one month later i write again.

a reasonable part of me knows that my feelings and longings and sadness will go away soon enough.  it's not my brain trying to tell my heart that it will go away just to make it stop hurting.  it's just a calm, logical, truth it seems; someone or something new will come and i will fall in love again and it may last for a while or it may not.

it is a cycle.

and that is okay with me today.

Sometimes it is not and my heart sobs and doesn't understand why there must be such pain.  why things have to feel SO MUCH when they are just going to go away at some point anyway.  "what's the point?" she sighs, eyes swollen from crying, muscles tired from fighting, crumpled on the floor.

But today, it is okay.

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i miss you.  are you missing me?
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i got good news today.  The boys offered to let me be done earlier than expected because they don't want to hold me back from doing what i really want to be doing.  given that i often felt disrespected and not considered, this surprised me.  dont get me wrong, they didn't treat me poorly, i just happened to feel that way at times.  could've been in my head, could've been warranted, im still not sure.  regardless, their compassion and consideration of my feelings stunned me a bit and after i hung up the phone i cried.....for a while.

i cried out of relief. (wait, this is for real?  you really are going to take this burden from me?  they really are going to take my business and i wont have to worry about it anymore??!)  sometimes i dont realize how much i want something until it is given to me.  how hard i have been holding on, holding my head high, staying positive, manning it on my own.  how much my soul just wants a fucking break but i never really fully tell myself that i need or deserve one.  instead i say, "you're just an anxious person. it's probably not that bad.  you probably complain too much.  if you would just __________ then this wouldnt be so bad." but this relief washed in so quickly that no thoughts had time to come in and steal my deservability or discourage my desire.

i cried because im a little afraid.  of whats next.  of getting what i want and then not knowing what to do. of what people think.  and of that coming into my next venture.

i cried because it's over.  nutty.  it's really over and im moving on.  and that is good, and it is sad.

i cried because this means he is over.  and it is over.  (i dont even like typing that part.  i actually just tried to delete it...)

i am relieved.  but in the first 3 seconds after i hung up the phone when i felt all these emotions firing in succession, i did not feel relief.  i only felt sad.  and i pictured his face and him walking in and fucking up my world every.single.time. and me laying on the couch happily getting his text messages and me crying and trying and hurting and faking and....understanding.  and i am sad.  and i miss him.


 i counted down the days waiting for Dustin to leave.  and then he did and i thought, "okay.  i dont have to see him anymore! wait....shit.  i dont get to see him anymore?"  and it sucked.  it was a horribly long, emotional day and got hammered and could hardly get a hold of myself.  here we are now, nearly a year later and we talk more and are better friends than we ever were before.  that still amazes me every time i think about it.  but even though i have this little miracle under my belt, i still have a hard time believing W and i would ever end up the same way.  but i do suppose anything is possible...


i can hear shannon's voice saying, "rager, i just cant wait to meet your man.  he's going to be so much better than this one."  and my moms.  and my own.  i remember wanting dustin SO badly...hurting, confused, desperate at times.  and now there is no longing and i know it is best and i (love him dearly but still) feel i would have been settling.  so this does give me comfort and im sure what all these voices say is true.  but sometimes, i just want to miss him.  to long for him and be confused.  to honor the inexplicable.  to know there is nothing wrong with my pain.

i fell in love with someone who i could never have and i was in a vulnerable situation with him for almost a year.  that is painful and shitty and sad.  and today, i will have compassion on my heart.

feel whatever you feel.  i am here.  i am so sorry.   and i love you.  you are perfect and you dont have to keep telling yourself that everything will be okay.  just feel what you feel. 

that is enough.