so i try.
my feelings have been different the past few.
i suppose "analyzing less" is congruent with "creating to create"....
i am not childishly angry. you know, the kind of angry you get where you are mostly just hurt and disappointed. i have been this before...where i was trying to stop thinking about him and thought the anger would help. now i am more i-just-really-dont-have-space-for-you-in-my-life angry. annoyed is actually a more appropriate emotion. or indifferent. mostly annoyed. because i have to continue working with him and i dont think hes done a great job making this transition thing easy for me. not me personally but me as the person he bought the business from. i think he's selfish and i've accommodated him. and i just dont respect him anymore. he hasn't even done anything new or different. i just thought/felt today after he sent me an email response to only one of the two questions i asked him that he is self serving and inconsiderate and im really fucking annoyed that i have to teach him how to run my business. my shoulder tensed up for the first time when i read his email. it was a subtle feeling, but today for the first time i felt like it was his fault this happened. in other words, it doesn't happen because of my emotional injuries or inadequacies or misperceptions or faulty intentions. its cuz he fucking sucks. and i'd really like to never see him again.
create to create.
i hope its all good. maybe i'll get done with nutty sooner rather than later and then i can close the door completely and move on. but i wanted it to be a happy, feel good departure. maybe it just cant be that way. as i've seen, when things are going really smoothly i tend to feel like maybe i could find a role or at least a financial kickback from the business somehow so i am, in essence, still holding on. so maybe it just has to be a "good riddance!" sort of thing in order for me to fully let it go. i'll tell my baby i love her and wish her luck and know she will be just fine in the hands of these men (even though i currently feel like these men dont really give a shit about her). Maybe baby nutty and i can have a proper goodbye and she says shes strong and she will show the men whats up. she's grown. she can handle herself. and if they dont treat her right, she will leave them.
maybe.
maybe.
but shit. i mean, yes nutty is my business but its also just a fruit and nut bar. and if it doesn't go on it doesn't go on. that business was ME as much as it was nutty. and IM not disappearing im just relocating. IM not really going anywhere in that sense. so maybe its okay to quit trying to be so sentimental about the thing. quit trying so damn hard period.
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i have no real reason to act or be angry at W the next time i see him. im just over it. over him. in every aspect.
over the longing. the hurt. the disappointment. the confusion and awkwardness and embarrassment. i want to end this whole fucking fantasy fiasco before it has any more weightiness as i go about my life and my city. i dont want to look at a fancy downtown home, or see a socially prominent person and think of them. i dont want them on a goddamn pedestal. i dont want to fucking hear his or her name ever again, frankly. and i honestly dont know why i would. two completely different worlds, remember?
dont know why im so angry today. im not going to give potential reasons because i'm creating to create, remember?
i cant believe i gave him so much time and energy. i know i couldnt help it, it just was. but today it feels annoying and bizarre.
im tired.
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