it'll always be him. (until its not him.)

he walked in today and i wasn't expecting him at all.  i wonder what my face looked like.

ended my phone call.  chatted.  was awkward.  thought, holy cow, we haven't been alone together in the evening for months.  is my dream really about to come true?

his body language didn't necessarily give me hope, not for this particular night at least, but with this occurrence of us randomly and unexpectedly being alone together did come a whisper from the universe reminding me that all all all things are possible.  keep dreaming, nicole.  about all things, i mean.

yes, yes, i realize this is a terribly irrational thing to dream about coming true.  hasn't the whole thing been irrational? um yes.  because i am through the throes, i can say it has been fun for me on one level to do and crave (over and over again) something that is bad for me, doesn't make sense, and will likely hurt me....and not give a fuck.  i almost always give a fuck.

again, irrational.

he's awkward.  we're awkward.  it reminded me of the days when we had first met and i would ask incessant questions to keep him from leaving.  i just wanted more.  tell me more!  keep talking.  please?  i wanted to do that today.  but it's almost like there has been too much. too much disappointment, confusion, desire, anger.  too much has happened, even though nothing more really happened, and i/we can't go back to just innocently asking questions and pretending its just friendly conversation.  he's made me so angry.  disappointed me.  I've missed him.  and not been able to tell him.  I've thought about him so much.  his presence affects me so much still after all of it.  actually maybe thats not why i couldn't ask the questions, couldn't act normal, like i care about him.  its probably because the "so much" that happened included him distancing himself from me, ignoring me, avoiding me.  so now that he is here, in my face, alone in the warehouse, just because there is space to act how i want to act, he has set a precedent, albeit a second one, that makes it difficult to try something new/old.

mix that with this strange feeling that i know him, that he knows me, that we actually love each other and you have a whole pile of awkward.

there are so many questions i have for him.  do you ever think about it? do you regret it?  do you wish it were different?  do you ever wish we'd slept together? does it feel uncomfortable when you see me?  can you tell how hard its been for me?  do you wish i wouldn't care about you so much? what do you think about me?  I'd love to know that one.  do you think i am a naive girl who can easily be manipulated into falling for a man who objectifies women on the regular?  do you hide your true self from me so that i will be infatuated with you?  or do you think I'm wonderful?

and then the other part speaks: you haven't really talked to him in months. who cares. let it go.

i try.  believe me.

it's almost over. its moving.

but that does't mean i didn't love seeing him in all his awkward.