little by little i learn

i got the first longer than 30 seconds conversation on saturday.  during which he tells me he's not leaving the country.  great.

he loves my tattoo.  keeps thinking about it....

nate shows up at the market for a couple of hours.  we touch a lot.  having a crush on him makes me happy. he is a large reason why dustin's continued presence in this city does not scare me so much.

i go to a cooking class bridal shower the next day and eyeball the super cute chef.  hard.  we exchange numbers.  i feel like an incredible success.

nate and i go to a concert together that evening and i find him intriguing, charming, cute, sexy, good.  im getting nervous about my heart and dont know what to do about it.

i find myself wanting to talk to dustin about these other dates and how it is challenging me to open up again. i want to ask him how he feels when he is with other people.  if he ever thinks about why he and i were so great together.  if we really were this crazy, meant-to-be, perfectly-on-the-same page duo.  meant-to-be-for a short time, but meant-to-be nontheless. and perhaps other relationships may not have the initial ease that we did, but they could still have incredible power and beauty and longevity and depth.  by the initial ease i mean the perfect kisses, perfect touches, perfect looks, perfect words.  and i do mean PERFECT.  (definition: i would want them to be no different, completely and totally enjoyable).  nate and i sometimes have perfect kisses, and some of the affection is perfect, but often our kisses are just a little off.  for some reason it takes a sec to get in the right rhythm.  his touches on my face are often too firm for my taste, but i do like him touching me regardless.  i dont ever remember a kiss with dustin that didn't fit.  i dont remember a touch that didn't make my mind stop and my heart and body melt into his.  there were of course a couple mid-sex moments that were not my favorite, but cmon, he can't be THAT perfect.

 i guess my challenge to continue asking for what i need (i.e. "i like it when you...) without being afraid that person won't like me or they will get mad or leave me is still on the table, large and in charge.   maybe dustin was so perfect because my challenge at this stage of my life is to keep doing that, but relationships, and my heart, and sex are such tender sitations for me.  so in order to step out of my comfort zone and grow, i needed a nearly perfect, perceptive man for that.  at least to start.

the heartbroken aftermath was just an unavoidable residual effect.

so i guess i carry on.  continuing my practice with nate (and possibly chef JJ) to speak my mind and heart without fear. and to try my damndest not to fear the heartache again.

reminders

nate.  we need to talk about him.  that's a funny story.

tattoo.  i got one.  and we need to talk about that.

dustin.  he's leaving the country in 5 days.  hooray.

hanging in there

still! im ok!

mom (and dad) helped break the pattern i think and im so so grateful.  im being cautious with my mind of course though.  mom explained to me that im such a loving person (thanks mom) that it's unnatural for me to shut him out, to be intentional about not texting, etc. because i want him to know he's loved.  even as a friend.  but, because he got to my heart somehow it's too tender and it's dangerous to do that.  so i need to protect my lil' heart in this case even tho she wants to be generous.  so im treating my heart and mind that way, with TLC, instead of harsh words like, "this shouldn't bother me, suck it up, you'll be fine, blah blah."  amanda, my roommate explained to me that since he is no longer texting me first and/or immediately after i communicate with him it is clear i am no longer on his radar.  he is special to me, but i am not longer special to him.  that, with its matter-of-fact-ness, strangely helps stop the obsessive thinking cycle before it can begin.  angela explained that the reason he was able to move on so quickly is because men can compartmentalize more than women can.  that also helps.  dad explained, with his fantastic humor, "the fact that he was a smoker doesn't bother me.  smokers aren't so bad.  it's the short thing that bothers me.  i'll have to be like, "Look at me in the chest when you're talking to me!"
my dad is funny.

alan came by the market also.  not to see me and he may not have even stopped had i not caught his eye but whatev.  he talked to my dad some.  i talked to his ex-long-term-girlfriend, frances.  i dont think i even said anything to my dad but he brough him up later and said, "that guy alan, he seems like a very nice young man.  from a man's perspective, i would like to hear something from you, like, "it was good to see you again today," so i know you're interested."  i told him how we have been interested in each other for 3+ years but our timing sucks and i think he still has a girlfriend.  dad said, "well he may, but he is either still interested in you or he's interested in me, and i'm pretty sure it's the former.  so i sent what he told me and dad put money on the fact that he would respond.  he did.  pretty sure i'd like to marry that guy. and if i actually when on a date with him or hung out with him outside of the farmers market at all i'd want to even more.  he's dangerous.  or my person. ha.

saw lane at church also.  we have plans now to go to a kick ass old-school r&b concert in june.  he loves me and would protect me in such a good godly sort of way.  he's just good.  i love him, too.  our conversation ended with him saying, yeah, so think about getting married, let me know. he jokes, but he doesn't.  i can't commit now.  never could.  yet his purity and his love makes relationships with these other boys feel so different.  inferior somehow.  why can't i commit to him?

ran into nate the day my parents left also.  hadn't seen him since the day after a drunken sleepover on st. patty's day and hadn't communicated two days after when i responded to his friendly text with, "i'm gonna be MIA for a while.  i don't need to be getting drunk and doing things like we did the other night.  i know that sounds bad, but, yeah."  so i show up at a birthday gathering with a group of christians and there he is.  we talked after dinner.  i told him i was sorry for freaking out in a very cool, charming, why-boys-like-me sorta way.  he said he'd like to go to spain with me when i go for a month.  i think he was serious.  we went back to his house to keep conversation going.  hung out on his roof under the stars and had great conversation until we decided to stop talking.  this time i haven't freaked out.  i mean, i did decide i needed to pray every morning this week about what god wants me to do with my heart/mind/hormones, but i didn't freak out. i rather enjoyed myself.

all of this, and i am still nervous about the market saturday.  will dustin bring breakfast?  if he does what will i say?  if he doesn't will i be sad?  but im reminded of one of my little email notes from "the universe" that said, "do not make decisions, nicole, until it is time to make them."  it is indeed not time.  i'll be fine. i love me. love life. love god. all is well in my world.

YES YES YES

I'm good!  she fixed me.  multiple new techniques, time, love, magic, whatever.
im good.

we were always meant to be casual, no strings attached, easy, fun.  short-term.  somewhere in there, and for whatever reason, we both thought it might be something else.  it just so happened that he realized/remembered that was NOT true and he let it go.  took me a little while longer. (two miserable months longer, despite my best efforts.)  but today i am thrilled to just let let it be what it was.  short-term, easy, wonderful.  it was never meant to be anything but that.

sweet jesus i feel free.  and i will stay this way.  im claiming it. :)

save the day, please

my mom is coming today for an entire week.  i am so grateful, excited, hopeful.  i hope she can fix me. give me that free therapy that will take dustin out of my mind foreva.

why do i love him so?  i know i dont.  my brain is addicted and i cant make it stop. 

all suffering comes from denying what is.  he gave me five minutes and the market and i wanted 5 hours.  so i suffer. 

i suffer more because i dont understand how i can know as much as i know, and love as much and as many people as i do and still want to force a reality that is not and will not happen.  fucked up.

but totally loved jesus and was all happy yesterday.  and today i am again nuts.  that is why i am additionally fucked up.