im housesitting downtown. it was a lovely saturday-im-sort-of-off-work day so i decided a stroll would be nice.

i love downtown charleston on a saturday morning. the homes, the streeets, the trees, the carriages cruisin by. decided i one day will have a sweet house that costs a lot of money. not huge, just sweet. in a place like downtown charleston. a house only the really lucky get to have.

i of course go down queen street toward d's house. i hope to be outside of his house and hear him strumming away on the guitar. in which case i may or may not pop my head over and say hey. i get there and sit near his house for a minute and ask myself what the hell im doing. lord, guide me heart. tell me what to do here. am i really just so unfamiliar with the inexplicable connection that comes from sleeping with someone that i am this confused about what im supposed to do with my emotions? why am i so fucking obsessed with sorting all of it out? getting it out of my head. i tried to remind myself that it wasn't just that we slept together, that there were so many things about him that i loved. mostly the way he interacted with me. not his character on paper or anything. nothing cool and quality like that. just the way 95% of his responses and actions with me were perfect.

anyway, i walk by on my way back home and i text this: strollin down queen streen and not gonna lie i was a little sad to not hear the guitar strumming.
i walk away and the song that goes, "smiiiile, tho your heart is breaking...aching..etc." is on. i have a little sway in my step and a smile on my face. im glad i texted even if he does not respond...cuz at least i did what i wanted. he responds: "there actually was some guitar strumming. does she say hi?"
i first respond and then delete: "like in real life or via text message?"
then: "i suppose she could. do you want anything from queen street grocery." also deleted.
finally: "you caught her on a good day so i suppose she could."
i then start walking back toward his house. not knowing what im going to say or do or how im going to act. his car is not in his driveway and the door is not open. i knock.
no response for too long and my heart starts pounding and i start sweating, thinking, "oh shit, he did not mean for me to come by here." im about to turn around and run awkwardly (maybe) and i get a text that says," that makes me smile ms. rager. im glad you're smiley. im working at marion square rolling cigars!!"

geez i was embarrased for my stupid presumption. that i was gonna get just what i thought i wanted. to see him. i did not respond. i feel good about that. i did walk all the way up to marion square, met up with a boy who owes me money for goodness, and then walked back. wasn't really hoping to run into him at the square just no longer had a mission and was dragging out my morning.
it did start pouring down rain before i began my 15 block walk back home so that was great.
that's what i get for being retarded and walking where i knew he was. but i'd rather know where he his tho than wonder if he's on every single street i walk down. obsessed.

by the way im logging all this shit bc i cant wait to reread the whole process after i write that im completely over it. come ON, happen already. how long is this gonna take? what are you trying to teach me universe?

-------------

sarah told me last night (again) that she can't wait to meet my man. and that she's already prepared to be jealous.
today im sick of that idea. ohhh if you haven't met him yet just have faith. he's gonna be so wonderful. everything you ever dreamed is out there. whatever. probably not. i'm just gonna not dream about gay shit like being in love and try to find contentment in other great things. friends. work. music. nature. beauty. who the fuck needs romance? its all dumb. and im not saying that so as to trick myself or the universe into surprising me by having love-of-my-life romance show up. thats retarded, too. i think i might just die before i find my person. so i guess i dont really have a person. that's cool. whatever.

seriously, you little shit?

i have never defriended anyone. two days ago i decided to defriend dustin.

i like facebook. i like posting statuses, pics, etc, because i get excited about life and this is a way for me to share my excitement/brag about my awesomeness with people who may or may not care. it somehow boosts my ego, too, which im not really proud of, but whatever. however, i know dustin looks at my shit. i know this because he makes comments and refers to posted pics. and i just know. the last time i saw him i told him to stop commenting and stop sending me messages. he says, "understood." all compassionate like, like, "oh, ok, this is harder for you than this is for me. i get it. i'll respect that." implied undertone, "im cool, calm, this me+u thing was not a big deal." so he has stopped sending messages and commenting. but i know he looks.

so i quit looking at his page like a week and a half ago because it wasn't doing me any good. i used to look like once a day because i missed him so i thought finding out what he had been doing would help a little. i eventually realize it did not. so i'm trying to get over it, let go, move on. recreate life without his influence. but, even without looking at his page, i noticed that when i play on facebook there is this little, almost unconscious knowing that he is out there, maybe observing. and i dont want to be influenced by that shit. i. want. you. gone.

-----
part of me does not of course. i want to hold onto the magic i have previously spoken of. but the other part feels it's unhealthy and unnecessary to hold on, and is also impatient and doesnt want to hurt anymore. so is this a healthy choice or an impatient choice, im not sure. both probably.
-----

so i defriend. and i feel GOOD. for two days in a row. feel like im moving on. letting it go! ahh...
i come out of yoga yesterday feeling all zen and........little fucker has sent me a facebook message. of course he did. it says this:

"Well i guess the defriending speaks for itself, and i should probably know better than to message you in spite of, but it's beiber's birthday and i thought of you. enjoy the dance party. see you around i suppose...."

first typed and unsent response: "you're such a little shit. that's all i want to say for now."
my head was shaking and i smiled a little in disbelief.

then i got angry at his dis-fucking-respectful, can't-let-a-girl-move-on behavior.
second typed and unsent response: "what i wish would happen is that you were walking beside my car right now as i read your message, taking a late lunch, so i could speak at you without a filter. but you're not, and you've fucked up my good yoga mood once again, and im left to sit here and stew and sort my emotions out on my own.
i dont know exactly what the defriend says to you, but you're not dense, and you know i'm not spiteful or bitchy, so yeah, you should've known better than to send me a message.
give me some fucking room, dustin."

THAT, in my opinion, is an amazing response. i was furious. but my yoga-teaching, new fantastic friend, charlotte, said, ummm, do NOT send that. ha.

so i did not. i will say nothing. and he can sit and pretend nothing bothers him, and he's all suave and cool and mature, and it isn't driving him crazy that i dont have warm fuzzies anymore when i think about what we had. i wont sit here and wait for you to change your mind, see that im worth the risk. im going to move on. have fun doing whatever you have to do to deal with that.

i'll create my own room. if you cant grow up and admit when you're being a selfish fuck, i, once again, dont have time for you.

seriously. go away.


-----
as i reread his message, i wonder how unemotional he is about this. cuz it's true that it's kind of a plain ol message. and i got SO emotionally charged reading it.
maybe he doesn't care. it wasn't a big deal. and he is being nonchalant, trying to say hello to his friend.
but i feel like he should know im not feeling nonchalant. im hurt. struggling to not be affected as much as i am, to not think about him as much as i do. and therefore he should respect me. be considerate. i defriended you for crying out loud.
but people are people, and they are weak. we want and need approval and we seek it in various ways. shannon said he's a people pleaser and can't stand the idea that someone might actually get over them. maybe. whatever.
im pretending today i didn't get a message and carrying on as i was.

oops

so i wrote about matt before. then i saw him at earth fare a couple of days later and gave him a big long hug. and i felt awkward around him for the first time ever because i felt like he had read what i had written.
maybe he could feel the vibes rolling around in the universe.
oops.

i wonder if i feel sad sometimes because i used to have a general loneliness in me that i had gotten comfortable with before i met d, and now i have a person to put it on. that and he affirmed and awakened the idea that being crazy chemically attracted to and interested in someone is a fantastic feeling. it had been so long since i'd felt that way that it sort of became this idea in my head that might exist, instead of an actual remembrance of a feeling. if you haven't had rich, dense chocolate cake since you were a kid you forget how good it really tastes so you don't miss it. like, from your soul. you taste it again after all those years and you wonder how you're going to go 10 more years without it again. you wish you hadn't tasted it again at all.
-------------
you smoke, that's gross. you think you're great, perfect, enlightened. i think you are selfish and manipulative. do you even really love people? or do you just use them to get what you want? im pretty sure you admitted that to me. is that who you are as a person or do you just do that occasionally? are you okay with being that person or do you feel like you need to change some of that?
you harshly judge people you dont even know and act like you are carefree about life and relationships. no one is judgemental of others, especially strangers if you dont have some anger deep inside that you are misplacing. and no one judges strangers and doesn't judge the close people in their lives. you pretend you dont, but really you are just quieter about it. maybe dont even admit it to yourself. you judge the strangers so you can be vocal about at least some of the judgements you are making.

i want to be loved by someone who is a lover in general. loves people. loves himself. you cannot love me the way i want to be loved if you're not a lover. i dont want to feel the judgement. i may be strong and love myself, but im also tender hearted. and you will hurt me.

so go away. fill someone else's mind. i'd like to put my loneliness on someone else.
----
i dont feel good saying these things about you. cuz my heart is a lover. i want to forgive, to accept, to love. and let go. but today im a little sad, so i'm trying a more logical technique. telling myself why i dont want to be with someone like you anyway.

you drink too much. your family is nuts. pretty sure you talk about women with your friends in that nasty objectifying way that i hate. and you left me at my house when i was feeling small and vulnerable. you are not good enough for me. you are not good enough for me. you are not good enough for me.

this teqnique does not work like i want it to. strangely the loving technique is more powerful i think. i think this shit just takes time and im impatient.

i decided yesterday that i think it would be great if i never saw you again. i think i mean that.

love em a little

What do I want to do. What do I wish were happening. I wish I were taking a nap. Im tired. And instead im sitting here at this amazing French bakery eating a huge baguette with cheese and pepperoni like I shouldn’t worry about it. But im kind of worried about it. So that will probably make it digest poorly and I’ll weigh 132 tomorrow instead of my beloved 129. The funny thing is, I do a little bit feel like because the French eat like this and they seem less carefree and obese than we Americans, I should be fine. Know what im gonna do? Im gonna eat this carb and saturated fat filled sandwish and drink this glass of wine and go take a nap in my car.

But first i wanna talk about something. Few things. 1- there are a couple of people in my life currently that I don’t feel like I deserve. Ok, there are a lot of people in my life I don’t feel like I deserve but im talking dudes here. Exhibit A: Benjamin Marker. I call him Benji. With a lot of I’s like Beeeenjiiiiiiiii. He texted the other day telling me that a waitress called him benji and he told her that only one woman was allowed to call him benji and it wasn’t her. Ben and I used to work together at a restaurant when i first graduated college. I had a crush on him because he was the most positive, hard working waiter I had ever seen. And He is funny, has a great laugh, and loves music like it’s water to his being and he would die without it. He had a crush on me because [I speculate], I found him fascinating and always listened to him as such. I am also energetic, enthusiastic, find childlike joy in random things, and still have an intensity that runs through me and allows me to understand and gravitate toward deep issues of life and of the heart. When I think about it, ben sees and loves things about me that I would want someone to love. We made out a few times, but then I fell in love with someone else we worked with. A total fuck who lied to my soul about who he was. Ben was probably miserable watching it. I moved to Charleston after knowing ben 8 months and upon departure he gave me the deepest, most moving love letter I have ever received.

---[sidebar]---

happy inside. Sitting here typing, drinking wine, occasionally looking at my phone as three of my best friends and I group text back and forth. Shannon in her happy place as she beats cassie at cards, Christi getting her toes done meeting them in an hour, and me sending them quips about thinking I should be fired since im doing what im doing instead of working, as well as pictures of greeting cards that say things like, “I’d be worried about getting older if I weren’t so damn sexy….” Yes, I now love today. I love my friends. I love wine.

----resume----

I kept that letter taped behind the towel rod in my bathroom until my ex-boyfriend used the towel and found it. It’s wasn’t that I was in love with ben. It’s that I want to always remember that someone once saw my heart and loved it. Selflessly. And he gave up romantic love to maintain a friendship with me. for 8 years. For this is feel honored, lucky, deeply grateful. And I will probably always expect on some level that he will one day leave me. Cuz on that same level I believe that if I don’t love someone enough to call them my person, especially if they might like for me to be theirs, I shouldn’t expect their friendship. Who knows though - Ben may have gotten over his romantic feelings for me and truly just love me as a friend. Maybe. Nah. Lets be honest, a girl can feel it when a man wishes you were his. Even if not forever. I can feel it. And im his friend anyway. And for this I feel like I don’t deserve him.

Exhibit B: Matt from the produce department at earth fare. Same kind of deal. Well, same premise. I’ve known matt for 2 years, maybe 3. I make a fruit and nut bar for a living so I buy and use a shitload of bananas. We became friends this way, by high frequency of being in the same place at the same time, and because I like to talk to people. I like to make friends. And I like to tell even my brand new friends what is going on with me that day. So one day it would be like, “matt, guess what?! [bright eyes, little excited jump.] remember I was telling you I was trying to get Nutty Goodness approved for the whole south region of whole foods and I wasn’t really worried about it cuz I had a feeling it would happen really easily? Well sure enough! ONE WEEK! Took me one week to get approved. I emailed one person and he forwarded it to the head lady and the head lady emailed me back like 3 days later saying all looked good, send her some samples and we’re good to go! I told you. Im kind of magic. [smile]. Isn’t that great??” his eyes are blue, warm and his smile is genuine as he chuckles at my excitement and says, “that’s great! You’re gonna be a millionaire before you know it.” He always stops what he’s doing always to listen to my stories. Looks right in my eyeballs. Instead of reading too much into his personality or how he may feel about me, I always attribute his attentiveness to the fact that he works in the produce department and he welcomes distraction. Especially distraction that includes good stories somebody specifically wants to share with HIM, as opposed to a customer asking where the ginger is located. There are many excited stories like this. There are also neutral stories. He tells me stories. I ask about running. His family in philly. Tell him he NEEDS to go see them for Christmas, make the time, you love them, matt. GO! He tells me his new years resolutions. I tell him im trying this new thing called casual dating and I’m a hot mess and the boys better look out. There was another time that went like this: I walk in, slow, pushing my cart apathetically. I see him, I sigh. “how’s it going?” I say, again, slowly. Much calmer this day. “not bad, same ol’. Whats up with you?” I do a shoulder shrug. “nothing, same ol’.” He looks at me a little inquisitively, nods upward a touch and says, “what’s up? What’s the deal? You alright?” “yeah, fine. Im just over it matt. I wanna quit. Im tired. Im sick of being anxious. I just don’t give a fuck. I don’t care. If people call me and order today I wanna say, ‘yeah yeah, sure, ok.’ And then never ship it to them. No I probably just wont pick up the phone.” He listens. He says he feels the same. So we say “fuck everything” together in spirit. He hugs me one armed, strong, and I rest on his chest a little bit. Then I shrug and say, “it’ll be fine. That’s just where I am today. I’ll see u soon.” And I carry on.

Sooo the other day I did some day-drinking. Had a great time. Then I got tired and sort of ready to go home but didn’t have a ride so carried on to appease my company. We randomly end at up at party where some peeps from earth fare are hanging out. For some reason I didn’t expect matt to be there but I look over in the corner and there he is. We don’t really see each other outside of the produce department, mind you. He sees me and he is surprised and his face lights up a little, as does mine. I go over and bury myself in his hug as he says, “what the hell are you doing here,” softly, affectionately. I stay in that hug for a long time. Longer than was appropriate. I felt a little bit like we had a secret because nobody, including us really, would understand why we have a relationship and how to characterize it. I remember feeling safe, grateful. Like I wanted to be protected and he was doing it. It was unexpected. But also not if im honest about it. He does make me feel safe. Like he loves me a little bit. [ps. i like that phrase, “loves me a little bit.” It means “he thinks he likes me in a more-than-friends sort of way and wishes we could date because he probably has me up on some sort of pedestal, off which I would soon fall if we dated, I’m sure.] Shoot, he does have a lot of sisters so he could just be good with making girls feel safe. Or he could indeed love me a little bit I don’t know. Anyway, the next day I felt guilty because I love him a little bit, too, but not in the pedestal sort of way. In the “I run the show a lot and I just want to be loved and appreciated and allowed to show up in whatever mood im in and it be okay and thus, feel safe and happy and comfortable being me and you let me do that” sort of way. And if he’s looking at me in the pedestal way, and im looking at him in my aforementioned way, then I don’t think it’s fair for me to sit in his hugs as long as I want to. And I don’t think its fair that two days later when I see him at earth fare and tell him more stories, like the one about being “casually dumped” by my most recent [only] casual dater, he listens, laughs and sidebars, “he’s a dumbass,” in the middle of it. I appreciate him so much, but I wouldn’t call him my person. So I don’t feel like I deserve him to be there and bring me as much joy as he does. I dread the day he leaves me, too. I hope it doesn’t come.

---ok by the way, I DO feel like I deserve to receive joy in life, and for other people to bring it to me. It just seems like in romantic relationships there is SO MUCH that has to line up for two people to decide they want to be in a committed relationship and it rarely happens as both parties want. Usually one person wants to be with someone who’s not ready or not interested or not attracted to them and heartbreak ensues. Why cant matt and I just have what we have, and ben and I have what we have and there be no [severe] heartache? Maybe we can. Maybe I just have old scars and beliefs that tell me we cant. That something bad is gonna happen.

Stupid tony podany. He was the best guy friend I ever had who may have loved me a little bit. Or a lot a bit, I don’t know. He got back with his [jealous] ex-girlfriend several months after I moved to Charleston and he quit calling as frequently. Then he quit returning my phone calls. I pretty much never talked to him again. no falling out, no nothing. He married her and I cried when I wasn’t invited. Whether he loved me a lot a bit or a little bit, we were close. We were friends. I loved him a little bit. And he left me. And I miss him still.

So who knows.

the grass is green on THIS side

i dont work very much and today i am grateful.

i sit at home and maybe print some invoices, stop to take the trash out, make a couple phone calls, stop to get a spoonful (or 6) of peanut butter, craigs list search some new equipment, think about what time im going to yoga, listen to meditation cds and/or techno and/or old school R & B, write in my blog, read angela's blog, send a text message to the guy who is actually working FOR me, facebook stalk the fool, who for the first time today is losing his magical pull on my heart, then maybe decide i should brush my teeth and run an errand or two....before i go hit balls.

i wanted to sell my business and quit whyyyy? i like this life. today.

read this

you're stupid. and you're not good enough for me. you want to hang out with the magic that is me? the magic girl that everyone wants a little piece of? you're fucking lucky you got any time with me at all. you caught me at a time when i wanted and needed something and you happened to be able to offer it. which is great. thank you. i'd apologize for using you but im not sorry. because what you apparently cant offer is actual integrity. your integrity expands and stretches beyond your person only about the distance of the t-shirt surrounding your body. if something makes you uncomfortable, stretches you, requires that you work, you quit. and THAT sort of person i dont have time for. i need a man who wants to be more. who wants to sacrifice. who's not afraid to be better than everyone else. cuz i am. bigger. better. always wanting to love more, grow more, be more.

im sorry you missed your opportunity.

now quit sending me bitch ass messages that say nothing but, hello, im thinking about you. oh, im not gonna do anything about it, but just want to make sure im still in your mind. be a man. or go away. nah, just go away. im over you.