oh baby

i love also that nate "broke up" with me and i haven't written a damn thing about it.

i stillll have not gotten my period.  (i halfway want to send nate a picture of my period tracker that loudly, in bright pink and green, says that i am 10 days late....but i wouldn't cuz that's whoa, teenage drama).  what makes me a little more nervous about this is that both shannon and cassie are excited at the thought that i actually might be pregnant.  it makes me nervous that for a moment, i was, too.  i did get some birth control, though, if said period does ever happen.  today i told shannon this. it went like this.

me: i did get some birth control.  it's like 30 bucks a month though.  that's dumb

shan: pretty sure kids are like $3000 a month.

me: ha. good point.  im just saying, it's dumb to be paying $30 a month if im not having sex right now.

shan: yeah but you're still getting drunk.

me: ha. good point again.

i actually really hope and dont think im pregnant.  but i LOVE that my friends are so beautiful and amazing and supportive. seriously.  cassie and shannon's responses to the possibility (excitement, shannon wondering tpo herself if i would find out the sex beforehand, cassie saying that what she said freshman still stands (we could raise it together in our dorm room)) show me again why they are my people.
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i thought the other day that i might be okay with dating a smoker because it makes me feel less like i have to be less perfect.
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my phone beeped last night that i had a text message and i wondered if it might be nate.  my imaginary response to his imaginary text was, "nate.  darling.  i realize im ready for man who knows what he wants and knows what he's got.  you dont need to keep texting me, ok?"  if i get a real text from him, i do believe i will actually say this.

remember? i am THE prize.  i keep forgetting....
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i hate that during our very first phone conversation only three weeks after we basically met you said to me, "you're not going to be able to do it, nicole.  you're a romantic.  you're not just gonna be able to sleep with anyone who has a good line and a smile.  you're not built that way.  i know that's not very "casual" of me to say, but it's true."  and i hate that you're probably half/more than half right.

and i hate this:

me: awww, nate.  this sucks (smiling, half embarassed, half as if im telling a funny story). i hate that the last time we hooked up i was kind of embarassed.  and now it's done and im gonna keep thinking of that.

nate:  ohh, you wont be embarassed with you?  will you be embarassed?  dont be embarssed.

me: yeah. probably.  yeah.  for  a bit.  but i'll get over it.

nate: silence.

change scenery....

me:  (sheepish smile, eyes hidden, slowed in the act).  im sorry.  i think i just get....embarassed...

you:  whooooa.  come here. (you pull me up to look in my face).  embarassed?  no way.  do you even...know...like...this (gesturing to me and my body, my face, my person) and you and everything you are....is....(shaking your head).  there is just NO place for embarssement at all.  ok?  ok?  there's just not.  come over here....

i hate that you still win, another situation, yet again.  and that right now my heart is too tender to go out and try to find someone else to try to beat you.

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i love that today i spoke candidly and honestly to my mother about what happened with nate.  so yes, i told her i slept with him on her birthday.  and that he felt guilty about it and i didn't.  ok, i didn't tell her that i was embarassed cuz i pulled his penis too roughly the last time we hooked up, but other than that i was pretty candid. and she is, as always, amazing.  i hope it doesn't make her uncomfortable and now she's like, oh lord, what did i do telling my daughter to have more sex?? ha.

today

today i love myself.  im proud of me and realize i am competent and smart and talented and i fully embrace life's joy's and tragedies.

i love earth fare and the people who share their lives and bananas with me.  i love lattes and meeting new people who work for coffee shops that share my goodness.
i love florence and the machine and how moved by music i have been lately.
i will even say i love that i still periodically look at dustin's facebook page because it gives me something to do and i like to see how i will react.
i love my business practices....that i am often scattered but that i still get shit done.
i love that i am alone today and tom is not working.
i love that i am encouraging and loving.
i love that i try so fucking hard all the time.  to be. to do. to relax. to love.
i love my tattoo.
i love my insecurities.
i love that i have little sexual experience.
i love bikram and how much i love it.
i love the farmers market and how comfortable and happy i am there.
i love that i know that dustin will be out of town next week because he mentioned a concert to me ONE time.  ha.
i love that i know myself and i like hanging out with myself.  today.
i love the lord and how he never leaves me.
i love you.

dont think about him dont think about him dont think about him.  you are tired.  he is dumb.  remember, you have better shit to do.  so true.

goodbye for real?

i broke up with dustin again via text message yesterday.  i dont know why.  i was not feeling overly emotional or anything.  i think i just realized it was silly for me to keep putting myself in a position that perpetually kept disppointing me.  i always want more and i dont get it.

so i said some nice things, honest things about how he got to such a sweet place in my heart that it was hard for me to keep pretending its not painful when i see him and that i dont always leave our two minute conversations feeling unsatisified.  so i asked him to not bring breakfast anymore. and told him i was going to pretend he left because i was ready for him to go because i needed it.  and to know i was sending him good things always.

him: "i am humbled and flattered.  and i of course will respect your wishes, nicole.  you are a beautiful woman and will always hold a spot in my heart."

me: sigh. clearly he is fine with letting it go. ugh. ok im ready too. fine. embarassed slightly but fine.

then a minute later, him: "and the rest i don't know how to articulate..."

me: "well try you fucking dot dot dotter. make it easier on me or something. ha"

him: "i think about you too. and i understand really i do, but your terms is what im ...ing.  it seems the rules are what got us here in the first place.  that sounds harsh to say but its not meant to.  I dont quite know what i mean to say."

me: "can you call me to figure it out?"

him:"i dont have the words for you, nic.  i'll think about it and if you want tomorrow we can have a little chatski. i'll see how this comes out of my head."
(*chatski?  this is not a fucking joke to me.  no you dont think about me the way i think about you.  you just dont. there have been too many times where you did not call.  did not sit with me long enough.  dont fucking say you think about me too.  it is not the same. cuz you would also call me in this moment instead of texting. dont get mad at my rules cuz your heart is fine.  mine is bigger and hurts more. )

me: "ok...and some other blah blah...thanks for responding"

me today:  he has not made the effort to communicate therefore this is not important to him.  i am fine with this.  why would he argue with me?  i need space.  i have fucking needed space since the beginning.  for some reason he just gets to me, i dont care if it's right or wrong or justified it just fucking happens.  i dont need him in my life.  this texting bullshit made me feel like our connection was not all i thought it was.  it could be what ive said before - that it WAS all i thought it was but that he couldn't handle it.  or, shit, maybe i was just ripe for romance, ripe for a confident man to come in and not need anything from me but still tell me i was amazing, and therefore i thought we had a great connection.  fuck the connection.  im so over this.

seriously, goodbye for real.  i dont think im gonna daydream about him with smiles on my face anymore.  i used to enjoy it and permit it, now im tired of idolizing weak ass him and our so called connection. 

ive got better shit to do.

Yeah i think i was crazy yesterday.  im sick. defenses down. overly analytical.

today i have no intention of asking dustin anything on saturday. 

i took nate to the airport today.  he told me i looked good/cute/great several times.  and i caught him staring at me like i was amazing more than once. 

that's all i need, man.  for you, right now, all i need is for you to think and act like im great to keep me from preferring/reminiscing about the other dude.  keep it coming.

intuition or hormones

something doesn't quite feel right about nate.  when im with him, i am calmer.  i think ok, he's funny, charming, cute.  this is good.  but today, he's out of town, i dont really feel like he misses me, like we're faking this thing.  i just get a weird vibe.

is he reacting to me thinking he's not into me and thus pulling away or is my intuition telling me to let it go?  last week when i was out of town we were texting a lot, i was having fun, i liked where we were going.  this week something shifted.  a little bit friday when we slept together and afterward i asked if he was feeling guilty.  he says yes.  i say, hmmm, maybe i dont want to sleep with you anymore.  which i realize now could possibly make him feel insecure.  but whatever!  i want a man who can handle his insecurites and pursue me anyway.  so the other time i felt like something shifted was sunday night.  we spent the day together, it was really great.  i was crushing him, having a good time.  then i spend the night at his house for the first time and i say no to fooling around for the first time, he ends up getting up in the middle of the night to sleep in the other room cuz his "mind won't shut off."  next morning is fine...ish.  i feel like he's distant, this makes me uncomfortable.  i have felt weird ever since.  and thinking about dustin ever since.

ugh.

today i am tentatively planning to ask dustin on saturday if he ever finds himself wanting to spend time with me.  not as an invitation, just as a question.  we'll see if i do it.

i couldn't sleep last night.  my throat hurt enough that it woke me up several times.  i also kept thinking i needed to do something to move on. i was with my friend laura earlier in the evening and she asked what was up with me, so i told her about lots, including you.  she was encouraging and wonderful, insightful.  she reminded me of a few things and also told me you were an idiot for letting me go.  i didn't have to DO anything.  if you want to come get me with some romantic gesture you can, but other than that, im amazing and can just move on and i dont need someone like you who is too stupid to realize that i am THE prize.

that's nice and all but i felt better when i was just appreciating you, loving you, knowing we will be fine. 

maybe.  but maybe this is the inevitable place i end up when i start thinking about you in any other terms than "i need to get over it."  this place being one where im sad, mind churning, think i need to DO something.  either call you and have one more present day with you or tell you how i have been feeling and dealing these past couple of months and therefore you need to stop bringing me breakfast and i need to pretend you are gone.

i might do that i dont know.

might need to just breathe and rest and just know im overwhelmed today.  i can shut my mind off, it's ok.

im sick, tired, overwhelmed, and hope my stomach doesn't feel weird cuz it's growing nate's baby. the other day i felt like that woulda been fine, i'd figure it out.  today i think i was being retarded and immature.  ha.  i dont want a baby right now.  yikes.  how bout that for a way to end an entry.

divine

i read something in a yoga book that said something along the lines of, "we experience a remembrance of our essential divine nature (that is joy) when we are falling in love.  everything seems brighter, the smiles come easier, nothing can dampen our mood.  we remember that we are all connected in love."

i wonder if this is a way of explaining what happened with us.

and it was too much for you.  i dont blame you.  i love that the universe is so beautiful that it could connect two people on such a deep, deep level that no one would expect.


i love you.  and release you to the care of the one who loves you even more than i.  we will be fine.

i wonder if there will be a day when i dont believe we were connected on a deep spiritual level.

you cross my mind unexpectedly and with a feeling similar to one that comes when i think about friends i have had for years.  since we haven't known each other nearly that long it's very hard to explain why i would feel that way and therefore Mind quickly tells me that i shouldn't feel that way.  that something is awry in my brain to make me think our connection would be that deep.  but today, instead of judging the feeling and believing Mind, i think i'll just wonder.  wonder if and when it will stop feeling that way.  and wonder if you feel it, too.

if i weren't afraid of being wrong i'd say with confidence i know you do.  i know you feel me.  you miss me.  you think about me regularly.  you just push it down with denial better than i do.

i think it's interesting that you have gradually over the past two weeks spent more time with me at the market.  you asked for the first time since our coffee shop meeting how I am doing.  and you listened.  you were with me for the first time in five meetings.  can't help but think it's because i am finally allowing the fibers that are wound with your soul to loosen and release some.  this reinforces the idea that you know.  you know how i feel.  you know my heart.  so even when i was not communicating with you, i was just suffering on my own, you knew it.  and it was too much pressure for you and you did not feel safe to be around me, to be present with me.  i dont blame you.  but now that i'm letting go, you feel safer.  because i feel more stable to you.

people thinking in earthly, less mystical terms would probably just attribute this to boys wanting what they can't have.  but i know better.  and i will stand by that now, even though it seems silly and scary and "out there" to do so. 

i like nate.  he makes me happy and i definitely have a crush on him.  and that feels good.  and when you and i spoke last saturday i did not feel anxious like i usually do with you.  combination of letting go, liking someone new, and you actually being there with me.  so i felt good, not needy, not missing you more than usual or anything.

then the texting:

me: "i didn't say thank you for breakfast.  but i thought it. big."
you: "your eyes and your smile said it for you, deary. ;)"

me: a sigh as i drop to sit on my cooler, cover my face as my heart squeezes. unexpectedly and suddenly my eyes well up.  i have not stopped loving you.  chris, a cute market frequenter shows up just in time to switch gears in my heart and mind.  i am grateful for this.