MORE CHANGES

Wow, one year ago, nearly to the day, I last wrote.   Big changes since then.  I left Costa.  (But not before another wonderful rendezvous.) Traveled across the country.  Sold my house thus acquiring Rager Holdings' first property.  Spent much time with nieces and nephews and siblings.  And got a wonderful job out of the blue doing breathwork in Costa Rica.  Whaaaat??

It's been an incredible year.  The way the job at Rythmia unfolded was so cool.   And working with people and seeing and feeling such spiritual and emotional expansion has been wild.   Sometimes overwhelming, but really so so good.  I felt i had so many opportunities to notice patterns in myself that weren't benefiting me all that much and see about how I could change them.  And also to just learn to be in the flow, to receive, to trust.  I felt I was getting better at it, better at living in balance, better and putting up boundaries, but THEN....

I have this bright red scooter.  It came with a huge, bright red helmet.  I love this scooter.  It represents freedom for me.  Also conquering my fears.  Following my desires.  Having fun.  Being brave and receiving great subsequent benefits.  So imagine my disappointment and shock when that scooter and I crashed into a brick guardrail and went careening into a ditch.

Oops.

Thank Goodness I was wearing my giant red helmet and thank Goodness and all angels, guides, and miracles that the only major damage to my body came in the form of a shattered knee cap and a sweet couple of slices across said knee.

Let the lessons begin.

chchchchanges

HOLA.

i am excited.  i am ready.  i am nervous.  i am antsy.  i am sad.  i am hopeful.  i am ummm i dont know what.  and i am always trying to figure out what i am and why.

i have to leave the apartment i share with carly mid-may.  before i found this out i was actually feeling totally content.  telling people (and of course myself) that i was feeling very happy here and maybe i would stay until october if things keep feeling the way they do.  "i will stay til i don't like it anymore."

so i found out i need to leave and almost immediately it seemed a switch flipped and i decided maybe it was time to go.  and since then it seems i dont like it anymore.  i dont not like it, but i dont feel the same contentment.

i am bored at work and find myself thinking, daydreaming about new cities and new opportunities.  where will i live?  what kind of apartment?  what will i do for work?  will i pursue a passion project or find some job where i make good money?  will i work with property investments, stock market, healing breathwork?  the options feel limitless and just right on the threshold of overwhelming/debilitating.  of course sandwiched around these thoughts are feelings of sadness and denial about having to leave my friends and life here.  am i giving up too soon?  wont i miss everyone and everything so much?  i dont want to forget about the things i do love and get sucked into a more "socially acceptable" life in the states.  did i just get the idea in my head that it's time to go and now ive got "senioritis" and im bailing and being a spoiled brat who just because she's bored at work thinks she gets to leave? dude what a shaming voice that is!  why do i do that??  why am i afraid to let that go?  to instead speak to myself positively, and without fear, trusting my intuition, being really ready to accept all the good that the universe and my vortex is ready to show me?

i suppose its just because its such old patterning.  such a deeply held societal myth that we need to be afraid of our decisions all the time.  that we need to be a certain way.  that whatever way we are being is potentially wrong.  that life can't be THAT easy.

path of least resistance.
what is the path of least resistance for me right now?

to tell myself i dont have to figure it out. vs. "i just need to...find a place i love then see what that place needs//find something i can do from anywhere so i can find a place i like to live//search the internet, use my creativity, DIG IN MY BRAIN FOR AN IDEA, visualize, visualize, visualize!, etc etc."  because remember, everything is already in my vortex, i dont have to DO anything to get it.

it will come.  just relax. be.  least resistance.

i feel like i need an anchor though.  you know how i am with dates, etc...

ok back to least resistance.

surf when i FEEL LIKE IT.  when my desire is there 100%.  when it feels easy.  reminder: i always have the best days when i do what i WANT to do.  not what i should or ummm maybe it could be fun.  lets do more wants.  for example.  yes it would be fun to surf again at 4 today.  but i dont want to go back to the restaurant and get my board so i am not going to go.  the time will open up for me to go.  i always get what i need.  always always always.  the opportunity to ride 2 diff short boards was just given to me.  free tour to rincon de la vieja.  pot brownies.  infinity pool after infinity pool.  days off.  beautiful sunsets.  free iphone.  all the surfboards i want to try.  a venezuelan lover/snuggler.  a koozie.  exactly the right amount of money in my bag to pay for something.  a straw for my mason jar.  to work on a motorcycle while my man (of the moment) and i drank bourbon.  sunscreen chapstick.  more time with sandrine.  connection with miguel.  free places to stay right when i needed it.  a running buddy, advice giver, story sharer, and listener.  i got to move around for a year spending significant chunks of time with my people in their home environments.  and im currently living in a spanish speaking country.  not to mention compliment after compliment from even total strangers. whoa, whoa, lets not forget about my rendezvous with junior.  yowza!  all these things i have wanted and received without forcing, or without even realizing i was asking!

i want to go on a surf trip.  a week of consistent teaching.  feeling strong and able and like ive figured it out.  i want to be strong at handstands.  i want to be fluent in spanish. to be able to move to any country and find friends and adjust and fit in.  to be able to start a life.  i want a clifside house-ish with an view.  big windows, breezy porch, green green plants, clean comfy architecture.  i want to go to hawaii.  i want to fly to see my friends and family when the mood strikes.  i want to pay for people to come visit me.  i want to feel great in my body. to love cooking and enjoying and laughing.  to have time and space to entertain in my space.  to be able to work in a nice environment and for it to be easy for me to feel productive.  for me to have plenty of time and space to get my work done and to have plenty of payment for the work that i do.  i want to let the idea come to me.  and for it. to. be. easy.  i want to have a baby one day.  i want to have an amazing man by my side who makes me feel stronger and more myself and inspired and at ease.  i want to just LOVE each other.  i want us to just make sense.  i dont want to worry about when i will meet him. i want a truck like juniors but better. :) cuz it's mine.  its suits ME.  flowers.  to live in a pretty place where flowers about.  right now i just thought i want to have a conversation with rebecca that helps me to not feel guilty like im abandoning her.  i want to go back to spain. gah! there's this housesitting website that has all these listings...i just feel like i need a mobile career or option before i go....but man! such a good idea.  okay, sorry.  sidetracked.  i want to get into real estate. i want to have a million dollars in the bank.  like what whaaat.

----
today i got to go surfing with 4 boys under 24 who laughed with me, spoke spanish the whole time, and one who told me i was the hottest boss he's ever had.

all in all, i'd say my life is already pretty amazing.

oh heyyy.

believe it or not i am not super stressed or emotional or in love or over analyzing.  a little analyzing, sure, but that's just me.  there are boys around and involved...also just me.

hm.  junior.  jesus.  i just fantasize about that body so much.  there's something about him.  he's not totally my type, but i want dat.  i see him and he looks at me and stops what he's doing and is intrigued by me enough that it feeds my addiction.  it makes me feel good that i can stop him from doing what he's doing to come talk to me and send me his pheromones.  speaking of, i just hopped over to facebook to send someone else a quick message and saw him liking all my photos...man.  this is a prob.  i can barely talk to the guy!  i want to spend some time with him alone but honestly it could be a nightmare - conversation lulls, me pretending to be interested in random things he's saying, him not really giving a shit about what i have to say, etc.  The sex could be bad.  I could get self conscious and uncomfortable because i think about how many people he's been with and "who am i, what they heck do i know."  or i could have a shot of whiskey and be the vixen that i am.  or pretend im a sexy little virgo virgin and let him show me how things are done.  mmmm.

stay tuned.

so many feeeeelings

I want him to want me.  that's the phrase that pops into my mind when i ask myself what i want to write about...why i feel compelled to write today.

hes so beautiful.  never been so physicaly attracted to someone in my life.  (okay okay walker was up there on that list).  but this guy, its just pure sexual energy.  watching him stand there, perfect v-neck tee, tattoos peeking out, the most perfect legs, ass, calves, forearms, everything, i have ever seen.  so he doesn't come off all that smart or articulate to me, but i forget all that when he stops doing what he's doing to stare at me across the room.

he wanted me for a minute. a hot minute.  i saw, he saw, we connected, it was amazing.  i actually couldn't believe it happened.  that someone so hot would just jump at my invitation.  im still confused.  but i think this is a problem.  i think i should know at this point that i am capable of attracting incredibly sexy, smart, beautiful men.  WHY do i not believe this?  and WHY do then i feel like i attract them for a minute and then they go away?

man, i dont even really want this guy.  i know i dont.  the first real conversation we had i was like, ummm, this will never work.  i can't even hold a conversation with him. (he may or may not have been high).  but the next day he came into my work to see me and i was beside myself with surprise and flattery and hormones and didn't give a fuck about our conversational congruence.  and NOW.  i want him so bad and i feel like i am pushing him away by some power of wrong intention.  i am creating this scenario where i feel less than.  rejected.  not good enough.  for someone i didn't really want in the first place and for someone i actually kind of got for a while.  the fact that i met him and ended up at his house up against the elevator wall two days later should be story enough, right?  satisfying enough?  but its not.  i want more, i want it again.  

and im sure the little girl is driving the bus.  there's no way the energy behind this whole this is from wise woman, right?  because little girl is the one who wants more and doesn't even care what the full picture looks like.  i just want it.  

so i dont know how to make it go away.  

i suppose i just choose.  choose the higher road.  the more spiritual road.  the non-impulsive road.  but right now to me that feels sad and boring and im disappointed.  like a little girl would be.  but my adult is, too.  im sad and i want my man.  and/or i want this man.  i want to feel connected.  i want to get my desires.  to feel worthy of having a man in bed with me who is so sexy i can hardly handle it.  and i want him to be amazing all around actually.  for it to be too good to be true, but not...because it is.  and to not be afraid that my disbelief at having received my desires is going to make it going away.

im trying to control the situation and control my thoughts and intentions and feelings.  im preparing for disappointment.  but trying not to in case that will actually cause disappointment.  im trying to be my best self because that makes me feel better but also because i know that part is attractive and maybe i can reel him in.  im pretty sure my energy right now is too needy and im trying to get something from him and he can pick up on it (not consciously of course).  the night i thought i was going to get laid and did not shifted something in me.  i went from casual and wanting sex to feeling rejected and vulnerable.  didn't even know that was possible given the nature of my desires.  but something happened.  

so.  what to do now.  

char babe said, just let it sit for a minute. that feels the best to me.  she didn't say, let it go.  she said let it sit.  because i dont want to let it go.  i want to let it sit and i want it to come back.  i want to sleep in his bed, is that so wrong?  ha, he feels like he's as close as i may get to sleeping with a celebrity. haha.

but FUCK.  i say that and im hopeful that it actually may happen, but i remember how many times i really thought walker or dustin or someone was coming back or something was going to go differently that it did.  so it may not happen.  and that is disappointing.

or it may.  lord knows the intention is there.

for now i let it sit.  i listen to my heart.  i try to stay grounded. i stay light and free flowing and open to change and love.

sheesh.  crazy week.  did i mention a DIFFERENT guy sent me a message asking if he should skip surfing to have a sex marathon with me for 24 hours?  i said no.  because i have a crush on another guy, and even if he doesn't come around, my hormones wont settle for less at this point.  so i suppose thats as close as im getting to a silver lining of spiritual maturity.

Got out the computer to write but not really sure what about.
My mood likely. Even sleep deprived and having dreamt of dave, it's surprisingly better this morning than it was most of yesterday.  Probably because it gives me a feeling of accomplishment, relief, and success just getting out of bed instead of missing my alarm.  Could also because I touched my hair this morning and it didn't feel like a thick greasy, tangly, mess.  It even looked pretty in the mirror.

Nine days left.

Nine days left wondering if I will settle in more when I am not working so much.  Wondering if I will feel better when I have a chance to create a more balanced life outside of this restaurant.  Of not having enough energy to go out and see other restaurants and meet new people and see what the social life is like.  Of wondering if I like it hear and if I will stay longer than my promised three months.  To be fair also, nine days left of not spending any money because I dont have anywhere to go or anything to do.

I am trying to be appreciative of this time.  patient.  not look too hard to the future to bring me hope and peace when it takes me out of the present.  and im doing a pretty good job.  ive attributed my discomfort to a number of possible things as a way to aid in the process, to make peace with my unsettled feelings: missing my friends, being challenged by the new language and wanting to know more than i do, being suddenly responsible for an entire business (and a dog), suddenly working 16 hours a day after not working at all for a year, general perfectionism, creepy latin men, ending things with dave/being disappointed by that whole situation, having very little alone time, riding the learning curve of it all - the new business, the dog, the language, the culture, being away from my people, having a "life" somewhere that I had never been/didn't choose because it felt good being here-all of it.  So I see all these things, and recognizing them and being gentle with myself helps me not go down a "ahhh, im not happy whyyyy" path.  But I also can't help but wonder if this place just isn't for me.

Im grateful that i have a job, a job that im good at to boot, and that i get to speak way more spanish than i thought i would, and that the people i work with are lovely, and that my roommate is great, and that there's an awesome yoga studio across the street, and the jenna is here and awesome.  but something still feels a bit off and i dont know what it is.

you know this could also be a good thing.  it could be that normally i feel something similar and i just use coping mechanisms that i am accustomed to and thus never really get to the core of whats happening, or learn to just be with it as is.   So now, in a different country, a different world, i dont have my usual coping mechanisms and comforts so i am forced to deal and/or accept.

this is good.  how cuold it not be?

for real.

funny, i ended up sending the very message i wanted to send to dave a week or so later.  just condensed.  no need for fluff.  it's time.

when i suddenly found myself expressing full pigeon yoga posture yesterday (the posture of letting go, of relationships with yourself and with others) i knew it was time. and i feel so good.

home

today i kind of want to go home.  dont really know why necessarily.  just this feeling like, "if i leave here and go there i'll feel better." but would i?
like i could be home and my focus could and prob would be any number of things.
i just need to break up with dave.
i just need to get a different apartment.
i just need to find a job i like.
i just need to practice and get better at yoga.
i need to be more social.  i need to find a man.  i need to meditate more.

would that be true?  dont know.

i guess i just want to feel more like, "wow, this place is amazing.  these people, this beach, this food, this city, this whatever.  and i dont.  all sort of neutral.

but if wise woman speaks she says, "energy cannot be created nor destroyed.  feelings of exuberance happen most often when other feelings aren't using up your energy.  most of your energy right now is being spent on remembering your spanish, navigating the jeff/rebecca dynamic, and learning all the ins and outs of this business.  its the first time you've had a job in a year! you're doing great. no te preocupes."

on another note, i see myself wanting to improve all aspects of the business here.  not because they need it but because isn't that what you're supposed to do?  always improve.  always work?

the business needs to improve.  is this true?
yes.
can i absolutely know that its true?  no.
how do i feel when i believe this is true, that the business needs to improve?
i start looking for things to do.  i feel scattered.  like im trying to get motivated.  anxiousl   pressure, like jeff is going to get mad at me.  im not doing my job.  i need to work harder.
who would i be without the thought "the business needs to improve?"
i would just do th things i was told to do. focus harder on those and relax more when there's nothing to do.
turn it around.
the business does not need to improve. (or i dont need to improve it)
i need to improve.
the business needs to improve me.
no.  the business does not need to improve...and it is not my responsibility.
three examples:
1-jeff did not say, "i want you to come down here and improve my business."
2-i am not the business owner.
3-the business seems to be supporting itself.  again, its not mine, its not my responsibility.
4-jeff said, we need some help managing.  i never claimed to be good managing a restaurant.  i am good with numbers and quickbooks, thats what i said.