tempted to read what i wrote last but i will not.

i will write here and now.

do i write mostly when i love or when i hate?  when i am confused or confident?

duh, for sure confused.  the other im not sure.

today, today, today.

him, him, him.

i have never had a such a person throw off my emotions so. dustin broke my heart, spun my emotions for sure, but this one.  man.  

i believe it is the whole situation as well.  i cant really get grounded because everything is changing.  things are scary.  i am stepping out into what is my greater potential.  theres extra power and trepidation in that as well.

doubt.

fear.

insecurity.

lust.

shame.

love.

passion.

confusion.

will.

faith.

calm.

and the inexplicable.

spending time alone in nova scotia was incredible.  strengthened my connection to my inner voice(s).  They talked about him a lot. wondered if im nuts.  when im gonna get over it.  if hes a total douchebag in real life and what that makes me.  if he thinks im ridiculous.  and if he thinks im ridiculous bc he secretly loves me or if he thinks im ridiculous bc i am. 

so i wondered.  and i worked on letting it go.  and i did great.  

today i drew a card. LOVE.  it said, "love is in everyone and can shift any situation."  i tried to think of him that way today as i prepared for our meeting.

so here he comes.  and he is the way i like him.  where i know he fucking loves me. where he'd touch me if he could.  we'd talk about anything else if we could.  we'd lock the door and pretend no one else exists.

 (already my mind is trying to say i am making this up.  that i read too much into things.  and THIS is why i am writing today. because i refuse to do that.)

I know.  i just know.  i. just. know.

It is difficult.  it will never happen.  but regardless of the way he treats me, or how busy he is, or what it triggers in me, it is not because there is something wrong with me.  it will never be that.

nicole, it will never be that.  

he loves you, he cannot help it.  just like you cant.  it is powerful and inexplicable and frustrating and confusing and too much.  for him and probably also for you.

but it is.  just know.

and know its okay.