so much

has happened.

to say.

to wonder.

to let go.

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i will write.  i will write.  i will write.

i have wanted to write all day.  to figure things out probably.  my mind is all over the place.  not in an anxious way per se.  but all over the place nonetheless.

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time with sean was really nice.  i appreciated him so much.  its amazing how different people can bring out different things in you.  i didn't feel i was being anything less than fully me, fully present, fully alive.  yet seeing how someone else can bring out/emphasize something different in me just 36 hours later shows how complex and beautiful we humans are.

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i am on the right track. i am.

i am moving forward.  i swear!
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am i trying to hold on?  WHAT part of me is trying to hold on?  i let it go!  i deleted the emails!  i slept with someone else! i gave my trust to the universe, to god, to life, to bring me more!  i believe it no longer servers me to hold on to the past!

but.

i let go and he comes to me.  subtly of course.  not begging.  hes not back. [what do i expect honestly? if you are really letting it go, dont hang out where he may be, how bout that?  but i like it there!  i dont go there to see him, i go there because i just dont have any desire to go anywhere else.  i swear its not about him!]

so we cross paths today.  after ive talked about sleeping with someone else who made me feel amazing - comfortable, light, fun, sexy, content.  SO genuinely and fully i felt and talked about these things. and i am open to the NEW, the future.  for the first time, not looking back.  but he walks in.  and i remember immediately.  no, i know immediately.  this is not even remembering.  

whoa.  That is a different story.  A MAN.  Whoa. 

and i hang up the phone call i just began and i talk to him.  and he's here.  he's present.  oh, sweet sweetness.  The one I love.  This presence that stole my heart so effortlessly.  when im in that presence, my time with sean feels surreal and frivolous and cheap.  though at the time i felt nothing of the sort!  but in the presence of my one, i feel i have settled.

but i havent!  i mean, how could that be?  sean is single, present, enamored, honest.  This one is here and gone and not mine.  

i cannot describe the contrasting, shifting feelings and the surprise that went with them.

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he said he would love to flip houses for a living.  doing the work himself, having less stress in his life.  my soul saw and felt our life together.  it was so natural to go there.

and then she sighed as she realized, nope.  not this time.  another lifetime, another place.

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bright side: my emotional body now very clearly knows the difference between appreciating/enjoying a person and being in love.

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when you fall in love with a person, like the way i am with him, where it doesn't make sense to the majority of my being, does it ever go away?

which brings me to another line of thinking: STOP.  stop stop stop.  When, Nicole, will you draw the line?  Stop hoping? I know you've let go of hoping for the past, for things to be romantic again.  Maybe now it's time to stop hoping that you can even be friends?  maybe you need to cut him out entirely.  just know that you are in love with him and it will not go away and therefore you must be strong and avoid avoid avoid.   

that makes me sad.

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he uses my energy.  he doesn't fill me up. go away from him.  stand your ground.  boundaries.

every time i go out of town and am away from him i feel better.  more satisfied.  grateful.  [so that's great and all but how do you explain what happened today?  i mean, it makes sense that if i am grateful and happy and not seeing any problems with my life then i should just keep doing the thing that makes me feel that way.  and im all for that.  but then.  when i see him and i just fucking love him.  and feel like ohhhh thaaaat.  thaaat's what this is supposed to feel like.  that feeling makes it hard to think its right to just run away and live as if that feeling doesn't exist.  like im settling.  you know?  but maybe its just a trap.  a test.  an experience.

choose wisely.

____

i fantasized about having one magical night with him before i leave the country and we aren't careful and i get pregnant.  and i was HAPPY thinking about it.  even if we weren't together.  just having his baby made me happy in my fantasy.  like it justified our connection maybe.  i wasn't afraid of repercussions.  i wouldve been happy if it happened.

what makes that worse is that sean and i weren't exactly careful this weekend.  and ive already taken a shitload of vitamin c just in case.  i dont want to have his baby.  but this other one.  the married one.  who disappoints me over and over and over again.  i would.

so fucking weird.

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so should i stop going to bull street? really say goodbye? i guess maybe.

whats meant to be will be.

ill try to continue focusing on the new and fresh and my one who will make me feel like sean did AND how he does.

WHAT are you saying universe?
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I will say it was nice today.  all this drama im writing about, yes its there a little.  but not like it was.  and i do just love him.  and appreciate him.  and like shannon said today, "just enjoy that hug."

what great perspective.  enjoy what you had with him.  be grateful.  and carry on.