lord, what did i do telling my daughter to have more sex?? ha.
i stillll have not gotten my period. (i halfway want to send nate a picture of my period tracker that loudly, in bright pink and green, says that i am 10 days late....but i wouldn't cuz that's whoa, teenage drama). what makes me a little more nervous about this is that both shannon and cassie are excited at the thought that i actually might be pregnant. it makes me nervous that for a moment, i was, too. i did get some birth control, though, if said period does ever happen. today i told shannon this. it went like this.
me: i did get some birth control. it's like 30 bucks a month though. that's dumb
shan: pretty sure kids are like $3000 a month.
me: ha. good point. im just saying, it's dumb to be paying $30 a month if im not having sex right now.
shan: yeah but you're still getting drunk.
me: ha. good point again.
i actually really hope and dont think im pregnant. but i LOVE that my friends are so beautiful and amazing and supportive. seriously. cassie and shannon's responses to the possibility (excitement, shannon wondering tpo herself if i would find out the sex beforehand, cassie saying that what she said freshman still stands (we could raise it together in our dorm room)) show me again why they are my people.
----
i thought the other day that i might be okay with dating a smoker because it makes me feel less like i have to be less perfect.
----
my phone beeped last night that i had a text message and i wondered if it might be nate. my imaginary response to his imaginary text was, "nate. darling. i realize im ready for man who knows what he wants and knows what he's got. you dont need to keep texting me, ok?" if i get a real text from him, i do believe i will actually say this.
remember? i am THE prize. i keep forgetting....
----
i hate that during our very first phone conversation only three weeks after we basically met you said to me, "you're not going to be able to do it, nicole. you're a romantic. you're not just gonna be able to sleep with anyone who has a good line and a smile. you're not built that way. i know that's not very "casual" of me to say, but it's true." and i hate that you're probably half/more than half right.
and i hate this:
me: awww, nate. this sucks (smiling, half embarassed, half as if im telling a funny story). i hate that the last time we hooked up i was kind of embarassed. and now it's done and im gonna keep thinking of that.
nate: ohh, you wont be embarassed with you? will you be embarassed? dont be embarssed.
me: yeah. probably. yeah. for a bit. but i'll get over it.
nate: silence.
change scenery....
me: (sheepish smile, eyes hidden, slowed in the act). im sorry. i think i just get....embarassed...
you: whooooa. come here. (you pull me up to look in my face). embarassed? no way. do you even...know...like...this (gesturing to me and my body, my face, my person) and you and everything you are....is....(shaking your head). there is just NO place for embarssement at all. ok? ok? there's just not. come over here....
i hate that you still win, another situation, yet again. and that right now my heart is too tender to go out and try to find someone else to try to beat you.
-----
i love that today i spoke candidly and honestly to my mother about what happened with nate. so yes, i told her i slept with him on her birthday. and that he felt guilty about it and i didn't. ok, i didn't tell her that i was embarassed cuz i pulled his penis too roughly the last time we hooked up, but other than that i was pretty candid. and she is, as always, amazing. i hope it doesn't make her uncomfortable and now she's like, oh lord, what did i do telling my daughter to have more sex?? ha.
Monday, May 28, 2012
today
today i love myself. im proud of me and realize i am competent and smart and talented and i fully embrace life's joy's and tragedies.
i love earth fare and the people who share their lives and bananas with me. i love lattes and meeting new people who work for coffee shops that share my goodness.
i love florence and the machine and how moved by music i have been lately.
i will even say i love that i still periodically look at dustin's facebook page because it gives me something to do and i like to see how i will react.
i love my business practices....that i am often scattered but that i still get shit done.
i love that i am alone today and tom is not working.
i love that i am encouraging and loving.
i love that i try so fucking hard all the time. to be. to do. to relax. to love.
i love my tattoo.
i love my insecurities.
i love that i have little sexual experience.
i love bikram and how much i love it.
i love the farmers market and how comfortable and happy i am there.
i love that i know that dustin will be out of town next week because he mentioned a concert to me ONE time. ha.
i love that i know myself and i like hanging out with myself. today.
i love the lord and how he never leaves me.
i love you.
i love earth fare and the people who share their lives and bananas with me. i love lattes and meeting new people who work for coffee shops that share my goodness.
i love florence and the machine and how moved by music i have been lately.
i will even say i love that i still periodically look at dustin's facebook page because it gives me something to do and i like to see how i will react.
i love my business practices....that i am often scattered but that i still get shit done.
i love that i am alone today and tom is not working.
i love that i am encouraging and loving.
i love that i try so fucking hard all the time. to be. to do. to relax. to love.
i love my tattoo.
i love my insecurities.
i love that i have little sexual experience.
i love bikram and how much i love it.
i love the farmers market and how comfortable and happy i am there.
i love that i know that dustin will be out of town next week because he mentioned a concert to me ONE time. ha.
i love that i know myself and i like hanging out with myself. today.
i love the lord and how he never leaves me.
i love you.
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