love em a little

What do I want to do. What do I wish were happening. I wish I were taking a nap. Im tired. And instead im sitting here at this amazing French bakery eating a huge baguette with cheese and pepperoni like I shouldn’t worry about it. But im kind of worried about it. So that will probably make it digest poorly and I’ll weigh 132 tomorrow instead of my beloved 129. The funny thing is, I do a little bit feel like because the French eat like this and they seem less carefree and obese than we Americans, I should be fine. Know what im gonna do? Im gonna eat this carb and saturated fat filled sandwish and drink this glass of wine and go take a nap in my car.

But first i wanna talk about something. Few things. 1- there are a couple of people in my life currently that I don’t feel like I deserve. Ok, there are a lot of people in my life I don’t feel like I deserve but im talking dudes here. Exhibit A: Benjamin Marker. I call him Benji. With a lot of I’s like Beeeenjiiiiiiiii. He texted the other day telling me that a waitress called him benji and he told her that only one woman was allowed to call him benji and it wasn’t her. Ben and I used to work together at a restaurant when i first graduated college. I had a crush on him because he was the most positive, hard working waiter I had ever seen. And He is funny, has a great laugh, and loves music like it’s water to his being and he would die without it. He had a crush on me because [I speculate], I found him fascinating and always listened to him as such. I am also energetic, enthusiastic, find childlike joy in random things, and still have an intensity that runs through me and allows me to understand and gravitate toward deep issues of life and of the heart. When I think about it, ben sees and loves things about me that I would want someone to love. We made out a few times, but then I fell in love with someone else we worked with. A total fuck who lied to my soul about who he was. Ben was probably miserable watching it. I moved to Charleston after knowing ben 8 months and upon departure he gave me the deepest, most moving love letter I have ever received.

---[sidebar]---

happy inside. Sitting here typing, drinking wine, occasionally looking at my phone as three of my best friends and I group text back and forth. Shannon in her happy place as she beats cassie at cards, Christi getting her toes done meeting them in an hour, and me sending them quips about thinking I should be fired since im doing what im doing instead of working, as well as pictures of greeting cards that say things like, “I’d be worried about getting older if I weren’t so damn sexy….” Yes, I now love today. I love my friends. I love wine.

----resume----

I kept that letter taped behind the towel rod in my bathroom until my ex-boyfriend used the towel and found it. It’s wasn’t that I was in love with ben. It’s that I want to always remember that someone once saw my heart and loved it. Selflessly. And he gave up romantic love to maintain a friendship with me. for 8 years. For this is feel honored, lucky, deeply grateful. And I will probably always expect on some level that he will one day leave me. Cuz on that same level I believe that if I don’t love someone enough to call them my person, especially if they might like for me to be theirs, I shouldn’t expect their friendship. Who knows though - Ben may have gotten over his romantic feelings for me and truly just love me as a friend. Maybe. Nah. Lets be honest, a girl can feel it when a man wishes you were his. Even if not forever. I can feel it. And im his friend anyway. And for this I feel like I don’t deserve him.

Exhibit B: Matt from the produce department at earth fare. Same kind of deal. Well, same premise. I’ve known matt for 2 years, maybe 3. I make a fruit and nut bar for a living so I buy and use a shitload of bananas. We became friends this way, by high frequency of being in the same place at the same time, and because I like to talk to people. I like to make friends. And I like to tell even my brand new friends what is going on with me that day. So one day it would be like, “matt, guess what?! [bright eyes, little excited jump.] remember I was telling you I was trying to get Nutty Goodness approved for the whole south region of whole foods and I wasn’t really worried about it cuz I had a feeling it would happen really easily? Well sure enough! ONE WEEK! Took me one week to get approved. I emailed one person and he forwarded it to the head lady and the head lady emailed me back like 3 days later saying all looked good, send her some samples and we’re good to go! I told you. Im kind of magic. [smile]. Isn’t that great??” his eyes are blue, warm and his smile is genuine as he chuckles at my excitement and says, “that’s great! You’re gonna be a millionaire before you know it.” He always stops what he’s doing always to listen to my stories. Looks right in my eyeballs. Instead of reading too much into his personality or how he may feel about me, I always attribute his attentiveness to the fact that he works in the produce department and he welcomes distraction. Especially distraction that includes good stories somebody specifically wants to share with HIM, as opposed to a customer asking where the ginger is located. There are many excited stories like this. There are also neutral stories. He tells me stories. I ask about running. His family in philly. Tell him he NEEDS to go see them for Christmas, make the time, you love them, matt. GO! He tells me his new years resolutions. I tell him im trying this new thing called casual dating and I’m a hot mess and the boys better look out. There was another time that went like this: I walk in, slow, pushing my cart apathetically. I see him, I sigh. “how’s it going?” I say, again, slowly. Much calmer this day. “not bad, same ol’. Whats up with you?” I do a shoulder shrug. “nothing, same ol’.” He looks at me a little inquisitively, nods upward a touch and says, “what’s up? What’s the deal? You alright?” “yeah, fine. Im just over it matt. I wanna quit. Im tired. Im sick of being anxious. I just don’t give a fuck. I don’t care. If people call me and order today I wanna say, ‘yeah yeah, sure, ok.’ And then never ship it to them. No I probably just wont pick up the phone.” He listens. He says he feels the same. So we say “fuck everything” together in spirit. He hugs me one armed, strong, and I rest on his chest a little bit. Then I shrug and say, “it’ll be fine. That’s just where I am today. I’ll see u soon.” And I carry on.

Sooo the other day I did some day-drinking. Had a great time. Then I got tired and sort of ready to go home but didn’t have a ride so carried on to appease my company. We randomly end at up at party where some peeps from earth fare are hanging out. For some reason I didn’t expect matt to be there but I look over in the corner and there he is. We don’t really see each other outside of the produce department, mind you. He sees me and he is surprised and his face lights up a little, as does mine. I go over and bury myself in his hug as he says, “what the hell are you doing here,” softly, affectionately. I stay in that hug for a long time. Longer than was appropriate. I felt a little bit like we had a secret because nobody, including us really, would understand why we have a relationship and how to characterize it. I remember feeling safe, grateful. Like I wanted to be protected and he was doing it. It was unexpected. But also not if im honest about it. He does make me feel safe. Like he loves me a little bit. [ps. i like that phrase, “loves me a little bit.” It means “he thinks he likes me in a more-than-friends sort of way and wishes we could date because he probably has me up on some sort of pedestal, off which I would soon fall if we dated, I’m sure.] Shoot, he does have a lot of sisters so he could just be good with making girls feel safe. Or he could indeed love me a little bit I don’t know. Anyway, the next day I felt guilty because I love him a little bit, too, but not in the pedestal sort of way. In the “I run the show a lot and I just want to be loved and appreciated and allowed to show up in whatever mood im in and it be okay and thus, feel safe and happy and comfortable being me and you let me do that” sort of way. And if he’s looking at me in the pedestal way, and im looking at him in my aforementioned way, then I don’t think it’s fair for me to sit in his hugs as long as I want to. And I don’t think its fair that two days later when I see him at earth fare and tell him more stories, like the one about being “casually dumped” by my most recent [only] casual dater, he listens, laughs and sidebars, “he’s a dumbass,” in the middle of it. I appreciate him so much, but I wouldn’t call him my person. So I don’t feel like I deserve him to be there and bring me as much joy as he does. I dread the day he leaves me, too. I hope it doesn’t come.

---ok by the way, I DO feel like I deserve to receive joy in life, and for other people to bring it to me. It just seems like in romantic relationships there is SO MUCH that has to line up for two people to decide they want to be in a committed relationship and it rarely happens as both parties want. Usually one person wants to be with someone who’s not ready or not interested or not attracted to them and heartbreak ensues. Why cant matt and I just have what we have, and ben and I have what we have and there be no [severe] heartache? Maybe we can. Maybe I just have old scars and beliefs that tell me we cant. That something bad is gonna happen.

Stupid tony podany. He was the best guy friend I ever had who may have loved me a little bit. Or a lot a bit, I don’t know. He got back with his [jealous] ex-girlfriend several months after I moved to Charleston and he quit calling as frequently. Then he quit returning my phone calls. I pretty much never talked to him again. no falling out, no nothing. He married her and I cried when I wasn’t invited. Whether he loved me a lot a bit or a little bit, we were close. We were friends. I loved him a little bit. And he left me. And I miss him still.

So who knows.