but why

i'm afraid.

i'm afraid i will text him too much and i will lose the intrigue.
i'm afraid he doesn't really want to hear from me and i will annoy him. this is embarassing to me.

if i think about what he has implied, it would seem he'd like for me to call/text/whatever. invited me to a concert a month away. says he wants to go to asheville for a weekend. says he wants me to think about who i want to invite to dinner this week. talks about being cheesy smiley all the time. i hold back and dont jump on these invitations and text messages with excited yesses and i agrees. i agree, but without guarantees. why do i do that? it's not that i dont like him, and i would like for all of these things to happen. i think again i am afraid of getting excited about something and it not working out.

dude, it's not even really that. its that i really dont want to be embarassed. i feel vulnerable and dont like it. i am picturing him smugly making a fool of me. apparently for some reason i do not trust this person because he has given me no reason to think he would do this. when im with him i like it. i like him. i feel vulnerable but im comfortable in it. and i may say romanticish things. but then i leave and it's like all of that wasn't real. i dont really know him. he could be someone totally different than he seems and i'm about to get fucked. and embarassed. that's probably why when we are together i never want to leave.

lets see. intuition. girly insecurities. trust issues. that old bastard who lied to my soul. who's driving the bus here?