magic, for the hundreth time

so my last guy was pretty great. but i remember saying to my marsha that i wanted certain things to be easier. like "me" things. things i work on. like saying what i want or need. asking for time alone when i need it and not feeling guilty about it. because i used to feel guilty a lot. mind said, "it'll be fine. as soon as he gets here you'll be fine and you'll enjoy it. even though you're in the mood to not have an obligation, social or otherwise, to do whatever you feel, to not think. just tell him he can come over. you said he could so suck it up. it'll be fine." i wanted it to be easier to say, i just want to be alone tonight. but it was always like pulling fucking teeth.

so when we broke up i asked marsha if she thought there was someone else for me that these sort of things would just be a little easier or if i'm always gonna have to work on getting better at these things. she said i'd probably need to continue to work.

i call new guy today 10 minutes after or planned rendezvous time. i had spent the last 30 minutes trying to decide if i wanted to hang out or keep working. i knew what i wanted and damnit, here i am again contemplating not doing what i want because i dont want him to be upset, and/or because i feel like the universe has this protocol that says if you set a plan and don't stick to it then you aren't very good at life and/or you're rude and inconsiderate. so i call. i tell him i haven't done much work and i'm sounding all wishy-washy like. he says, well what do you want to do babe? i hesitate. he jumps in and says, "well here are my sorta plans....maybe we just meet up later, no biggie," in this genuine, totally not upset sort of way. i tell him what i want, we plan a later rendezvouz, and i end the phone call with an excited hooray. he then texts this: you hoorayed like that might have been more difficult than it was. of course i want to see you. but do what you need. I'm easy. keep me posted. ;)

if he's for real, and there really are easy people/guys out there that don't get upset when i'm not as perfect as i wish i were, that make it easier for me to do hard things, then consider my heart expansively grateful.