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i have no idea what im thinking doing feeling.
three days ago i kissed him goodbye and told him i loved him with my mind and was not ashamed.
the next day he nearly begged to see me in the evening, then got drunk with his buddies and disappeared textually.
the next day he calls twice, but not to apologize for disappearing but for advice on what he should do with his future. i casually mention my disapp0intment and the end of our conversation, he apologizes out of obligation.
next day he again asks to see me. im tired and in a mood. but yes i want to see him. he comes over, i cook dinner, im embarassed and feeling sort of insecure for some reason. probably cuz he's hurt my feelings. we eat, we chat, he brings up the one topic i dont really like talking about and proceeds to hit a nerve inside that topic. i get defensive. slightly. more than that i just stop talking and dont really know what im feeling. to analyze i go outside for a minute or two. i come back in, tell him im sorry, im fine. he tells me how weird it was. it was not that fucking weird.
but he uses it as an excuse to leave me alone at my house after i apologized, told him i was just tired, worn out from yoga whatever. he left. told me my reaction was unexpected, he thought we were just talking, now he feels off.
fuck that, you were off before you came over.
dont blame me because my insecurities and vulnerabilities can come out whether you say something weird or not. i can sense it. i can sense your motives. im not overreacting. YOU are blaming. fuck you. you're insecure, dont know what you are doing with your future so you asking ME what i'm going to do. dont know what you're doing with your feelings so you're trying to get mine all worked up. tell me you like everything about me, that you think im beautiful, that you dont know why im upset. that you are here, for me to do whatever i need. in other words, try to make me feel like im nuts. i think you are full of shit.

here's the dilemma. you could be full of shit. or i actually could be nuts.
i could be reacting because im super scared of being vulnerable. OR i could be reacting because you are not safe to be vulnerable with.
all has been well up to this point. i have missed you. wanted to see you. loved your text messages, touches, calles, everything. went with the flow, followed my instincts.
but today, for the second day in a row, i dont want to talk to you. my back is tense and i want to spit on and run away from you.
so i've either projected a completely different person on you than you really are, or something has shifted and little girl is in danger zone.

i want to see what happens....

not-so-secret

i read her blog and i notice once i finally make myself do something else that i've been smiling the whole time. i love her with my soul. i wonder why. i sometimes want to be her. but i know that we love each other as much as we do because we are completely accepting of each other and authentic about who we are at the same time.

i feel lucky that she chose me to love.

magic, for the hundreth time

so my last guy was pretty great. but i remember saying to my marsha that i wanted certain things to be easier. like "me" things. things i work on. like saying what i want or need. asking for time alone when i need it and not feeling guilty about it. because i used to feel guilty a lot. mind said, "it'll be fine. as soon as he gets here you'll be fine and you'll enjoy it. even though you're in the mood to not have an obligation, social or otherwise, to do whatever you feel, to not think. just tell him he can come over. you said he could so suck it up. it'll be fine." i wanted it to be easier to say, i just want to be alone tonight. but it was always like pulling fucking teeth.

so when we broke up i asked marsha if she thought there was someone else for me that these sort of things would just be a little easier or if i'm always gonna have to work on getting better at these things. she said i'd probably need to continue to work.

i call new guy today 10 minutes after or planned rendezvous time. i had spent the last 30 minutes trying to decide if i wanted to hang out or keep working. i knew what i wanted and damnit, here i am again contemplating not doing what i want because i dont want him to be upset, and/or because i feel like the universe has this protocol that says if you set a plan and don't stick to it then you aren't very good at life and/or you're rude and inconsiderate. so i call. i tell him i haven't done much work and i'm sounding all wishy-washy like. he says, well what do you want to do babe? i hesitate. he jumps in and says, "well here are my sorta plans....maybe we just meet up later, no biggie," in this genuine, totally not upset sort of way. i tell him what i want, we plan a later rendezvouz, and i end the phone call with an excited hooray. he then texts this: you hoorayed like that might have been more difficult than it was. of course i want to see you. but do what you need. I'm easy. keep me posted. ;)

if he's for real, and there really are easy people/guys out there that don't get upset when i'm not as perfect as i wish i were, that make it easier for me to do hard things, then consider my heart expansively grateful.

roots

hot ice cream maker. thats how i think of him upon immediate visual. i also think of him as the dude who worked in finance, making great money, and quit to make ice cream with local ingredients. and that recently sold said business after just one year and is now working with 3-6th graders at a low income public school in order to teach them sustainable farming. i also think of him as the dude who coaches and plays soccer regularly as well. thus i think about his ass. i then look at his mouth and think he's cute enough and smart enough and good hearted enough to have dated quite a few women and think he'd be really fun to be naked with.

i've got another dude on the way to meet me. who i also reeeeeally like being naked with. and who is so perfect for me in this stage of my life and who i am incredibly grateful for and crushin on, hard. but ice cream maker asks for my number and says he'll get in touch saturday so maybe we can meet up downtown. i secretly want to change all saturday plans to make this happen. i probably will. maybe. probably. doubt it. but i want to.

but why

i'm afraid.

i'm afraid i will text him too much and i will lose the intrigue.
i'm afraid he doesn't really want to hear from me and i will annoy him. this is embarassing to me.

if i think about what he has implied, it would seem he'd like for me to call/text/whatever. invited me to a concert a month away. says he wants to go to asheville for a weekend. says he wants me to think about who i want to invite to dinner this week. talks about being cheesy smiley all the time. i hold back and dont jump on these invitations and text messages with excited yesses and i agrees. i agree, but without guarantees. why do i do that? it's not that i dont like him, and i would like for all of these things to happen. i think again i am afraid of getting excited about something and it not working out.

dude, it's not even really that. its that i really dont want to be embarassed. i feel vulnerable and dont like it. i am picturing him smugly making a fool of me. apparently for some reason i do not trust this person because he has given me no reason to think he would do this. when im with him i like it. i like him. i feel vulnerable but im comfortable in it. and i may say romanticish things. but then i leave and it's like all of that wasn't real. i dont really know him. he could be someone totally different than he seems and i'm about to get fucked. and embarassed. that's probably why when we are together i never want to leave.

lets see. intuition. girly insecurities. trust issues. that old bastard who lied to my soul. who's driving the bus here?

Girls are nuts and relationships are so weird.

I dont like it when you dont text me until late in the afternoon.

im not really worried about anything, like that youre not going to. or that you've had enough of me or something. cuz lets be honest, i'm way too easy and pleasant to be around for you to have had enough. and yes, we have at least text communicated every day for the past month, so one day off, or delayed, is probably warranted. i kind of need a break, too. and i'm not texting you, so why should i expect that you would text me?

because you have every day, that's why. and because i just want you to damnit. say you're thinking about me. say "good morning, gorgeous." say, "i missed you last night." say, "whoa! crazy morning at work!" so i think there's a reason you aren't feeling as romantic this particular morning as you usually are.

i hate caring. i hate wanting things i dont have. i want to be distracted, busy, fulfilled enough by other things that i dont even notice your absence.

truthfully this is better because the last time you were on a textcapade in the morning when i was trying to work i loved it a lot and i was all blushed and distracted and having a great time with your sexually inappropriate texts that make me nervous and excited at the same time. but despite spending that morning in the lighthearted happiness i usually covet, i moved into the afternoon feeling guitly, unproductive, loserish because i can't get motivated for work. so it's better. because today (this writing time aside) i have been super motivated, focused, productive. except i'm pissed cuz you haven't said hello today.

just say hello. come on....